The Theory
by quirky cricket
Summary: Dorothy Ann realizes that another force is at play in her and her friends' lives - and her friends' reactions range from shrugging it off to determination to prove her wrong. As the friends graduate from high school and go their separate ways, the theory is put to the test - is it true? Rated T for language and situations.
1. prologue: the perfect class

**prologue: the perfect class**

**June 12, 1996  
****Walker Elementary  
****Walkerville, PA**

No matter what happened, Valerie Frizzle knew she'd never have a class like _that class_. She'd watched the eight of them leave Walker Elementary forever, closer friends than ever.

The fall of 1992 had brought her a perfect opportunity to test the limits of her ability with her teaching: an unusually small class. In regular-sized classes, she had to limit herself to one or two field trips a year, or else the kids would talk. If the higher-ups knew what she was doing, she'd lose her job, and she'd put anything on the line to prevent that from happening.

When she had only eight kids in her class in 1992, she knew she had something special. After a month or so, she felt she could trust them. Some had wild imaginations which would make adults doubt their unbelievable stories. What she hadn't expected was the tacit acceptance that the weekly – sometimes multiple times a week – field trips were kept secret. None of them told their parents or siblings. Any friendships they had outside the class disintegrated and their bonds with each other grew tighter with every trip. Even the inevitable squabbles between the kids usually ended with deeper friendships formed. It was truly remarkable.

As they moved on to fourth grade, Ms. Frizzle knew she could never have a year like that again. Despite all the odds, they seemed to grow closer over the years instead of drifting apart like normal children did. Even though they were in different classes, they found each other at lunch and recess. They walked to and from school together.

One class of kids who all become best friends is an anomaly; two is a pattern. Ms. Frizzle couldn't afford for there to be a pattern. Patterns meant questions, and once questions started being asked, the truth was bound to come out. The truth was too weird and complicated to explain, so she was forced to use more traditional teaching methods. It was more important for her to reach a large number of kids than it was for her to be innovative.

Eventually she had to limit herself to in-class demonstrations. Those were easy enough to dismiss as kids' exaggerations. As her class – the only class where she was able to be herself as she'd like to be – went to middle school, she knew it was time to move on. She taught at Walker Elementary one last time – Wanda Li's younger brother was in her class – before taking Liz and the bus and leaving Walkerville for good. If anyone asked questions about the class, she wasn't going to be around to answer them.

* * *

**author's note:**

Pieces of this story have been kicking around my mind for years, and some of them have made it into my other stories, so please forgive me my old tropes. In this fic, Ralphie will be obsessed with baseball, Carlos always orders Diet Coke, Phoebe drives an old van with wood paneling, and Wanda will try to take the whole system down. If you've read my stuff and think you know how this ends, well… you'll just have to see.

This is the only chapter we're going to have in the 90s. The rest of the fic will focus on the kids, so don't get too excited about seeing the Friz again, because… well, I shouldn't rule it out, should I?

Coming up – DA formulates the theory. The gang reacts!


	2. the birth of an idea

**chapter 1: the birth of an idea**

**October 30, 2001  
****Walkerville High School  
****Walkerville, PA**

Dorothy Ann was ever so slightly ashamed of herself. She'd argued with Keesha that the social sciences weren't real science, not like physics or biology. She only took AP Psychology at Keesha's insistence.

DA had gone into senior year of high school with every intention of bulldozing general credits in college so she could get right down to her major – chemistry. She wasn't entirely sure what she'd do with it yet; maybe she'd go into research or academia.

Yet here she was, engrossed in her psychology notes when she had an epiphany somewhere between post-traumatic stress and Stockholm Syndrome.

She gasped and flipped to a blank page in her notebook, then started writing.

"What?" Keesha whispered, confused. They were supposed to be watching a video about fainting goats. It was actually pretty funny, but DA was scribbling some manifesto down like her life depended on it. Every now and then she'd stop, her eyes would widen, and she'd write more. "WHAT?" Keesha hissed.

"Tell you later." DA didn't look up.

Keesha looked over at Phoebe and shrugged. The three girls had psychology together with Ralphie, who was engrossed in the hilarious fainting goats video, as one would expect from Ralphie.

After the bell rang, DA closed her notebook quickly before Keesha could see.

"What was that?" Keesha asked.

"A theory I'm developing."

"Theory?" Ralphie asked. "Is this like your McDonald's theory?"

DA glared at him. She'd done in-depth research on the accuracy of fast food restaurants' orders. She'd thoroughly tested all the restaurants around town and had identified a McDonald's on the west side as being the most reliably correct with finicky orders and correct change. Her in-depth testing had meant that she had to meticulously check her order and change at each restaurant she visited. She'd posited that particular McDonald's was more accurate than any other restaurant in town, and had been correct. Only the best would do for DA, now that she knew what the best was. She'd make a point of driving all the way across town to go to that McDonald's, much to the rest of her friends' chagrin. Every now and then one of the guys would suggest that she repeat the experiment as a stupid joke.

DA wasn't ready to present the theory yet. It was still just an idea. "This theory is – bigger. And it's not ready yet."

"Bigger how?" Phoebe asked.

"Does the fate of the world hinge on your theory being right?" Keesha wondered skeptically.

"Not quite." DA pressed her lips together. "But almost." She said softly.

* * *

**November 21, 2001  
****Walkerville City Park  
****Walkerville, PA**

DA had gathered the group together in the park across from Walker Elementary. She'd arrived early and couldn't help but look for the old bus, even though it had been gone for years. She sat at a picnic table, and her friends gathered around.

"What are we doing here?" Arnold asked. "Isn't it a bit chilly for a picnic?"

Carlos, who hated the cold, was wearing a winter coat already. He sat down and scooted right next to DA, who rolled her eyes. Keesha sat on the other side of her.

"I have to tell you guys this." DA said. "Sit down."

DA was often serious, but she was rarely this serious.

"Are you dying? You're never this serious. Are you dying?" Tim wondered.

"I'm not dying. No one's dying." DA tried to sound patient, but it didn't work.

"Technically, we're all dying." Tim trailed off.

"Thank you for that cheerful reminder, Mr. Sunshine." Carlos remarked. Phoebe smiled at Tim in a weak attempt at reassurance. Arnold took her hand underneath the table and squeezed. They'd been dating since the middle of junior year. Carlos saw and rolled his eyes, having given up on love since DA broke up with him ("for good this time!") in June. Wanda folded her arms, waiting to hear what the terrible news was before reacting. Keesha and Ralphie looked at each other across the table, but not for too long before Ralphie looked away.

DA took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "I have a theory."

"Is this what you were writing in psych that day?" Keesha asked.

"Hold your questions, please – and there _will_ be questions." DA had carefully planned how this would go. She'd written down her main points on a piece of paper. She wasn't worried about Carlos looking – she'd written especially small and Carlos was somewhat nearsighted, but too proud to admit that he may need glasses. She was quiet again and looked around, trying to savor this last moment before she turned her friends' worlds upside down.

"Have you ever wondered why we're even friends?"

"Yes." Wanda replied quickly.

DA took a deep breath. "Okay, the questions I'm about to ask you are rhetorical. Do you even know what a rhetorical question is?"

"Do I?" Arnold asked. The rest of the group laughed. Ralphie nodded his approval to Arnold, who tipped his head toward Ralphie.

"Anyway." DA continued. She glanced down at the paper she had in front of her.

"You wrote down your speech?" Carlos asked. "Can I see?"

"JUST LET ME TALK." DA hadn't counted on how easily distractible her friends would be. This was an oversight, she admitted.

"Fine." Carlos held up his hands and leaned away from DA, pushing Tim even closer to the edge of the bench. Tim scooted back into Carlos in reaction.

"Okay… I'm sure you've all wondered why we're even friends. We're so different – we want different things out of life. The only thing we have in common is, well…" she looked over Wanda's shoulder at the elementary school. "… and we don't really talk about it."

Wanda wanted to argue. DA could see it on her face.

"Do you know the probability of any of us still being friends? It's pretty low. For all of us being friends? Practically zero." She continued. "And for us to start dating," she looked quickly at Carlos before settling her gaze on Phoebe and Arnold, "is pretty normal, actually, but for us to remain friends through breakups is very odd."

Wanda wanted to say something again, but settled for clenching her teeth together.

"So the question is why."

"The field trips." Wanda answered. DA glared at her again, but Keesha laughed that Wanda had discovered DA's complicated theory. Wanda wasn't as dumb as most people thought, but she didn't place the emphasis on intellect and theorizing that DA did.

"Exactly." DA continued. She had to regain control. It was better than starting over. "We've all experienced something major together – something that could even be described as traumatic, and something none of us ever talked about to anyone not around this table, right?"

"Our parents knew we were going on field trips." Tim said. "They just didn't know... exactly what happened."

"Exactly." DA said. "We always went 'to the planetarium' or 'took cooking lessons' - we never told them the parts about shrinking and being in ovens and volcanoes and stuff. No one knows about what _really_ happened."

She'd expected an argument, but her friends remained quiet for a moment before Carlos spoke up. "Mikey knows. So does Janet."

"They were a part of the experience, even in a small way." DA conceded. "But did anyone tell their parents about everything?"

"I told my mom something when I got sick." Ralphie admitted. "She thought it was a fever dream."

"Okay, but no one except Ralphie said anything?" DA asked. "Not even you, Arnold?"

"Why 'not even me'?" Arnold demanded.

"You hated the field trips." Tim explained before DA could. "Didn't you ask your parents if you could stay home? Did you fake sick?"

"After what happened when Ralphie stayed home sick? No way." Arnold dropped Phoebe's hand and folded his arms. "I didn't want you guys running around in my nose."

"We were in your colon, Arnold." Tim shuddered.

"Don't remind me." Ralphie groaned.

"I couldn't smell you in my colon." Arnold explained. "I'd probably be able to smell you if you were in my nose." It was weird to be talking about this. Arnold got a pit in his stomach, even though he knew it should be safe with his friends. He just couldn't be sure no one else was listening. If they overheard him say some of these things, they'd think he was crazy.

DA was staring pointedly at the guys. She wanted to get this back on track. "So, I did some research."

"Because that's what you do." Carlos interjected.

"How many field trips did the class before us take?" She asked.

"How are we supposed to know?" Wanda asked.

"Guess." DA challenged.

"Didn't we know some kid that was in that class?" Arnold thought back. "You knew him too, Wanda."

"Oh!" Wanda remembered. "Yeah, the kid with the freckles. What was his name? Wasn't he hairy?"

"Harry Arm?" DA smirked. She loved the satisfaction that came with doing her research. "His class went on two field trips."

"The whole year?" Phoebe asked.

"The whole year." DA echoed. "And Carlos, Mikey was in the year after us, right?"

"Two years after." Carlos said. "One field trip."

"So Ms. Frizzle gets this freakishly small class of kids that is oddly ethnically diverse and from all over. Have you ever wondered about that? A class of eight is unheard of. Why didn't our parents say anything?" DA asked. Her friends paused a moment.

"Is that a rhetorical question, or..." Tim trailed off.

DA realized that Tim was right; her questions were rhetorical. "I don't know that it was fated that we come together. That's not the theory."

"You still haven't got to the theory yet?" Keesha asked. "Is this what you were writing in psych – your overly dramatic introductory speech?"

"No." DA snapped.

"Out with it." Tim urged.

DA took a deep breath and looked around at her friends again. This time it was for real – the moment before her friends knew the theory. She wanted to memorize their faces this way – so innocent and unknowing and, if she was honest, irritated and cold.

"My theory is that because of Ms. Frizzle's class, we'll never make really deep friendships outside this group, because eventually third grade will come up and none of us will tell the truth about what happened. We just can't. We'll look crazy."

"Or Ms. Frizzle goes to jail." Phoebe said softly.

"_And_ we look crazy." Ralphie added. Several people nodded.

"She moved away five years ago. No one knows where she moved. Did you know that?" DA asked before getting back to her train of thought. "My theory is that we're incapable of having emotionally intimate relationships outside of this group."

"Are you saying I can't make friends?" Carlos demanded. "I make tons of friends. I'm friends with lots of guys on the football team!"

"But how good of friends are they? When they ask you the weirdest thing that's happened to you, you say…" DA prompted.

Carlos paused. "I would tell them that –"

"But you won't tell them the truth, because 'I watched Ralphie spin around in circles when he hit a home run on a baseball field without friction – that happened to be inside a book' sounds insane." DA interrupted. "And eventually, things come out. Something happens that reminds you of something else that happened, so you talk about it. For example, if we talk about going to Adventure Park, that reminds me of the time we went in middle school and Ralphie threw up on the roller coaster, and the time Wanda wanted to take Arnold on –"

"The wildest, scariest, best scream-your-lungs-out ride in the world!" Wanda recited. "The ride of my dreams."

"And there you have it." DA said. "Imagine a relationship with someone that you can tell everything to – except possibly some of the most important things that ever happened to you."

She let that sink in before moving on to what she found the single most interesting part of the theory.

"You know what this means?" She asked.

"We all have to stay friends." Tim raised his eyebrows. "I think we all figured out that we stayed friends because of Ms. Frizzle's class."

"It's actually kind of obvious." Ralphie added.

"That's only the beginning." DA lowered her voice.

"What's the rest of it?" Wanda asked, leaning in to hear.

"I don't think any romantic relationship outside this group will be successful." There it was. DA looked back at her friends' faces to see what they looked like with their minds blown.

They looked about the same - still cold, only less irritated and more confused as it sunk in.

"You mean… we're all going to marry each other?" Phoebe asked.

"Or stay single." DA nodded.

"What if Arnold and Ralphie are gay?" Carlos asked. "Then some of the girls would have to be gay to balance it out. Which of you are gay?" He looked at each of the girls.

"Sorry, Carlos, but I'm not gay." Arnold had explained this to Carlos before. He and Ralphie were just close, that was all.

"I don't get how one year in elementary school could decide our entire adult lives." Keesha shook her head. "You do know that we're all about to go to college, right?"

"It's the perfect way to test the theory." DA smiled. "We've been isolated in our small town."

"We're half an hour from a huge city." Keesha argued. "We're not 'isolated.'"

"But it's been easier for us to stay within our group of friends. We're not all going to the same college."

"We are." Ralphie pointed at Arnold.

"Because you love each other." Carlos added. "Sorry, Phoebe."

"You're just jealous I got to him first." Ralphie snarked as Phoebe glared at Carlos.

"Does anyone find this as fascinating and serious as I do?" DA wondered loudly.

Keesha raised her eyebrows. Phoebe looked around sheepishly. Arnold shrugged, and looked at Ralphie, who did the same. Carlos was deep in thought, trying to figure out something else he could say. Tim looked slightly relieved that this wasn't too serious. Wanda looked agitated.

"I'm going to college in California." Wanda said. "We'll see how your 'theory' holds up then."

"So we shall." DA smiled.

* * *

**author's note**: of course I don't own McDonald's or the fainting goats video, which is real. There are also several references to MSB episodes here. Have fun identifying them.


	3. the gang goes to prom

**chapter 2: the gang goes to prom**

**March 23, 2002  
****DA's House  
****Walkerville, PA**

"Is it dumb if I wear my hair up on the top of my head? Is it too early 90s?" Keesha asked, staring at herself in the mirror and holding a fistful of her hair on the top of her head. She had a long, graceful neck and planned on wearing gold earrings, but she wasn't sure that the highest of up-dos wouldn't trigger childhood memories in her date. The last thing she needed was to get in a shouting match with Ralphie at the prom. She'd rather him notice how grown up her strapless purple gown made her look.

"I think it looks great," Phoebe reassured her and grabbed some bobby pins. She was wearing a long forest green dress with transparent sleeves and a flowy skirt. Her hair was curled and pinned on top of her head with some loose strands around her face.

"I always wore it up high as a kid though," Keesha tried moving her curly hair lower on her head. "I don't want to look like a kid."

"Too much eyeliner?" Wanda asked.

"Dear God, yes." DA gasped, looking at Wanda's eyes, which were laden with black and silver makeup. "You look like a raccoon."

"Who got punched in the face." Keesha added before turning back to her reflection in the mirror. She was a bit wary of having Wanda do her makeup after how she'd looked at Homecoming this last fall. "Maybe I'll leave it down."

"No, wear it up." Phoebe urged. "You could wear it like mine and see if anyone noticed." Keesha smiled at the idea. She and Phoebe were very close, and had a habit of doing the same thing when they were uncomfortable. Somehow knowing that someone else was doing the same thing made scary things more bearable.

"Okay, have at it." Keesha said.

"Are you sure you want her doing your hair?" Wanda asked. "She did mine for Homecoming this year, remember?" Wanda was wearing a bright blue dress that showed off her arms, which were toned from playing softball. They were her favorite feature of hers, and she didn't want Carlos to think he could try anything without her beating him up. Next to Phoebe's noodley runner arms, Wanda looked ripped. Wanda made a mental note to stay close to Phoebe as much as possible.

"I know what went wrong and it won't happen again." Phoebe said tersely, remembering that Wanda's elaborate updo had spontaneously fallen apart during the first slow dance at Homecoming, showering bobby pins all over Ralphie. "Besides, your hair is all straight and soft. It wouldn't stay put."

"Sure, blame my hair." Wanda smirked as she wiped off her layers of eye makeup. "You have straight hair, you should know how to work it."

"My hair is thicker." Phoebe said, focusing her attention on pinning Keesha's hair in the best elegant updo she could manage. "It does what I want a little better."

"Well my hair worked for DA," Wanda had half of her hair twisted back from her face in rows, embellished with some fancy clips. The rest of her hair had a soft curl to it, thanks to more hair product than she wore in her hair over the course of a year. Wanda's hair was shoulder-length – long enough to pull it all back into a ponytail so she wouldn't have to think about it. DA's long hair was pulled half up in three masses of curls crowning her head, with many long curls hanging down her back. She'd decided to wear a sleeveless turquoise dress with a fluffy skirt. She felt incredibly feminine and gorgeous. This time she invested in double-sided tape, after her dress malfunction at Homecoming when she'd jumped around during "(I've Had) The Time of My Life."

"Ladies, we look stunning." Keesha beamed as Phoebe coated her hair with a thick coat of hairspray.

"Put some glitter on your chest," DA handed Keesha a compact of glitter and a brush.

Finally they were nearly ready to go. They'd zipped each other into their dresses, applied perfume strategically, smoothed out wrinkled fabric, pinned and sprayed rogue strands of hair, and teetered on the highest heels they'd probably ever wear.

"Senior prom is a big deal." Phoebe said, putting the finishing touches on Keesha's hair. "This is probably our last formal dance all together."

"Colleges have homecoming, don't they?" Wanda asked, not ready to face anything that was "the last thing we have together."

"It doesn't help that no one's staying here and going to Walker State. We're pretty much all going to different colleges." DA said. "Like some of us are going to California…"

"You know I'm doing it to get away from my crazy family, right?" Wanda asked. "My grandma is trying to hook me up with Chinese guys who are like 30."

"Ew." Keesha scowled.

"Yeah. And that's why I'm leaving. Besides, I want to prove your theory wrong." She looked at DA.

"How?"

"I'm going to end up with some rich surfer guy." Wanda applied eyeliner more moderately this time. "We'll be set for life, and you'll be wrong."

"We'll see." DA said. She wasn't sure which she found more unbelievable: Wanda marrying a rich surfer guy or being wrong.

Talk of the theory made Keesha uncomfortable. She was somewhat of a late bloomer, having argued with Ralphie for nine long years before deciding to act on what were obviously romantic feelings. She'd strongly hinted to Arnold that she would welcome Ralphie's invitation to prom. She knew Ralphie liked her, because he was so easy to read. She'd finally decided that she liked him enough to do something about it, and it looked like tonight was the night. Still, that didn't mean she wanted to marry him. Unlike Phoebe, who'd probably been planning her wedding since she was born, Keesha's vision of a future involved some vague visions of a guy to hang out with for a while. She'd decided that dating was something that maybe she wanted to do after seeing how disgustingly adorable Phoebe and Arnold were together. She was pretty sure they'd get married if college didn't tear them apart. Arnold had applied to the Carnegie State University in Pittsburgh with Ralphie, who'd received a football scholarship junior year. During practice in the summer, Ralphie had severely injured his knee, sidelining him for his entire senior year and eliminating the scholarship. Ralphie's mom had insisted that he go anyway, and Ralphie would do just about anything his mom said. If college could tear Phoebe and Arnold apart, which Keesha was afraid it would, would it tear apart any chance of a relationship she'd have with Ralphie? She had no desire to move to the other side of the state; instead she and Phoebe were going to be roommates and go to Conwell University. She knew she belonged in Philly while she tried to figure out what she'd do with her life.

She looked over at Phoebe, who was fidgeting with her necklace. Keesha was actually jealous of Phoebe. Though she was awkward and weird and had a tendency to run into things at inopportune moments, she knew what she wanted from life. She had a great relationship with Arnold, which could easily turn into a marriage with adorable red-headed kids. She wanted to be a veterinarian and save animals. She knew which vet schools she'd apply to and exactly what she had to do in college to get there. Keesha had a vague idea that she could go to dinners and movies with Ralphie for a while (or whatever adults did for relationships) and wanted to be an adult – however that worked. Nothing else was clear. She was too much of a realist to have crazy visions of the future. It was a blessing and a curse.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Ralphie's house…**

The guys' getting ready process had involved putting tuxes on and combing their hair. It lasted half an hour at the longest - only because Arnold was so particular about his hair - so, to kill time, they were playing Goldeneye on Ralphie's old N64.

"We should all be able to be James Bond. I mean, look at us!" Carlos exclaimed. No one pointed out to him that he'd demanded to be the most buxom woman in the game.

"Why are you wearing tails, dude?" Tim shook his head. "You look like a butler."

"I'm going to send you to get me punch all night." Arnold said as his character shot at Ralphie's.

"Stop killing me!" Ralphie yelled.

"Ralph! Quiet!" Dr. Tennelli yelled back from her office, which bordered the living room. If there was one thing that the two Tennellis were equally good at, it was yelling. They'd perfected it over years of screaming at the television during the Phillies' decades-long run without winning a World Series. Ralphie vaguely remembered them going to the World Series in 1993, only to get crushed by Toronto of all places. He still felt sad and angry thinking of that World Series – or Toronto.

"Yeah, Ralphie." Arnold whispered.

"Shut up." Ralphie would rather yell at the TV than think about prom. This was probably the most important date he'd ever been on. He'd gone to Homecoming with Wanda and they'd ended up dating for all of three weeks before she inexplicably dumped him and acted like they were friends the whole time. Sure, he'd liked Keesha on and off forever, but it hadn't kept him from having a girlfriend or two. It had helped when he was on the football team, before that uppity sophomore had sacked him way too hard and torn all the ligaments in his left knee. The kid was kicked off the team, but Ralphie had lost his entire future, instead spending the summer in operating rooms and physical therapy. It would be a long road to get back into football shape, and it would take too long for him to get adequately rehabbed in college, so his dream of being a pro football player was dead. He'd decided that if he couldn't be the best football player the NFL had ever seen, he'd go into athletic training or physical therapy or something. His mom tried to get him to consider medical school, but one Dr. Tennelli was quite enough. Ralphie was an only child raised by a single mom; he and his mom were already closer than any of his friends and their parents, and he caught lots of heat for it. The last thing Ralphie needed was to become his mother. Carlos would never let him hear the end of that.

"Is it time to go yet?" Tim asked as his character took out both Arnold and Ralphie.

"Dammit, Tim!" Arnold cried. "You should've let me kill Ralphie again first."

"Riiight." Tim shook his head. "Like I'd let you do that out of the goodness of my heart."

"We've got another half an hour." Carlos sighed. "Girls take way too long to get ready."

"Ralphie, how are you so bad at this when it's your game?" Tim asked.

"Shut UP." Ralphie snapped. He was normally much better, but his mind was elsewhere. Tim, apparently, was able to focus all of his faculties on kicking ass in the game.

"Why are we still playing this old game anyway?" Arnold asked. "I know exactly where Carlos is hiding. He hides in the same corner every single time."

"Then why haven't you killed me yet?" Carlos challenged.

"That's why." Tim said as his character killed Carlos's. "I am invincible!" He cried. Tim always picked Boris because his skills at the game allowed him to say his favorite line from the movie several times. The guys ignored his showboating. The last time any of them had called him on it, a fistfight broke out and Arnold had to go to Homecoming with a black eye.

"All I have is this N64." Ralphie shrugged. "Mom won't let me get anything else because 'I'm going to college soon and won't have time for video games.'"

"Does anyone else want to cancel the reservations and go to McDonald's instead?" Carlos asked. "It would be hilarious…"

"We'd have to not go to DA's McDonald's." Arnold smirked. "She'd go nuts."

"That's even better!" Tim laughed.

Ralphie didn't think McDonald's would be a good idea for his long-awaited first date with Keesha. "How often do we get to go to a fancy restaurant?"

"We know you want to impress Keesha," Carlos said as his character ran straight into a wall. "Which is why we should go to McDonald's and you can demonstrate how many Chicken McNuggets you can fit in your mouth."

"That's a terrible idea." Ralphie scoffed. He was pretty sure he'd done that at lunch one time and Keesha hadn't been impressed. Actually, no girls had been impressed. Phoebe gave him that pity "good job" look that she often did when someone's attempt at awesomeness fell flat.

"Only 'cause I can fit more." Carlos challenged.

"No way." Ralphie shook his head and shot at Arnold's character. "Take that, douchebag."

"RALPH! LANGUAGE!" Dr. Tennelli yelled.

"How does she hear you?" Tim asked. "You weren't even yelling that time."

"It's her super power. She can hear me swearing from a mile away. Why do you think I'm going to college in Pittsburgh? It isn't the Pirates." Ralphie said. "SORRY, MOM."

"Are you guys ready yet?" Dr. Tennelli came out of her office. "Are you seriously playing video games?"

"We have to wait for the girls to get ready." Arnold explained. "We've been ready for an hour at least and we thought we didn't have enough time to watch _Holy Grail_."

"Well you look very handsome." Dr. Tennelli grinned at Ralphie, who rolled his eyes so hard she feared they'd get stuck that way. She was partially blocking Ralphie's view of the TV.

"Mom, Tim is going to kill me if you don't move." He said.

"Fine, I won't fawn over you in front of your friends." She smirked. "But you clean up well."

"Gotcha!" Tim crowed.

"Dammit!" Ralphie sighed. Dr. Tennelli turned around and raised her eyebrows. "Sorry."

* * *

As the girls were finishing getting ready, the doorbell rang. They had opted to all get ready at DA's house. She had three sisters, so there was plenty of bathroom space to get ready. It also made more sense for the guys to pick them up at the same place. "As long as we're not going in Phoebe's van," Tim had jibed. Carlos had argued that rolling up to the fanciest dance of high school in the old van with wood paneling would have been hilarious, but he was outvoted, and the guys ended up taking Tim's dad's Suburban. That way they could all go together in some kind of style – and all riding in one car would mean they wouldn't leave DA behind, like they had at Homecoming. Arnold had insisted it wasn't his fault she was hiding in the bathroom for so long fixing her dress. Carlos had suggested they take a few separate cars, "just in case," while winking uncontrollably. They'd compromised by parking at the park next to DA's house. That way long goodbyes on the girls' porches didn't have as much of an audience.

Suddenly all the laughing and speculating and "wouldn't it be cool" was behind them. The moment of truth had come, and Keesha wasn't sure about this anymore. She'd obliged DA and put perfume in her cleavage, but there was no turning back once they went down those stairs. It was like a movie, and she wasn't sure she was ready for what happened next.

"It's okay," Phoebe whispered. "I'm nervous too."

"I'm not nervous!" Keesha snapped.

"Dude, you can't lie to us. We can read your mind." Wanda put her hands up to her temples. "It's the theory."

"That's not the theory." DA argued.

"I know that!" Wanda shot back.

"They're waiting!" Dorothy Ann's mom called up. "Are you coming or not?"

"I really hope Carlos didn't wear tails like he threatened to." Wanda sighed and picked up her skirt before heading to the top of the staircase. The rest of the girls followed suit, with Phoebe taking up the rear so Keesha couldn't bolt.

"Don't fall, Phoebe." DA warned. "You don't want this to be like Homecoming –"

"Enough about Homecoming!" Phoebe said as she lifted up her skirt, revealing the lowest heels of the group. Phoebe was the tallest of the girls, and if she'd worn the same four-inch heels that DA did, she'd be taller than Arnold. Keesha took a deep breath as she rounded the corner.

Carlos wolf-whistled, which was pretty much what everyone expected. Wanda rolled her eyes, but smiled to show she appreciated the attention. She braced herself in case Phoebe lost her footing again. There would be a devastating domino effect, and Wanda would be at the bottom of the pile. Fortunately, she made it to the bottom of the stairs without being knocked over.

"You look great," Carlos said, holding out a corsage of white flowers.

"You look like a butler." Wanda smiled as she put it on her wrist. Mrs. Mauer brought the boutonnieres from the fridge in the kitchen, and Wanda pinned Carlos's on his tux without stabbing herself and bleeding all over his tux, by some miracle. Maybe this wasn't going to be like Homecoming after all.

"You got a pink tie!" DA exclaimed upon greeting her date. Tim grinned. Instead of a bowtie, Tim had opted for a vest and a pink tie to match her dress.

"It just looks better this way." Tim said. Carlos had thought he looked ridiculous, but Carlos looked like he was going to pass a tray of hors d'ouevres.

"James Bond wears a cummerbund, not a vest." Arnold remarked as he handed Phoebe her corsage. "You look gorgeous," he whispered.

"So do you." She blushed a bit.

Keesha took a deep breath and stood at the bottom of the stairs. Ralphie was staring at her, but not saying any of the normal things that young men in tuxes say to young women in gowns.

"You look nice," she finally said.

"Oh – yeah, thanks." Ralphie rubbed the back of his neck. "You look… good." He smiled. Keesha couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't look like a grape?" She asked.

"No! No." Ralphie tried to open the corsage box, but it was stuck. Finally the plastic burst open and the corsage fell on the ground, surrounded by the shredded paper that was supposed to protect the corsage from being bumped around. Ralphie was adorable when he was embarrassed.

"Let me help with that," Keesha squatted down and picked up some of the paper strips that had been holding the corsage.

"Here," Ralphie, who was also squatting down, took her hand and put the corsage on.

"Thanks." She looked at the small arrangement of purple flowers, then up at Ralphie, who was looking at her expectantly. "I love it."

She didn't take her hand away as they stood up.

"You two are going to make me puke." Carlos said. Phoebe was grinning ecstatically. Keesha hoped Phoebe didn't start making the high-pitched noise she made when she was excited.

"Shut up, Carlos." Ralphie hissed as Keesha carefully pinned the purple rose on his lapel. Something about these weird flower traditions felt oddly intimate. She was keenly aware that she was much closer to Ralphie than she normally was. _Maybe it just feels that way,_ she thought. _Maybe this doesn't look nearly as close and awkward as it feels._

"Will that stay?" Keesha asked, letting go of the rose, which flopped over.

"Nope." Ralphie laughed.

"Here," Arnold swooped in and pinned Ralphie's boutonniere. Keesha exchanged looks with Phoebe. Arnold was only inches away from Ralphie's face as he pinned the rose on. They were definitely close enough to kiss. It was closer and more awkward looking than Keesha imagined. Keesha wondered if she looked as intent about touching Ralphie's chest as Arnold did. "That'll stay."

"Thanks." Ralphie smiled. Keesha was relieved that Arnold returned to Phoebe – both so he'd leave her date alone and so Phoebe would stop looking like she'd spontaneously combust from being so excited about Keesha and Ralphie. Ralphie offered his arm to Keesha, who accepted. It was a goofy formal gesture, but she enjoyed it. Phoebe grinned at Keesha, who returned the smile, even though she figured Phoebe was thinking about double-weddings with the two sets of best friends.

* * *

Dinner was not at McDonald's, and Ralphie made sure he was on his best behavior. He might have even used the right forks for the right dishes. Carlos, on the other hand, couldn't take anything seriously. Wanda had been irritated at first, but started laughing along with Carlos. No one threw mashed potatoes at Keesha this time, and this time Phoebe didn't end up accidentally eating meat, unlike the disaster that was Homecoming. As they pulled into the Old Walkerville Hotel, the fanciest dance venue in town, Keesha found that she was less nervous and more excited as the evening went on.

"Shall we?" Ralphie asked, holding his hand out to help Keesha out of the car and bowing slightly.

"You're like a caricature of gentlemen from a compendium of old movies." She shook her head and laughed as she took his hand.

"I can't hide anything from you." Ralphie laughed.

"So… pictures first, then we go in?" Tim asked as they entered the hotel lobby. He didn't want to go dance first and spill water on his pants like he had at Homecoming. He'd been wearing a gray suit and the pictures were embarrassing. The dance was held in the ballroom, of course, but pictures were set up on one side of the expansive lobby.

"Sure." DA grinned at him. She was already having a marvelous time. She and Tim had chatted amicably all through dinner, and she'd laughed at all his jokes. Carlos tried to ignore her happiness.

"I think we need to go to the bathroom, actually." Wanda stared pointedly at DA, which was her way of giving a subtle hint.

"Fine, go discuss us." Arnold said. He and Phoebe kissed quickly before Phoebe ran after the rest of the girls.

"This is so romantic!" Phoebe practically shrieked.

"Here we go." Wanda sighed. She wondered how much of Phoebe's excited speech she'd be able to hear when they were old and she'd lost her high range of hearing.

"Guys, I think I like Tim." DA confessed. Phoebe clapped her hands together excitedly and emitted a high-pitched noise.

_She must be planning a triple-wedding_. Keesha thought.

"So. You and Ralphie, huh?" Wanda asked Keesha. "It took you losers long enough."

"Quality takes a little longer." Keesha retorted as she applied her lipstick.

"You've only been madly in love since…" Wanda checked the bathroom to make sure it was clear before leaning in Keesha's ear and whispering, "Weather Man."

"STOP IT." Keesha said suddenly. "Don't bring that up here."

"Okay, since you were kids, then." Wanda backed off.

"There you go." Keesha refocused her attention. "Phoebe, why are you putting more mascara on? You're just going to cry it all out when they play the song from _Moulin Rouge_."

"It's such a good song." Phoebe sounded like she was choking up already. "And the movie –"

"Don't get her started," DA said protectively. "Let's go get pictures."

Ralphie and Carlos had a long-standing rivalry for who was the King of Funny Dance Pictures, which had been taken to a new level at Homecoming when Carlos had demanded that Phoebe hold him like she was carrying her new bride across a threshold. Of course they'd only been able to hold it for a few seconds, and the picture didn't turn out. Carlos had fallen hard and bruised his tailbone. That night, Ralphie removed himself from the running. He wanted to have an actual picture with Keesha – one where they weren't making weird faces. Keesha and Phoebe both noticed this and communicated their excitement to each other with a series of grins and eyebrow raises.

"Some of us still know how to have fun," Carlos said as he and Wanda posed like they were on the bow of the Titanic. They were both hams and their facial expressions were perfect.

"You guys are so lame," Arnold laughed.

The gang entered the ballroom in the middle of a fast song. Keesha had to catch her breath – this was really the last big formal dance they'd have as a group. Senior Dinner Dance kind of counted, but it was just seniors. They were the top dogs of this prom, and it was the last one they'd have.

Ralphie squeezed her hand. "Want to dance?"

"Oh, sure," Keesha snapped back into reality. She watched the rest of her friends pair off and melt into the crowd of dancing people. Dancing with Ralphie was an odd thing – they talked a lot about all kinds of things. They danced close, but not too close. After a few songs, Ralphie noticed Keesha getting a little restless.

"Want some punch?" Ralphie asked.

"Sure." Keesha shrugged.

Ralphie snapped. "Carlos! Punch!" Carlos socked him in the arm.

"What was that?" Keesha laughed.

"Oh, Carlos looks like a butler." Ralphie looked around. "So, um, you know I've liked you forever, right?"

Keesha reeled from the abrupt subject change. "Yes." She nodded once. "And I suppose I've liked you too. I guess."

Ralphie felt slightly hurt at her less than stellar wording.

"I just – I haven't really acknowledged it until now." Keesha backpedaled. Ralphie still looked uncomfortable. _Screw it_, Keesha thought, and she kissed Ralphie. It took him a second to react, but he returned the kiss. Finally, something was going right. Keesha had thought this would feel like the stars aligning and angels singing, but it didn't. It just felt _right_. It felt like all the years of friendship and bantering had led up to this, and… maybe Phoebe's romanticism was rubbing off on her, after all.

As if on cue, the song from Moulin Rouge started. Keesha pulled away. "Oh great."

"What?" Ralphie asked. Their conversation-turned-confession-turned-kiss-and-back-to-conversation was incredibly confusing.

Keesha sighed. "Want to dance? This is the big song."

"Oh." Ralphie smiled, putting a hand on her waist. "Sure." Keesha put her hand on his shoulder and took his other hand. Ralphie pulled her closer.

"Phoebe is about to start crying." Keesha looked over at where Phoebe and Arnold were dancing.

"Why?" Ralphie furrowed his brow.

"This song. It's so painfully romantic…" Keesha stopped. _Oh God, this song is about pledging undying love. I can't – I don't know. I'm not ready for undying love. I just want to make it through prom without Ralphie hating me. _

"Oh." Ralphie smiled uncomfortably. "I don't think I saw this movie."

"Seriously?" Keesha asked. The girls had watched _Moulin Rouge_ several times already. Despite their best efforts, they'd all been reduced to tears – even Wanda, who wouldn't admit it even while she was crying. "It's pretty good. Sappy, but good. It's pretty much Phoebe's favorite movie. The rest of us tried not to like it, but..."

"Oh." Ralphie wondered why they were talking about Phoebe instead of, you know, kissing. There was only one way to fix that, so he kissed Keesha again. This time it was less of a surprise. He made a mental note to work on the segue into kissing. This would work for now.

Keesha didn't care that there were people watching them, or that they had just been talking about Phoebe before kissing instead of their feelings or saying something deep and emotional. She was just glad that she finally was kissing Ralphie and things hadn't fallen apart yet. Maybe there was hope for her after all. She wasn't sure what she wanted from life, but this wasn't too bad.

* * *

DA and Tim weren't dancing to the song; instead, they were making out in the hallway. Tim had been relieved that DA had liked him, too. He'd been going through periods of serious depression, and sometimes the only thing that kept him going was the hope that his friends would stick around, that maybe someone cared. DA was an amazing, beautiful, smart woman, and to have it be her that cared left him feeling luckier than words. And Tim wouldn't leave her at the dance, like Arnold had at Homecoming.

* * *

Phoebe sniffled into Arnold's shoulder.

"Why are you crying?" He asked.

"This is just so perfect." She sighed. "Sometimes I wish nothing would change."

"I know." Arnold leaned his head against hers. "Why do we have to go to college so far away?"

"Let's not talk about that." Phoebe said. She had never thought of applying to Carnegie State, and by the time she and Arnold got together, it was too late. She figured she could transfer, but whenever she brought it up, Keesha freaked out. Thinking about the group shattered in college would make her cry harder, and she didn't know if Arnold would get his deposit back on his tux if she sobbed into it any more.

"We'll make it though." Arnold said. "I know I'll always love you. Being across the state from you won't change anything."

This wasn't helping Phoebe hold in her tears. "I'll always love you too." The moment was interrupted by a flurry of movement out of the corner of her eye. "What's that?" She asked. Arnold turned around.

"It's Carlos." Arnold realized. "And Wanda."

"Are they doing an interpretive dance?" Phoebe asked. Arnold laughed. They were actually kind of good in a terribly hammy dramatic kind of way.

This isn't what Phoebe had pictured when she found out that the theme of the prom was "Come What May." She'd pictured her and Arnold pledging their lives to each other – and perhaps Keesha and Ralphie doing the same, instead of making out on the dance floor like they were doing, but it was good enough. DA and Tim were a nice bonus – wherever they were. And here Carlos and Wanda were, dramatically waving their arms around in a combination of ballroom and interpretive dance.

They were perfect for each other. If she wasn't dancing with Arnold, Phoebe would have emitted her high-pitched noise. It looked like the theory was right, and they were all paired off. It was just too perfect.

* * *

**author's note:** Thanks for reading so far!

Of course, the song from Moulin Rouge is "Come What May," the desired prom theme of certain high school seniors in 2002.

A tip of the hat to SuperMeganFoxyAwesomeHot for writing about Ralphie loving Monty Python.

And I made up all the universities so they can offer whatever I want! They may be based partially on real universities, but they will be entirely fictional.

Also bear with the pairings – this fic will span a lot of time. Your favorite pair may get together at some point.

Stay tuned for the final chapter of high school shenanigans.


	4. the end of the beginning

**author's note: **moralists, there is mention of premarital sex in this chapter. It's not who you think it is – it's a ship we're all okay with, I hope.

* * *

**chapter 3: the end of the beginning**

**June 8, 2002  
****Walker Arena  
****Walkerville, PA**

Graduation involved a lot more speeches than Tim expected. He expected the alphabetical seating chart, putting him near Carlos. Instead of listening, he decided to go over a mental highlight reel from high school – like when Carlos auditioned for a spot on the musical productions team because Keesha dared him to, and ended up making it. His favorite role was playing the dentist in _Little Shop of Horrors._ He was actually really good, and Mr. Ramon had wanted his son to stick with theatre. Or there was the time that Phoebe decided to give alcohol up for Lent so she wouldn't "fail" because she only had it once, but then people kept asking her what she gave up, forcing her to either lie or admit that she'd had a drink. There was the time the guys learned the dance to "Oops, I Did it Again" and lip-synced it for the talent show – with costumes and everything. They got a much better reception than when their band played in 9th grade. They'd rehearsed in Ralphie's garage, playing CDs of rock loud enough that Dr. Tennelli wouldn't figure out what they were doing until it was too late. The girls had laughed so hard at the show that they cried. Wanda claimed she peed a little, but she wasn't exactly reliable. One of Tim's favorite memories was when Dr. Tennelli decided to tell Ralphie a cautionary tale about premarital sex on his 18th birthday – namely, that he was conceived at an REO Speedwagon concert in Trenton. Ralphie had freaked out. Of course she told the story in front of all of his friends, who mostly laughed at Ralphie's reaction while being secretly glad their own parents weren't sharing the same details.

Tim didn't realize he was laughing until Carlos asked, "What?"

"Ralphie was conceived at an REO Speedwagon concert." Tim snickered.

"And he freaked out because his mom banged his dad."

"Before they were married." Tim continued. "That's what started the whole thing." He could still hear Dr. Tennelli reminding Ralphie that he didn't have his father's last name – because he was born out of wedlock. The look on Dr. Tennelli's face had been priceless as Ralphie had run upstairs screaming. Good ol' Dr. T knew how to make parties awkward.

"SHH!" Someone hissed at the boys.

There had been low points, too: Keesha's grandmother kept getting sick and Keesha was worried that she'd end up in foster care or have to be on her own for the rest of high school. Janet spent senior year back at Walkerville High after spending years at a Catholic boarding school. She was sick of being a big fish in a big pond and wanted to feel like she was in charge again. She'd tried to push the gang around again, but Arnold had displayed a lot of spine in dealing with her – he'd called her on more crap than Tim had ever seen. Wanda's rebelling against DA's theory had her swearing off dating in large dramatic ways, often in the middle of serious moments. Tim didn't want to think about the bad things now. He'd remember them in time. Graduation was about looking back fondly, so he decided to do that instead.

Overall, high school had been a good experience. Tim had been dating DA for almost three months now; it was easy and nothing about it needed to change. Anything after August was a mystery to him. What would going to college look like if they didn't all pile into Phoebe's 1993 Caravan with wood paneling? What would they listen to if not the mix of whomever was in the front seat, with Phoebe singing harmony? Granted, he wouldn't miss the mixes that Wanda made - a genre Arnold called "dentist music." Wanda liked it because it "calmed her" and she had "complex feelings to express." Maybe he wouldn't miss Ralphie's bizarre mix of oldies and hair bands, come to think of it. No one could listen to REO Speedwagon without being amused and horrified. Tim stifled laughter again. He had to stop thinking about Ralphie's birthday. He looked behind them – past the S last names – to where Ralphie and Phoebe were near each other. Ralphie caught his eyes and made a face. A teacher noticed and glared at him.

_Okay, back to the memories_. Tim thought. Things wouldn't be the same, not without Carlos's made up words to songs, like singing "What the hell is add?" instead of spelling the letters out in "What's My Age Again?" Tim's personal favorite was when Carlos substituted "jello" for "yellow" in the song of the same name. He'd croon the song, being extra serious, even through "you were all jello…" Tim didn't realize he was laughing again.

Carlos shook his head a bit, trying to condemn Tim, but he was remembering the fact that Dr. T was willing to tell Ralphie _the song_ that was playing was nothing if not hilarious. Not as hilarious as Ralphie running up to his room yelling. "I won't tell you, because I know you like the song!" Dr T. had yelled after him. _These are the days of our lives_, Carlos thought.

* * *

Walkerville High School sponsored a lock in at Adventure Indoor Park after the commencement to keep the kids from drinking and driving. Carlos thought it sounded lame.

"Why don't we go to Ralphie's basement and watch Monty Python?" He complained.

"I don't get how you find that stuff funny." DA sighed. "It's just too ridiculous."

"My mom won't let me have girls stay over anymore." Ralphie sighed. He wondered if his mom would have still given him the disturbing information that he couldn't forget if he hadn't been dating Keesha. It was still worth it. Most of the time.

"Is this because of the REO Speedwagon concert?" Arnold asked.

"SHUT UP." Ralphie yelled. "I liked them and she had to ruin them for me."

"If she hadn't banged your dad, you wouldn't be alive." Wanda pointed out.

"But I don't need _details_." Ralphie whined. Actually he didn't need to know his mom had banged his dad at all. He was willing to believe that he was cloned from one of her hairs or something.

"Here we are." Phoebe announced as she parked, hoping that would change the subject.

"I hope this doesn't suck," Carlos said, looking at DA and Tim, who were holding hands.

"It won't," Keesha said. She was kind of excited to be able to stay up all night with her friends. They'd had to postpone Phoebe's 18th birthday party – Phoebe had turned 18 the day before graduation – for this. Besides, she was at her last high school function ever, and this time she had a boyfriend.

Carlos was going to have a miserable time. All his friends were in couples except Wanda, and she was so easily entertained by going on all the rides that made Ralphie puke, because Ralphie and Keesha were probably too busy making out somewhere. At 3 am, Carlos got tired of following Wanda around. He moped into the ice cream parlor, where he came across Phoebe, who was reading.

"Aren't you going to make out with Arnold?" He asked. Phoebe held up a finger. "What? What are you reading?" Phoebe held up the book without taking her eyes off it. Carlos squinted at the cover.

"She's at a good part," Arnold explained, sitting down across from Phoebe with ice cream. "She hasn't said anything for the last half an hour." He slid one bowl over to Phoebe, who took a bite without looking away from her book.

"What the hell is _A Storm of Swords_?" Carlos tried to imagine it: a tornado made entirely of swords. "It sounds badass."

"It's the third book in this series she's into. I got it for her for her birthday. She's trying to get me to read it, but I don't like fantasy." Arnold said.

"Why not?" Carlos asked. Arnold stared at him. It took Carlos a second to remember a few reasons why Arnold would be somewhat wary of stories that involved magical entities and transformations. "Oh right." He said.

Phoebe gasped. "NO!" She cried, and her "no"s got faster and louder. "NO! NONONONONO!"

"What happened now?" Arnold asked.

"Wait, what?" Carlos wondered.

"I CAN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE YOU NEED TO READ IT!" Phoebe began sobbing. "Everything was going to be fine and then…" Suddenly she was angry. "Those double-crossing bastards!"

"That many feelings over a book?" Carlos jeered. "You know these people aren't real."

"You read it, Carlos." Phoebe spoke to him for the first time that night. "Read these books and tell me you don't feel anything."

"Why should I?" Carlos demanded.

"I dare you." Phoebe said coolly.

"Deal!" Carlos always accepted dares.

Arnold didn't want to be one-upped by Carlos. "You know what, Phoebe, I want to read the first book. That way we can read it at the same time when we're apart." Carlos made gagging noises.

"Here." Phoebe took a book out of her bag and handed it to Arnold.

"You brought two books to a party?" Carlos asked.

"In case I finished this one, I could re-read the first one." Phoebe shrugged and tried to get back to her book.

"Who are you? DA?" Carlos snarked.

"They're really good, okay?" Phoebe argued. "Get DA or someone to take you to the library. It's called _A Game of Thrones_. Read it."

* * *

Keesha and Ralphie were roller skating. Keesha had been pleasantly surprised at how much fun she had doing stereotypical couples things like roller skating and sharing milkshakes with Ralphie. Not that it should surprise her – Ralphie was a fun guy. She hated that things were going so well right before he moved to Pittsburgh.

"Do you think we'll stay together in college?" She asked.

"Yeah," Ralphie said. "I don't want to date anyone else." He wondered if that was the right thing to say. He wasn't good at dating – or relationships at all, really. He blamed his deadbeat dad for knocking his mom up in a bathroom at an REO Speedwagon concert, divorcing her, and then waiting until Ralphie was old enough to remember before he vanished. He had a great idea of what not to do, but not much of an idea of what they should do. Were they supposed to have a song or something? Should he give her his class ring? Wasn't that what they did on _Happy Days_?

"Me either." Keesha took his hand. "But did you have to go to school across the state?"

"I got a scholarship." Ralphie shrugged. "And it's not like Pennsylvania is that big. We can meet in the middle on weekends."

"Pittsburgh is across the state the long way." Keesha complained. "It's six hours away."

"I know." Ralphie sighed. He wasn't looking forward to leaving Keesha and some of his friends behind. At least Arnold and DA were coming to Pittsburgh. And they all wanted to study something in the sciences, which was good. They'd see each other. Still, he wished this had worked out better. Maybe he and Arnold could transfer to Conwell after a couple years. "I'll come back for winter break. And spring break. And summer."

"I'm glad." Keesha hugged him. It was 4 am and she was feeling sappy.

* * *

Wanda didn't notice when Carlos left. Her friends had been super dramatic ever since they all started dating and stuff. She preferred not to get too caught up in the drama. Life was easier if you kept it simple. She didn't have to think about boyfriends or college or anything that night, so she didn't. The hardest decision she wanted to make was whether or not her stomach could take the Screaming Spinner again. She'd made poor decisions a few times that night – eating a ton of ice cream and going on the tilt-a-whirl was one such decision – but she chose to live in the moment. At one particular moment around 5 am, she felt like sleeping on a bench next to the bumper cars. So she did.

* * *

**August 15, 2002  
****Walkerville, PA**

The gang's parents let them get away with a lot more get-togethers than usual that summer – they went to Adventure Park more times than they could count, spent countless nights in each other's houses watching movies, and pretty much memorized all the Monty Python movies. Unbeknownst to the other guys, Ralphie watched _Moulin Rouge_. He cried – but only just a little. Keesha was sworn to secrecy.

Tim packed gradually over the summer. He wasn't going far, but he was going far enough to get away from his parents. They insisted that he could commute to New Jersey, but he made arrangements to live on campus with Carlos. Carlos had made it through _A Game of Thrones _and recommended it to Tim, who found himself reading it when he was supposed to be packing. Carlos had made it required reading, which he figured was good practice for college. Tim slightly resented that his roommate was the one assigning reading.

DA had labeled, color coded, and written dates on each of her boxes. She was nothing if not organized. Carnegie State had a good chemistry program, and she was looking forward to her research. As the time to leave for college approached, she had a dilemma. She really liked Tim, but they'd be too far away. She finally decided that she didn't want a boyfriend distracting her from her studies. Her past experience with Carlos had taught her that boyfriends were incredibly distracting. Still, she liked him a lot, and hoped that they'd be able to pick up where they'd left off – maybe when she was in graduate school.

Phoebe delayed packing. It's not that she wasn't excited to go to college; it's that she dreaded Arnold moving across the state. She and Keesha would have talked more about what would happen if they each hadn't been talking to their respective boyfriends.

Carlos knew his friends thought he'd wait until the last second and stash everything he owned into boxes, so he started packing early to spite them. They were unaware of this, but Carlos knew he had the upper hand, and got really smug whenever anyone discussed packing. Wanda didn't care what her friends thought, and completed her packing in an all-nighter in mid-August.

Before she knew it, she was being dropped off at the airport. Phoebe's lip was trembling. Everyone looked sad. Wanda took a deep breath. She was the first one to leave the group, and she was going all the way to the other side of the country. The rest of the gang had made a big deal about Pittsburgh being so far away. San Diego wasn't even driving distance. She hugged everyone goodbye.

"I'll try not to have too much fun without you." Wanda turned and walked away, wheeling her bag behind her. "See you at Christmas, losers!"

She definitely didn't feel sad, she told herself. That was excitement she was feeling. Her life was about to start.

* * *

**author's note**:

Yes, the talent show band Tim remembers is Chemical Toilet from "Money for Nothing," and they sang "Smells Like Teen Spirit." They only know one song. This is the way things must be.

Some creative license taken with timing and location of the REO Speedwagon concert.

Carlos's tampered lyrics are from "What's My Age Again" by Blink 182 and "Yellow" by Coldplay. Singing "What the hell is ADD" as "what the hell is add?" is definitely not my idea – I heard it from Richard Cheese.

Phoebe is reading _A Storm of Swords_. A major tip of the hat to theultimateSora for writing about Phoebe loving these books. I knew I had to incorporate them. There will be more A Song of Ice and Fire as the books are passed around the group. This means spoilers, for those of you who haven't read the books or seen the shows. Granted, the gang is behind us in reading, but that's only because this is taking place in the early 00s.

Next up, college. This is where it starts getting interesting, folks.


	5. college, cheesy songs, & coincidences

**author's note:** A major spoiler for _A Game of Thrones_ (the first book in the series) is up ahead, in case you have existed in a spoiler-free zone since 1996 and want to remain there. If you don't care about that series, don't worry, you can still read this fic and it will make sense.

* * *

**chapter 4: college, cheesy songs, &amp; coincidences**

**August 16, 2002  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda loved California. She couldn't decide what her favorite part was: the beautiful weather, not having New Jersey between her and the beach, or being thousands of miles from her family that tried to force her into marriages with men twice her age… now all she had to do was make some best friends, pass college, meet a hot surfer guy who was rich, get married, throw it all in DA's face, and she'd be golden. The world was her oyster.

* * *

**August 17, 2002  
****En route to Pittsburgh**

Arnold decided to read _A Game of Thrones_ on the drive over to Pittsburgh, even though his parents wished he'd actually talk to them. Since Dr. T had a shift at the hospital, she'd said goodbye to Ralphie the night before. Ralphie was a little relieved that she wouldn't have the chance to reveal more earth-shattering information when his friends were watching. Ralphie had ridden with Arnold and his parents, who would fly home once the guys were settled, leaving Arnold with the car. DA was probably already there – the guys got a late start because Arnold kept finding more things to bring. Since they were both in the back seat and Arnold had a tendency to verbally react to exciting developments in the book, Arnold had to stop reading to explain several times.

"Wait, dragon eggs?" Ralphie asked. "I thought you didn't like fantasy."

"I don't. I'm reading this because Phoebe likes it." Arnold said, soon getting engrossed in the book again.

"Sure." Ralphie laughed. "And I watch Star Wars for the political intrigue."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

"Here we are." Phoebe said, putting her bag down in the empty dorm room. The beds were lofted, leaving room for the desks and making the room look slightly bigger than the oversized closet it probably was.

"I hope I don't fall off the bed." Keesha winced at the thought. The room was plain, but it was away from home. Besides, she had stacks of pictures of all their friends to stick on the walls. It would look awesome in no time.

"I think I'll be too afraid to roll over." Phoebe said. "Come on, let's go get the rest of our stuff." Keesha followed her out the door.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Jersey…**

"And then, right when everything is going to be okay, Joffrey tells the one guy to behead Ned Stark!" Carlos exclaimed.

"Thanks for ruining it, dude." Tim sighed. "I'm halfway through."

"Sorry." Carlos shrugged. "You should have read faster. Hey! You know who needs to read this? Wanda."

"Why?" Tim asked. "She doesn't like complicated stuff. This is super complicated. I feel like I need charts."

"But she'll like all the murdering and the sex." Carlos shrugged. "I wonder how far Arnold's got."

"Call him later; he probably hasn't made it to Pittsburgh yet." Tim knew Carlos would ignore him.

* * *

**Meanwhile, en route to Pittsburgh…**

"Why is Carlos calling me?" Arnold wondered.

"Maybe he wants to make more comments about how we're 'living together.'" Ralphie made air quotes.

Arnold's parents exchanged a look.

"What?" Arnold asked into his phone. "WHY DID YOU TELL ME THAT? YOU RUINED IT! I'm a third of the way through. Stop calling me." He hung up. "Apparently Carlos finished the book and needs to talk about it, so he told me what happens." He debated ruining it for Ralphie, too – in the interest of fairness – but decided to be nice and keep his mouth shut.

"Why doesn't he call Phoebe then?" Ralphie asked. Arnold glared at him. "What? You're not the only one who can call Phoebe." Ralphie, for one, planned to commiserate with Phoebe that their teams would never make it to the World Series again.

"I don't want to suggest that to Carlos. He's…" Arnold tried to explain why the idea of Carlos and Phoebe talking for hours about the books would disturb him. Carlos was charming and could get his own way very easily. He knew Phoebe could talk to anyone at great length about the books. It would be too easy for Carlos to try to manipulate Phoebe away from him – maybe he was getting way too into the intrigue and scheming in the books. Still, if anyone was going to have a quality conversation with his girlfriend, it would be him. "I need to finish this book."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

Keesha and Phoebe lugged up armfuls of boxes to their room. "Do you have the key?" Phoebe asked.

"No, I thought you did." Keesha said. Phoebe set her boxes down and patted her pockets.

"I don't have it!" She cried.

"Check your purse." Keesha tried to remain calm.

"My purse is in the room!" Phoebe cried. Her phone buzzed. "Why is Carlos calling me?"

"Ignore him. We have to find our keys." Keesha put her boxes down and patted her pockets.

"Look who it is," a voice came from behind them.

Phoebe's eyes widened. "Janet?"

"The one and only." Janet smirked. "Did you losers lock yourselves out?"

"You go here?" Keesha asked.

"Me and twenty thousand others." Janet shrugged. "It's a free country."

"And you live in this hall?" Phoebe asked shakily.

"Just your luck, isn't it?" Janet laughed and walked off.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in San Diego…**

Wanda had unpacked her room and waited for a roommate to show up. It had felt like weeks since she moved in. Campus was too far from the beach to do anything, and Wanda didn't have a car, which was super lame. All that freedom she had felt at first was suddenly suffocating and it had only been one day. She sat at her computer. Her IM was up, but none of her friends were online. One thing she knew about college was that college students were online all the time, so they obviously hadn't set up their computers yet. Despondent, she decided to listen to music. If there was one person who could express her complicated feelings at this moment, it was Céline Dion. Wanda sang along.

"When I was young, I never needed anyone…"

Fortunately, her roommate didn't show up during the dramatic chorus, but during the instrumental part where Wanda was in the midst of an interpretive dance.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Jersey…**

"Well that was easy." Tim said once they got their stuff unpacked. "Now what?"

"You know, I hadn't really thought ahead this far." Carlos admitted. "My plan was to get to college. Here we are."

"Yep." Tim sighed.

"So… what's your favorite joke?" Carlos asked. This was the time when he and Tim were going to become best friends.

"What do you call a black pilot?" Tim asked. He suspected Carlos would like hearing an off-color joke. He was right, judging by Carlos's eager reaction.

"I don't know, what?"

"A _pilot_, you racist." Tim went back to putting his clothes away.

"That was okay." Carlos shrugged. "So a rope goes into a bar, and the bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here!' So the rope goes out, ties itself into a knot, and ruffles his end, and goes back in. The bartender says, 'Aren't you that rope that was in here?' And the rope says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'"

Tim couldn't bring himself to pity laugh. "Puns are the lowest form of humor."

"Phoebe says I have a gift." Carlos argued.

Tim looked at Carlos. "She also says Janet has a gift for instantly making everyone hate her."

"It is kind of a superpower. You just have to _look_ at her." Carlos had a policy to accept every compliment he received – sincere, backhanded, or dubious, it didn't matter. Besides, Phoebe was too nice to give anyone backhanded compliments.

"Maybe we should figure out where our classes are." Tim suggested.

"Nah, let's just watch TV!" Carlos exclaimed. "How big can this campus be?"

Tim sighed again.

"So… how about them Eagles?"

Tim forgot that Carlos loved football. "What about them?"

"You don't like football?"

"Not really." Tim shrugged. "I mean, if you want a violent contact sport, there's rugby. Football is rugby with shoulder pads."

This was going nowhere fast. "Hey, have you heard of the movie _Constipated_?" Carlos asked.

"Why would I even want to?"

"It's not out yet." Carlos grinned. "They keep trying, though…"

"Dammit, Carlos." This was going to be a long four years.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

"Locked yourselves out already?" The resident advisor asked. She had stopped by to introduce herself to her new freshmen, only to find them out in the hall with boxes, looking distraught.

"Sorry." Phoebe said.

"It happens a lot, don't worry about it." The RA smiled. "I'm Emily. Will one of you come down with me to get a key?"

"I will." Keesha said, though Phoebe's eyes pleaded her not to leave her alone with a rogue Janet wandering around. "I'm Keesha."

"Nice to meet you!" Emily said. She didn't notice Phoebe's plight in watching her best friend vanish into the hallway of a strange building with a blonde upperclassman. "Where are you from?"

"Walkerville." Keesha explained. "Phoebe and I have been best friends since third grade, so we thought we'd make good roommates."

"I hope you do!" Emily exclaimed. "I roomed with my best friend freshman year."

"How'd it go?" Keesha asked.

"Oh – we don't talk anymore." Emily seemed to be realizing that this was not a good topic of conversation. "So… do you know what you're studying yet?"

"Psychology, I guess." Keesha shrugged. She was excited about watching more fainting goats videos.

"Cool!" Emily seemed to have boundless enthusiasm. "What about your roommate?"

"Animal biology. Phoebe's going to be a veterinarian." Talking about Phoebe's goals was a lot safer. Phoebe actually _had_ goals. "She's got everything figured out."

"And you don't?"

"Well, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life." Keesha wasn't sure why she was telling things like that to this friendly stranger.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…**

Dorothy Ann sat at her computer, waiting for the guys to get online. She knew they lived in the same residence hall. She just didn't know _where_. Finally, she gave up on waiting and called Arnold because his number came up before Ralphie's.

"STOP CALLING ME." He snapped.

"What? This is the first time I called you!" She said.

"Sorry, I thought you were Carlos."

"Um, okay…" DA didn't know how to react to that. "Where are you guys?"

"We're just pulling into the parking lot."

"Need help moving your stuff?" She asked. She'd ended up with a single room, so she didn't have a roommate. She didn't mind. She'd need the quiet to study.

"Yeah!" Arnold said. "We're in the west parking lot."

DA grabbed her keys and ran downstairs, hoping she ended up in the correct parking lot.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in San Diego…**

"Hi. I'm Wanda." Wanda said robotically.

"Tiffany." The blonde girl said. "Were you just dancing? Is that Céline Dion?"

"Yes?"

Tiffany laughed. "I'm your roommate, I guess."

"Nice to meet you." Wanda said.

"You look familiar." Tiffany said, putting her stuff down.

"So do you." Wanda turned off the music. "Where are you from?"

"Philadelphia."

"Really?" Wanda cried. "I'm from Walkerville!"

"I'm from Walkerville!" Tiffany's eyes widened.

"Then why did you say Philadelphia?" Wanda realized that this far away, people would actually probably say Philadelphia and instantly felt stupid. If college was just going to make her feel stupid, she hated it. This was not a good sign.

"I guess I could have said 'around Philadelphia,'" Tiffany said. "So we must've gone to high school at the same time. I'm a sophomore now."

"I'm a freshman." Wanda actually remembered the first day she had met Tiffany – the day she made Arnold fill up water in the girls' bathroom before that field trip. Of course, she couldn't explain this to her new roommate. She could practically hear DA saying "I told you so!"

"What are you studying?" Tiffany asked.

"I don't know." Wanda sat on her bed. "Psychology?"

"I'm studying marketing. It's actually pretty interesting. You should take an intro class." Tiffany suggested.

"Okay," Wanda shrugged. Maybe she'd meet her hot surfer guy in marketing, then DA could suck it.

"Well, I'm going to go get the rest of my stuff…" Tiffany said.

"Okay." Wanda thought for a second before saying, "Wait, do you need help?"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

Phoebe waited diligently for Janet to jump out from around a corner, tip over all the boxes, and run away cackling. Though it seemed like the most likely scenario, it didn't happen. Instead, Keesha came back with the RA, who unlocked the door. "Nice meeting you!" Keesha waved.

"Aren't you glad Janet didn't come back?" Phoebe asked.

"I knew you could take her." Keesha shrugged. "Let's get this stuff in and get to unpacking."

The girls unpacked the essentials first before tackling the decor. Fortunately, they didn't have much stuff.

"Phoebe, you know if you put up that Red Sox pennant, you are going to be beaten up." Keesha remarked. "You know this is Phillies country."

"They're in different leagues; they don't play each other at all this year. Besides, Ralphie never beat me up." Phoebe shrugged as she put sticky tack on the corner of the pennant.

"That's because we've been friends since third grade."

"He punched Carlos in the face when Carlos decided he liked the Mets, and he's known Carlos since second grade."

"That's because that was Carlos. Everyone wants to punch him in the face sometimes. Then he decided he liked the Yankees so _you_'d punch him in the face. You should have." Keesha carefully placed a picture of Arnold and Phoebe on her bulletin board.

"I couldn't punch Carlos!" Phoebe looked at the picture Keesha was putting up and smiled. "Still, it's no problem. It's not like the Sox have won a Series since 1918." She sighed. "At least the Phillies had 1980."

"Ah, sports I don't care about." Keesha laughed. She vastly preferred basketball to any other sport. Phoebe enjoyed basketball and watched football if it was on, but didn't have strong feelings about it, unless the Patriots were involved. Ralphie liked all sports, but he loved baseball almost as much as he loved his mother. "How did I get stuck with the two baseball nuts?"

"You lucked out." Phoebe grinned, putting the pennant up above her desk. "With any luck, we'll get a Phillies-Red Sox World Series and you'll _have_ to learn about baseball."

"Doubtful." Keesha was slightly afraid of its power to transform mild-mannered Phoebe into a borderline aggressive angry fan, though. For a second after Carlos declared for the Yankees, a darkness had fallen over Phoebe's face that made Keesha shiver. Keesha had decided that Phoebe could possibly be the most evil person in the group if she just gave in to it. She remembered nearly everything the gang had been through together, and paid close attention to people. If she used her power for evil, the gang would be hosed.

"I know." Phoebe said wistfully. "Besides, how would you know which team to root for?"

"The one with the cooler mascot." Keesha shrugged.

"Is it dumb that I miss everyone already?"

"Probably. But I miss them too."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…**

"How did you each bring more stuff than I did?" DA wondered loudly as she lugged one of Ralphie's boxes up.

"He has all that baseball crap." Arnold said. "And I didn't want to leave my entire rock collection. My mom has wanted to throw it out for years."

"I have to make an oasis of Phillies in this godforsaken town," Ralphie explained, glad that he could say "godforsaken" without his mother yelling at him.

When the guys had set up their stuff, DA stuck around. She had a feeling she'd be hanging out with them a lot, and she didn't mind. They mostly talked about the book Arnold was reading on the way over. "What's the name of that book?"

"_A Game of Thrones_." Arnold said. "Phoebe's way into these books. It's a good way for me to feel like we're still all in Walkerville."

"Mind if I borrow it when you're done?" DA asked.

"It's Phoebe's – I'm sure she won't mind. She'd probably love to talk to all of us about it." Arnold said. That was an understatement. He knew Phoebe would make that high-pitched noise over her friends getting together and the idea of having a kind of _Game of Thrones _book club. Maybe DA and Carlos would hook up at book club and Phoebe would die and go to heaven.

"There's dragons in it, and Carlos will spoil everything." Ralphie explained.

"Okay…" DA raised her eyebrows.

"That's all I know so far. He's telling me what happens as he reads."

"Why don't you read it for yourself?" DA asked.

"One – we only have the one copy of the book. Two – I need to know if it's worth reading." Ralphie tried to think of more reasons.

"Fine, whatever." DA shrugged.

* * *

**August 16, 2002  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Making friends with Tiffany made Wanda realize just how comfortable she'd been with her other friends. Whose idea had it been to move to California anyway?

Oh right.

Her mom called her and asked how she was. Wanda knew what she was really asking, so she said, "Oh, I'm great, Mom! You wouldn't believe the weather here – and I'm already friends with my roommate!"

Take _that_, parental pressure to go to Walker State.

Maybe if all her friends had gone there, Wanda would have been able to ignore her grandmother's setups for four years. Maybe.

When she got back from breakfast, she had an IM waiting from DA.

**DA**: how's California?

**Wanda loves California**: amazing! I'm already friends with my roommate! How's Pittsburgh?

**DA****: It's good! I think Ralphie is still setting up his Phillies shrine.**

**Wanda loves California**: before his computer?

**DA****: you know his priorities, Wanda.**

**DA****: Meanwhile, Arnold is all set up and reading that book Phoebe lent him. I don't think he's slept.**

**DA****: he's super into it and explaining everything to Ralphie, who also apparently wears hospital socks around his dorm because his feet get cold. **

**Wanda loves California****: weird. **

**DA****: I knew you'd like that detail.**

****DA:****** so how are things with you? **

**Wanda loves California****: Tiffany, the girl Arnold liked forever, is my roommate.**

**DA****: NO WAY.**

**Wanda loves California****: and I met several hot surfer type guys.**

**DA****: that's just great**

**Wanda loves California****: say goodbye to your precious theory**

Wanda sighed. This was much less fun than it would be in person.

**DA**: I miss you and your naïve beliefs that you can single-handedly take down the theory

**DA**: You know I'm right. I'm always right.

Wanda laughed, and took a second to finally write down what she was thinking:

**Wanda loves California**: the only bad thing about California is that you guys aren't here

She sat there, wondering what DA would say.

**DA**: we miss you too, but you have to honor those surfer boys with your presence. It's better than marrying a 50 year old that your grandma met at the grocery store because he likes lettuce and you like lettuce, right?

Wanda smiled.

**Wanda loves California**: tell the boys to get online so I can make fun of Ralphie's socks.

* * *

**October 9, 2002  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

The guys were in DA's room for a change. Classes were going decently well, but midterms were just after Fall Break. "I'd love to go back home!" Arnold exclaimed. He desperately wanted to see Phoebe again, but he also didn't want to completely botch his college experience. He needed to study for his intro to engineering class, which he hated with the fire of a thousand suns. Engineering had seemed like a good idea a year ago, before he actually did any of it.

"We could go home so I could get my truck. My mom was threatening to melt it down." Ralphie shrugged. They hadn't been entirely sure his truck would make it to Pittsburgh the first time, but there was no harm in trying now.

"We need to get the gang back together. I have a plan." DA raised her eyebrows quickly. "It won't take long. Besides, it's Fall Break."

"Is it Fall Break for everyone?" Arnold asked. He didn't want to drive for six hours for Phoebe not to be there.

"I figured you two could ask your girlfriends. I'll get Carlos and Tim." DA said. She typed something into IM quickly, then shrugged. "Done. They're on break and they'll come back."

"Well that was easy." Ralphie said. "I'll call Keesha."

* * *

**October 12, 2002  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda's phone rang at noon on a Saturday, waking her up. "What the hell?" She asked. Tim's home number was on the caller ID. "Hello?" She hoped it wasn't Tim's dad again, like that one time he thought Wanda was a psychic because Tim had lied. That was awkward.

"Wanda?" DA asked. "Can you hear me?" Her voice was far away.

"Yes…" Wanda sat up. Something was fishy about this.

"You're not in public, are you?" DA asked.

"No. What? Why? What's going on? Why are you at Tim's house?"

"You'll see." The voice was Carlos's.

"WHY IS CARLOS THERE TOO?" She asked. "Who all is there?"

"Oh, we're all here." Keesha said.

Wanda felt the anger rise in her chest. Her friends had got together on Fall Break and were rubbing it in her face. They knew she was alone. They probably knew she missed them. This was bullshit. "Why are you calling me?"

Someone cleared their throat.

"You'll see in a sec." DA said reassuringly. "Ready?"

"Ready for what?" Wanda asked as some music started. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Then a few of them started singing. Wanda couldn't pick out who – Keesha and Phoebe? Arnold and Tim?

"Many times I tried to tell you, many times I cried alone…"

Wanda's eyes widened. This was one of her songs. This was the song she made Phoebe listen to on repeat for twenty minutes once as they'd driven all the way across the county to the one acceptable McDonald's. This was the song where she told Ralphie that he belonged to the light and the thunder, and he'd punched her in the arm. And now her seven best friends were singing it to her over the phone. They knew she loved the song. They missed her enough to learn the words and sing it into a phone, even though they probably felt really stupid. She had no idea what she'd done to deserve friends like this. She knew everything she'd done to deserve them abandoning her – and they weren't.

Wanda couldn't help herself. She'd been sad about being alone, but hadn't actually cried until now. She could pick out each of her friends' voices now: Phoebe singing harmony, DA's soprano, Tim's baritone, Carlos and Keesha's voices, full of drama… and she knew why they were at Tim's house. Tim had a karaoke machine. This scheme had required planning, and her friends had decided that she was worth it.

And she couldn't help but join the chorus. She knew she sounded horrible. Singing wasn't her strong suit, and singing through tears was awful.

As the song ended, DA asked, "Well?"

Wanda sniffled. "Please tell me Keesha got way too into that song."

"You know it!" Keesha said.

"And you all got lighters out and swayed." Wanda added.

"We don't let Carlos play with fire and you know it." Tim said. "But there was swaying."

"You guys – that was perfect." Wanda sobbed.

"Definitely." Phoebe said. "I wish you could have seen it." She was probably crying, too. Good old sentimental Phoebe.

"You better do this again when I come home for Christmas." Wanda tried to sound threatening.

"You're going to have to sing it with us." DA replied.

* * *

**author's note**: Janet's line ("the one and only") is from _Butterfly and the Bog Beast_.

Wanda is singing "All By Myself" by Céline Dion, mostly because the image of her doing so is something that has amused me for years. I had to share it, dear reader.

"We Belong" by Pat Benetar is one of my favorite songs for the group of 8 as friends.

So what happens when the gang gets back together over winter break? Is there a massive karaoke party? Will Carlos play with fire? Find out next time…


	6. the therapy van

**chapter 5: the therapy van**

**December 13, 2002  
Ralphie's house  
Walkerville, PA**

The gang had decided that the most obvious place to have a reunion was DA's McDonald's. They'd all come back for break, except Wanda, who was flying back later that afternoon, and her parents would probably commandeer her for a while. Ralphie was putting his coat on to go out the door to McDonald's with his friends when his mom stopped him.

"Ralph, I need to talk to you."

Ralphie stopped abruptly. It was his birthday. The last time she had to talk to him on his birthday, things got terrible incredibly quickly.

"Today?" He asked.

"Now."

"Arnold's out front. We can talk when I get back."

"I won't be home when you get back. Have him drive on. You can have someone else take you." Dr. Tennelli insisted. "Sit down."

Ralphie sighed and called Arnold. "I'll call you when I'm ready, okay? Fine. Okay, tell her to wait then. I'll call her when I need a ride."

"Her?" Dr. Tennelli pried.

Ralphie glared at his mom. "Phoebe. She has some errands to run with her dad or something. So what's so important?"

"It's about your father."

"Of course." Ralphie sighed again and sat on the couch.

"Look," Dr. Tennelli sat across from him. "I'm sorry about your birthday last year. I understand why you're upset."

Ralphie didn't say anything, just raised his eyebrows. Everyone understood why he was upset. This wasn't news.

"And I understand that your father leaving us was devastating to you."

_Thank you, Captain Obvious._

"You're just so angry about it. You're hung up on it, and it's not good for you."

"My father abandoned me." Ralphie said coldly. "Of course I'm hung up on it. I don't know how to have a decent relationship because the only father figure I have ran off and abandoned me. So yeah, I guess I have issues."

Dr. Tennelli's expression softened. "I know it's hard. You seem to forget that I loved him. I married him believing everything would work out. We did our best to raise you well, but things didn't work out between us. I think you're being unfair to him."

"UNFAIR?!" Ralphie demanded.

"Hear me out." Dr. Tennelli said firmly. "You're so hurt that you make him out to be a horrible person. He isn't; he's just a man that made some mistakes. I make mistakes, too. You have to forgive him. Hating him is eating away at you – it's only making you angrier."

"I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT HIM!" Ralphie yelled.

"You do!" Dr. Tennelli said. "But do you have to? What do you want to become? Do you want to spend the rest of your life blaming everything on your dad? Do you want to measure everything in your life against what he did or didn't do? Do you want spend the rest of your life being a victim?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"It's what you're doing!" Dr. Tennelli cried, before recomposing herself. "Look, Michael and I weren't right for each other, but without him, you never would have been born. Do you know how important you are to me? Do you?"

Ralphie hated it when his mom said this kind of thing. It made him feel terrible for all the things he'd done that hurt her. Of course he cared about his mom. This wasn't about her, though; it was about how he felt. Why wouldn't she let him work through his issues in his own way?

"I've had regrets in my life, but meeting your father has never, ever been one of them – because of you." Dr. Tennelli took a deep breath. She rarely cried, but she was near tears. "When you're this angry at him, I wonder if I could have done more to work it out."

"No, Mom, I just – I wish he was around." Ralphie said softly. "I wish he could be my _dad_. That sounds dumb."

"No," Dr. Tennelli sat next to Ralphie and put her arm around him.

"I don't think I can forgive him."

"You need to." Dr. Tennelli said. Ralphie didn't say anything in reply. "I think you need therapy."

Ralphie sat in silence. He was still angry and hurt, and his mom's insistence on telling him things that sucked wasn't helping.

"Promise me you'll look into it when you go back to college. I figured you didn't want me asking my colleagues about it."

"I'll think about it." Ralphie said. "Is that it?"

Dr. Tennelli knew that was the best she was going to get out of her son. "Yeah, you can go now." Dr. T kissed him on the forehead. "You're the best thing that happened to me, Ralph, don't forget that. Happy birthday."

She stood up and went into her room to finish getting ready for work. Ralphie went up to his room and threw himself face-down on his bed for the second birthday in a row.

* * *

Phoebe pulled up to Ralphie's house and lightly tapped the horn twice, the signal she'd used all through high school. She was excited for things to be the same as they used to be, if only for a few weeks. Ralphie came out the front door, holding a CD. He was walking quickly, and seemed to slam the van door a bit too hard.

"Happy birthday!" Phoebe said brightly. Ralphie put the CD in, advanced to track three, fastened his seatbelt, folded his arms, and stared out the window.

She recognized the song Ralphie had put on – it was REO Speedwagon. _That's weird. _Phoebe thought. Then again, it was Ralphie's birthday. Maybe he was thinking about the concert again – but this was a breakup song, so it was unlikely that it was _the _song. She put the van in reverse and headed toward the McDonald's. Ralphie turned the volume up as high as it would go. Phoebe looked over at him. Ralphie was never sullen in the car when he picked the music. He nearly always sang, and this song was one of his favorites. She kept glancing over at him to make sure he was okay. He looked like he was about to cry, but he didn't say anything, so Phoebe didn't either. She sat rigidly straight, navigating the holiday traffic. Out of habit, Phoebe started mouthing the words to the chorus.

Phoebe tried not to think about what on earth this would mean. Ralphie would talk when he was ready. He always did, and it didn't usually take long. Finally, the song was over. Ralphie turned it back down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Phoebe asked.

Ralphie wanted to say, "no," but what came out was, "My mom thinks I need therapy."

"For the field trips?"

Ralphie laughed involuntarily, "No, it's because I'm so angry at my dad for abandoning us."

Phoebe didn't say anything. She'd found that being quiet was the best way to make sure the other person said what they needed to say. Ralphie started talking and had difficulty stopping.

"I don't get how she expected me to take this. She raised me _Catholic_, Phoebe. With all those high moral standards and 'thou shalt not's, and then I start feel guilty for even _existing _because my dad couldn't keep it in his pants until they were married – at a concert. In public. In a _bathroom, _of all places. It's undignified and gross and why did it even have to be REO Speedwagon? Why couldn't it be some band that wasn't good?"

Under normal circumstances, Phoebe would have inserted a remark about REO Speedwagon being potent music. It was the kind of humor Ralphie would normally appreciate.

"And then they get divorced, which is okay, I guess. I mean, sometimes things don't work out and I can get that. It sucks, but I could get over it. But he just _leaves _us, and I'm supposed to be okay with it? He runs back to New York – or wherever the hell he is – and doesn't visit or call, and I'm supposed to accept it like she has? He didn't even come to my graduation. He doesn't care where I went to college. I'm supposed to forgive him? HOW?"

After a block of silence, they stopped at a light and Phoebe looked over at him. "Well, your mom loved him. She probably really didn't want to divorce him, then after the divorce, he left her and her _son_. You know your mom loves you more than anything, right? She's been hurt by this too. It's not just you."

Ralphie hated that everyone he talked to today was right except him.

"And it's probably hurting her that you're hurting so much about it."

"You're right; she's right." Ralphie sighed. "I just don't think I'll ever be able to go to a Mets game with him like nothing ever happened."

Under normal circumstances, Phoebe would have asked if Ralphie would be able to go to a Mets game and enjoy it anyway.

"Which I would only enjoy if the Mets lost anyway." Ralphie tried smiling a bit. It almost worked. "But still."

They rode a couple more blocks in silence before Phoebe started talking. "I don't think you have to be on good terms with him. You just have to be able to forgive what he did so you can get past it. It's for you, not for him."

"It's hard for me to not take it personally, you know?" Ralphie wondered why he apparently had little control over his inner monologue. He blamed Phoebe and her accepting silences. He knew she got people to talk by not asking questions – something Keesha hadn't figured out yet. Keesha threw questions at him like she was the Spanish Inquisition or something. He knew how to dodge Keesha's questions if he wasn't ready to discuss something yet, but it took stamina to be okay with Phoebe's awkward silences.

"You think he left because of _you_?" Phoebe almost laughed. "You realize you have seven best friends who think you're great, a girlfriend who thinks you're amazing, a mother who'd move heaven and earth for you, and you're worried because one guy might have been freaked out that the hook up he had in 1983 turned into a _human being_? Maybe he was afraid of being a father to you. I bet it was less about you and more about him."

Ralphie didn't tell her that he was afraid of disappointing his father. He was afraid he'd driven him away for good. Instead he was quiet, and Phoebe's technique worked just as well against her as it did on everyone else.

"Ralphie – not everyone could recover from your injury the way you did. You're doing excellently in college instead of dwelling on the football career you could have had. Things with Keesha are going well."

"I sing good falsetto." Ralphie tried smiling.

"You have a gift." Phoebe said emphatically.

"You say that about Wanda's scheming."

"It's a gift!" She cried.

"And about Carlos's ability to find the single worst possible pun for a situation."

Phoebe shrugged weakly. "He has a gift. What can I say?"

"So I'm not sure having 'a gift' is a good thing." Ralphie was smiling this time. "Why have we passed the McDonald's three times?"

"Because you weren't done yet." Phoebe explained.

"Thanks." Ralphie felt slightly more in control as Phoebe parked the van.

"Are you going to go to therapy?"

"Probably. I guess."

"Are you going to tell Keesha?"

"Yeah." Ralphie shrugged.

"Tell her. She'll be supportive."

"And she's not going to be mad that we just circled the McDonald's so we could have more time to talk?"

Phoebe laughed. "Ralphie, you're with me. It's not like you were hanging out with some hot girl that you like."

Ralphie laughed.

"But still – tell her about this. Tell her everything."

"Fine."

* * *

**later that night, at Keesha's house**

"Wait, so you unloaded all your emotional baggage on Phoebe?" Keesha asked.

Ralphie nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your girlfriend. You can tell me these things!"

Ralphie had to take time to consider his answer. "This is going to sound dumb." Keesha looked at him expectantly. "Okay, fine. I guess I'm afraid that if you knew this stuff, you'd reject me. Or something. I don't know. I have issues."

"I know you have issues. I was your friend when your dad left, remember? I saw your issues _happen_. If I abandoned you, I would have done it before."

"I told you that you'd think it was dumb."

Keesha sighed. "Look, it just weirds me out that you were comfortable telling Phoebe and not me."

"I told you, though."

"But you told her first."

"She just happened to get there after my mom decided to have another earth-shattering birthday conversation with me."

Keesha still looked hurt. "Why didn't you call me?"

"I don't know." Ralphie said sadly. "Phoebe's just a friend. You mean more to me anyway. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Keesha hugged him. "I don't know what I'd do without you either. You can tell me these things. We can work through this stuff." She was surprised at how jealous she got at Phoebe, of all people. She knew Phoebe would never do anything to hurt her best friend, but she was still a bit insecure that Ralphie wouldn't accidentally ruin everything, and she hated feeling that way. Why couldn't she trust him?

"So I'm going to go to therapy, I guess."

"That's probably good." Keesha put her forehead against his. "I wish we didn't go to college across the state from each other."

"Me too." Ralphie said.

* * *

**The next day  
****en route to Tim's house**

Phoebe picked up Carlos on her way to Tim's. Carlos's parents had tried to give him a beat-up old car they dubbed the Ramonster, but he refused to drive it, instead always getting rides from other members of the gang. When he heard a pair of short beeps, he ran out the door before his parents could say anything.

"Hi!" Phoebe said.

"Hi." Carlos said glumly. He buckled up and stared out the window.

"What's going on?" Phoebe asked.

"You're going to think I'm a terrible person."

_What is with this van? _Phoebe wondered. "Probably not. Why?"

Carlos thought for a second. He had to make sure he didn't sound like a total jerk. Phoebe didn't say anything, and Carlos hated silence. He started talking before they'd gone a block.

"I don't want to go to Tim's house. I'm kind of sick of Tim."

"Well you two are roommates," Phoebe interjected before Carlos interrupted her train of thought.

"And I thought we were friends, but we have practically nothing in common. He doesn't like Steve Martin. How am I supposed to live with someone with no sense of humor?"

Phoebe paused thoughtfully. "Are you sure you're not just singing the dentist song over and over again?"

"Maybe." Carlos shrugged. "But it's hilarious."

"Just because you think something's hilarious doesn't mean everyone does. You have a tendency to fixate on things and repeat them."

"Because there's humor in repetition." This was obvious. "Look at Monty Python!"

"But it can irritate people." Phoebe said gently but firmly.

Carlos sighed. "So I need new jokes. Story of my life."

"I'm sure you and Tim can find something you have in common. You've been friends for over ten years!"

"But we're not tight." Carlos said.

"Give it time. I bet you two will be inseparable soon!"

"But how?" Carlos wondered. "Tim never got into crazy antics the way Ralphie does, he puts up with my crap more than Arnold does, and he's not magnetically attracted to me like DA was…"

"Tim's different." Phoebe explained before Carlos could explain the special bonds he apparently shared with the rest of the girls. "He'll put up with you talking about the Eagles, but he's much more into movies."

"How do you know all this stuff about everyone?" Carlos asked.

"I don't know - I pay attention. And I remember things." Phoebe shrugged.

"Why have we passed Tim's house twice?"

"Because you weren't done." _What is it with this van?_

"Thanks, Pheebs."

"You're welcome." She parked the van and smiled.

"Why are you so wise beyond your years?" Carlos put a hand on Phoebe's face.

"I told you. I listen to people."

"You're golden, Pheebs."

"Please take your hand off my face."

* * *

**later that day**

**at Tim's house**

The gang had spent the day sledding, watching movies, and hanging out. Phoebe managed to pull Arnold aside.

"I have something weird to tell you." She said.

"What?" Arnold asked warily.

"Over the last two days, I've had to give two of the guys rides by themselves, and they both started unloading their problems on me. Is that weird?"

"I don't know," Arnold was wondering why this was weird. Everyone knew Phoebe was a good listener - especially when she was driving you somewhere and was a captive audience. She often sat there in silence, which usually forced the other person to talk. It was either brilliantly evil or accidentally evil. "Who was it?"

"Ralphie and Carlos."

"Ralphie's was about his dad, right?" Again, everyone knew Ralphie had issues with his father. Well, Arnold probably knew more than most, since he got to listen to Ralphie rage and whine all the time in Pittsburgh.

"I - wonder if I should even talk about this." Phoebe knew therapists had confidentiality agreements, and wondered if this should apply to her.

"You're too good." Arnold smiled. "Give me a ride home?"

"Fine, but you have to tell me your problems before we get in the van." Phoebe negotiated. "I don't know that I can handle another mopey guy in the front seat."

Arnold tried thinking about his problems. "I finished _A Game of Thrones _and I need the second book. I hated the engineering classes I took because my parents made me. I really liked my philosophy class and I can feel my parents wanting to kill me for thinking it. My girlfriend lives across the state. You already know all my problems."

"I think you should change your major." Phoebe said. "You've been talking about being a lawyer since third grade."

"I know." Arnold sighed. "But apparently – I don't know."

Phoebe didn't say anything.

"Dammit, Phoebe." Arnold laughed. "Why don't you ask questions?"

"I'm giving people a chance to talk for once." She shrugged.

* * *

**meanwhile, somewhere else in Tim's house…**

Carlos was back to his default team-builder: telling jokes. Ralphie was looking sullen, so Carlos had brought out the big guns and asked for Wanda's favorite joke.

"Knock knock," Wanda said.

"Who's there?" Carlos asked. Wanda hit him across the face.

"WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!" She laughed.

"You missed the part about the KGB." DA pointed out.

"It's still funny." Carlos shrugged. "Why, DA, you think you have a better joke?"

"Well!" DA's face brightened. "A chemist and a physicist walk into a bar…"

"This sounds awful." Carlos whined.

"The chemist says, 'I'll have H20,'" DA continued, "And the physicist, trying to impress the chemist, says, 'I'll have H20 too!' When the waiter brought it out, the physicist drank it and died." Carlos and DA laughed, with Ralphie following a moment later. Wanda, Keesha, and Tim looked at each other and shrugged. Ralphie looked sheepishly at Keesha. The last thing they needed was something else, no matter how dumb, to come between them.

"Why?" Wanda asked. She saw that Ralphie and Keesha were having some sort of drama. This was yet another reason why she wasn't going to date anyone. Especially not anyone from the group – she'd avoid drama while also dooming DA's theory. It was the perfect plan.

"H202 is hydrogen peroxide. It's a poison," DA explained.

"Good one, DA!" Carlos high-fived her. DA grinned. She liked it when others appreciated her chemistry humor.

"But why wouldn't the chemist warn the physicist that he was about to die?" Tim asked. "That seems a little evil, don't you think?"

"It's a _joke_, Tim." DA said a bit more harshly than she expected. Tim was hurt. He'd half-hoped that he and DA could – well, he wasn't exactly sure. She was so bent on being scholarly. She'd made it clear she had no time for him. Ugh. Feelings were stupid.

"Tell your joke, Tim," Carlos said, thinking of ways he could be a better friend to his roommate.

"Your mama's so classless; she could be a Marxist utopia." Tim said.

"That's – actually pretty good." Carlos laughed. Tim smiled at him. Maybe being roommates with Carlos wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

**author's note: **hooray for ending it on a higher note than it began! Coming up next: the end of freshman year. Will the gang survive? Will they be consumed by drama and sadness? What about the rogue Janet wandering around?

Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	7. distractions

**chapter 6: distractions**

**January 13, 2003  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

Analytical chemistry was the perfect major. Now that her generals were out of her way, DA had to take nothing but chemistry and math, spending her time researching and analyzing compounds. She wasn't sure exactly what that would look like after she got her PhD, but she could definitely see herself paying attention to tiny details affecting chemical structure and experiments for years. Her professors seemed to recognize her natural talent and her long hours studying in the library were paying off, even if her advisor was slightly pessimistic about the job market for independent researchers. DA didn't want to sell out and she didn't want to teach, but she was talented and hardworking. She'd find something.

Of course, she did allow herself to get distracted by a few things – like the book she'd borrowed from Arnold. The political intrigue was fascinating, even though Carlos had already told her the big twist. She handed it back to Arnold. "So who ends up on the throne?"

"I'm reading the second book." He explained. "No change yet."

"Should he be hearing this?" DA asked, indicating Ralphie with her head.

"I know everything." Ralphie shrugged.

"Read it." Arnold handed him the book. "I'm requiring it to be my roommate." Carlos had told Arnold about setting required reading for Tim. If requiring reading had worked on Tim, it'd definitely work on Ralphie.

"Fine." Ralphie sighed.

"Well it's time for lab!" DA exclaimed.

"Chemistry makes you way too happy." Ralphie shook his head. "I'm dreading O chem."

"It's not that bad," She shrugged and walked away. Lab was her favorite, because – well, she had to admit, the chemistry TA in her section was very good looking. And smart. And good looking. He recognized and appreciated her intelligence – and possibly her beauty as well. They'd had several flirty exchanges last semester that left her feeling flattered that a graduate student would take an interest in her. She may or may not have picked this section on purpose.

"Hey, if it isn't Dorothy Ann!" He drawled. Also he was from the South. DA's weakness for Southern accents had apparently come from her father. Her mom had been from Alabama and had come to St. Paul for a seminar when she'd bewitched DA's father with her soft, feminine ways. DA had tried forbidding herself to have romantic feelings, but that was difficult when Troy from Texas was around. He was the perfect mix of rugged cowboy and brilliant chemist. He was her perfect man.

"Hey, Troy," She blushed. She was sure he'd ask her out, if he weren't her TA. "How's your research coming?"

"Great, as always," he grinned.

_Damn that theory._ DA thought as she noted how perfect Troy's teeth were. She had to figure out what sections he was teaching next year so she could not take them, as horrible as that seemed. She needed a hobby that didn't involve chemistry grad students. If she dated Troy, she'd be wrong. She thought it could be worth it if she ever heard the end of it from Wanda.

"You know, we need work study students in the lab," Troy said quietly as he pulled her aside. "We could really use you."

"I don't know if that's a good idea." DA tried.

"Why not? You're probably the best freshman chemistry major we've ever seen! Besides, you'd get some hands-on experience with research. You do want to go into research, don't you? This will look great on a grad school application." DA couldn't help it. He was gorgeous and brilliant, and he needed her help.

"That sounds great." DA breathed.

* * *

**February 10, 2003  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Have you been seeing your therapist?" Keesha asked.

"Yes, jeez." Ralphie was rolling his eyes, she could tell, even over the phone. Phoebe was wrong about his gift – the falsetto was weird. Eye rolling was what Ralphie was strangely gifted at.

"And?"

"And… it's… fine?"

"You're going to have to tell me more than that." Keesha was exasperated. "You don't seem to have a problem telling Arnold things. Or DA. Or Phoebe, for that matter."

"God, Keesha! Can you let it go? I explained it already. I said I was sorry."

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?"

"Look – DA is _here_, that's it. They were here hanging out when I came back from my session, so I told them about it. That's all, okay?" Ralphie was just as frustrated as Keesha. "And you know I'm going to tell Arnold things. We've known each other longer than I've known you."

Keesha bit her lip. This wasn't going well. Things had sucked ever since Ralphie had decided that everyone except Keesha was his amateur therapist. Keesha had tried not being jealous. Phoebe had reassured her that nothing had happened on Ralphie's birthday – nothing would ever happen. Keesha couldn't help it, though, and now Ralphie was 300 miles away, but a floor away from DA, who was so gorgeous and blonde… She loved Ralphie, but hated who she was becoming.

"Let's just – let's not talk about it." She said.

"Okay."

"How's class?"

"Fine, I guess." He waited a second. "I, uh… am liking physiology."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"I actually have a stats project…" It had never been this difficult to talk to him before.

"Yeah, I should go. I've got a paper to write."

"Okay. Love you." Keesha sighed.

"Love you too."

* * *

**February 15, 2003  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda had the odd experience of being immersed in a business proposal for hours and the time flying by. She enjoyed it more than she ever imagined. She was easily the star of her marketing class. It made sense – she was a natural hype woman. She just had to get through accounting classes, meet a hot business guy that also surfed, pass college, marry the guy, get rich, throw it all in DA's face, and she'd be golden. She took a quick break from her homework and noticed that Phoebe was online. Being Wanda, she dispensed with pleasantries and got to the point.

**Wanda**: Yo Pheebs, you should mail me that book

**Phoebe**: You want to read it?

**Wanda**: MAIL ME THE BOOK! I hate being left out!

**Phoebe**: I wish you didn't live in California.

**Wanda**: Awesome people live in California. We should all live in California.

**Phoebe**: Arnold likes the winter too much.

**Wanda**: MAIL ME THE BOOK!

**Phoebe**: I need to get it back from DA. Arnold lent it to her.

**Wanda**: MAKE HER MAIL ME THE BOOK!

**Wanda**: Did you know that Ralphie wears hospital socks?

**Phoebe**: What? How would I know that?

**Wanda**: Arnold doesn't tell you these things?

**Phoebe**: No, Arnold doesn't tell me things like what his roommate has on his feet. He tells me important things.

**Wanda**: Like what? Like he wishes you were banging?

**Wanda**: …

**Wanda**: ARE YOU THERE?

**Wanda**: did you die from embarrassment? Was it that easy?

**Phoebe**: I had to go to the bathroom.

**Wanda**: Oh. Well I have to finish off this project.

**Phoebe**: What project?

**Wanda**: I have a project for my business class. I actually like this business stuff. Tiffany was a genius for recommending this to me.

**Phoebe**: so are you changing your major?

**Wanda**: Yeah. There was no hilarious goats video in psych. Why did you all lie to me?

* * *

**March 4, 2003  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"So why are you studying chemistry then?" Tim wondered.

"I don't know, biology just seems overdone." Carlos shrugged. "Everyone who's pre-med or pre-dent or pre-vet goes into biology. It makes the curve practically impossible, because everyone's an overachiever."

"Is it because DA is studying chemistry?" Fortunately, the guys had found enough common ground with Marxist yo mama jokes and Dave Matthews Band concerts playing late at night on the college's free cable that Tim felt comfortable bringing up DA – the subject in which they had most in common.

Carlos shrugged again. "Maybe. I'm better at chemistry than she is anyway."

"Bullshit." Tim laughed. "DA knows everything."

"She just _thinks_ she knows everything." Carlos said. "She's talented, but I work harder."

"Because you have to catch up."

"You still have a thing for her." Carlos observed. He was brilliant. Keesha could take her psychology major and shove it.

"I guess." Tim looked at Carlos to see if he'd pull a Phoebe, but Carlos couldn't be quiet for more than a few seconds at a time.

"Whatever, man. Go for it if you get a chance. I don't care." Carlos lied. Fighting over a girl was the best way to ruin his new best friendship.

"But you do care." Tim was smarter than Carlos had thought. "Look, she doesn't like me. She doesn't have time for anyone – she says. So I'm just going to move on. There's this girl in my experimental chemistry class –" he started.

"Experimental chemistry? That sounds hot."

"I think she's going into civil engineering, too…" Tim continued.

"So she's the one girl in the engineering department." Carlos joked.

"No!" Tim retorted. "There's more than one."

"Five?"

"Closer." He shrugged.

"Why'd you choose engineering if you wanted to meet girls?" Carlos asked. Tim wondered the same thing.

* * *

**March 10, 2003  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Phoebe was always extra-careful as she went in and out of her room. Janet lived nearby, but she'd never figured out exactly where. She could be anywhere at any time, and Phoebe couldn't afford to have Janet hate her even more than she already did, not with how serious things were with Arnold. So as she pulled her reflective jacket on early in the morning to go for a run, she was doing everything as quietly as she had perfected over the last several months. She shut the door nearly silently and stepped out into the hall when she heard a voice behind her.

"What are you doing up so early?" Janet asked. She was wearing workout clothes as well, and had a bag over her shoulder.

"Um… running?" Phoebe tried to sound sure of herself. It rarely worked when she was thinking about it.

"From what?" Janet prodded.

Phoebe didn't have a good answer for that. "I just felt like running." She'd run cross country in high school and had been in the paper a few times – usually for stuff like tripping into the mud and getting spiked in the head before getting up to finish the race, but still, she was in the paper. She hadn't been good enough for college, but still ran a decent amount to keep stress and the unlimited mashed potatoes in the dining hall at bay. She couldn't let Janet push her buttons. She tried to remember how Arnold had acted during senior year of high school. He hadn't put up with her. Phoebe knew she had to ask, "What are you doing up early anyway?"

"Yoga." Janet held up her mat. "Obviously."

"Right." Phoebe looked at her watch. Her attempt at trying to be authoritative had flopped again. Running into Janet made her anxious, which made her wish she had time for a longer run, which made her wonder why she was stuck talking to Janet, getting more anxious.

"You're still dating my cousin?" Janet asked. She could tell Phoebe was getting antsy, which was making her uncomfortable, which was amusing. It would be worth missing yoga to see this.

"Um… yeah." Phoebe took a single deep breath.

"And how is that going?"

"Fine." Phoebe began fidgeting with the zipper on her jacket.

"You two are serious then?"

"I guess."

Janet searched for another topic of conversation. She needed to keep Phoebe there, if only to be contrary. "What's your major again?"

"Biology. Animal biology."

"So zoology then?"

"Well, not technically. Technically it's just biology with an animal biology emphasis."

"What are you going to do with that?" Janet had a feeling she knew, but still.

"Vet school." Phoebe realized she was being detained, and all she could do was be polite. "What are you studying?"

"Political science." Janet said proudly. She normally enjoyed talking about herself, but Phoebe looked less uncomfortable when the tables were turned. "I'm going to go to an Ivy League law school."

"That sounds great." Phoebe looked at her watch again. "I should be –"

"Where are you applying to vet school?"

"Franklin University. Arnold is looking at grad school there too." Phoebe explained.

"So you'll be together again in grad school. How sweet." Janet said sarcastically. "Franklin's Ivy League. What if you don't get in?"

"I know what I have to do." Phoebe said.

"And what if Arnold doesn't get in?"

"He'll get in." Phoebe said more firmly. She needed to end this conversation. "I really have to go - don't you have class?"

"It's not for credit." Janet shrugged. "I just thought we could get to know each other better."

"Um, well… it's good to talk to you. I have to run." Phoebe said and started walking past Janet, toward the stairwell. It felt liberating to just walk away. _Carlos would have appreciated that pun_, she thought, grateful for her mind wandering to something less anxiety-producing. Soon, she'd be in the park and all her cares would melt away. She just had to get down these stairs…

"But - wait! How are you and Arnold getting along when you're across the state from each other?" Janet called.

Phoebe turned around and said, "Fine," in a low voice, then made a point of looking around. It was before 6 am, and anyone could complain about noise in the hall. "See you around." She whispered. She looked at her watch again. If she cut her shower short, she could tack on an extra mile or two to process through what just happened.

* * *

**March 14, 2003  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"Pre-law isn't a major, Arnold!" Mr. Perlstein argued. "I thought you were going to go into engineering. It's the most logical thing you could do with your rock obsession."

Environmental engineering had seemed like a good solution, except that Arnold hated it. It was so cold and analytical. He cared more about helping people by talking to them than by managing sewers. Tim was enjoying his engineering classes, so Arnold knew it was a personal problem rather than an engineering problem. He was afraid of telling his father what his favorite course had been the previous semester: the class about logic and arguments. His parents would freak because it was a philosophy class. He'd be able to hear their dreams dying from Pittsburgh.

"I can figure out a major. I just know I want to go to law school."

"And be a _lawyer_?" His father spat. "Like your aunt Rachel?"

"A LAWYER?" His mother echoed.

"You know, most parents think it's a noble profession. I could be a force for good."

"Engineering is more in line with your interests." Mr. Perlstein said. "And law school is prohibitively expensive."

"Thanks, Dad." Arnold sighed.

"Fine, it's your life. It's your money, son."

"I know."

"And we'll love you no matter what."

"I love you too."

"But you won't be able to live at home if you can't find a job."

"Okay." Arnold shrugged. He could always crash on Ralphie's couch.

* * *

**March 20, 2003  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

Carlos loved riling people up, so when he saw that Wanda was online, he made sure to put the best spoiler as his name and said hello.

**Wanda wants to read the stupid book**: so DA gave the book to Ralphie instead of me

**Ned Stark gets beheaded**: that loser!

**Wanda**: What does your name mean?

**Ned**: You need to read the book. Have you tried the library?

**Wanda**: When I can get someone to do the work for me? Are you kidding?

**Ned**: I'm so glad you're in California and not cheating off my homework.

**Wanda**: I like to get things right, loser.

**Ned**: I'm smarter than everyone gives me credit for

**Wanda**: only a little. So tell me something embarrassing about Tim.

**Ned**: why?

**Wanda**: because I can't find out myself. Does he have Superman underwear or something?

**Tim wears Superman underwear**: no.

**Wanda**: your name is incredibly confusing.

**Tim**: No it isn't.

**Tim**: I'm not going to embarrass him. We're friends.

**Wanda**: I think you're confused.

**Tim**: About?

**Wanda**: Life.

**Carlos is the best**: better?

**Wanda**: better if you change that to be Tim's name.

Carlos ran to Tim's computer and opened it up. It wasn't unlocked. Perfect.

**Carlos is the best**: Like this?

**Wanda**: now there are two of you.

**Carlos**: Your dreams have come true.

**Wanda**: my nightmares.

"What the hell are you doing at my computer?" Tim asked.

Carlos looked around. "Nothing…"

"Seriously, get away from there!" Tim said angrily.

"Sorry! It was a joke!"

Tim looked at the screen. "This is all you did?"

"Yes!" Carlos had his hands up.

"Seriously, don't get on my computer when I'm not here."

"Why, do you have secret documents or something on there?" Carlos tried joking.

"Just leave my stuff alone, okay?"

* * *

**March 23, 2003  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

Arnold was studying in the library, leaving Ralphie alone in their room. It was time. He knew it. His therapist knew it. Everyone knew it except one person. Ralphie could feel his stomach convulsing and his palms sweat as he dialed. "Hey, Keesha, can we talk?"

"Okay…" She knew something was up. He just had to say it and get it over with.

"I… uh…" Why did words always fail him when he needed them not to?

"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay." He couldn't dodge questions any longer. "We're not okay, Keesha."

"I know." She sounded sad.

"And it's not working. I wish it was – but it's not. It's just too hard, Keesha, and I'm going through all this shit with my dad and –"

"Wait – what? Ralphie, do you know what day it is?"

"No…"

"It's a year since we went to prom."

"Shit." Ralphie said. "I'm shit with dates."

"Fine, whatever." Keesha huffed. "So we're over?"

"Yeah." He could feel himself shaking a bit. This sucked. This sucked worse than his knee getting blown out. There was nothing to say. "Sorry."

"I know." She hung up. Ralphie threw himself face-down on the bed and yelled swear words, hoping that would help. It didn't. Nothing helped.

After some time, Arnold came in. "What happened?"

"I'm an asshole." Ralphie said.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

Keesha was sobbing on her bed when Phoebe came back from mass.

"What happened?" Phoebe gasped as the door closed. She was afraid of what would come next – Keesha's grandma had been doing just fine lately, and…

"Ralphie just dumped me. On our anniversary."

"NO!"

"What an asshole." She sobbed, sitting up.

"Oh, Keesha!" Phoebe sat on the bed next to her and hugged her. "I'm so sorry."

"I should've seen it coming. We haven't been the same since –"

"Oh God. I ruined your relationship." Phoebe's eyes widened.

"No," Keesha sniffled. "I did. I got jealous. And Ralphie has his daddy issues to work out… it's for the best, I guess. But he's an asshole to dump me on our anniversary."

"That's terrible." Phoebe felt sympathy tears welling up.

"Can we get some ice cream?" Keesha suggested. She needed to get out of this room, even if it was just for a quick run to the store.

Phoebe nodded. "My treat."

Keesha stopped crying for a while at the store. They got back to the dorm and consumed the ice cream and listened to all the Alanis Morissette that Keesha had.

Phoebe felt useless. There was nothing she could do. "What can I do to help you?" She asked.

Keesha shrugged. "The ice cream was good. I'm not over it. I don't know what I'll say when I see him this summer."

Phoebe nodded.

"If I saw him right now, I'd probably punch him in the face."

Phoebe nodded again.

"Dammit, Phoebe, say something."

Phoebe didn't really have anything to say. She was wondering how this would affect her hanging out with Arnold this summer. Keesha had been less patient with boyfriend stuff before she was dating Ralphie, and the two sets of best friends dating each other had made things blissfully easy. "I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Me too." Keesha stared out the window. "Maybe I should read that book everyone's talking about."

"YES." Phoebe said. "You need to read it."

"Now I have time."

"Just don't talk to Carlos."

"Oh, he's been putting spoilers as his IM screen name."

"I need to forbid him from reading the third book." Phoebe noted. "Not until you all finish it."

"It's that good, huh?" Keesha was willing to give it a shot. "It'll give me something to talk to Ralphie about besides him being an asshole."

"But if the theory's right, he's got to stop being an asshole, because we all have to stay friends."

"You mean like how DA and Carlos are so tight after they broke up?" Keesha laughed. "It's going to be a while before I can hang out with Ralphie again."

Phoebe hated that Keesha said that. This summer would be tricky. Maybe re-reading _A Game of Thrones_ would help her navigate it.

"Maybe DA will come hang out with us for Spring Break." Keesha wondered out loud. "I haven't heard from her in a while. Mind if I give her a call?"

"Go for it." Phoebe shrugged.

"Yo, DA!" Keesha said, putting DA on speakerphone.

"What's going on?" DA asked. She sounded distracted.

"Want to come to Philly for Spring Break?"

"You want to get the gang back together again?"

"Yeah! Well – no. Just you. And Wanda, if she weren't in stupid California."

"Why not the guys?"

"Ralphie just dumped me." Keesha said.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Is this a bad time?" Phoebe asked.

"Oh, hi Phoebe – um, yeah. I'm – uh – studying."

"What's going on?" A male voice asked on the line with DA. Keesha and Phoebe exchanged a look.

"Um sure I'll come up for Spring Break I'll IM you later gotta go bye." DA said quickly before hanging up.

"Well, that was weird." Phoebe said.

* * *

**meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…**

DA left the bathroom in her dorm. She hadn't closed the door when she was talking on the phone. Troy was exactly how and where she'd left him – looking a bit rumpled and on her bed. This was very good and very bad. This could ruin her academic future, or it could be the beginning of something amazing. DA was letting herself get too distracted by Troy and that dang book, which is why, as Troy kissed her, all she could think was, "The things I do for love…"

* * *

**author's note**: well, that was depressing.

"I just felt like running" is, of course, from _Forrest Gump_.

"The things I do for love" is from _A Game of Thrones_. DA is not Jaime Lannister, don't worry. Troy isn't related to her at all.

Is dreamboat Troy going to screw up the theory? Will DA come to her right mind? Is Keesha going to punch Ralphie when they next see each other? Will Tim meet a girl in his engineering class? Will Carlos tell a funny joke so the next chapter won't be a total downer? Will Phoebe run back and forth across the country for three years? There are so many questions!

Up next: half of sophomore year, character discussions in _A Song of Ice and Fire_, more drama, shirtless pirates, and noise complaints.


	8. unraveling

**author's note:** More spoilers are ahead, through _A Clash of Kings_ or season 2 of _Game of Thrones_. There's an inferred spoiler for _A Storm of Swords_/season 3 of _Game of Thrones_ as well.

* * *

**chapter 7: unraveling**

**March 30, 2003  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

DA had briefly considered blowing off her trip to Philly. Her night with Troy had been divine. Unfortunately, it would get them both dismissed from the lab if they were caught. Troy wouldn't look at her in public, in case someone would find out. After their indiscretion, Troy had called it off. There was no way his advisor could find out; he'd be kicked out of his program. DA knew that her chances at the combined bachelor's/master's program would be shot if _her_ advisor found out. How could she have been so stupid?

It hadn't even taken her one year of college to potentially dash her dreams. It was all because she let herself get distracted. As long as no one found out, she'd still be able to take graduate level courses starting next year. She'd graduate a year behind the rest of her friends, but she'd have two degrees. She resolved to stop reading those damn fantasy books and talking to guys – except _the _guys. Ralphie was kind of adorable in his vulnerable emotional turmoil. _Dammit_, DA thought. _What is wrong with me? _She had to figure out a way to balance her apparent need for companionship with her actual need to be a credentialed genius.

Spring break with Keesha and Phoebe is what she needed. She'd get all the non-essentials out of her mind, then go back to school with renewed focus. She'd forget about Troy and everything that happened. She had made a mistake, but even geniuses made mistakes.

It was interesting to see Keesha and Phoebe's hall – and the way Phoebe tiptoed around Janet. The girls watched movies and talked about everything, except Troy. It was like high school again. DA knew Phoebe would talk to Arnold, who'd talk to Ralphie, who was taking chemistry courses and couldn't keep a secret to save his life. It was too risky. With that notable exception, it was refreshing – exactly what DA needed to get her ready for her final stretch of freshman year.

* * *

**May 6, 2003  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

Finals were brutal. Tim and Carlos hadn't had time to play Halo, which was way better than GoldenEye, and not just because Carlos had new and exciting hiding spots. Before they knew it, their first year of college was almost over and they had time to discuss _A Song of Ice and Fire_. Everyone but Wanda had made it through the second book. DA had made a huge point of going on hiatus around spring break, but she eventually caved when Arnold and Ralphie wouldn't stop talking about it.

"I told you college wasn't going to be that bad." Carlos shrugged.

"You were a total idiot about it, though." Tim retorted. "You couldn't find half of your classes consistently until midterms."

"I have four years to find my way around this place. There's no rush. Campus is big." Carlos admitted. He hated these conversations with Tim that could turn ugly. He liked it a lot better when they were best friends. After all, Tim was the only one that knew that Carlos had to get contacts, and Carlos was the only one that could now recognize Tim's smaller depressive episodes. Carlos had to change the subject. "So, in more important things: Ralphie is the gay king. With the flowers."

"So Ralphie is Renly Baratheon and Arnold's the Knight of Flowers?" Tim laughed. He remembered the story's details more easily than Carlos did. "Ralphie could totally be a Baratheon."

"And he's totally gay for Arnold." Carlos said, then revised the statement: "They're gay for each other."

"Phoebe's probably Sansa." Tim continued, and Carlos nodded vigorously. "What with her idealism and obsessing over everyone getting married."

"Wanda's a wildling." Carlos said. "Or that one perverted chick that hit on her brother. Wanda's pervy like that. The pirate one."

"Asha Greyjoy." Tim laughed. "DA looks like a Lannister…"

"She's probably one of those maester guys." Carlos said. "Or she's that one fat guy that was supposed to be a warrior but loved to read and dance and shit."

"Samwell Tarly?" Tim asked. "You're making DA a fat guy?"

"Why not?" Carlos shrugged.

"She's much more like … I don't know, a girl. She likes being right, like Cersei, but she's much less evil. And she's not tough enough to be Brienne of Tarth… she could be that Margaery chick."

"So she marries Gay Baratheon?" Carlos laughed. "Poor DA. Then again, marrying Ralphie would probably be just about as pointless."

"You're probably Tyrion – because you're short and ugly and you'd need to pay women to sleep with you." Tim chided.

"Shut up. You're boring and asexual. Like Stannis." Before Tim could argue, Carlos sat at Tim's computer and changed his IM display name to _Stannis Baratheon, First of His Name, Boring as Hell and "King" of Westeros_. Tim had gotten somewhat used to Carlos invading his privacy, and had figured that if he couldn't beat him, he'd join him. Tim changed Carlos's display name to _Tyrion Whoresbane, Disfigured Dwarf and Spoiler of Books_.

"Stannis the Boring, Arnold wants to talk to you."

"Move over," Tim pushed Carlos out of his desk chair. Carlos often wreaked havoc on IM by pretending he was other members of the gang.

**Arnold: **That is the best thing I've seen all day.

**Stannis: **btw, you're the Knight of Flowers

**Stannis**: and Ralphie is Gay Baratheon.

**Arnold**: Are you kidding? Although I'm definitely an awesome fighter, like Loras, Ralphie's Jon Snow for the daddy issues alone.

**Stannis**: I command you to change your screen names.

**Arnold**: I have a final though. I need to go.

**Stannis**: DO IT!

On Tim's insistence, Carlos opened a window to Arnold.

**Tyrion**: DO IT!

**Arnold**: What?

**Robb Stark, King in the North, Hero of the Whole Series, and Acer of Finals**: This?

**Tyrion**: DAMMIT ARNOLD.

Phoebe got online and Carlos didn't waste any time IMing her.

**Tyrion**: Sansa, annoying teenage girl who's obsessed with everyone getting married, change your screen name!

**Phoebe**: I am so glad you all read the books! Now you'll understand what I'm talking about. Except you can't read the third book until everyone's done.

**Tyrion**: But I want to!

**Phoebe**: Valar morghulis, Carlos.

**Tyrion**: What does that even mean?

**Phoebe**: All men must die. I have Wanda and Keesha on my side. You don't want to make them angry.

**Tyrion**: Fine.

**Phoebe**: Interesting that you decided you're Tyrion…

**Tyrion**: Tim and I decided you're Sansa. So you're Arnold's sister. Maybe you are Jaime and Cersei, my douchebag siblings who bang, yet make fun of me when I'm obviously cooler than you.

**Jeyne Westerling (you'll get it later)**: not his sister.

Meanwhile, Tim was working on Wanda.

**Wanda**: HELL NO I AM THE DRAGON LADY

**DRAGON LADY, BITCHES**: SEE?!

**Stannis**: She has a name.

**Khaleesi the Dragon Lady**: Better?

**Stannis**: *sigh*

Another window popped up.

**Renly the Gay Baratheon, Who Was Too Lame to Live through the Second Book**: Yo big brother, I bang dudes

**Stannis**: Wait… Ralphie?

**Renly**: Nope, Carlos. Ralphie's password is really easy to guess.

**Stannis**: You know he's going to kill you.

**Renly**: Nah, Ralphie's all talk.

**Stannis**: You know he's going to have Arnold kill you.

**Renly**: that is a distinct possibility.

* * *

**August 9, 2003  
****Walker Lake  
****Walkerville, PA**

Summer in Walkerville was different than the last summer had been. The gang was used to independence, and the events of the last year had made being together again a little bizarre. Keesha had steeled herself for her first interaction with Ralphie, when the gang picked Wanda up at the airport. Ralphie had avoided her, so she went up to him. "Let's not make this awkward. It's good to see you again." She said frankly.

"It's good to see you too." Ralphie had said, hoping she wasn't going to punch him in the face. She never did. She hugged him quickly. It was only mildly terrible.

Phoebe and Arnold had bonded over being the first ones to read _A Storm of Swords_, although it made Arnold regret his screen name, which he changed to just "Robb Stark." Phoebe despaired that her copy of _A Game of Thrones_ hadn't made it back entirely in one piece or without smelling bad, but she figured she'd buy the gang their own copies of the books for their birthdays or something.

They were having a bonfire at Walker Lake before Keesha and Phoebe had to leave for RA training. Arnold and Phoebe were sitting on a rock overlooking the lake, away from the group. It was hard to be alone when they were staying at their parents' houses or cramming as much time as a group together as they could. Things just weren't the same anymore: Wanda and Tiffany had joined a sorority. Tim and Carlos had a bitterly sarcastic rapport which made it look like they hated each other, but it was hard to tell if they really did or not. It seemed they didn't even know. DA was hiding something from everyone. Ralphie was mopey, Keesha was bitter, and it was all Arnold and Phoebe could manage to just be normal. It was the one constant that was left. They were the only couple in the group now, so when they went off alone, they had six people to tease them or otherwise try to interrupt.

"I don't want to go back to school." Phoebe sighed into Arnold's shoulder.

"It seems like every time we talk anymore, it's about how it sucks to be far apart or it's great to be back together." Arnold lamented.

"I know." Phoebe bit her lip. "But this year went by fast. Only a few more until we have grad school. Then we can be together."

Arnold wondered what it would be like to be with Phoebe all the time. It wasn't as exciting to be around her anymore. He loved her; he was just out of the infatuation phase, he told himself. "Carnegie State has a great biology program." Arnold offered. "You could transfer."

"I couldn't do that to Keesha." Phoebe said. "Would you transfer to Conwell?"

"I think Ralphie would spontaneously combust." Arnold said. "Or DA would move in on him, which is crap."

"Wait, what?" Phoebe pulled away. This didn't work with the plan. Ralphie and Keesha would get back together. Everything was supposed to be perfect, like it was at prom.

"DA's advisor is trying to talk her out of grad school, and she's responding by going ever so slightly insane."

"Insane like how?"

"I don't know. Something happened just before spring break. She won't tell anyone." Arnold shrugged. "And apparently Ralphie is like a lost puppy, and she thinks she likes him."

Phoebe furrowed her brow. DA and Ralphie? That was interesting. That would mean Keesha and Wanda would have to divvy up Tim and Carlos, and…

"He made me promise I'd keep him from dating, though." Arnold said.

"Carlos is so going to think you're keeping him for yourself." Phoebe teased.

"Let him think it." Arnold shrugged. "Maybe I would, if I didn't have you."

"Please don't dump me for Ralphie."

"I won't." Arnold said. "He's a mess. You've got things figured out. The baseball thing's about a wash, though. He's not lanky enough. Or… female enough. Or Boston enough."

Phoebe laughed. "That's good to hear."

Meanwhile, Wanda was trying to find things to throw in the fire. She'd been especially entranced in watching the pizza box burn. Napkins were boring, but that's almost all she had left. Wanda was usually incredibly entertaining, but she had something on her mind and was compensating by poking the fire with sticks. This left no alternative for Carlos. He once again tasked himself with breaking the awkward silence of the group. He looked around the fire.

"Yo Ralphie, what's your favorite joke?" Carlos asked.

"You mean besides my life?" He couldn't help remarking.

"Well that was a total downer." Wanda said, throwing in a few leaves.

"Things will get better for you," Tim looked at Ralphie sympathetically.

Keesha cleared her throat. "So, Pavlov walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The phone rings and he says, 'Shit! I forgot to feed my dog!'"

Ralphie laughed. It felt good to laugh. So far the only bright spot this summer was that the Phillies had beaten the Red Sox two games in a row. He'd gone to one of the games with his mom – probably the last game he'd get to see at the Vet before the team got their new ballpark. Phoebe had gone with her dad and aunt, and Ralphie had rubbed it in Phoebe's face so much that Dr. Tennelli told him to cut it out. He'd learned proper trash talking from his mother, so he knew he'd probably gone too far.

"Good one, Keesha!" Carlos grinned.

"Okay." Ralphie took a deep breath. "A guy walks into the New York Public Library and asks for a library card. The librarian tells him to prove he's from New York, so he stabs her."

Tim laughed harder than he wanted to. "That's awful, Ralphie."

"That was violent." Keesha said. She was a bit wary of Ralphie when he was like this. Arnold and Phoebe rejoined the group. Desperate to change the mood, Keesha called to Arnold, "Yo Arnold! What's your favorite joke?"

"A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.'" Arnold grinned. After a moment, Phoebe giggled. The rest of the gang joined in, except Ralphie, who was smiling.

"The monk paid for the hot dog with a $20, and the vendor put the money in the cash box," Ralphie said. "The monk asks, 'Where's my change?' And the vendor replies,"

"'Change comes from within,'" Arnold and Ralphie said at the same time before bursting out into laughter. Wanda threw the bag that had once held the breadsticks in the fire after making sure there was no plastic in it. She'd made that mistake before.

"Okay, Phoebe," Carlos said. "What's your favorite joke?"

Phoebe looked serious. "The Aristocrats." She said. Carlos's eyes widened.

"Do you even _know_ that one?"

"Oh she knows it." Arnold said. "I don't think she should tell it, though. You won't be able to sleep tonight; you'll be too grossed out."

Carlos shuddered. Arnold and Phoebe smiled at each other knowingly.

"Good one," Arnold whispered.

* * *

**August 17, 2003  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

This time, the plane ride was differently sad. Wanda knew what she was getting into by leaving her friends. She vowed that this year would be different. First of all, she wasn't going to be all sappy because her friends sang her some Pat Benetar. Second, she had a major with some major hotties in it. It was time for her to find that surfer boyfriend that was integral to her plan. Passing college was working, thankfully. She and Tiffany were roommates again, this time in a sorority house – so acquiring a new set of best friends, check.

All that was missing was her surfer boyfriend husband and then throwing it all in DA's face. Then she'd be golden.

* * *

**September 28, 2003  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"Goddamn it." Ralphie yelled at the TV in the commons. The Phillies had just finished third place in their division and wouldn't make the playoffs. Again. "Goddamn it." He repeated under his breath.

"At least we finished ahead of the Mets, right?" A female voice asked.

"Yeah," Ralphie turned around. A gorgeous blonde stood behind him. "I'm Ralph."

"Kim," She sat next to him. "You're from Philadelphia?"

She didn't pronounce the city the way everyone else did – she pronounced it like Ralphie and his friends. "Yeah," he shrugged. "Walkerville."

"Ha! That's not Philly, that's Main Line." She shook her head and laughed.

"My mom's from South Philly." Ralphie argued. He didn't want to be written off as some stuck-up suburbanite. "Where are you from, then?"

"Manayunk. What are you studying?"

* * *

**October 16, 2003  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"Why are you so desperate for me to ask her out?" Tim asked. "Is this about DA again?"

"Why do you think everything is about DA?" Carlos argued.

"Because you're not over her – don't lie to me." Tim said. "You think I don't know? You're a terrible liar, Carlos."

"I am not." Carlos wondered why they were roommates again. When they got along well, it was great. When they didn't, it was terrible. "I'm sick of you bitching about how there are no girls in your classes."

"That was last year. Shit got real in my classes, okay? I don't have time for a girlfriend."

"You still have a thing for DA." Carlos said. "Don't act like you're all superior to me because you can't get over some girl who dated you for two months either."

Tim wanted to punch Carlos. It took a lot of energy to keep him from doing so. Instead, he stared coolly at him. "Fuck you, man." He stormed out of the room and went to the library.

* * *

**October 25, 2003  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

Ralphie's phone beeped with a text. He'd been watching the game – he knew exactly who it was and what this was about. _This is a wonderful day._

"What?" Arnold asked.

"The Yankees just lost the World Series." Ralphie laughed. "To the _Marlins_."

"So Phoebe's happy, then?" Arnold smiled. Ralphie's phone started ringing.

"I gotta take this," he said. "It's Kim." He ducked out of the room. He knew Arnold didn't like Kim, which was why they couldn't watch the World Series together. Besides, Kim had a pathological hatred of the Marlins for reasons she didn't entirely understand.

Arnold sighed. He'd been charged with keeping Ralphie from dating, but Kim had baseball and Philadelphia in common with Ralphie, which was apparently all that mattered. When Ralphie came back into the room, Arnold said, "I thought you didn't want to date."

"We're not dating." Ralphie said.

"Bullshit." Arnold laughed.

"You see us going out for malts or to the drive in or whatever?"

"Your 50s notions of dating are hilarious." Arnold shook his head. "You're listening to the happy Fleetwood Mac songs over and over. Do you really think 'Hold Me' doesn't have some dark undertone to it?"

"Shut up." Ralphie thought the song sounded happy. "Don't you want me to be happy?"

Arnold took a deep breath. He'd been thinking lately about the girls' varied reactions to DA's theory. Phoebe was the true believer, Keesha was skeptical, Wanda was determined to disprove it, which showed that she believed it on some level, and DA needed it to be right. Arnold hadn't thought about it too much. Why would he think about getting married when he hadn't made it through college yet? Still, there was something to it – something told him that Ralphie pursuing a relationship outside the group wouldn't end well. "Of course I want you to be happy. But the theory…"

"This is about the theory?" Ralphie laughed. "Come on. What better way to test a theory than to try disproving it?"

"Wanda's got you covered there." Arnold tried. "Besides, I just don't know that you're ready for a relationship." Arnold was throwing every platitude he'd ever heard at Ralphie. Nothing was working.

"That was different." Ralphie explained. "I'm over Keesha now. Everything's fine. I might change my major to biology."

"Why?" Arnold asked.

"To go pre-med."

"You want to go to med school now?" Arnold asked suspiciously.

"Maybe."

"I thought you liked hurting people to make them get better." Arnold was used to having to remind Ralphie about things like why he was becoming a physical therapist or staying away from girls. Their friendship worked best when they remembered things for each other.

"I'd do that as a doctor!" Ralphie said. "That's what surgery is."

"Surgery? How many years of residency is that?" Arnold asked. Ralphie shrugged. "When's your next session with your therapist?"

Ralphie glared at Arnold. "I think I'm done, _mom_."

"This is about Kim, isn't it?" Arnold said. "You can't hide things from me, Ralphie."

"Who said anything about hiding anything?"

Arnold looked at Ralphie. He looked a little nervous. He was definitely seeing Kim and trying to hide it. "You realize you're incredibly easy to read, right?"

"Okay, fine, so I've been…" Ralphie thought for a second. Arnold put a palm up to prompt Ralphie to just spit out what he wanted to say. "… with Kim. And I don't need you to safeguard my virtue or whatever."

"You asked me to keep you from making really stupid decisions, remember? It was your idea." Arnold said. "Your 'virtue' is a lost cause. You've been reading _A Storm of Swords_, haven't you?"

"Anyway, I should go." Ralphie grabbed his coat and ran out the door before Arnold could say anything else.

Arnold didn't usually make it a policy to meddle about in others' business. Carlos was better at meddling, anyway. This time was an exception. Ralphie and Arnold had been inseparable since third grade, even though they'd known each other since kindergarten. They were both more willing to admit to being afraid than Tim and Carlos, though Arnold would more easily face his fear than Ralphie. Though Arnold was shorter and leaner than Ralphie, who at his peak football fitness had been some sort of Germanic hulk, Arnold had been in more fights than Ralphie. Ralphie's weapon of choice was his voice, and he had been in more yelling matches than anyone in the group by far. Carlos liked to say that Ralphie was all talk, but that wasn't entirely true either. Ralphie was at least 85% talk – he'd started fights when the other party disrespected something important to him. The only things Arnold had seen Ralphie resort to violence over were the Phillies, his mother, and his friends. Getting involved in the Homecoming GoldenEye Melee of 2001 didn't count – that was mostly Arnold and Tim. Carlos had ducked a punch and accidentally kicked Ralphie, who retaliated. Besides his need to do what was best for Ralphie in the long term, there was just something off about Kim.

Arnold had more important things to think about – a twelve-page philosophy paper, for one, but instead he called Phoebe. She'd give good advice. She didn't answer, so he called Keesha.

"I'm worried about Ralphie." He said.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You know him the best after me."

"And you think I care?"

"I know you do." Arnold said.

* * *

**October 31, 2003  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda was surprised at the creativity of college students to make any costume they could think of sexy. Tiffany was going to the Halloween party as Martha Stewart in a prison jumpsuit. Sexy Martha Stewart wasn't something Wanda would have ever imagined before today. Wanda had wanted to go as Khaleesi, but she didn't feel comfortable letting her freak flag fly with these people. Her sorority sisters loved her, mostly because she was so loveable and weird, but they could never understand.

Not that it made DA right or anything, because it didn't.

Wanda had played it safe as a sexy pirate and went out to party with her new best friends. She was as open as she could be with them, so they would have no reason to suspect that she read epic fantasy that wasn't _Lord of the Rings_, because who was she? Ralphie?

Everything she thought came back to her friends. The theory seemed to be right, even as the group on the east coast were acting all crazy with their dating drama. Nothing Wanda had tried could separate her from them. She'd have to try some more things.

"Yo Tiff, will you get me a beer?" She asked.

"Sure!" Tiffany said. Wanda liked to believe that Tiffany was cool and was getting Wanda a beer even though she turned 20 in six months. She suspected that Tiffany forgot that she wasn't 21 yet. Tiffany had been acting a little more distant, probably because Wanda was weird.

Because no one cared about Wanda like… dammit. Wanda grabbed the beer from Tiffany and took a swig. It was time for her to take her future into her own hands, so she found the sexiest male pirate she could and sauntered up to him.

"Hey there." She said to him. "I'm Wanda."

"Brett." The shirtless pirate replied.

"Do you by any chance surf?" Wanda asked.

"Yeah, actually. Do you?"

"No. I'd love to learn, though. Maybe you could teach me!" Wanda batted her eyelashes.

* * *

**November 28, 2003  
****DA's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

DA hated having a secret. Thanksgiving was terrible. She had to pretend that everything was going well at school, when her advisor had still been pessimistic about her vague plans of chemical genius after graduate school. She'd wanted to work in a research lab not sponsored purely for the reasons of research and discovery, not by some business. Her advisor had told her that was impossible. She could work for the government, maybe, or go into academia. She didn't want to teach, but that was necessary. It was frustrating that her dream apparently didn't exist.

What she told her family was that she had a bright future in chemical research and that next year, she'd be able to take graduate credits. There had to be an organization that fit her desires somewhere. When asked about the lab, she talked instead about her wonderful work study job in the library. She left out the part about sleeping with her supervisor and resigning so he didn't get caught.

"You shelve books?" Evan, her younger sister, asked at breakfast the next morning. The Mauers were nothing without their pancake breakfasts around holidays.

"Yeah. It's great!" DA said enthusiastically. Evan was 14. She wouldn't understand the beauty of the organization of information in the library. "Do you think I could go out with my friends?" She asked after the plates had been cleared.

"Won't they want to spend time with their families?" Mrs. Mauer asked.

"It's not a holiday, Mom." DA wondered why she had even asked.

"We could play a game," Mr. Mauer suggested.

"That sounds stupid." Evan sighed and got up. Jessica, who was younger than Evan, mirrored her sister's behavior.

"Come on, Dorothy Ann." Mr. Mauer tried.

"Sorry, Dad." DA got up. "I'm going to go out with my friends."

It was unseasonably warm, so when DA went for a walk through the neighborhood to clear her head, she shouldn't have been surprised that she'd gone further than she thought. She ended up at Carlos's house. When no better option came to mind, she rang the doorbell.

* * *

**December 5, 2003  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Of course Phoebe was on duty for the weekend before finals week. The veteran RAs had conveniently all been busy, leaving Phoebe and Keesha with enforcing heightened quiet hours. Phoebe's pager had gone off in the middle of her cutting out the door decorations for her floor of freshman girls. It was 10:30 p.m. on reading day. It had to be a noise complaint. She called the front desk. Sure enough, it was noise. She called Keesha.

"Want to go on rounds?" She said. "I've got a noise complaint in Penn Hall, and we might as well go."

"Okay." Keesha said. "Can we stop by Brad's room when we're done?"

"Why?" Phoebe wondered. She'd go out in the hall and start heading up to Keesha's room if it weren't mandatory quiet hours. It was frowned upon for Resident Advisors to break policy, and Phoebe liked to play by the rules.

"I told him I'd visit…" Keesha said coyly. Keesha, who'd only a year ago considered herself a late bloomer, had hit her stride with dating in college. She had other RAs clamoring to spend time with her. Keesha's newfound boy-craziness somewhat irritated Phoebe. Keesha was sick of the theory and Phoebe being such a believer in it.

If Keesha was honest with herself, she knew that she was jealous of Phoebe's steady, boring relationship with Arnold. Phoebe was going along with her plan, and things were working out fine. The only time Keesha had felt like maybe she had a chance at something like what Phoebe had was with Ralphie, who was now dating that floozy. Keesha had hated Kim since hearing about her. Ralphie had mentioned her in passing before Arnold had said anything, and Keesha knew exactly what would happen. Kim was going to seduce Ralphie and somehow end up hurting him. Keesha couldn't rule out jealousy, but would never admit to it.

Keesha and Phoebe headed over to Penn Hall, where the noise complaint was that the resident's neighbor had been listening to "Shake Ya Tailfeather" on repeat for the last three hours. After knocking produced no results, Keesha called their supervisor, who opened the door to the room to find it unoccupied.

"What kind of jerk puts a song on repeat, then leaves?" Keesha whispered. Phoebe glanced around the room, then her eyes widened.

"It's Janet. Look!" She hissed, pointing at the pictures around the computer.

"You think she left this for you as a trap?" Keesha asked, skeptically. "You've been re-reading those books, haven't you?"

"She hates me. You don't understand how much she hates me." Phoebe pleaded. "It's a trap. I know it!"

"I think you're losing your mind." Keesha tried not to laugh.

* * *

**author's note**:

Obviously the stuff they discuss from _A Song of Ice and Fire_ is from that series.

"The Aristocrats" is probably the dirtiest joke imaginable. Look it up at your own risk.

"Shake Ya Tailfeather" (by Nelly) on repeat is pretty much just 2003.

So… is Ralphie's girlfriend terrible? Will the sexy pirate teach Wanda to surf? Did DA doorbell ditch Carlos? Will Tim come back from the library? Did Arnold get an A on his philosophy paper? Well obviously he did, he's Arnold. Is Janet out to get Phoebe?

Up next: the rest of sophomore year, an implosion, more drama, and who knows, maybe some people will get together.


	9. sixty-two seconds

**chapter 8: sixty-two seconds**

**December 13, 2003  
****Tim's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

Ralphie decided that he needed to make sure this birthday sucked less, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. He wasn't a teenager anymore, after all. At breakfast, he asked his mom to just tell him every embarrassing and terrible thing that she might have saved for future birthdays. As a result, he now knew which song he'd never be able to listen to again without cringing. He also knew, somewhat infuriatingly, exactly which ways he took after his father. But it was out of the way, and now his birthday could only go up from there.

Ralphie went to Tim's house to hang out with his friends. Kim was in Philly with her family, which had sucked at first. Ralphie and Kim had been inseparable for the last few months. She understood him in ways few people did, and she encouraged him to dream big. Unfortunately, his friends decided to take the opportunity to tell him exactly what they thought of her at Tim's house.

"You know I don't like her." Keesha said. "She's a shady bitch, and I don't know what she's up to yet, but I bet it's no good."

"Keesha," Phoebe urged quietly. She didn't think Ralphie and Kim would work out either, but she hated to get in the way of anyone's short-term happiness.

"So she likes your baseball team." Tim wondered. "And that's pretty much all you need?" Ralphie glared at him.

"I'm not easy, if that's what you're implying." He snapped. "I don't understand why you're interrogating me over this. Why are you so invested in my life?"

"Because we're your friends, asshole." Carlos said. "You guys have met her - what do you think?"

"I think..." DA started, then looked at Arnold. She was trying to be diplomatic.

"Something's up with her." Arnold said. "You didn't want to go to med school until you started hanging out with her."

"Is it really so weird that I might want to be a doctor?" Ralphie demanded. "My mom's a doctor. I know the field better than half of the med school applicants." He remembered something Kim had said. "You don't think I'm smart enough, do you?"

"What!?" Arnold was aghast. "Ralphie, when have I ever called you stupid?"

Ralphie pointed at Carlos. "You're always saying I'm smarter than I look, like it's some kind of surprise."

"Carlos looks dumb too," Wanda offered. Tim stifled laughter.

"We know you're not stupid, okay." Keesha took a deep breath. "Look, something about her doesn't sit well with me. I'm a good judge of character."

"It's a gift." Phoebe said.

"I have a gift." Keesha reiterated, her arm out to Phoebe to reinforce her point. Ralphie wondered why he didn't get as good of a gift. When would amazing falsetto come into play? "She's sketchy. She makes backhanded comments about us being from the suburbs."

"We're on the Main Line." Ralphie defended her. He almost wished Kim was here to defend herself. She wouldn't take this shit, and he shouldn't take it either. "Look, Keesha, you lost whatever right you had to telling me what to do with my love life, okay? It's gone. You're going to have to accept that."

"Fine!" Keesha snapped. "But when you end up hurt and depressed, just remember that I was right."

"Seriously, though, Ralphie." Arnold said softly. "She doesn't like when you talk to Keesha. Or Phoebe, or DA."

"Wait, what about me?" Wanda asked. She hated being left out.

"She doesn't care." Arnold said.

Phoebe was flabbergasted. "Why doesn't she like me? She's never met me!"

"Baseball." Ralphie admitted. "She doesn't particularly like me calling you after the Phils beat your team..."

"Well neither do I," Phoebe tried to joke, but it fell flat. "Never mind." She mumbled.

"And DA's gorgeous and blonde and there." Arnold said. DA smiled at the compliment. Phoebe felt a twinge of jealousy at the way Arnold looked at DA.

"I have to hide from her." She explained.

"Wait – here's an important question. Why the hell are we having an intervention?! On my birthday!?" Ralphie yelled. "Couldn't this wait until tomorrow?"

"Why doesn't she hate me? She hates everyone else." Wanda pouted.

"Think of it this way," Arnold started. He had a talent with handling Wanda. "You're her favorite."

"Ooh, I like that." Wanda nodded.

"I think we're missing the point that my birthday isn't supposed to suck," Ralphie said. He didn't know why he didn't just leave. It was cold outside, but he could walk home. _I'm an athlete_, he thought. _I could run home if I wanted to_. "Look, I'm an adult. I'm older than most of you,"

"Not really." Tim pointed out. "Three of us are older than you, so that means you're older than half of us."

"Thanks for the clarification," Ralphie glared at Tim. "Like I was saying, I'm an adult and I'm going to do what I want, alright?"

"Entitled suburban attitude," Carlos whispered to Tim, who laughed.

"WHAT?!" Ralphie demanded. "Stop laughing at me! I hate you guys sometimes. And I don't have to take your shit. Especially not yours." He pointed at Keesha. "You're just jealous, and you have absolutely no business telling me who I should date."

Keesha was speechless. She feared he'd finally snapped.

"I'm going to go home and have cake with my mom, who will probably reveal some other disgusting relic from my past." He stormed out.

* * *

**later that night…**

Phoebe gave Wanda a ride home. Wanda was staring out the window. The intervention for Ralphie had made her think hard about her friends.

"You've seemed awfully distant lately." Phoebe started.

"What do you mean by lately?"

"Since summer."

"Nice of you to say something now."

Phoebe felt her shoulders drop in defeat. "I've had some stuff going on, okay?"

"Stuff that's more important than me." Wanda shrugged. "It's a good thing I went to California where you could all forget about me."

"I did not forget about you!" Phoebe argued. She was sick of the drama. Maybe Ralphie was right and they should never do anything on his birthday. It could be a state holiday where nobody left their homes.

"You and Keesha have your little RA club thing, Tim and Carlos have this love-hate bromance, Arnold and Ralphie have the same codependent thing they've always had, DA probably banged a grad student or something,"

"Wait - what?" Phoebe asked.

"DA's been acting super weird." Wanda shrugged. "She isn't working in the lab, like a normal chemistry major would. She's not dating anyone, just making googly eyes at pretty much every guy there is."

"She's focusing on her studies." Phoebe explained. "She would've told us if she had a boyfriend."

"I didn't say boyfriend, I said hookup." Wanda wondered how Phoebe got so thick. "I know post-hookup shame when I see it."

"Not DA!" Phoebe gasped. "Did she tell you?"

"No. I can read people. I have a gift." Wanda said.

"You know that's not your gift." Phoebe said. "That's Keesha's gift."

"Well Keesha's gift is apparently making Ralphie incredibly angry to the point of walking home in the freezing cold." Wanda shrugged.

"Because she can read people."

"Ralphie doesn't count. He's like reading a picture book." Wanda shrugged again. "Maybe I should be a psych major, not Keesha."

Phoebe hated all the tension and anger, the secrets and the yelling. She wanted things to be simple, like they were in - well, she couldn't think of a time where things had actually been simple. Even in elementary school, there was that whole magic field trips thing, or how Arnold felt about Wanda threatening him if he wouldn't be her boyfriend that week, or Keesha saying something blunt about Tim's artwork, or Carlos the overly sensitive Eagles fan… She wanted things to be simple like they would be when they were all married and living happily ever after.

"Look, you have fun with Keesha and whatever the hell you have going on. Invite me if you feel like it, as usual." Wanda said. "I'll just continue antagonizing DA."

"Wanda." Phoebe said sadly. She knew Wanda had a point. Phoebe had been absorbed in Keesha's rotating boyfriend list and her own relationship with Arnold. Arnold had been very affected by Ralphie's new girlfriend, and he was getting distant. He was trying to be supportive of Ralphie, but the theory doomed that relationship to failure. Phoebe couldn't help but think that things were slipping out of control and there was nothing she could do. The thought of it made her want to cry.

"You know I'm right." Wanda said to the window.

"Yes." Phoebe's eyes welled up. "I just - I'm afraid it won't work out, Wanda."

"Go on." Wanda said after a moment of quiet.

"Keesha keeps dating these guys that aren't in the group - so what if the theory is wrong? What if Arnold and I don't get married? What if I don't get into Franklin?" The tears and the words were coming faster now. "What if Ralphie's girlfriend drives us all apart – but it's worse than that. What if it's not her, it's _us_? What if we won't stay friends and it's just this that's breaking us all up?"

Wanda looked over at Phoebe, who was nothing if not entirely earnest. Her fears terrified her. Wanda had no idea what to do with this breakdown, but she was angry that it had taken sensitive Phoebe so long to consider what Wanda felt.

"What does my life even look like without all of you?" Phoebe asked.

"California." Wanda said coolly.

* * *

**December 30, 2003  
****Carlos's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

DA wished she could say she had no idea what she was doing here. She'd told Carlos everything about Troy. It seemed like a crazy idea to tell Carlos any secrets because he had a tendency to want to tell everyone things they weren't supposed to know yet, usually by changing his screen name. But DA knew she could rely on his undying affection for her to keep it secret. Unburdening herself had freed her in a way she hadn't anticipated.

Carlos's little brother, Mikey, answered the door. Mikey was a senior in high school and looked at DA like she was some sort of voluptuous unicorn.

"Is Carlos here?" DA asked.

"Yeah," Mikey looked crestfallen, and moved out of her way.

"Want to get a McFlurry at the McDonald's?" Carlos asked.

"Sure." DA shrugged.

This was the first time DA had ever seen Carlos take the beat up car not-so-affectionately called the Ramonster out on the road alone. She'd seen Mr. Ramon teaching Carlos how to drive it, but Carlos would only drive it if he was desperate. They ate their McFlurries at the McDonald's and ended up talking for hours, garnering dirty looks from the employees.

"Want to get out of here?" Carlos asked.

"Where'd we go?" DA wondered as they walked out to the car.

"Does it matter?"

"Actually, it does." DA looked at him.

Carlos thought a moment as he and DA sat in the Ramonster. This was his chance, and he couldn't blow it. Everything was at stake here, and he was entirely sure both sets of their parents were home, plus Mikey, who would stare at DA like she was a piece of meat. It would be difficult to sneak into Tim's house, even though there were several rooms in the basement that would be easy to hide in. If only it were -

"Wait, Tim's having the New Year's Eve party tomorrow night." Carlos said. "We can, uh, hang out more then."

DA scrunched up her mouth in thought, then decided to stop thinking. She was sick of over-thinking things. She grabbed Carlos and kissed him hard. They only broke apart to move to the backseat.

* * *

**January 10, 2004  
****Outside Phoebe's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

It was 13 degrees outside and Arnold refused to come in. That should have been the first warning sign to Phoebe, who had a talent for refusing to recognize that terrible things were happening right in front of her, even as Arnold said things she never thought he'd say.

"I just think we made a big decision way too early," Arnold continued, fidgeting with his jacket. It wasn't like him to be this nervous. Phoebe looked shell shocked. The reality of the situation slowly dawned on her, and it was like stepping into a parallel universe. Ten minutes ago, everything had been working out well, as far as she was concerned.

"It's not like we're getting married tomorrow."

"I know." Arnold looked around. "I just – I don't think it's good for this to be so serious. Phoebe, we're 19."

"I thought everything was fine," Phoebe sniffled. "I thought we were okay. We don't fight or –"

"It just feels like habit, you know? We're taking it for granted." Arnold was shaking from a combination of nerves, emotion, and the bitter cold. "You deserve better than that." Phoebe shook her head violently.

"This isn't supposed to happen." She said. If she could only go back and fix whatever she'd done, she'd do it. "Maybe we just need a break?" She tried conceding.

"No." Arnold hated seeing Phoebe this hurt. "I don't want you to wait for something that might not happen."

"It'll happen. It has to." Phoebe said. She had a plan. Everything would be okay if they stuck to the plan. "Maybe we'll get into Franklin, and…"

Arnold shook his head sadly. "I can't believe in that plan anymore, Phoebe. I just – I can't."

"Why?"

He sighed. "Our relationship feels like something we're doing because it's expected. It's something we have to do, because it's the plan." Phoebe didn't argue, she just shook her head. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she didn't cry yet. It was probably better that way. Arnold gritted his teeth. "And Franklin - their law school is so expensive and competitive. I don't want to bother applying. Their tuition is so expensive… it's not worth taking the chance. We'd be apart for four more years. Who knows how we'd change in that time? We'd be total strangers, stuck together with loads of debt."

"We'd both make good money. We'll be okay." Phoebe was shaking harder.

Arnold couldn't handle it anymore. He couldn't stand out on Phoebe's porch, watching her optimistically fixate on the future they'd created for themselves, a future which would never exist.

He remembered the moment he knew with certainty that it was over. Wanda's parents hadn't wanted to pick her up from the airport, so Phoebe had driven the gang to do so. Phoebe had dropped her purse and shrieked when Wanda showed up. She'd nearly bowled Wanda over. Wanda had said it was like coming home to an enthusiastic dog, and assigned Phoebe to pick her up from the airport every single time.

If Phoebe was that excited about seeing Wanda, why didn't Arnold feel nearly the same when he saw Phoebe for the first time in months?

"Look," Arnold wished it was different, but it was what it was: "It's over. You deserve someone who's as excited to see you as you are them." He stepped off the porch and headed to his car.

"I already got your birthday present." Phoebe called to him.

"Take it back." Arnold said sadly, then sat in his car and slammed the door.

After he drove away, Phoebe went inside. The shaking was about to turn into sobbing, but she tried to hold it together.

"Are you okay?" Her dad called.

"I guess." Phoebe said. She went up to her room and shut the door. It was sinking in: she and Arnold weren't together anymore. Her perfect plan was gone. Everything in her room reminded her of Arnold. She gathered up pictures off her dresser and shoved them in a box as she sobbed. As the full weight of what had just happened hit her, she picked up her phone to call Keesha. There was no answer, which meant she moved to the next person on the list.

"Hello?" Her voice wavered the more she tried to keep it steady.

"Phoebe? Are you okay?" DA asked.

"No." Phoebe sobbed. "Arnold just dumped me because apparently we're too serious."

"No!" DA gasped. "I'm sorry, Pheebs."

"I just don't understand." Phoebe sank down onto the floor. "Who am I going to end up with?"

"I don't know."

"But you have the theory!" Phoebe argued through tears. "You studied this. Tell me who it is – even if it's not Arnold. I have to know. Please."

"I told you –" DA started.

"Please tell me, DA." Phoebe begged. "I can't end up alone! I can't! You have to tell me who it is."

"I don't know."

"Is it Carlos?" Phoebe asked. She had no idea why Carlos always popped into her head when she had questions about people.

"Um… I don't think so, no." DA said.

"Please think about it, okay?" Phoebe could feel another wave of tears coming on. "Please."

DA paused again, knowing that no amount of rationality would work for Phoebe when she was like this. "Okay."

* * *

**meanwhile, at Carlos's house…**

DA was shaken. "Arnold just dumped Phoebe."

"Really?" Carlos asked. "He finally decided he wanted a girl with boobs, huh?"

"Don't be an asshole, Carlos." DA snapped.

It was at that moment Carlos realized that for the last two weeks, he'd been infatuated with the idea of being with DA. The reality was different. In his head, she loved his jokes, she found him irresistible, and he was more important to her than anything. In reality, they were attracted to each other, but she often found him annoying. He could be insensitive, sure, but there was a better way to deal with it than snapping at him. This wasn't what he thought it would be at all.

"I think you should go." He said coldly.

* * *

**January 11, 2004  
****En route to Philadelphia**

"It's my turn to take you out to ice cream." Keesha said to Phoebe, who was driving them back to school.

"It's frickin' freezing out there, Mr. Bigglesworth." Phoebe couldn't handle original humor yet, so she had to settle for quoting movies. Keesha laughed supportively. At least Phoebe was trying.

"Coffee, then? Maybe tea?" Keesha shrugged. "Come on, what music should we listen to?"

"You're in shotgun; you pick."

"You just got dumped, honey." Keesha insisted. "You've heard everyone's sad music. What do you want to hear?"

Phoebe sighed. "Remember that time that I had a crush on Brian Weathers, and I finally got up the courage to ask him to Sadie's, and he rejected me pretty loudly in front of everyone?"

"Yeah. That was harsh."

"Carlos was listening to _A Night at the Roxbury_ all that week." Phoebe could feel the tears rise at the memory. "So I know it's happy dance music, but it makes me sad."

"You got it, boss." Keesha put in the CD.

"Go to 'What is Love?' That's a good one." Phoebe sniffled.

* * *

**January 15, 2004  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

Arnold wasn't used to the new routine that involved ignoring Phoebe. He spent more time in the gym and at the pool, which he'd neglected over the last year. It felt good to get back in shape. He also studied a lot more, which was good as he started taking sociology courses. He figured that sociology was an easy enough major, which would make him competitive for law school. Phoebe hadn't sent him his present, so that was good. Everything was different, and he kind of hated it this way. Phoebe was gone, Kim was always around, and now he was afraid that the breakup of the last surviving couple would screw the group up. It would make things weird for a while, and it was all his fault.

"Studying on your birthday?" Ralphie asked. He was with Kim, as usual. "Let's go out."

Arnold shrugged. "I have a project."

"We've been back at school for two days. Can't you go to a Chili's or something?" Kim urged.

Arnold looked up. Ralphie and Kim were standing with their arms around each other. Being a third wheel sounded terrible. "Chili's is too far away. Go ahead and go without me."

"It's your _birthday_." Ralphie urged. "Come on, my treat."

"I don't want to be a third wheel."

"Don't be stupid." Kim laughed. "You two have read those stupid fantasy books." Arnold wished he could believe that she'd be the third wheel.

"They're not stupid." Arnold argued. "Are they, Ralphie?" He needed to turn his attention back to Ralphie so he'd stop thinking about Phoebe. The books reminded him too much of her.

"No," Ralphie laughed nervously – something he'd done since Arnold had known him. It was a nice island of normalcy for Arnold. "Hey, maybe DA will come with us."

"Sure," Arnold shrugged. He IMed DA to see if she'd already gone to dinner.

"Does she have to come?" Kim whispered to Ralphie.

"The more, the merrier." Ralphie said brightly, grabbing his Eagles hat. Arnold smiled. Ralphie could be oblivious, and it irked Kim. Arnold felt smug that he still knew Ralphie better than Kim did. She had years of catching up to even get close.

"Oh, so today you're not afraid of getting your ass kicked by the Steelers fans?" Kim asked.

"They're not in the playoffs." Ralphie shrugged. "And we're going with Arnold. He'll fight off the Steelers fans."

Kim shook her head in disbelief before changing the subject. "So Arnold, did Ralph tell you that he's going to go to med school?"

"No." Arnold looked at Ralphie. "Seriously?"

Ralphie nodded.

"We're looking at schools on the west coast." Kim added.

"We?" Arnold asked Ralphie, who shrugged. "What's wrong with Pennsylvania?" Arnold had a feeling that Ralphie, who was borderline fanatical about all things Philadelphia, was a reluctant part of that "we."

"Yo, guys, I'm hungry!" DA barged in.

"Way to knock," Kim remarked.

DA had learned to cope with Kim by not taking anything she said seriously. "So what's for dinner?"

"Thanks for coming," Arnold whispered to DA. "She's the worst. She's the worst person in the world."

"I'm glad I don't work tonight." DA said.

"Where do you work?" Kim asked.

"The library." Before DA could explain any more, Kim interrupted her.

"What are you, some kind of punk-ass book jockey?"

"Exactly." DA said. Arnold made sure Ralphie wasn't looking, then rolled his eyes.

"Well, we should go. Come on," Ralphie put his arm around Kim.

* * *

**February 12, 2004  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"You ready for this program?" Keesha asked.

"Why isn't anyone here?" Phoebe asked, fidgeting with her gray hoodie as she looked around at the array of pizza, ice cream, and soda that she and Keesha had arranged for their residents.

"I don't know!" Keesha exclaimed. "We did everything right. We have free food, it's a Thursday, so other things aren't really going on…"

"We had such great fliers." Phoebe lamented.

"The fliers." Keesha gasped and dashed out of the common room.

Phoebe sighed heavily and grabbed a slice of pizza. If everyone was going to leave her, she might as well eat. Keesha ran back in. "They're gone."

"What?"

"All our signs. They vanished."

"It's Janet!" Phoebe sat up straight. "I knew she'd try to undermine us."

"Why would Janet do that?"

"She hates me." Phoebe shrugged. "And I was dating Arnold."

"But now you're not, so you're less fun to torment."

"I don't think so." Phoebe said solemnly. "I think she won't rest until she has total control of Penn Hall. She probably has little birds everywhere."

"And I think you've been reading way too much of those books."

* * *

**February 14, 2004  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

This was Wanda's first Valentine's Day with an actual boyfriend, and Brett was pretty fantastic. He'd taught her how to surf, and while it had been incredibly sexy, it turned out that Wanda hated surfing.

"What's this?" He asked, picking up _A Storm of Swords_. "Is this about like a hurricane of swords?"

"No," Wanda grabbed it. "It's in this fantasy series I'm reading."

"Fantasy? With wizards and dragons and shit?" Brett asked, confused.

"Yeah." Wanda said. "It's actually pretty awesome. People die."

"I had no idea you were so dorky."

"There's a lot about me you don't know." Wanda raised her eyebrows alluringly.

* * *

**March 7, 2004  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"Tell me that's something Arnold's mom wouldn't do." Tim pointed at the TV. "Adopt a kid to look charitable."

"She even looks like Arnold's mom." Carlos looked at the TV.

"This show is hilarious; you've got to watch it." Tim urged Carlos. They'd been getting along a lot better ever since Tim asked out that girl in the engineering department and Carlos had started playing the field after cutting it off with DA. The tension over DA was gone – just like that, she had no power over them anymore. Now they could bond over TV shows. The plotline of the episode of _Arrested Development _about one brother being interested in the other's ex hit a bit close to home, but neither Tim nor Carlos would admit to it.

* * *

**March 21, 2004  
****Carlos's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

An odd group of people were gathering in the Ramons' living room before 7 am on a Sunday, all staring at the TV. Tim sat on the couch next to Carlos. Their parents stood behind them. The Ramons had the largest TV of the group, and they'd all decided that it was better to watch the demolition of Veterans Stadium on the news than it was to try to drive to Philadelphia.

"Did we miss it?" Ralphie asked, coming in with his mom.

"No, they're going to start it soon." Mrs. Ramon said. "Would you like coffee?"

"No thanks." Dr. Tennelli smiled. Ralphie sat down next to Carlos.

"It's going to make one hell of a dust cloud." Carlos said, staring at his beloved football stadium where his Eagles had played for the last 32 years.

Ralphie nodded solemnly. "I can't believe it's actually coming down."

"Shh!" Mr. Ramon waved his arm. The countdown was beginning. Ralphie and Carlos sat on the edge of the couch. Carlos held his breath as the camera switched to the interior of the stadium. A section of seats suddenly crumbled toward the field, then the section next to it, around in a circle like dominoes. The camera angle switched to a wide view of the whole stadium as it transformed into a huge cloud of dust. People cheered as it came down.

"It's going to be a parking lot." Ralphie said softly. "The place we won our first World Series is going to be a parking lot."

"All the football games I saw…" Carlos added. The building was no more. It had really happened. It all felt so permanent and final. Carlos felt heavy. Sure, he was excited for the new stadium, but he'd been to so many football games at the Vet that it had felt like home to him. This new stadium wasn't home. Not yet.

"I'll take the coffee now," Dr. Tennelli said, sounding a little choked up. The weight of the moment was strange to her. She couldn't help but remember bringing Ralphie to his first baseball game at the stadium, back when he was a kid.

Tim was astounded that this building meant so much to these people, and that in just over a minute, it didn't exist anymore, leaving nothing but dust.

* * *

**author's note**: Thanks for reading &amp; reviewing, even when it gets messy and implosion-y, like it does here. Sorry about crushing everyone's dreams in this chapter. Please don't hate me.

**References &amp; stuff I don't own**:

The title – 62 seconds – is how long it took for Veterans Stadium, the former home of the Philadelphia Phillies and the Philadelphia Eagles, to be demolished.

"It's frickin' freezing… Mr. Bigglesworth," is from _Austin Powers_.

"She's the worst. She's the worst person in the world," is from "Bailout," an episode of _Parks and Recreation_, but Arnold didn't sing it, which is a huge shame.

"Punk-ass book jockey" is also from _Parks and Recreation_, this time from "Ron and Tammy."

"She probably has little birds everywhere" is a reference to a character's spy network in _A Song of Ice and Fire_.

Tim and Carlos are watching _Arrested Development_, specifically, the episode titled "Shock and Aww."

With answers come more questions, such as – how many more breakups can there be? Can't people just get together? Did Kim hog all the appetizers? What is love? Is Tim thinking about bees again? How can Dr. T function without coffee before 7 am? Stay tuned.

Up next: a happy start to a chapter, a new face comes to one of the colleges, the gang turns 21, maybe some happy things, and still more drama.


	10. cursed no more

**author's note: **thanks for coming back! One of _the _major spoilers for _A Storm of Swords_/_Game of Thrones_ season 3 is in this chapter.

* * *

**chapter 9: cursed no more**

**September 2, 2004  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

There were exactly 25 days of every year that were better than any other days, because Carlos was older than all of his friends. This year was the best since the one where he'd turned 18.

"Well, Tim, I'm going out for a beer. Mind joining me in a month and 23 days?"

"Don't you have better things to do than calculate exactly how much older you are than everyone?"

Carlos thought a moment. "Nope." He'd already IMed a similar invitation to everyone else in the group.

**Carlos is 21**: yo, wanna join me for a beer in 7 months and 16 days?

**Wanda**: I already drink, loser.

**Carlos is 21**: but I can't get arrested for it.

He turned back to Tim. "Come out with me and watch me drink."

"Nah, I'll stay in. I've got homework to do." Tim shrugged.

"Wait, what happened to what's-her-face?" He asked.

"Stephanie. It just didn't work out." Tim shrugged. "We're too alike."

"Does this mean you're going to get all frustrated and bitchy again?" Carlos asked.

"I'll only be as bitchy as you are sleazy, how about that?"

"As long as you're not a total downer all the time, you can be single. If you start getting mood swings again, I'm bringing you a girlfriend." Carlos insisted.

"I don't think I trust you to choose a girlfriend for me."

"Then you'd better keep your shit together." Carlos grinned. Tim was thoroughly used to Carlos's sense of humor by now – it alternated between terrible puns and longer hypothetical situations. The latter was more of Tim's field of humor. He'd always been observant, and as he'd grown up, he'd taken those observations to new heights of sarcasm. "I'll be back later."

"Don't have too much fun." Tim knew Carlos wouldn't heed the warning and would probably be miserable tomorrow anyway.

* * *

**September 3, 2004  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

Things were going to go well for DA this year. Freshman and sophomore years had been too turbulent. DA was finally able to start taking graduate-level classes, so she was throwing herself into her studies and hanging out with Arnold and Ralphie to satisfy her need for companionship. Well, Kim usually tagged along, but at least DA and Arnold could telepathically communicate their displeasure without Ralphie knowing what was happening. It was the perfect balance – platonic male friendship and hours alone in the lab doing research now that Troy had graduated. Her library job was going well, too. She'd moved up from shelving to actually working on the desk. It would be a good time to do homework. She ignored the stupid sappy songs that were all over the radio. She didn't need a boyfriend. Her boyfriend was called "Masters of Science in Chemistry." After Arnold dumped Phoebe last year, both of their grades had tanked in spring semester. This was further evidence that dating was a liability, and DA finally had everything under control.

"Fancy running into you here." A voice came from behind DA as she made her triumphant return to the chemistry building.

"Mike…y?" DA wondered if Mikey still wanted to be called "Mikey." "What are you doing here?"

"Going to class." He said. "And you can call me whatever you want."

_Good lord._ DA sighed.

* * *

**September 6, 2004  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

It was days like this that Wanda didn't miss Philly at all. She was twenty years old, thousands of miles away from her crazy weird parents who'd freak if they saw her drinking a beer on the roof of a sorority house, watching her friends dance to the same three songs that they had been listening to since last spring. Wanda liked dancing, but right now she wanted to look out over the rooftops at people barbecuing. Tomorrow it would be back to class.

Brett was out of town or something. Wanda figured she should probably care more about her boyfriend, since he was her first serious relationship that lasted longer than two weeks. She'd had relationships, but only a few had been serious: first, there was Arnold in middle school. That was serious because it had come from years of longing and arguing and intimidation. Technically, she'd dated Ralphie after Homecoming, but any relationship that came out of that horrid dance was doomed to fail anyway. Besides, it didn't count. She liked to say that anything with Ralphie didn't count, because Ralphie got incredibly defensive when she did. Wanda enjoyed rankling him, and it was far too easy.

Business plans had started out being fun, but they really sucked to do over and over again. Wanda had reluctantly followed her mother's route into journalism, since she'd enjoyed discovering the truth about the Walker Lake monster and throwing it in everyone's face – getting paid to do that would be living the dream. Broadcast journalism would allow her to be adored by the masses.

Tiffany was a senior and a genius marketer. Wanda wondered if she could convince Tiffany to seduce Arnold – then she'd have two ways to take down DA's theory. That way, she'd have a backup plan built in. As long as she was right and could throw it in DA's face, she'd be golden. The surfer boyfriend husband and passing college would be icing on the cake.

* * *

**September 27, 2004  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"If you're going to be a doctor," DA hated saying it, "you're going to have to do really well in organic chemistry."

"I hate this." Ralphie scowled. "Why do I have to take it? It's hard."

"You think this is hard? How are you going to do med school?"

"Shut up; I'm not stupid. Are you going to help me or not?"

"Okay, fine." DA wished Ralphie would just listen to her; she knew him better than Kim did. She looked at Ralphie's lecture notes. "Let's start with orbits and orbitals."

Tutoring Ralphie was surprisingly fun – and it had very little to do with Ralphie. DA found that she liked helping him. It was a welcome change from the isolation and acid spills of the lab. Every time Ralphie understood something, she couldn't help but feel proud that she facilitated it. He asked good questions, too, and that helped her delve deeper into topics she thought she understood. Amazingly, she was learning by teaching.

"Thanks," Ralphie smiled. "Hey, we should go out for your birthday. You could order a drink and make Arnold and me watch you drink it."

DA laughed. "You got it." She'd been so focused on Kim that she'd forgotten how great Ralphie could be on his own.

* * *

**later that night…**

DA's first mistake had been ordering a margarita, because she loved it and she'd needed another.

"You weren't supposed to get this drunk. It's a Monday." Arnold tried to hide his amusement.

"These things are delicious!" DA enthused. "You should try one. But you can't!" She laughed maniacally. "You can't because you're not 21 and I'm older than you."

"That's right." Ralphie conceded, looking around at the other people in the restaurant to make sure they didn't care that DA was cackling loudly. "Are they going to cut her off?" He whispered to Arnold, who shrugged.

"Wanda's the one with the good fake ID. She'd know." He whispered back.

"What are you two gossiping about?" DA laughed, waving down the waiter. "Can I get another one? A big one?"

"When's your class tomorrow?" Arnold asked.

"Not until 10. I'll be fine." DA shrugged. "I heard Carlos got super drunk and slept through class the next day. I'm not going to."

"Okay." Ralphie nodded. "You do that."

"Why don't you believe me? I'm always right! It's a gift!"

Arnold wondered why Phoebe had told DA she had a gift for being right. It had opened up several cans of worms. "It's a gift." He acquiesced.

"Guys," DA looked at the bottom of her empty margarita class. "I banged Carlos."

"Yeah, we know." Ralphie reached in his pocket for his phone.

"No, I mean over Christmas break. And he broke up with me. Can you believe that?" She looked up at her friends.

Ralphie looked at his phone and sighed. "It's Kim. I'll be right back." He got up and started walking toward the door of the restaurant. "Yeah?"

DA watched Ralphie walk away and shook her head. "There's nothing else to say about that."

Arnold shrugged because he wasn't entirely sure what she meant.

"Carlos dumped me because I called him an asshole." She said before slurping some of the melted margarita from the glass.

"That sounds about right." Arnold said. "Why'd you guys hook up?"

"Because I told him all my secrets and I felt all vulnerable and besides, he's hot."

"Your secrets?"

"Well… I slept with Troy. You remember, that grad student freshman year."

"What?" Arnold wondered how DA had kept this from everyone except Carlos so long. He was surprised that Carlos hadn't told anyone either.

"I didn't want you guys to think I was bad or anything and it was complicated, so I didn't tell. But now it's over and I'm drunk and I don't care." The waiter brought her margarita and a glass of water.

"We don't think you're bad." Arnold snuck a glance at Ralphie, who was pacing outside the restaurant, still on his phone.

"Really?" DA smiled sincerely. "Even though I'm getting drunk on a Monday?"

"When we all go out for my birthday, I'll be right with you. Even if it's on a Monday." Arnold said.

"Thanks, Arnold." DA sipped her margarita. "I was so mad when I hooked up with Troy. I mean, I almost ruined my chances at chemistry."

"I thought you liked astronomy when we were kids. What happened?" Arnold asked.

"You liked rocks," DA retorted.

"You know I had to downsize my collection." Arnold bristled.

"I was giving you a hard time." DA took another sip of her drink. "I still love astronomy, but it's so – you know, far away. I like stuff I can see and do right in front of me. Like this margarita."

Ralphie stormed back in. "Kim's trying to make me move to Texas again."

"I thought she was pushing you to go to California." DA said.

"She didn't realize that California costs at least eleventy billion dollars to live in every year."

"That's not even a real number." Arnold said.

"Yet." Ralphie raised his eyebrows. "Anyway, we gave up on California, and her next thing is Texas for med school. I'd have to apply this year, which means I'd have to have a perfect GPA, which means I have to do better in o chem. It's not fair. No one gets an A in o chem." Ralphie wished he could drink.

"I did." DA shrugged.

"Dude, she's trying to keep you away from us." Arnold said. Everyone knew Kim hated Ralphie talking to any of the girls, and she was jealous that she didn't fully understand Ralphie the way any of the guys did – especially Arnold. Ralphie considered Arnold's statement. "What's the number one thing you complain about?"

"Class." Ralphie said.

"Besides class."

"Being hungry."

DA laughed. "He's right, Arnold."

"Not being in Philadelphia." Arnold answered his own question. "There are medical schools in Philly. Then you can have the right food and the right sports teams."

"I know." Ralphie sighed. "She's just stuck on us moving out west."

"She's trying to get you away from us so she can make you her sugar daddy so she can sit on her ass and do nothing for the rest of her life." DA said. "Doctors make way more than physical therapists. Does she want you to be a plastic surgeon or something?"

"I'm not doing boob jobs for a living." Ralphie was indignant.

DA liked being drunk, because it made everything her friends said so much funnier. She had a feeling that even the stupid G.I. Joe videos Ralphie and Arnold liked would be funny now. "I'm telling you, she's in it for the money. You're easy to control."

Ralphie tore at the straw paper he'd been fidgeting with.

"You've got to dump her." Arnold said.

"I can't." Ralphie sighed. He was too stubborn to give up on this relationship. He and Kim had something special at first, and he wasn't entirely sure it was gone. Moving away did sound kind of exciting, though moving to a place where everyone liked the Cowboys sounded like a special kind of hell.

"I'll do it for you." Arnold offered.

"Guys, let's not be so down. It's my birthday." DA said.

"To DA." Arnold lifted his water glass. Ralphie and DA followed suit.

* * *

**October 27, 2004  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Phoebe had chewed her nails as far as she could without hurting herself over the last few days. She was on the edge of her bed, staring at her tiny TV. She'd fallen off a few times. It was the best she could do, as she'd been kicked out of the commons for being too loud after the first game of the World Series. She'd come back from class and changed her jeans into her Red Sox pajama pants for the game. She'd been wearing the same pair of red socks for the team's entire playoff run. She would have worn the same Red Sox shirt if she thought no one would notice, too. She'd settled for wearing her baseball cap to class every day. The moment was finally here, and she heard words she had feared she'd never hear.

"The Boston Red Sox are the world champions!"

Phoebe could hardly believe it. Her scream could be heard all through Penn Hall. She banged on the ceiling to get Keesha to come down. She considered running out in the hall. She had all these pent up feelings that were best expressed by simultaneously running and screaming. She needed to hug someone – anyone. She settled for jumping up and down, flailing her arms around as she screamed unintelligibly, occasionally punctuated by, "THEY DID IT!" Words were insufficient to express her feelings.

She had suspected Keesha would ignore her, because Keesha didn't care about baseball, so she called Ralphie, as tradition dictated. The person whose team won always called the person who was about to be trash talked. It made no sense for the loser to call the winner, only to have failure mercilessly rubbed in.

Ralphie wasn't looking forward to this call; the Phils hadn't even made the playoffs, and the Red Sox had gone all the way as a wildcard. He'd felt somewhat obligated to root for the Cardinals because they played by the correct rules, but he'd also bought into the rising excitement of seeing the 86 year-old curse be broken. Still, he answered. "Congrats."

Phoebe yelled a whole lot of barely intelligible things, the gist of which Ralphie picked out as: "The curse is broken! Whose team is stupid now, Tennelli?!" Baseball conversations usually involved referring to the other party by his or her last name for reasons neither of them understood.

"I'm happy for you." Ralphie said calmly.

"The Cardinals are the Yankees of the Midwest." Phoebe added.

"No they're not. They don't use a designated hitter, which is an insult to baseball."

"Oh come on, Ralphie. People want to see good hitters. Pitchers can't hit their way out of a paper bag."

"If you're a pro, you should be able to play the whole game, not just offense or defense."

"You know what?" Phoebe couldn't believe she was having this old argument when she had the best way to shut it down. "Call me when your team has won a World Series this century."

"That was harsh, Terese."

"It's not my fault your team didn't make the playoffs."

"We'll have our day. Mark my words."

Phoebe sighed happily. "This is the best Christmas present ever."

"It's October."

"Shh. I don't care."

* * *

**October 31, 2004  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"This is going to be awesome, like when we dressed up like the Bee Gees." Carlos said as he adjusted his fake mustache. "Put the glasses on."

"You know it's not going to be the same since we're not all together, right?" Tim asked, pulling on the brown suit jacket. He wasn't going to get back into the old argument that there were three Bee Gees, none of whom were black or Latino. Somehow they'd pulled that costume off, and he hoped this would be the same. "Do you think people will even know who we are?"

"Come on. Everyone knows _Anchorman_." Carlos said. His computer made a ringing noise. "They're calling!" He accepted the video call and he and Tim stood in view of the webcam.

"Everyone, come see how good I look!" Arnold called. He'd made himself look as much like Ron Burgundy as he could. His hair was perfect. "Don't act like you're not impressed."

"This was an awesome idea." Ralphie said. "You guys look ridiculous."

"It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good." Carlos quoted.

"60 percent of the time, it works every time." Ralphie recited.

"You're Champ. Stick to your lines." Carlos argued.

"I love… carpet. I love… desk." Tim said. "I love lamp."

"Do you really love the lamp or are you just saying it because you saw it?" Arnold asked.

"Hey, is DA going to be Veronica Corningstone?" Tim wondered.

"It's anchor_man_, not anchor_lady_. And that's a scientific fact." Ralphie asserted.

"Much better." Carlos thought Ralphie looked ridiculous with the cowboy hat, but Champ's effusive love of Ron fit Ralphie and Arnold better than anyone.

"We make pretty much the best news team ever." Carlos grinned. "I don't think Walkerville could handle all of us at once."

* * *

**November 24, 2004  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

"So this is like MySpace, but only for college students?" Wanda asked.

"Yeah. You have friends at other schools, right?" Tiffany knew the answer. She was trying to make Wanda look slightly cooler to the other girls in the house.

"Oh yeah." Wanda said as she entered in her major. "I'm going to add all my friends from back home. You should, too. Remember Arnold?"

"Oh yeah!" Tiffany said. "He was so cute!"

"He's really pretty now. Man-pretty." Wanda explained. Everything was going according to plan. Being far away from her friends meant she had to get used to the long con, but patience could be learned.

"You really think the one thing people should know about you is 'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,' don't you?" Tiffany laughed.

"Damn right." Wanda said. After uploading a picture and adding pretty much everyone from her school that was on Facebook, she searched for her friends. Of course Carlos was there and he had a small icon on his profile indicating that he was online.

"You're friends with him too?" Tiffany asked. "Why does his profile say that he was 'born a poor black child' and that he's from Mississippi? What does that even mean?"

"It's probably from a movie." Wanda said as she added Keesha as a friend. "We were all in third grade together. We're still pretty tight."

"That's awesome." Tiffany said. "I've got to go to the airport, remember?"

"Right. Thanksgiving." Wanda sighed. She was staying at school because she could only handle her family's crazy twice a year. "What the hell is a poke?"

"What?" Tiffany asked.

"Why is Carlos poking me? What does this mean?!" Wanda got increasingly agitated the more she thought about it. "How can he poke me from Philly?"

"It's the internet, Wanda." Tiffany sighed. "Will you give me a ride to the airport?"

"One second." Wanda smiled evilly as she went to write on Carlos's wall. He'd just started _A Storm of Swords_, now that everyone else was done with it. It was time he got a taste of his own medicine.

_Robb and Lady Stark get killed by that dirty old Frey guy. He locks them in a room and kills them and all their friends. Everyone you ever cared about in that book dies. You're welcome. – Wanda _

Wanda could imagine the rattling wail Carlos was making on the other side of the country, and it amused her.

* * *

**December 8, 2004  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

It had been a long and terrible semester, and Keesha was fed up with it. Phoebe's running gear had gone missing, fliers for her programs had ended up in the freshman boys' hall, and all the furniture for the common rooms in the entire building had ended up in Phoebe's floor's lounge. Keesha hated to admit to being wrong, but when her new boyfriend had mentioned that a red-haired girl was seen moving one of the flame-retardant couches into the lounge, Keesha knew exactly what she had to do. She caught Janet in the commons and backed her up against a wall.

"Look, Janet." Keesha said sternly. "I know what you've been doing."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Janet was literally backed against a wall, a position she hated to be in. Keesha wasn't physically intimidating, but definitely loud.

"You've been harassing Phoebe for years. You spoiled _Lost_."

"I just mentioned that Ethan wasn't on the plane." Janet shrugged. "And Phoebe happened to be there. It's not my fault she hadn't seen the latest episode."

"You knew she hadn't seen it. Why do you try to ruin everything? It's not like Phoebe's dating Arnold anymore."

"You know how easy she is to mess with?" Janet laughed.

"Stop it." Keesha said firmly.

"Why are you doing her dirty work?"

"Because Phoebe's too nice to corner you and threaten violence." Keesha raised an eyebrow.

"Want me to start messing with your boyfriend instead?" Janet narrowed her eyes. "I can do a whole different realm of things to him. What's his name again? Cory?"

"Don't even threaten it." Keesha clenched her teeth.

"I'm warning you not to cross me. Whoever is messing with Phoebe is doing harmless things."

"You're going to drive her crazy."

"She's driving herself crazy." Janet grinned. "Back off or I go after the boy."

* * *

**December 13, 2004  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"This o chem final is going to kill me." Ralphie whined. When he'd thought of his 21st birthday, the hardest final in his life isn't what he'd dreamed of.

"You'll do fine." DA said.

"Not med school fine. I have to ace this if I'm going to get an A and keep my 4.0."

"Why do you want to go to med school, anyway?" Arnold asked.

"I don't know anymore." Ralphie said. He looked around and lowered his voice. "Look, maybe it's good that I'm not getting an A in o chem."

"Why?" Arnold asked.

"I've been thinking. Med school is four years, then there's the residency – that's at least four more years. I'd be 30 by the time I could even see you guys again."

"You could see us." DA tried.

Ralphie shook his head. "Too busy. My mom told me she didn't have time for anything in med school. She missed her friends' weddings and stuff. She never slept. She isn't friends with anyone she didn't go to med school with." The door flew open and Kim came in.

"I thought you were meeting me at the Union before your test." She ignored Arnold and DA.

"I wanted to talk to my friends. I'm not going to get an A in o chem."

"Then you can retake it. Don't you want to get into a decent med school?"

"I don't want to go to med school. I can't give up ten years of my life –"

"Stop being so selfish!" Kim yelled. "You'd give up ten years of your life to save other people's lives."

"I don't want to go into huge amounts of debt and give up my twenties for something I'm not sure about!" Ralphie yelled back. "You're the one who had this bright idea that I should be a doctor and move away from everyone. Maybe I have my own ideas about how to live my life. Maybe I want to live in Philly."

"You've got to move away from home sometime." Kim said.

"I'm in Pittsburgh right now. This isn't home."

"You're only here because your mom made you."

"So moving somewhere my girlfriend makes me is fine?" Ralphie argued.

"That's different and you know it." Kim retorted. "You're going to have to cut the umbilical cord some day."

"Do you think we should leave?" DA whispered to Arnold, who shrugged. Ralphie was absolutely furious.

"You're just jealous because my mom actually cares about me."

"Your mom is a bitch." Kim spat the words out. Arnold and DA glanced at each other quickly. There was no way this could end well. Ralphie was huffing with anger.

He was angry enough that the only retort he could think of was from _Anchorman_. "MY MOM IS A SAINT." He screamed. "Get out of here. We're done."

"Fine, whatever!" Kim put her hands up. "I'm sorry I insulted your mom, okay?"

Ralphie knew she wasn't sorry. "I said we're done. Leave."

"You'll be back." Kim shook her head.

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Asshole." Kim slammed the door.

DA cleared her throat. "Your final." She said to Ralphie.

He took a deep breath. "Another fantastic birthday."

"I think this one was better than the last few." Arnold pointed out.

"We'll see how this goes." Ralphie picked up his backpack.

"Breathe, Ralphie. You'll do just fine. You know this." DA encouraged.

"And once you're done, I can watch you drink." Arnold offered. "I did it for DA."

"Thanks, guys." Ralphie smiled and left.

* * *

**December 31, 2004  
****Tim's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

This year had been insane, but it was about to end like all the others – at the New Years' Eve party in Tim's basement. Wanda had insisted on bringing alcohol, since "most of us are 21 anyway."

"You're not 21 until April." Arnold said.

"You know what adults do at New Years' Eve parties? They drink. And we're adults now." Wanda handed him a beer. "Sorry I didn't bring any margarita mix."

DA groaned. "I'm never having tequila again."

"But I invited some friends." Wanda said. Finally, the result of her scheming would come to fruition. She decided that the drama of the last year had to build up to a point, and she wasn't going to have that point be Ralphie dumping his terrible girlfriend in front of Arnold and DA. She needed to witness the pinnacle of drama, so it had to be tonight.

"Who? Wanda, why are you inviting people to my house?" Tim sighed.

"To see what happens." Wanda smirked. "Besides, they're people you know. Like Tiffany."

"Hey losers." Janet appeared at the door from the stairs.

"What is she doing here?" Keesha demanded.

"Isn't she the girl that was stealing the furniture?" Cory asked her. "How'd she get invited here?"

"She's my cousin." Arnold sighed. This party was going to be interesting. He hated Wanda messing with things like this. Wanda tapped her fingers together in that scheming super villain gesture she did.

"Wanda found me on Facebook and told me about this party." Janet shrugged. "I figured it might be worth crashing. You're all as ugly as I remember."

"You really should have a better personality to make up for your face." Carlos retorted. Janet looked taken aback, and took a minute to think of a retort.

Tim had to process this. All his friends were here, plus Keesha's boyfriend, who was out of his element. He hadn't realized how deeply weird the group's dynamic was. Janet had shown up, and Tiffany was on her way. It was chaotic with everyone around, and Ralphie had found the karaoke machine.

"If I'd known this was a 'bring everyone you know' deal, I would've invited Mikey to watch him hit on DA." Carlos whispered to Tim. "You know what? Maybe I will. Oh look, I still have Harry Arm's number…"

"Ralphie, you need to stay away from the karaoke machine." DA insisted, unplugging the machine before he could sing too much.

"But I wasn't to the good part yet." Ralphie pouted.

"The part where you sing about being a butterfly?" Arnold asked.

"Shut up. Let's play Halo."

* * *

**later that night…**

Tim was simultaneously flattered that so many people would come to a party at his house and alarmed at how bizarre the addition of people on the periphery of the group made things. He supposed he'd somewhat bought into DA's theory, especially after Stephanie hadn't worked out. It hadn't taken much alcohol for everyone to loosen up. Ralphie and Arnold were playing Halo 2 and both sucked about equally at it, especially because they were both drunk. Keesha and DA were heckling them, while Tiffany was trying to join them to be close to Arnold. Carlos was putting the moves on Janet, interestingly enough, and Wanda was flirting with Harry Arm, who was on a football scholarship to Quaker State. Mikey was trying to muster up the courage to tell DA how he felt.

"This is nuts." Phoebe said, sipping her orange soda and watching Arnold's character run into walls.

"I don't know why I don't kick them off the TV so we can watch _Anchorman_ or something." Tim mused.

"They're too bad at it. It's fun to watch." Phoebe said.

"Don't let Arnold hear you say he's bad. That's how the Homecoming fight started." Tim smiled.

"Yeah." Phoebe sighed. "High school was fun." It had been almost a year since she and Arnold had broken up, and she'd felt a whole range of feelings from anger to sadness, but now she just felt hollow.

"You've had kind of a hard year, right?" Tim asked.

"Yeah. It's mostly Perlstein-related." Phoebe smiled. She was glad that she could count on Tim to be so considerate. "Why aren't you drinking?"

"Why aren't you?" Tim asked.

"I'm not 21." Phoebe shrugged. Tim couldn't help noticing that he had started to like Phoebe. She was just so – nice. He was used to being around Carlos and sarcastic Stephanie, and Phoebe was a breath of fresh air.

"It's 11:50, guys," DA announced. "Stop sucking at Halo so we can watch the ball drop."

Carlos stifled a giggle, and he and Janet exchanged a look.

"Don't you even dare to say something lewd." DA stared at him. She considered her options for midnight. Mikey seemed to adore her, something she'd never had before. She sat next to him on the couch. She hadn't made good choices in men by picking the ones she liked. Maybe she'd have better luck by choosing guys that liked her. "Hey."

"Enjoying yourself?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's kind of nice to have people besides our little group here, you know?"

"I'm glad I got invited. You know I've had a crush on you for years, right?"

"I know." DA smiled. Mikey was 19. She remembered how young and stupid she'd been at that age. "Do you like me or just the idea of being with me?"

"Both." Mike said sincerely.

"Dude, your friends are weird." Cory hissed to Keesha. "Why are you so close again?"

"We all went to elementary school together." Keesha started. "It's hard to explain."

"Some of your friends are jerks." Cory looked at Carlos.

"He's not so bad." Keesha shrugged. "You just have to learn how to deal with him. Throwing things works." She tossed an empty red cup at his head.

"What's that for?" Carlos demanded.

"Watch yourself," Keesha's eyes darted to Janet.

"Come on, Keesha," Janet smirked. "You're just jealous."

Keesha laughed so hard she fell off the couch. Ralphie took his spot next to Cory.

"Um. Hi." Cory said.

"Being single is the best thing that's ever happened to me. EVER." Ralphie enthused, spreading out as far as he could. "I feel so free."

"Okay." Cory stood up so Ralphie could have the whole couch to himself.

"You're plastered, Ralphie." Arnold remarked before turning to Tiffany. "Are you moving back to Philly once you're done?"

"Maybe," she smiled coyly. "I hope to move to New York. You're going to law school?"

"Yeah, I've sent out applications. Now to play the waiting game."

"Maybe we'll end up by each other." Tiffany said, twisting a strand of her short hair. Arnold was indeed a lot better looking than he'd been in high school. Wanda had undersold him, if anything. "Wouldn't that be great?"

"It would," Arnold said. He hadn't felt butterflies like this for a girl in a long time. It felt good to feel giddy again.

Wanda was sitting in Harry's lap in one of the recliners. "I won't get picked in the draft," Harry sighed. "We're not going to a bowl game or anything."

"That sucks," Wanda leaned her head against him. As long as she didn't kiss him, she wasn't cheating on Brett. Of course, she hadn't mentioned Brett to Harry, either. Her plan had been to create drama in everyone else's lives, not her own. She hated it when her plans backfired, which happened quite a bit, if she was honest.

"It's okay. I'm going to be a gym teacher. Remember Mr. Sinew?"

"Yes!" Wanda laughed. "He ruined all those shirts."

"He was the best teacher I ever had. I want to make a difference like that." Harry didn't usually admit all this stuff to people, but he had a feeling Wanda would understand.

"That's awesome. I'm going to be on TV." Wanda liked Harry, probably more than she liked Brett. This was a problem.

"This is absolutely crazy." Tim looked around the room.

"Who would have thought that alcohol and a few new faces would mean everyone would hook up?" Phoebe asked.

"That actually sounds really predictable."

"I was being funny." Phoebe took a sip of her soda again. She sucked at being funny. Tim laughed. A delayed reaction was better than no reaction. Despite the general craziness that came with cramming thirteen people in his basement and giving them alcohol, people seemed happy. This year had been difficult, and now everyone was relaxing. Phoebe noticed that she and Tim were pretty much the only sober people – Keesha wasn't 21 either, but she was "close enough," and was drunkenly explaining something to Cory.

In the final minutes of 2004, it was easy to believe that everything bad was behind them. Their high school relationships had each dissolved, and judging by the couples cozying up to each other, a new era was about to begin. Carlos and Janet hadn't waited until midnight to start making out, and DA looked like she was finally going to let Mikey kiss her.

"I hope this doesn't mean Janet will come over all the time." Tim remarked to Phoebe.

"She's the worst." Phoebe sighed. "But if she's with Carlos, she might leave me alone."

Cory had a bad feeling about Keesha and her friends. Sure, Keesha was awesome, but her group of friends seemed impermeable. He was the only one there who hadn't gone to Walker Elementary, and he never thought he'd feel like he went to the wrong elementary school.

Arnold couldn't believe that Tiffany was so into him. She'd grown her hair out in high school, but cut it short again in college, so she looked like an older version of the girl he'd been obsessed with in elementary school. Plus, she was graduating in a few months and moving back east. A relationship was entirely feasible. Tiffany chose to ignore that Wanda was apparently acquiring herself a new lover, and focused on Arnold, who was a lot more muscular than she'd expected for someone so lean. Finally, at midnight, they kissed. It was exciting and romantic and had only taken a little bit of alcohol for it to happen. Arnold felt slightly guilty that he was relieved – there was life after Phoebe.

"I think this is at least double the previous record of people making out in my basement." Tim remarked.

"Happy New Year." Phoebe sighed.

"What's wrong?" Tim asked.

"I just didn't think I'd end this year single."

"Do you have to?" Tim asked. They stared at each other for a moment before Tim leaned in and kissed her. Phoebe was surprised, but set her soda down. She'd come in to this party an anxious wreck, especially when she'd heard Janet would be there. Tim had a gift for defusing situations, and it had worked here. It could work. Besides, he'd been so nice to her. The longer they kissed, the more sense this made.

Everything was going to be okay. She wasn't going to be alone, after all.

Ralphie didn't care that everyone was making out around him. As long as they weren't making out on him, he was fine. He wondered for a second where Kim was, before remembering that he really didn't care. Being single was the best.

* * *

**author's note**: hooray for writing ships I haven't written before!

**References &amp; things I don't own:** title comes from the Curse of the Bambino, or Boston's trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees, which is why they supposedly weren't able to win a World Series.

The guys dressing up as characters from _Anchorman _comes with liberal amounts of _Anchorman_ quotes.

"eleventy billion dollars" … "That's not even a real number." … "Yet" is from the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch on _Saturday Night Live _from 4/15/2000.

I most definitely don't own anything related to the World Series or Major League Baseball.

Facebook hit the colleges the gang's schools are based on in November 2004. I don't own any part of it.

There's a reference to "Milkshake" by Kelis in there. Three guesses as to where it is.

Carlos's "About Me" is "I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi..." This is from _The Jerk_.

The events Wanda recounts to Carlos's wall are the events of the Red Wedding in _A Storm of Swords_.

"My mom is a saint!" is, of course, based on "Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!" which is another line from _Anchorman_.

I still don't own _Lost_.

The song where Ralphie sings about being a butterfly is "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," by Elton John.

Mr. Sinew appears in _Works Out_.

When will Ralphie start going by Ralph? What three songs were Wanda's friends dancing to? What colors end in "urple"? Who put the question mark in the teleprompter? Will Carlos stop poking Wanda? Did Ralphie's rage fuel him to ace his final after all? Will Carlos buy Janet the extra best thermos that he can buy? Will the gang be sober in the next chapter? Will Brett and Harry have a duel over Wanda? Will the rest of the fic be nothing but _Anchorman_ quotes?

Up next: The after effects of the party, the rest of the gang turns 21, they start thinking about what happens after college, and we find out what song is Wanda's jam.


	11. fear and loathing

**chapter 10: fear and loathing**

**January 13, 2005  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Phoebe returned to college with a spring in her step. She had reason to believe that Janet was distracted by her boyfriend's roommate – and she had a boyfriend again. She and Tim had been together for nearly two weeks, and she was completely okay with him not being Arnold. He had introduced her to _Arrested Development_, starring Arnold's mother, and he'd been surprised at how much she liked it.

Being with Tim was not something she'd ever expected. Then again, she'd only been with Arnold, whom she'd had a crush on for ages before they finally started dating. Tim happened out of nowhere, and she'd been surprised at how easily she could be so involved with someone she'd never really considered before.

She couldn't help but compare and contrast Arnold and Tim – Arnold was charming and nice. He had his preppy good looks and his sensitive resolve going for him. Tim was taller and handsome, and could be deeply reflective one moment and bitingly sarcastic the next. Both were logical, so she supposed she had a type.

* * *

**January 15, 2005  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"She remembered my birthday!" Arnold grinned as he opened the envelope with pristine handwriting.

"Aww," Ralphie exaggerated. "That's so precious."

"Shut up." Arnold was completely smitten. His long-forgotten dream of getting together with Tiffany Woods had finally come true.

"Two weeks isn't a long time to remember a birthday." Ralphie shrugged. "That's all I'm saying."

Arnold looked straight at Ralphie. "Remember what you were like after you got together with Keesha?"

Ralphie looked down. "Yes." He'd been idiotically elated to get together with his childhood crush. He'd done several stupid things and had been insufferably twitterpated.

"And how much shit did I give you about it?"

"None."

"That's right. So can it." Arnold smiled.

"You were too distracted by Phoebe. You would've given me all kinds of shit if you'd been at leisure to do so."

"Then get a hobby. There's got to be a knitting circle or something." Arnold said.

"I'm sharing in your excitement." Ralphie explained. "What does the card say?"

"I don't think you're supposed to know."

"Did she send you naked pictures or something?" Ralphie tried to grab the card.

"Hey!" Arnold jerked it away from him. "That's my girlfriend's naked pictures you're excited about."

"So there _are_ naked pictures in there!"

"No." Arnold looked at the card. There was a picture of the two of them from the party, though. He was a little glad there wasn't a naked picture of Tiffany – it would be too easy for it to fall into the wrong hands. Then again, it would have been exciting to make sure the picture stayed private.

"I can't believe this actually happened, you know?" Arnold grinned.

"That's pretty awesome." Ralphie was genuinely happy for Arnold. He'd deserved something good to happen to him. Breaking up with Phoebe had been difficult, even if it was the right thing to do. Arnold knew he'd always love her somehow. Maybe now that they each were paired up they'd be able to be friends. He couldn't imagine his life without Phoebe. He wondered how Tiffany would handle that.

"Things are finally coming together. I think I have a decent shot at some good law schools, I'm dating the girl I've wanted for the longest time…"

"Your best friend is probably the coolest person ever," Ralphie added.

"And then there's you." Arnold laughed.

"Please tell me you didn't just make Tim your best friend."

"Nope." Arnold said. "Carlos."

* * *

**January 17, 2005  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"Can we talk about New Year's?" Carlos asked. Things had finally settled down enough and he'd sorted through his thoughts to figure things out with Tim.

"What's there to talk about?" Tim wondered. "I mean, everyone got together and we're all living happily ever after."

"Right, I got that." Carlos tried not to be exasperated. "Don't you think it's weird that DA hooked up with Mikey?"

"Dude, your ship sailed with her." Tim explained. "You two had that fling, right?"

"Right." Carlos had tried to keep it under wraps, but Tim and found him and DA making out on New Years' Eve. Tim, unlike Carlos, was able to keep a secret.

"And you dumped her."

"Yeah."

"And now you're confused because she's going after Mikey?"

"Well, yeah!" Carlos said. "I mean, she didn't want to get with me for a long time. I still don't understand what changed."

"She knew you'd listen and you wouldn't tell. You two have an understanding."

"I guess we do." Carlos shrugged. "And it's super weird to see her acknowledging Mikey. It's just... wrong."

"You're sure you're not jealous." Tim raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. I just want to know what it is about my family that's so damn irresistible." Carlos thought a moment. "I have a few ideas, I just need confirmation."

Tim laughed. "Look, I don't know what's going on with her either."

"No one does. I don't think she even knows."

"Shouldn't you be thinking about someone else? What the hell is up with you and Janet?"

"Yeah, that was random." Carlos said. "I don't like to think about things, you know? I just like letting them happen."

"And that hasn't bitten you in the ass yet?"

"Nope."

"That's miraculous."

"I'm like a cat," Carlos shrugged. "I always land on my feet."

* * *

**January 25, 2005  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

"Wanda!" Brett called down the hall to her.

"Shit." Wanda wished she'd stayed just a little longer in her class, but she had a feeling Brett was following her. She'd been avoiding him as of late. She leaned back against the brick wall in an effort to be casual. "Oh, hey."

"Where have you been? Why haven't you answered my calls?" Brett put a hand up next to her and leaned in.

"I've been busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Class. You know."

"Is everything okay?" Brett looked concerned.

Wanda bit the inside of her cheek. "I guess."

"You need to talk to me." Brett urged. "Come on, whatever it is, we can get through it."

Wanda stared at a point to the left of his hip. "I may or may not have cheated on you."

"Well… did you?" Brett's eyebrows knit together.

"A little. Yes."

"Why?" He asked.

Wanda could feel the wheels in her head turning. During the past couple of weeks, she'd convinced herself that she liked Brett a lot. He was, after all, still the sexiest pirate on Greek Row. They'd been through a lot together, and it would take a lot of effort to train a new boyfriend. "I got confused. I missed you." She slid her hands around his waist and pulled him close to her. "Forgive me, baby?"

Brett couldn't say no to her.

* * *

**January 30, 2005  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"Do you know what day it is?" Ralphie asked, sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall. He wasn't really doing anything except staring, which unnerved Arnold.

"Sunday?" Arnold asked.

"It's Keesha's birthday." Ralphie was smiling too much - it was weird.

"Wait – you remembered someone's birthday?" Arnold wondered. Everyone knew the Tennellis sucked at remembering dates.

"Her screen name gave it away, so I called her. I seem like Mr. Thoughtful Friend, and she's happy. Easy."

"Okay." Arnold shrugged.

"And you know what? I don't have to do anything else about it, because I'm not her boyfriend. I'm nobody's boyfriend, and this kicks ass."

Arnold sighed. Single Ralphie was an even bigger pain in the ass than regular Ralphie. Really, Ralphie having an abundance of feelings about anything made him harder to deal with. Playoffs in pretty much any sport where a Philadelphia team was involved were torture. Unfortunately for Arnold, the Eagles were doing really well on top of Ralphie's elation at being single.

"Do you know when Kim's birthday is?" Ralphie prodded. "Probably not, and you don't care, and neither do I!"

"Quit it, Ralphie." Arnold sighed and turned back to his computer. "I get that you love being single."

"It's the best. And the Eagles –"

Fortunately, DA arrived before Ralphie could continue. "What's going on?" She asked.

"Ralphie is going off about how great it is to be single again."

"Ugh." DA shook her head. "It's not all it's cracked up to be. I'd much rather having a doting boyfriend."

"So you like Mikey because he dotes on you?" Ralphie asked.

"Who wouldn't love their own personal fan club?"

"And you adore him too, right?" Arnold asked skeptically. He prided himself on his cutting rhetorical questions. As Phoebe pointed out, he had a gift for calling people on their shit. He'd make the best lawyer.

"He's cute, I guess." DA sat in Ralphie's desk chair. "He's smart and has plans."

"Those are all things I could say about a dog." Ralphie observed, to DA's disgust.

"But he's acting like you hung the moon." Arnold added.

"Don't I deserve to be treated well for once?" DA argued. "I mean, Troy used me and tossed me aside, Carlos is an asshole..."

"I'm not going to disagree with you on that one." Arnold interrupted. "But aren't you using Mikey, just like Troy used you?"

"Oooh," Ralphie sat up straighter.

"Shut up, Ralphie." DA glared at him, and he drew his shoulders up around his ears.

"You're using Mikey to make you feel better about yourself." Arnold said. "That's just not right."

_Dammit,_ DA thought. _Arnold's right._ She hated to admit it, especially because Ralphie always agreed with Arnold. Worse, Ralphie was already feeling smug about being single. The last thing she needed was Ralphie being doubly smug.

"You're right." She said softly.

"What?" Ralphie asked, hoping to draw out a loud confession.

"Shut up." Arnold said, then turned back to DA. "I heard you. So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know. What should I do?"

"You should be single!" Ralphie exclaimed.

DA glared at him.

"Or not. Fine." Ralphie leaned back against the wall.

"Ralphie's actually right."

"What?" Ralphie sat back up. "Say it louder."

"No." Arnold turned back to DA. "You've got to break it off with him. If you don't like him, it's not fair to string him along."

DA sighed heavily. "I hate relationships. They're too complicated."

"This isn't complicated, though." Arnold insisted. "Besides, doesn't you being with Mikey contradict your theory?"

"No!" DA argued. "He was on the field trips. He's in on it. He's part of the theory."

"Whatever, you just don't want to be wrong." Ralphie said. Arnold nodded.

"Seriously, DA, stop using Mikey."

"Arnold will dump him for you." Ralphie offered.

"I only do that for you." Arnold said.

"You guys can dump each others' girlfriends?" DA was incredulous. Arnold and Ralphie stared back at her, equally incredulous that she thought it was weird.

"Why not?" Arnold asked.

"It's checks and balances." Ralphie added.

"You two have the weirdest relationship I've ever seen." DA shook her head.

"I'm taking that as a compliment." Ralphie said.

"You would." DA laughed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just let her have her snarky remarks." Arnold said. "She's facing a breakup."

"Do I have to do it now?" DA asked.

"Yes." Ralphie said.

"Seriously?" DA appealed to Arnold.

"You heard him, go call Mikey." Arnold said.

"Why do I hang out with you guys again?" DA wondered aloud. "You make my life so much more complicated."

"We're awesome, for one." Ralphie said.

"And good looking." Arnold added.

"Not to mention hilarious."

"And you have no choice." Arnold grinned.

"You know, because of the theory." Ralphie explained after a second.

"I caught that, thanks." DA smiled sardonically at Ralphie and stood up.

"Good luck," Arnold said.

"If you need to listen to man hating music and eat ice cream..." Ralphie started.

DA smiled. Maybe the guys weren't so bad after all.

"... I hear the traffic to Philly isn't too bad this time of day. That shit is right up Phoebe's alley."

"You're such a pain in the ass." She said before leaving to go see Mikey.

* * *

**February 6, 2005  
****Carlos's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

"God. Dammit." Carlos dropped his head back onto the back of the couch as Phoebe sprang up and started hooting and dancing. He'd hoped hosting a Super Bowl party and decking his parents' house out in green, black, and silver would have clinched the win for the Eagles. He'd driven Tim all the way from New Jersey and got the guys to come out from Pittsburgh for this. He'd invited all his friends over, and they'd mostly obliged for the commercials and the food. Everyone except Wanda had made it, with Janet making them an even eight. Unfortunately, the game hadn't gone his way.

"Why'd it have to be the Patriots?" Ralphie whined as Phoebe danced around the living room. He shook his head at her. "First the World Series, now this? I hate you so much right now."

"Another win for New England!" Phoebe crowed. "How many championships does that make? And how many do the Eagles have?"

"YOU SHUT UP." Carlos pointed. Ralphie shook his head angrily. Keesha and Tim looked at each other and shrugged.

"I take it that means zero?" Tim asked. Arnold nodded.

"Shut up, Tim." Carlos glared at him. "Don't you jump on your girlfriend's bandwagon."

"Philly is still the birthplace of democracy." Ralphie threw chips at Phoebe out of sadness and to try to deter her terrible dancing.

"Just keep telling yourself that. I can't hear you over the number of championship titles the Pats have." Phoebe taunted.

"Excessive celebration. I'm throwing you out of the house if you don't stop right now." Carlos said.

"You know you did this to DA after the Vikings lost." Phoebe argued, but to everyone's relief, she stopped dancing. "This is just revenge."

"Thanks, Pheebs." DA grinned. She'd worn a Vikings jersey to the party and caught a lot of heat for it. She'd been hesitant about going to the Ramons' after the breakup, but Mikey was still in Pittsburgh.

Keesha was hoping the party was going to be over soon. She'd knit an entire beanie in the duration of the game. Tim didn't know what to do – apparently his girlfriend also cared about football when Boston was involved. He supposed he'd have to start trying to care about sports after all. At least the commercials had been sufficiently amusing. He was concerned that Wanda would freak when she found out everyone got together without her, but here they were anyway. Wanda would have to get over it.

"Why do you care so much?" Janet asked. "It's just a game."

"You shouldn't have said that." Tim warned softly.

"What?!" Carlos demanded. "Where have you been all season? You know how much I care about this!"

"Are we going to witness another breakup?" Arnold asked DA softly.

"Shut up." Ralphie hissed. "I get to watch this one. Pass the chips."

"I was joking!" Janet backpedaled. "I know how important this is. We're not breaking up."

"Damn." Arnold said.

* * *

**March 7, 2005  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Phoebe asked as she put a duffel bag of clothes in the van.

"I'm coming with you, she can't hurt you." Keesha assured her.

"She can, though." Phoebe's eyes were wide. "She's going to mess with my head."

Keesha sighed. "Try not being paranoid for a second. You need to stop re-reading those books. They make you think that everyone is scheming against you."

"It's not paranoia; it's anxiety, and it's not like I can turn it off." Phoebe explained. Another person might have snapped at Keesha - Phoebe's taking a stand still seemed so nice. "And reading the books makes me feel better."

"Sorry," Keesha said. "Here she is."

"Ready for the long and exotic drive into New Jersey?" Janet asked, dragging her wheeled bag behind her.

"Sure." Phoebe nodded.

"We can be friends. It'll be fun." Janet put her arm around Phoebe, who tensed up every muscle she could think of. "And Keesha here can be the fifth wheel."

"Goody." Keesha climbed in the front seat. "Get in the back."

"Do you have any snacks?" Janet wondered.

"It's an hour drive."

"What if there's traffic?"

"Then it's longer than an hour." Keesha explained. "You'll live without snacks."

* * *

**longer than an hour later, in New Jersey...**

"God, I am so hungry!" Janet whined. Phoebe jumped out of the car as fast as she could, and ran up to Tim.

"You made it!" Tim exclaimed, hugging Phoebe.

"I'm so glad to see you." Phoebe sighed.

"Is it because you like me or because you want to get away from Janet?"

"Yes." She whispered. Tim laughed.

Keesha watched the couples' amorous reunions. Tim and Phoebe were kissing, and Carlos and Janet looked like they should probably get a room. She thought about driving back to Philly. Spring break in Jersey was actually pretty lame, now that she thought about it. "Um, where are we staying?"

"Oh, right." Carlos said. "There's a cheap motel for you down the street."

"Come on, Phoebe." She grabbed Phoebe's arm and pulled her away from Tim. "Let's check into our sleazy motel."

"Okay. See you soon!" She said to Tim.

"You two are going to make me puke." Keesha rolled her eyes.

"I'm not staying with them in some cheap motel." Janet said indignantly. "I thought I could stay with you two." She batted her eyelashes at Tim.

"Wait, are you hitting on Tim?" Carlos asked.

"No!" Janet exclaimed. "What would give you that idea?"

"Your face gives me that idea." Carlos said. "Are you trying to pit us against each other?"

Janet shrugged. "I just wanted to see what my options were."

"Gross." Tim said. "No offense, Carlos."

"None taken," Carlos looked askance at Janet. "I guess you can sleep on the couch. Is that okay, Tim?"

"I guess." Tim sighed. "At least she won't be antagonizing Phoebe as much that way." He whispered to Carlos, who nodded.

"What are you whispering about?" Janet asked. "Do you want to have a little fun before they get back?" She looked back and forth at both of the guys. "Either of you?"

_I've made a huge mistake. _Carlos thought.

* * *

**April 18, 2005  
****Some bar  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda got herself all dolled up to go to the bar for the first time as a legal, drinking adult. After she showed her ID and the bouncer wished her a happy birthday, she turned to Tiffany. "You know what? This isn't as fun anymore now that it's legal."

"I kept forgetting you weren't 21." Tiffany laughed. Wanda had convinced Brett that they'd meet up with him later. She still wasn't totally sure how she felt about him. After their first round of shots, Tiffany decided to get down to serious topics. "What's up with you and Brett? He knows about New Years' Eve, right?"

"He knows." Wanda shrugged. "He didn't seem to care."

"What did you tell him?"

"That I missed him."

"But you didn't." Tiffany laughed. "You were so wrapped up in what Harry thought. I used to have the biggest crush on him, you know. I always tried to sit near him."

"Sounds like Phoebe." Wanda blurted.

"Phoebe… the skinny one?" Tiffany wondered.

"Yeah." Wanda took a drink. "She used to follow Arnold around and sit as close as she dared to him. That was, like, three rows away. Carlos figured it out and started asking her how things were at the grocery store, because she was a stocker. Get it?"

"That's awful." Tiffany shook her head.

Wanda laughed, remembering Phoebe's confusion turning into irritation when she realized what Carlos was doing. "Carlos tells the worst jokes."

"You keep talking about all your friends. Why did you come to California anyway?"

"To get away from my family." Wanda shrugged. She wasn't drunk enough to tell Tiffany about the theory, but she was afraid she'd get there, so she had to be careful. "I hate the cold, and California is awesome. Why'd you come here?"

"I got a great scholarship." Tiffany said, obviously holding back something herself.

"So how are things with Arnold?"

"It's complicated." Tiffany took a long drink and sat up straighter. "I've been doing a lot of thinking. I came out here – I applied to this school to get away from Walkerville. And then what happens? You show up."

"What?" Wanda asked. She had been so focused on fitting in and succeeding at college – which, of course, meant getting a hot surfer boyfriend, among other things – that she'd never considered Tiffany's perspective.

"You showed up and you were my roommate, then you started following me around."

"I thought we were friends!" Wanda recoiled.

"We are – it's just complicated." Tiffany shook her head. "I wanted a fresh start and I almost had it."

"I can relate." Wanda finished her drink. She wished she'd stayed home, and the thought reminded her of Arnold. She should have stayed in Philly so she'd never have to deal with Tiffany getting increasingly upset about something that had been brewing for years.

"I can't be defined by that stupid town. It's like a black hole. People there are just sucked back in, and I can't have that. I can't go back." Tiffany looked down at the bar, then over at Wanda. "I'm going to break up with Arnold."

"Why?" Wanda wished she didn't know this. Tiffany had no idea how much Wanda loved Arnold – even platonically. No one understood her like Arnold did, and she brought out some of the best in him, too. She felt obligated to warn him, but she couldn't betray Tiffany. "Why did you tell me that?"

"I got a job offer in New York." Tiffany beamed. "I'm going to move to the city and make a name for myself."

"But why do you need to break up with Arnold? He's great! He loves you!"

"I have a second chance at the fresh start, don't you see?" Tiffany said. "I've just been thinking that college didn't go the way I thought at all. I need to start over. I need to get away from Walkerville for good, and that means breaking it off with Arnold. Don't tell him, please?"

"You've put me in a terrible position." Wanda sighed heavily and wished she was with all of her friends again, watching Tim dominate at GoldenEye or whatever they played these days. It didn't matter. They could be watching horse races or something for all she cared. She didn't belong in California with Tiffany. She never had.

"I'm calling it off tomorrow." Tiffany assured Wanda. "I suggest you choose between Harry and Brett."

"I thought you were cutting your Walkerville ties. Does that mean me?" Wanda asked.

Tiffany looked sadly at her friend. "I'm not sure yet."

* * *

**April 19, 2005  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"She's staying friends with Wanda, but dumping me?" Arnold demanded. "How does that even make sense?"

"I don't know." Ralphie said sympathetically.

"I loved her." Arnold mused.

"I know," Ralphie was a bit unnerved – he was used to being the emotional one. "You'll bounce back, though."

"I know I will." Arnold said, even though he didn't feel like it. He'd actually seen a future with Tiffany, like he had with Phoebe. "Did I mess up when I dumped Phoebe?"

"I don't think so." Ralphie said. "I think you both needed to move on."

"She's probably the nicest person on the planet, though." Arnold said. "Maybe I deserved to get dumped by Tiffany for what I did to Phoebe."

"Then I have no idea what I'm going to get for dating Kim."

"Herpes, probably." Arnold laughed weakly.

"That shit's permanent. She wasn't that bad!" Ralphie argued.

"She was so. Ask DA." Arnold welcomed this foray into Ralphie's life – that way he didn't have to think about how miserable he was. "Why didn't you listen to us?"

"Because I'm an idiot, remember?" Ralphie smiled. "Look, man, you deserve better. If she wanted this 'fresh start' this whole time, why did she hook up with you to begin with?"

"Because I'm irresistible to women." Arnold joked.

"You could have a new girlfriend in ten minutes."

"It wouldn't take me that long."

"You'd have to sort through the dross." Ralphie smirked. "Is your evening class today or tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." Arnold said. "Why?"

"If we go to that seafood place you like now, it won't be busy."

"Are you asking me to dinner?"

"You know I won't dump you." Ralphie bargained. "And you don't have to put out."

"Whew," Arnold mocked.

"And we can be back in time to watch the Phillies game."

"That's why you want to go now." Arnold said. "You want to watch that second baseman you love."

"Chase Utley is a gift to baseball." Ralphie said seriously. "It's a new era for the Phillies."

Arnold laughed. "One day, you'll have to choose between him and me, and I'm not sure you'd choose me."

Ralphie looked pained. "Don't make me choose."

* * *

**April 30, 2005  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Have you thought about what you want to do after graduation?" Keesha's boss, Ashley, asked her.

Keesha shrugged. "Get a job?"

"Have you ever considered staying with student affairs?"

"_Hello, student affairs, which student would you like to have an affair with?" _ Keesha could almost hear Carlos mocking her.

"Maybe a little."

"You're one of our best student leaders, and I think you'd be great in administration. If you want any information about master's programs, let me know." Ashley said.

"Um, sure." Keesha said. She genuinely liked being an RA, and could handle the most difficult incidents with professionalism.

After leaving the office, she went to Phoebe's room. "Hey, do you think I'd make a good hall director?"

"Yeah!" Phoebe exclaimed. "You'd be perfect!"

"Interesting." Keesha said. "I didn't want to go to grad school, though. I'd have to keep living on campus."

"Maybe I'll get into vet school in the same place and we can be roommates again!" Phoebe said brightly.

"I don't think I could have a roommate. Sensitive information and all. But I'd get an office!"

"Whoa!"

"I KNOW!"

"You should do it." Phoebe nodded. "This is perfect for you."

Keesha smiled. She was grateful for all she and Phoebe had been through together – through losing their high school boyfriends, being bitterly single, and now both of them in committed relationships with people who weren't in Pittsburgh. They'd even survived Janet hitting on Carlos and Tim over and over on spring break. If they could survive Janet for a week, they could survive anything. Things were finally going decently well for them.

* * *

**July 30, 2005  
****Tim's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

"You guys, next time we have a big party like this, we'll all be graduated!" Wanda exclaimed.

"On New Years' Eve?" Tim asked.

"No, our next last party of the summer!" Wanda argued.

"One – that makes no sense." DA said. "Two – I'm not graduating next year." As brilliant as the combined degree program was, she dreaded being alone in Pittsburgh for a year.

Reunions of the whole gang had always been tricky. Wanda was much happier than she had been in previous gatherings. Tiffany had graduated, and now Wanda was facing a year of solitude in California. She and Brett had come to an understanding that their relationship wasn't exclusive. Everything was coming up Wanda.

"Finally, we can all drink." Carlos sighed loudly. "Jeez, Phoebe, why'd you have to be so much younger than everyone?"

"She's only two months younger than Wanda, douchebag." Tim remarked, putting an arm around Phoebe, who was already drunk, thanks to Wanda and tequila. Phoebe had been in Boston for her 21st birthday with her family, and vacations had prevented them from all getting together much until now.

The expanded gang – the gang with Janet and Harry – were all back in Tim's basement, where Tim was setting up the karaoke machine. If they were all going to be drunk, they might as well be as embarrassing as possible. Tim was proud that his party had produced more couples than prom had, and took credit for it.

"I'll start the karaoke. Do you have the best song ever?" Wanda wondered.

"What song would that be?" Tim asked.

"'Total Eclipse of the Heart.' It's my jam." She said. "Get up here if you want to be awesome." Keesha dragged Phoebe up with Wanda.

"DA!" Phoebe whined. "Come on…"

"Fine." DA sighed.

"This is going to be good." Tim remarked to Carlos, who held up a lighter, only to be tackled by Ralphie.

"Who gave him fire?!" Arnold demanded. "Carlos isn't allowed to have fire!"

"Dude, your friends are so weird." Harry shook his head.

Phoebe started crying before the first chorus, though she wasn't sure if it was because it was an emotional song, or that she was very drunk. The song was a dramatic drunken warbling, and the audience was glad when it was done.

"It can only go up from here." Arnold remarked.

* * *

**author's note**: title is from Hunter S. Thomson's most famous work, _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_. Thomson died in 2005.

**references and things I don't own: **

"I've made a huge mistake" is from _Arrested Development_.

**Coming up next, possibly the answers to the following questions: **

Who sang "Love Shack"? What does Arnold mean by "it can only go up from here?" Is it because they're in the basement?

**Also ahead**: more letters than there have been in everything else I've ever written and other shenanigans as they get ready to wrap up undergrad.


	12. dreams of things we cannot have

**chapter 11: dreams of things we cannot have**

**September 2, 2005  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"These are crazy times." Carlos mused. He insisted on wearing a party hat all day, even though, as Tim pointed out, he wasn't twelve. "I still don't remember how we ended up on your roof."

Tim laughed. "Well there's access through that window in my attic."

"But why?" Carlos asked. "Who was the drunken idiot that said, 'you know what would make this party better? If we were on the roof!'"

"That was you."

"Seriously?" Carlos took a drink of his beer. He was enjoying the break from thinking about dental school, which had pretty much been his life as of late between the admissions test, prerequisites, and lining up interviews. He was applying to Conwell University in Philadelphia, his first choice, as well as some backups. Janet was going to come to town for his birthday and had promised not to hit on Tim. "It does sound like something I'd say."

"That's because you said it." Tim decided to change the subject. "What's going to happen when we graduate?"

"I'm going to become a dentist and start wearing a leather jacket and riding a motorcycle. Obviously." Carlos said. "And you're going to design sewers."

"I'm going to do structural engineering, not sewers."

"Bridges, fine." Carlos drank his beer. "But people pee on bridges, so they're kind of like sewers."

"I can't wait until you have to deal with people whose teeth are rotting out of their heads. Then we'll see how smug you are."

* * *

**October 4, 2005  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

"So this lady had created the lake monster, and my friends and I found her out and threw it all in her face." Wanda boasted.

"You and your friends went around taking down local celebrities?" Jessica, one of her sorority sisters, asked. "Weird."

"You're weird." Wanda muttered. "No, it was fun. We went in the lake and found that it was this giant inflatable thing, and… I guess you had to be there."

"It sounds great, Wanda." Brett said. _Damn, he is beautiful but stupid_. Wanda thought. He was so clingy and optimistic, like a male Phoebe, whatever that said about Wanda. She didn't really have the heart to dump him. All she'd wanted was to prove that DA was wrong and she'd ended up with this surfer boyfriend who didn't realize she wasn't into him.

"Anyway, that's why I'm going into broadcast journalism. I like to find the truth about things." Wanda said. When she'd told DA about this plan, DA had laughed.

"You like being right in front of as many people as possible," DA had clarified. She wasn't wrong. After Tiffany graduated, Wanda was painfully aware that she didn't belong in this sorority or this college or in this state, not without her friends. If she'd planned ahead, she could've tried transferring to one of the other schools her friends were in, but that meant getting set up by her grandparents. She was grateful for the last few months of that buffer zone.

"And I've got connections back home. I'll totally be able to get a job right away." Wanda continued.

"I thought you were moving to LA." Brett wondered.

"Oh, no, I'm definitely moving back to Philly. LA is a shithole." Brett looked crestfallen. _Oh right, he's from LA_. Wanda remembered. "Brett, we've been over this." She said more quietly. She grabbed his arm and dragged him to her room. "Listen,"

"I know what you're going to say." Brett interrupted. "And I know you want to see other people, and I agreed to that. What else do you want?"

Wanda was afraid it would come to this. "We need to be over, Brett. I don't love you like you love me."

The look of sadness on Brett's face made Wanda feel like she was dumping Phoebe or one of those homeless animals on the ASCPA commercials. She could practically hear Sarah McLachlan playing.

"We had lots of fun, but it's over."

"I love you, Wanda. I listen to your stories about your friends. I'm all you've got out here." Brett pleaded. Wanda knew it was true, which was why she hadn't dumped him before. She felt like a terrible person for stringing him along like that. She was usually very good at repressing the feelings of being terrible, but every now and then they came through.

"I know, but I need to be true to myself. Even if I end up alone." Wanda resolved.

"Fine. You're digging your own grave out here – you know that, right?" Brett stood up abruptly and headed toward the door.

"Yep." Wanda bit her lip and Brett slammed the door. She reached for her phone. "Phoebe? Please tell me everything will be okay."

* * *

**November 8, 2005  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"I have it!" Phoebe ran into Keesha's room, holding a brand new hardback up. "This is why I traded away all my duty shifts."

"It's a book, Phoebe." Keesha said. "How many people did you have to trip to get it?"

"None." Phoebe said defensively. Technically the one person she'd injured was by elbowing, not by tripping. "Why aren't you excited? You've read the others. Don't you want to know what happens?!"

Keesha smiled. "It's more fun to listen to you mutter through the conspiracies and try to figure them out first."

"I do not mutter through them." Phoebe pouted. Keesha stared at her pointedly. "Fine. Come on, aren't you dying to know what happens to Tyrion?"

"He probably dies. Everyone dies." Keesha shrugged. She was less emotionally invested than Phoebe, which didn't say much. She did enjoy the books, but not as much as she enjoyed watching Phoebe obsess over them.

"Seven hells, how can you be so cruel?" Phoebe wondered.

"Go read it." Keesha sighed. "I'll see you in two days."

* * *

**November 24, 2005  
****Arnold's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

"Your cousin is applying to all the prestigious law schools; why can't you?" Mrs. Perlstein asked her son.

"Mom," Arnold started. First his parents didn't want him to be a lawyer, now they wanted him to only apply to top ten schools. He knew what would happen if he mentioned that he was avoiding schools too far away from Philly because Ralphie was unwilling to move far away again. "I just want to be closer to home this time."

"Is it because of him?" Mrs. Perlstein asked. "Please tell us that you aren't planning on being roommates with Ralphie again."

"I figured you guys would be fine with it by now." Arnold pushed his potatoes around. "We've been friends for more than ten years."

His parents exchanged a look. They'd hoped Arnold would make friends that were more like him for the last thirteen years. Ralphie came from humbler beginnings than the Perlsteins – the only son of a single mother with a gaggle of loud Italian relatives. He was also at least a quarter German, which gave the Perlsteins even more reason to hate him. Arnold half expected his parents to insist that Ralphie was the grandson of Nazi fascists, but he didn't care about his parents' prejudices. He couldn't begin to tell them how much he and Ralphie had been through together. They'd never understand.

"Ralphie's mom is a doctor. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"I guess that's better than that girl you were dating." Mr. Perlstein said. "What was her name?"

"Oh, her?" Mrs. Perlstein asked.

"Phoebe." Arnold corrected. His parents had been especially annoying when he'd been dating Phoebe, whom they'd seen as especially beneath him. Her father was a social worker, and they never had much money. "I applied to Conwell and Franklin. I thought you'd be glad to see me more often."

"Oh sure," Mr. Perlstien said. "We're always glad to see you, son."

**Meanwhile, at Ralphie's house…**

"And if I get in, maybe I can rent Aunt Brenda's house and stay there with my friends." Ralphie was explaining to his mom through bites of mashed potatoes.

"Won't your friends want to live closer to campus?"

"Nah, it'll be fine. Arnold's applying to Conwell, too."

Dr. Tennelli sighed. "I know you two are close, but I'm afraid he'll decide he's too good for you."

"I'm too good for him and he knows it." Ralphie took a big bite of stuffing. "Besides, just because his parents are snobby as shit –"

"Language, Ralph." Ralphie had hoped being an adult would exempt him from the "no swearing in front of Mom" rule. He'd been wrong.

"Sorry. Just because they're snobby doesn't mean Arnold is."

"I'm just afraid that someday he's going to decide to go into politics and all your funny hints that you have mob connections won't go over well and he'll drop you."

"Right." Ralphie laughed. "That'll never happen."

* * *

**November 25, 2005  
****The Acceptable McDonald's  
****Walkerville, PA**

"It's always nice to have some French fries the day after the biggest feast day we have in America." Tim said.

"Sure." Phoebe shrugged.

"Don't you want any fries, Phoebe?" Carlos asked, trying to yank his Diet Coke away from Janet.

"No. McDonald's is deforesting the Amazon." Phoebe explained.

"And you depriving them of two dollars really helps, doesn't it?" Janet chided. "Seriously, lighten up. You can't change the world."

"Every little bit helps." Phoebe had to change the subject. "So did you hear back from any dental schools yet, Carlos?"

"Not since the interviews."

"He applied to a school in Omaha." Tim laughed, dipping his fries into his shake. "Can you imagine Carlos in the Midwest?"

Phoebe laughed weakly.

"He'd sexy it up, wouldn't you?" Janet ran her fingers up Carlos's inner thigh.

"Not here." Carlos whispered.

"Gross." Tim said to Phoebe. "I guess I'll hear back from schools soon, too."

"Are you going to get out of Filthydelphia?" Janet snarked.

"It depends," Tim shrugged and smiled at Phoebe. The corners of her mouth came up, but she didn't really smile.

"I'm going to New York or Los Angeles – somewhere big and glamorous." Janet boasted. Phoebe felt guilty that she was looking forward to Janet possibly being on the other side of the country. She was about to encourage Janet to go to school in Singapore or something when Wanda burst in to the restaurant.

"Hey losers!" She cried. Her parents had vetoed her years-long hiatus on Thanksgiving break. She'd been glad to see her friends again, now that Tiffany was out of the picture. "What are you talking about?"

"Grad school." Phoebe said.

"You're not ready to face the real world yet, I take it." Wanda stole one of Tim's fries, and he swatted her hand. "I'm going to actually start making money, and I'm not going to let you freeload off me."

"You realize I'm going to make a shitload more money than you, right?" Janet remarked.

"But I'll make money first." Wanda laughed. "Besides, I'm working my connections over the break."

"Does that mean you're sleeping around again?" Janet's barbed questions were making Carlos increasingly uncomfortable. He'd seen what happened to guys in the group with mean girlfriends, and he didn't want to turn into Ralphie.

"Not to get a job. I'm not going to stoop to your strategy." Wanda turned to Phoebe and pointed to Janet. "If this one gets into an Ivy League school, you're going to know how that happened."

"It'd be because I'm brilliant." Janet snapped.

"On your knees, maybe." Wanda shrugged. "Want me to buy you fries, Phoebe?"

"No," Phoebe muttered.

"Oh right, the Amazon. Sorry." Wanda walked up to the counter.

"How can you be friends with that vile piece of shit?" Janet asked.

"She's entertaining." Carlos said.

"She's not a vile piece of shit." Phoebe said softly.

"Did you say something?" Janet challenged.

"Wanda's a nice person." Phoebe wouldn't take her eyes off the table in front of her. "And she's our friend, so I think you should be nice to her."

Janet laughed harder. Tim was impressed that Phoebe was sticking up for Wanda – it was as awesome as it was unexpected. "Seriously, Janet, leave Wanda alone." He said. Phoebe smiled at him.

* * *

**December 12, 2005  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"You guys know this is the second-to-last finals week we have all together." DA said sadly. "Why did no one apply to grad school out here?"

"Because Pittsburgh blows." Ralphie said. "I can't live here any longer."

"I didn't mean you." DA scoffed. "I meant like Phoebe or Tim or someone."

"Sure you did." Ralphie winked and DA rolled her eyes.

"There aren't a ton of vet schools around." Arnold explained. "Besides, you'll only be here for a year. Are you going to keep working in the library?"

"I guess. It's a nice break where I get to see human beings for a change." DA laughed.

"Maybe you should work in a library after you graduate." Ralphie suggested.

"That's a stupid idea." DA said.

"Or not." Ralphie felt hurt. He'd thought DA had liked him after she tutored him in chemistry. Sure, it had only taken him months to decide that maybe he might like her too, but he figured he had a chance. Besides, they had fun together – so he'd thought. He never could tell with her.

"I'm going to go into research. The library is a good gig for when I'm in school." DA said. "I just turned in my last final. I'm going to head out tonight."

"Someone has a final in the morning," Ralphie looked at Arnold, "so we're driving tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." DA smiled as she left the room.

"Dude, when did you start liking DA?" Arnold asked.

"I don't know. I'm confused about my feelings. As usual."

"I thought you were the poster child for the gladly single." Arnold smirked.

"Being single is fun." Ralphie tried, but his enthusiasm for it had waned over the last year.

"Sure it is." Arnold and Ralphie had gone on a few double dates, which had gone decently well, but then finals had come, and here they were. At least they'd be done soon and moving on to bigger and better things.

"Have we checked the mail yet today?" Ralphie asked.

"Let's go." They raced down to the mailboxes in the dorm's hall. Ralphie made it to his mailbox first. He had a letter from Conwell University in Philadelphia; his first choice, and it took all the self control he had not to rip it in half in sheer excitement.

"LOOK!" He said to Arnold. "It's a fat one!"

"Got in to City," Arnold smirked, reading the letters he cared about least first. "Bryant will pass, because they don't know a good thing when they see one."

"I GOT IN!" Ralphie yelled. "I'm moving back to Philly, bitches!"

Arnold cleared his throat and read, "'Congratulations, you have been accepted to the Franklin College of Law…'"

"Franklin?" Ralphie asked optimistically.

"The Franklin College of Law is at Conwell," Arnold grinned. "We're going to grad school together."

"Yes!" Ralphie hugged Arnold. "Look out, Philly, here we come."

**A short time later, in Philly… **

"Arnold says he and Ralphie got their acceptance letters today," Phoebe said to Keesha. "Think the mail's come yet?"

"Let's go see." Keesha had put all of her eggs in one basket – an Educational Leadership degree at Conwell. Phoebe, on the other hand, had already received acceptance letters from her backup schools in North Carolina, Colorado, and Oregon. It was her first choice she was waiting for.

When she saw the letter from Franklin, her heart dropped. "I don't think I can open this."

"Open it." Keesha urged, quickly scanning the letter she'd received. "Open it so we can go celebrate." She waved her acceptance letter to Conwell. Phoebe emitted her high pitched noise, flailing her still-unopened letter in her hand.

"We're all going to be together again!" She just knew that Tim and Carlos would get into Conwell, Janet would move far away – maybe to Europe – and everything would be perfect. She tore the letter open.

"What does it say?" Keesha urged.

Phoebe read eagerly. "'We have carefully considered your application materials, and we regret to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to the Franklin University College of Veterinary Medicine at this time.'"

"No!" Keesha gasped. Phoebe looked like she was melting as she kept reading the letter silently.

"Now what do I do?" She whimpered.

"There's a wait list, isn't there?" Keesha tried.

"I haven't even been wait-listed. I'm rejected." Phoebe started to cry. "This is all I've wanted for the last seven years, and I got rejected."

Keesha had no idea what to say. Phoebe's phone rang, and Phoebe handed it to Keesha. She was in no emotional state to talk to anyone else.

"Hey Tim." Keesha said.

"Um, I called Phoebe."

"She can't talk right now. What's up?"

"I just got in to Conwell; so did Carlos. We're all going to be back in Philly." Tim said excitedly.

"He got in, didn't he?" Phoebe asked. Keesha nodded. Phoebe turned and ran up to her room.

"Did you guys hear back yet?" Tim asked.

"Yeah, that's… complicated." Keesha said.

* * *

**December 13, 2005  
****Outside Harrisburg, PA**

"Dude, why didn't you take the turnpike?" Arnold asked.

"We take it every time." Ralphie said. "I'm sick of it."

"I hate to say this, but it's your birthday and your truck is a piece of shit. This doesn't bode well for us."

"At least it's not snowing, right?" Ralphie shrugged and turned up the music. His birthday had been terrible when he'd tried to fight the awfulness. Maybe if he took chances, he wouldn't make mistakes or end up getting messy.

**Meanwhile, in Tim's basement…**

"Come on, Wanda, do you have to play 'Smoke on the Water' again?" Tim demanded.

"I almost figured it out!"

"Give me that." Carlos grabbed the guitar controller before Janet could.

"Do you want a turn, Phoebe?" Tim asked.

Phoebe shook her head and pushed back on the banana chair so she was lying on her back with her legs in the air before returning to her book. She was still crushed about not getting in to Franklin, and wasn't sure that waiting a year would help. They could always reject her again. She'd have to choose another school far away from everyone else, and she wasn't ready to make that decision yet.

"I thought you finished it." Keesha said.

"I did. Twice. I need to figure out all these prophecies." Phoebe said. It was code for "it takes my mind off reality" and they both knew it.

Phoebe was holding her emotions together pretty well, considering. Carlos had stopped showboating when Tim had told him that they'd all been accepted into schools in Philly except for Phoebe, but that hadn't stopped Janet from making a few comments. Carlos had shut her up. Janet wasn't among the select group that could get away with teasing Phoebe. Phoebe got to the point where she was reading one of the dreams that might or might not be prophetic. "We all dream of things we cannot have," she read, and it took everything she had not to start crying. _Kill the boy_, she thought. _Kill the boy and let the man be born. Fear cuts deeper than swords. _

She didn't realize she was saying it out loud until Keesha said, "What is dead may never die."

"But rises again, harder and stronger." Phoebe replied. Repeating these things made her feel even the slightest bit better.

"Phoebe, you say the same stuff over and over again." Carlos scowled. "You're not Sansa anymore. You're Hodor."

"You're Hodor." Phoebe stuck her tongue out at Carlos. "Tim is Bran."

"Carlos carries me everywhere? YES!" Tim crowed.

"You read those books, Carlos?" Janet scoffed. "Ew."

**Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere…**

"Did you hear that?" Ralphie asked.

"I can't hear anything!" Arnold yelled. They'd been listening to loud music for a few hours now and Arnold was surprised he hadn't gone deaf yet. Ralphie preferred to feel music, not just listen to it. "Where are we?"

"Pennsylvania." Ralphie grumpily turned down the music. He resorted to vagueness when he was cranky and now he was too stubborn to admit he was lost. The truck was making a funny noise and shaking more than he thought it should.

"Do you think we should stop somewhere?" Arnold asked. He didn't understand why Ralphie's one feat of daring for the month was on his birthday in a snowstorm in his awful old truck. Why couldn't he be smarter about taking risks?

"Everything will be okay." Ralphie tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Besides, there's not really anywhere to stop." They'd passed Lancaster, and switched highways. Ralphie hoped that it was the road surface that had been making the truck shake.

**Meanwhile, in Tim's basement… **

"Give me a turn." Carlos grabbed the controller from Wanda and selected "Bark at the Moon."

"Ambitious." DA remarked as Carlos selected the hard difficulty level.

"Thank God, it's not 'Smoke on the Water,'" Keesha glared at Wanda.

"I ALMOST HAVE IT." Wanda argued. "Besides, you always pick 'Take Me Out.'"

"You still suck at it," Janet said. "Both of you."

"Shut up." DA insisted.

"Don't make me kick you out." Tim folded his arms.

"You can't make me do anything."

"Can't I?"

"Chill out." Carlos turned back to the game and started the song.

"You can't make me do anything either." Janet insisted.

"You need to leave my friends alone, okay?" Carlos was staring at the screen, focused on beating the song.

"This is how I am. You've got to deal with it." Janet said. Carlos turned his head to look at her briefly.

"Then we're not together. Deal with it." Carlos turned back to the TV. Janet's mouth hung open.

"What?" She gasped. "Are you dumping me while playing _Guitar Hero_?"

DA and Keesha were trying hard not to laugh. Wanda was glad that she got invited to witness a breakup.

"Yep." Carlos said, still playing.

"You insensitive prick!"

"Takes one to know one." Carlos said calmly as he finished the song. It wasn't his best score, but he still passed it. He felt peaceful for the first time since he'd started dating Janet. "Why are you still here?"

Janet huffed something incomprehensible and stormed out.

"Damn." Wanda whistled.

"What just happened?" Phoebe asked, looking up from her book.

"You missed it?" DA was incredulous. "Carlos just dumped Janet. While he was playing the game."

"Oh." Phoebe said before re-immersing herself in the mysteries of the Citadel.

"My turn." Wanda grabbed the controller and selected "Smoke on the Water."

"The point is to pick a variety of different songs." Tim tried.

"The point is to be _good_." Wanda retorted.

**meanwhile, a little closer to Philly, but further in the middle of nowhere…**

"Pull over!" Arnold insisted. "That's smoke!"

"It's snow blowing off the hood." Ralphie hoped as he pulled over. They were on a rural stretch of road. "Do you know where we are?"

"Amish country." Arnold said.

"I wonder how many barns it took for you to figure _that one _out." Ralphie rolled his eyes.

"It's not my fault we're stuck in the middle of nowhere. _Someone_ had this great idea not to take the turnpike…"

"Shut up!" Ralphie yelled. He was sick of Arnold worrying that his truck wasn't going to make it. It only made him worry more, and this wasn't how their friendship was supposed to work. The truck had made the trip several times, despite being a piece of shit. It would make one more trip to Philly. They could ride back with DA and everything would be fine.

"Fine, let's just get out and have a look at it." Arnold said calmly. Ralphie took a deep breath and popped the hood of the truck. The two walked around the front and stared at the engine, which had started to smoke. "Do you have any idea what you're looking at?"

"Nope." Ralphie said. "Where's Tim when you need him?"

**Meanwhile, where Tim is… **

"Where are Ralphie and Arnold?" Tim wondered.

"They're probably still on the road. Maybe they ditched us for the Sixers game." DA shrugged.

"They're not playing today." Carlos explained.

"We should call." Phoebe worried. "What if something happened? It is Ralphie's birthday…"

"Oh shit." Keesha said.

**Meanwhile, on the side of the road… **

It was hard to tell how much time had passed. It had begun to snow a while ago, and the snow was thickening. The truck was still smoking, which was warm, if nothing else, but the guys didn't want to get too close in case it blew up. Ralphie was trying not to hyperventilate. His stupid idealism was crushed underneath the stark, cold reality: they were stranded in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. "We have to get on top of one of those barns to see if I can get any service."

"You're not climbing a barn." Arnold had visions of Ralphie falling off the barn and breaking his legs. Then they'd both be extra screwed. "Maybe someone here can help us."

"This is Amish country." Ralphie was shaking. "This is possibly the worst place we could have broken down. Where do we go? A hay station? What do they even _have_ out here? This is the worst possible thing that could happen."

"I wasn't thinking they could fix the truck." Arnold was hopeful. "Maybe someone could give us a ride or something."

"That's a terrible idea. How long would it take us to get to Philly in a buggy?" Ralphie wondered. Arnold shrugged. "We might as well walk. Shit. This is terrible. Why is my birthday always so awful?"

"You kind of did this to yourself." Arnold braced himself for the inevitable bout of yelling. Ralphie obliged.

"I KNOW! I know it was my stupid idea to do this. It's my fault. I'm an idiot! If we'd just stayed on the turnpike, we could've broken down there instead! And now we're here in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I'm sick of hearing about how this is all my goddamn fault. It's not my fault that there's a fucking snowstorm and–"

"Calm down." Arnold interrupted. "Let's consider our options here. We could ditch the truck and try to walk into town."

"What town? Where's the damn town?" Ralphie threw his arms out. "Even before this blizzard started, I didn't see any fucking town."

"Well we don't have service, so we could just pick a direction and walk. Or we could go to one of these houses and see if they have a phone…"

"THEY'RE _AMISH, _FOR CHRIST'S SAKES."

Arnold kind of hoped someone would come outside to tell Ralphie to stop yelling: at least they'd see another human being who might be willing to help. "We're going to be okay." Arnold assured him. Ralphie took a deep breath.

"I'm going to see if it works now." Ralphie got into the truck and quickly prayed every prayer he knew before turning the key. The truck made a terrible noise and refused to start. Ralphie dropped his head onto the horn, which drowned out the cacophony of swear words that he shouted.

**Meanwhile, in Tim's basement, where it's warm and there's phone service… **

"No answer from Ralphie." Keesha said.

"Did you try Arnold?" DA suggested.

"Yes," Keesha said. Wanda stood up to get the controller. "Phoebe, please play something so we don't have to hear 'Smoke on the Water.'"

"Fine." Phoebe had just reached the end of the chapter anyway.

**A little while later, in a small store… **

Just as Arnold had hoped, a man had come out of the snowstorm when he heard Ralphie honking and swearing. He'd told them to walk a mile east into town. Fortunately, they'd broken down near a tourist destination, so there was a store with food and a phone. "Do you boys want anything to drink?" The man behind the counter asked. He was used to tourists, though there were fewer in the middle of winter.

"I just need to use the phone." Ralphie sighed. He was hungry, but first he had to get the hell out of this place. "Where are we?"

"Intercourse." The man replied. Arnold stifled a guffaw. The man was used to such reactions, especially from young men like these.

"I'm hungry," Arnold said once the hilarity of the situation had passed.

"Have a look in the store and see if there's anything you'd like."

"Thanks. Want anything?" He asked Ralphie.

"Just – you know what I like. I don't care." Ralphie waved his arm to show how little he cared before picking up the phone. He braced himself as the phone rang. "Ma?"

"Ralph? Where are you?"

"My truck broke down."

"Where are you?" Dr. Tennelli repeated, preparing herself for the worst.

"Intercourse." He replied softly.

"What the hell are you doing off the turnpike? Were you and Arnold trying to find all the weird-named towns or something dumb like that?"

"I got sick of the turnpike and I think my truck was on fire." Ralphie embellished a bit. "I don't have service out here. We had to walk a mile in the snow to get to this nice little store."

"Of course you don't have service." Dr. Tennelli sighed, and considered her options. "I'll come get you. We can have your truck towed to a junkyard somewhere."

"How long will it take?"

"I'll see you in an hour."

"Thanks, Mom." He hung up and turned to his new Amish friend. "May I make another call?"

"Sure, son, just keep it short."

"I will. Thanks." Now that he had permission, Ralphie just needed to decide whom to call. His first thought was DA, but she'd probably lecture him on how stupid he'd been. Maybe he didn't like her as much as he thought, not if she was going to be mean to him. Carlos and Wanda would give him too much shit to communicate to anyone else that he and Arnold were okay, and he was worried Tim hung out with Carlos too much. Phoebe had a bad habit of turning her phone off when she was reading those books, which she probably was. His decision made, he dialed the phone and hoped it would be answered.

**Meanwhile, in Tim's basement…**

"Who's calling me?" Keesha asked, looking at the caller ID.

"Answer it!" Carlos urged. Curiosity won out and Keesha answered her phone.

"Ralphie?" Keesha said into her phone.

"I'm just letting you know that Arnold and I broke down and my mom's coming to get me but we're okay." Ralphie said quickly.

"Where are you?" Keesha put the phone on speaker. Ralphie had forgotten about this particular habit of Keesha's.

This question was exactly the reason Ralphie hadn't called Carlos. "We broke down outside of Intercourse." The laughter that erupted alerted Ralphie to the speakerphone situation, and he'd wished he hadn't been so honest.

"You didn't even make it to Intercourse?" Wanda asked. "You poor thing."

Ralphie was already embarrassed that he was stranded and he wished he could throw something heavy at Wanda. "My truck broke down just outside town, and we had to walk here to use a phone. We're waiting an hour for my mom to get here."

"I can't imagine you'd stay in Intercourse for more than thirty seconds."Carlos joked. "Are you sure you're not in Blue Ball?"

"At least I've _been _to Intercourse, Carlos." Ralphie retorted quickly, before realizing that maybe he should be respectful of the people whose store was keeping him warm.

"I'm not getting in the middle of your dirty-Pennsylvania-town pissing contest, okay?" Keesha said, taking the phone off speaker. "Call us when you get in town. Is your phone charged?"

"Yes," Ralphie said. "I just can't get service. We're in Amish Country."

"Oh. Right." Keesha said. "Be safe, okay?"

An hour later, Arnold and Ralphie were in Dr. Tennelli's sedan, eating popcorn, to her dismay.

"This isn't how I imagined spending your birthday." Dr. Tennelli said.

"Me either. It never is." Ralphie folded his arms.

* * *

**January 16, 2006  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

It was finally 2006, the year that the gang would graduate from college. Keesha was excited for what this year would bring. Cory knocked on her door. "Hey, you're back!" She got up to hug him. "We missed you at the New Year's Eve party."

"Yeah," Cory had been at home in Rochester. Technically, he could have made the trip down to Philly for New Year's, but he didn't want to after last year. "Look, Keesha, I've been thinking…"

Keesha's heart sank. She knew the tone, so she interrupted him. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

"I just don't think we're going to work out." Cory said.

"Do me a favor." Keesha looked him squarely in the eyes. "Tell me the real, honest-to-God reason you're dumping me."

"I just did." Cory looked around.

"No you didn't. You just gave me one of those generic reasons. You know, like 'It's not you, it's me.' I want to know what's really wrong."

Cory swallowed. "I just don't get your relationship with your friends."

"You're dumping my friends?"

"And you won't do anything without them." Cory continued. As if on cue, Phoebe ran into the room.

"What if _Jaime_ is the valonqar?!" She cried, before realizing that Keesha and Cory were in the middle of an in-depth conversation. "Sorry." She backed out.

"See?" Cory said. "You didn't even say anything."

"I didn't have to! Phoebe knew she was interrupting something, and –"

"But she can just run in and interrupt you – us – anytime and it's totally fine. None of my friends can do that. You have no boundaries with them."

Keesha sighed. "I have boundaries." Cory had no idea of how many times she'd had to tell Wanda or Carlos that some topics were off-limits in public.

"It's just weird how close you all are, and I didn't think I was signing up to date eight people." Cory shook his head. "There's no way I'd ever be a part of your group, so we have no future."

If Cory was right that he wouldn't be part of the group, so was DA's theory. It was an ominous thought. "They like you, though."

"But I'm not one of you." Cory said. "I'm so sorry."

Keesha sighed again. "Me too." She sat in silence for a moment after Cory left, then walked downstairs to Phoebe's room and knocked.

"What's going on?" Phoebe asked.

"I got dumped." Keesha said softly. Phoebe hugged her tightly. "And I think Jaime is the valonqar, now that you mention it."

"I know, right?" Phoebe whispered. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Keesha broke away. "I'm going to need a project."

"What about graduation?" Phoebe asked. "Wouldn't it be awesome if we could go to everyone's commencement ceremonies?"

Keesha's eyes lit up. "It would! When's commencement?"

Phoebe went to her computer. "May 18th." After some more searching, she said, "All the ceremonies are on different days."

"Holy shit, you're right." Keesha looked over Phoebe's shoulder at the opened browser windows. "We could do this. It would be a lot of travel, but we could do it."

"It would be so worth it!" Phoebe said. "Come on, let's ask the others."

"What about finals?" Keesha wondered. Phoebe looked at the academic calendar.

"It would only be an issue for Wanda, and maybe Arnold and Ralphie. And DA could come too – then we'd all go to Pittsburgh next year, and it would be perfect!" Phoebe said.

Keesha hadn't seen Phoebe so happy for a long time, not since she'd enrolled at Corvallis State in Oregon – literally across the country from all her friends. They'd given her the best scholarship and been most affordable, when all was said and done. She'd been incredibly conflicted about taking the furthest option, but her father had convinced her to minimize her debt.

"Now let's look up plane fare." Phoebe grinned.

* * *

**January 17, 2006  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

Tim had only told a few people about the other acceptance letter he'd received: he hadn't turned down an offer from Fitzgerald University in New York City. Phoebe had told him to do whatever he wanted. His being in New York or Philly made absolutely no difference to her, she said. He knew she wanted him to be in Philly, though she'd be happy as long as he was happy. He expected her to care a bit more. Instead, she and Keesha were scheming to get everyone together on a huge tour of the country. Phoebe was nice where Tim was jaded – had Carlos come up with the same idea, Tim would have immediately dismissed it. He looked at the letter from Conwell. They had a good program, but not as good as Fitzgerald's.

"How bad would it suck if I went to school in New York?" He asked Carlos.

"Pretty bad. We're going to rent Ralphie's aunt's hovel in South Philly." Carlos said. "It's cheap."

Sharing a house with all the guys would be interesting, to say the least. Tim would probably go deaf. Both Carlos and Ralphie tended to unwind with loud music, and the din from competing music would either amuse him or drive him crazy. "And dental school is four years?"

"Yep." Carlos said. "Arnold and Ralphie and you all have three."

"Hmm." Tim thought aloud. "I just – I don't know if I can pass up this opportunity."

"You'd be alone. You see how well that worked out for Wanda? She got caught singing 'All By Myself' the first day she was there. Wanda couldn't last a _day_."

"New York's not so far." Tim said. He knew Wanda had been miserable in California, and New York was close enough to visit while still being on his own. He was curious about what life away from the group would be like. His mind was almost made up. Of course, Phoebe had noticed that he was more brooding than usual. He had an IM from her asking what was wrong. He called her in response.

"You booked all the plane tickets." Tim reviewed. "For the graduation trip."

"Yeah!" Phoebe said brightly. "It's going to be so much fun. We're going to be really tired when we're done, but we'll all be here, together. And everyone will be together for grad school. Except me, but I'll be back for breaks and everything. It'll be great!"

Tim couldn't share her enthusiasm. She was so upbeat and optimistic and nice. Where Tim had been pensive and brooding, Phoebe had been cheerful, even in the face of moving to Oregon. He knew she was putting up a front, but the fact that she wanted to spare others' feelings was just too noble. "You're too good for me." He said out loud.

"What?" Phoebe's smile fell and she felt a sinking feeling. This wasn't happening – not again.

"I mean, you're able to be happy for everyone. I just – I can't. You know I'm thinking about Fitzgerald, right?"

"I thought – I thought you were staying in Philly." Phoebe was having flashbacks to when Arnold dumped her, and she started stammering. "Are you breaking up with me?" In an instant, her eyes had filled with tears.

Tim nodded. "I just – I can't, not with the distance. It's three time zones. And vet school is so intense, you'll need to focus. I couldn't keep you from your dream."

All Phoebe could hear was that she wasn't worth trying to bridge a distance. She hadn't been good enough for Arnold, and now she wasn't good enough for Tim. "Fine." She said, and they said their goodbyes. _At least I have more time to plan the greatest trip ever. Then maybe they'll miss me when I'm in Oregon._

* * *

**January 30, 2006  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"Come on, DA, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing." Ralphie urged.

"It's right after finals and it would be super miserable." DA said.

"You're just hurt because you're not graduating." Arnold said gently. Ralphie tried to rein in his enthusiasm in light of DA's feelings.

"You know this sets a precedent. We'll all come to Pittsburgh for your graduation." Ralphie said reassuringly. DA smiled at him.

"You'll all be in the middle of grad school." DA sighed. She hated how close she was getting to being all alone.

"It'll be at the end of the year again. Pittsburgh will miss us." Arnold said. As he and DA grinned at each other, Ralphie suddenly realized that something else was going on.

"Well, I should go." He said, and left the room.

"What was that about?" Arnold asked.

"You tell me." DA shrugged. "I don't know about this trip. We'd have to leave right after my last final."

"We'd all pile in your car and drive straight through to Jersey. It's going to be weird having us all together except you and Phoebe."

DA shrugged, trying to play it cool. "I'll move back in a year."

"You're not looking forward to it, either, are you?" DA took a deep breath. "Don't lie to me." Arnold was smiling knowingly. "I can tell when you're lying."

"I'm not Ralphie. I can actually hide my feelings." She smiled. "I'll be fine on my own."

Arnold wanted to believe her. "You're sure? I mean, after all we've been through here – dealing with Kim, getting drunk on your birthday, talking you out of the train wreck that was you and Mikey, oh, and we would have been there for you when you hooked up with that grad student if you told us…"

"Calling the RA when neither you nor Ralphie managed to bring a key outside your room… three times…" DA interrupted. "That time you forgot to bring your phone to class for a whole day and Ralphie freaked out because he had no idea where you were…"

"You know we wouldn't have survived without each other." Arnold said. He was including Ralphie in "we," but he was mostly thinking about all that he and DA had experienced at this point. He was used to thinking about how close he and Ralphie were, and they'd grown comfortable with their close relationship. These feelings for DA were something he hadn't yet acknowledged, though. She was smart, proud, and stubborn, and he'd found himself increasingly attracted to her.

"We would have survived." DA corrected. "We just wouldn't have had as much fun. Besides, it's not even February yet. We haven't even passed our midterms. Can you really be sure you're graduating?" She teased.

Arnold scoffed. "Of course I'm graduating. Why, are you afraid you won't?"

"Oh please," DA laughed. "I'm getting two degrees." Still, she was sad to think that her time with her friends in Pittsburgh was coming to an end. "Who's going to rein you and Ralphie in when I'm gone?"

Arnold thought a moment. "Probably Keesha." DA nodded.

"Gods know it won't be Carlos."

"Gods?" Arnold asked. DA held up _A Feast for Crows_, and Arnold laughed. DA looked back at the book and sighed again.

"I can't believe that when she's done with school, I won't have been living in the same city as Phoebe for eight years." DA said. "I haven't lived in the same state as Wanda, Carlos, or Tim for four years."

Arnold sat next to her on the bed. "I hadn't thought of it that way."

"I always think of it like that, though." DA said softly. She'd had thoughts that bothered her lately about her future, and she hated it when she didn't have a plan. "I thought I had everything figured out."

"You do have everything figured out." Arnold said. "You're getting grad school halfway finished before we're through undergrad."

DA took a deep breath and looked at Arnold. She could trust him. He was always so kind, and he'd give her good advice. He had a good head on his shoulders, which was one of her favorite things about him. "What if I don't want to work in the lab?"

"What do you mean? Do you want to teach? You did like tutoring…"

"Maybe. I don't know." DA chewed on her lip. "People at work have been talking to me. I helped someone track down a patent on a chemical. It was complicated and difficult and I actually really liked it."

"So you could work in a library. Like Ralphie suggested." Arnold shrugged.

"Please don't tell him he's right. He's insufferable when he's right." DA laughed weakly. "Besides, I'd need to get a master's to be a librarian."

"You'll have one."

"A second one." DA explained. "But most librarians are humanities majors, and a science background could really help. What do you think?"

Arnold thought a moment. "You love being right. You've cited _resources_ about why you're right. You love finding things out. I think you'd be great at it."

"That's what I thought. It just feels like I'm cheating on real science with library 'science.' That's not a real science, not like chemistry."

"So you'd have a degree in real science and a degree in library science. I don't see what the big deal is." Arnold shrugged.

"I've seen myself as a scientist for my entire life." DA's blue eyes shone. "This is kind of an identity crisis for me."

"You can be a scientist and a librarian, can't you?" Arnold asked. "How much science makes you a scientist?" DA couldn't answer that.

"Thanks, Arnold." She hugged him. She couldn't tell if what she felt for him was like what she'd felt for Carlos in her vulnerability or if she genuinely liked him. The clean flowery smell of DA's hair teased Arnold. She was so close; all he had to do was kiss her. "I'll miss you when you're back in Philly."

"I'll miss you too." He said as she pulled away.

"But it's only a year." She nodded resolutely.

* * *

**author's note**: title is adapted from a quote from _A Feast for Crows_.

**references &amp; stuff I don't own: **

Carlos's visions of dentistry are entirely based on _Little Shop of Horrors_.

"Seven hells" is a curse found in _A Song of Ice and Fire_. So is swearing by the gods.

If you thought Mrs. Perlstein asking "Oh, her?" about Phoebe was a reference to _Arrested Development_, you'd be right.

Do I have to credit "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy"?

"We all dream of things we cannot have," and "What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger," are from _A Feast for Crows_.

"Kill the boy and let the man be born," is from _A Storm of Swords_.

"Fear cuts deeper than swords," and Hodor are from _A Game of Thrones._

Songs mentioned are all from _Guitar Hero_.

"What if Jaime is the valonqar?" is a speculation on a prophecy in _A Feast for Crows_.

Did Wanda tell anyone that Brett was like a male Phoebe? How much deforestation did Phoebe's forgoing fries prevent? How many times did Wanda play "Smoke on the Water" – and did she ever get it? How much science do you have to do to be a real scientist?

Stay tuned for the great graduation road trip, which includes the perils of going to the beach spontaneously, airport pizza, and more.


	13. the great graduation road trip

**chapter 12: the great graduation road trip**

**May 16, 2006 – Day 1  
****Philadelphia International Airport  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Finally, the day the trip began had come after classes, hall closings, and hours of planning. Keesha and Phoebe had made it to the airport to pick up Wanda and officially begin the great graduation road trip.

"WANDA!" Phoebe shrieked as Wanda appeared, bleary-eyed from travel, near the baggage claim. Phoebe ran to Wanda and nearly knocked her over, as was customary.

"We'll see how excited you are after this flight Thursday night." Wanda said. "I need coffee." Keesha handed her a frappucino. "I said coffee. This is a milkshake." Wanda had to start drinking coffee like someone who worked in TV, which meant no more frou-frou drinks. She was serious about her future in broadcasting – serious enough to give up caramel macchiatos. Anything to get ahead.

"Here I was, trying to be prepared." Keesha handed the drink to Phoebe. "Can we get you a coffee in town? Airport coffee is ridiculously expensive."

"Whatever. Let's just go." Wanda shrugged. "I don't even know what time it is anymore."

**Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh… **

"Are you packed?" Arnold asked DA, who had just come back from her final. It was 4 p.m. She'd taken more time than she'd thought, but she had to make sure she got everything right.

"Yep." She pointed at the bag.

"Let's get some dinner and roll." Arnold said.

"Let's just grab some fast food or something on the road. Are we staying in Philly tonight or going all the way to New Brunswick?" Ralphie asked.

"It depends on how fast I drive." DA twirled the keys. "And I don't drive fast."

"Dammit." Ralphie said. He wasn't going to ask why he wasn't driving. DA found the Intercourse Incident among the funniest things to ever have happened. "What are the Philly people doing?"

"I thought we were all going to Jersey." Arnold shrugged. "Let me call Phoebe."

**Meanwhile, in Jersey…**

"Why aren't they here yet?" Carlos folded his arms. It was 5:15; they could have been there by now. He wanted to see all his friends and get the party started. He'd only have one day to rub in that he was the first of their group to graduate from college – even though Tim was three minutes behind him, at most. And technically they'd graduate at the same time, but Ramon came before Reynolds, and that had to count for something.

"Wanda's flight just landed." Tim said patiently. "And our parents are on their way. We'll have dinner with them."

"Fine." Carlos sighed. The parents and inevitable family time were the only flaw in the trip.

**Meanwhile, in Philly…**

"Okay, now I can think." Wanda said after downing an iced black coffee. "Do you think we'll have time to go down to the shore?"

"We don't have time to breathe." Keesha said. "The mission is to get to graduation and get the hell out in time for the next one."

"I even brought my robe in the car." Phoebe pointed.

"Well aren't you fancy." Wanda remarked. "Are we going to eat dinner with the guys?"

"Sure, why not?" Keesha shrugged. "I'll call them."

**A few hours later, en route from Pittsburgh… **

"And this is where Ralphie decided not to take the turnpike." Arnold pointed. Ralphie slunk down in the backseat and started texting his discontent to Carlos. Keesha would enjoy it too, now that he thought of it.

"Stop trying to impress her." Ralphie kicked the back of Arnold's seat.

"He doesn't need to impress me." DA smiled.

"Oh God. Are you two dating yet or what?" That shut them up. "Or do you need us to break down in Intercourse?" If they could have shut up any more, that would have done it.

"That was _you_ that broke down – and it was _outside_ of Intercourse." Arnold retorted. If Ralphie was going to tease him about DA, Arnold could bring up that Ralphie hadn't technically made it to Intercourse before breaking down. The Intercourse Incident was going to be the stuff of legends, passed down to children and grandchildren once they were old enough to giggle at the name of the town.

"Can we stop making fun of me and start making fun of how you two obviously want each other but haven't done anything about it? Please?"

**Meanwhile, in Jersey… **

Keesha, Phoebe, and Wanda had arrived in New Brunswick, despite the traffic around Philly slowing them down. Unfortunately, they hadn't arrived before the Reynolds and Ramon families took Tim and Carlos away for dinner, and the girls had to eat on their own. They had found a casual restaurant which, to Phoebe's delight, was showing a baseball game.

"You know what we need out here? In-N-Out Burger." Wanda said as she ate her cheeseburger.

"Ralphie says that DA and Arnold were making eyes at each other at Gettysburg, which is either incredibly patriotic or sacrilegious." Keesha read from her phone. "I think he's bored. Can someone please entertain him?"

**Later on, outside Philadelphia…**

"YES!" Ralphie exclaimed, reading Phoebe's text. She'd been nice enough to text him baseball scores, and the Phillies game had started.

"I thought we were going to have a baseball-free trip." DA sighed.

"He's an addict." Arnold sighed.

"Phoebe's his dealer then?" DA asked. "Oh look, there's the exit for Walkerville. Everyone wave." They all waved to Walkerville as they sped past it. "To think we're driving through here to come back tomorrow. This is so inefficient."

_Passing Walkerville_, Arnold texted Carlos.

_Go faster_, Carlos replied.

_DA drives like a grandma_.

**Meanwhile, in Jersey…**

"I can't believe I came all the way out here and we're not even going down to the shore." Wanda pouted.

"You're going to live an hour away from the shore in like two weeks." Keesha said. "The baseball is working, Phoebe. Ralphie's not texting me about how much he hates being stuck with Arnold and DA anymore."

Phoebe looked up at the TV in the restaurant. "He's going to hate this." _Brewers got 5 runs. Sorry. _Texting Ralphie terrible news about the Phillies beat eating awkwardly with Tim, who'd enrolled at Fitzgerald after they broke up. He'd decided to try his luck on his own. Wanda told him he wouldn't last three hours before breaking out Céline Dion.

After Carlos texted to tell the girls that they were done with dinner, they went over to Tim and Carlos's and waited for the last three to roll in, which they did around 10.

"What time's commencement tomorrow?" Arnold asked. DA smiled at him. Ralphie rolled his eyes. _Tell them to just get together already_, he texted Keesha.

_Stop texting me when we're in the same room_. Keesha replied.

"12:30 until 2." Tim answered. Carlos and Ralphie were trying to communicate through making faces at each other. Tim and Phoebe were avoiding each other. Keesha was trying to keep Wanda awake.

"Then we hit the road for Philly." DA planned.

"Well, we can hang out and have dinner here." Keesha said. "We have to be at commencement at 8 the next morning to line up."

"Can we get a decent hoagie here?" Arnold whined. "Don't you have amazing food trucks at your school?"

"Dude, Conwell has great food trucks too." Keesha said. "Hold your horses. Didn't you just eat anyway?"

"I could go for a hoagie." Ralphie said quietly. Arnold nodded.

"Let's go to bed." Keesha, who had designated herself as being the marshal of this whole adventure, announced. The guys would crash with Tim and Carlos, and the girls piled into a room in the same cheap motel they'd visited on spring break last year. This stressed Phoebe out, so she read _A Storm of Swords_. Whenever things got bad, she remembered that at least her entire family wasn't being murdered, or she wasn't going to be killed at her own wedding, or she wasn't suddenly elevated to being in charge of a bunch of people who mistrusted her. This was just an epic trip with her seven best friends and two ex-boyfriends. That was all.

* * *

**May 17, 2006 – Day 2, Commencement 1  
****University of New Jersey  
****New Brunswick, NJ**

"Dear God, I forgot how boring graduations are." Wanda sighed.

"We haven't really been to any since high school." DA said. She was longingly staring at the Master's hoods and fancy regalia on the faculty. _Soon that'll be me_, she reminded herself.

"I think it's inspirational." Phoebe said.

"Shh!" Arnold hissed, then smiled at DA. "Maybe you should've said that."

"What?" Ralphie asked. "When did you make up this joke and where was I?"

"Quiet!" Mrs. Reynolds pleaded.

Keesha was content with the worst part of her plan being that graduations were boring. The families of everyone wanting time with them made the logistics challenging, but there was no getting around the dullness of the ceremonies. Each person had to go to their main university commencement and not the individual college's – that would have been even more of a logistical nightmare than the trip was already. For example, the College of Engineering had its commencement at 3:30, which overlapped with the College of Science at 4. The gang would have to pick between Tim and Carlos, and that would only end in tears.

After two hours of speeches and ceremony, commencement number one was over. The graduates moved their tassels and filed out of the auditorium.

"One down, three to go." Keesha said. "Come on, let's find them." The group, along with the parents of the new graduates, went out into the courtyard to find the graduates.

"Tim!" Mr. Reynolds called out. "Let's go to dinner – as a family." He glanced at Tim's friends.

"Yeah, Carlos." Mrs. Ramon grabbed Carlos's arm. "I'd like to have this time to talk to you."

"Sorry, guys!" Tim called as his parents dragged him away.

"Well, shit. Now what are we supposed to do?" Ralphie asked.

**A short drive later…**

"BEACH!" Wanda opened the door of Phoebe's van before it was entirely stopped and ran like crazy toward the shore.

"You were in California yesterday!" DA yelled.

"I don't care!" Wanda ran toward the water, kicking off her shoes as she went. "I'm not that close to the beach anyway."

"I thought you said you were!" Phoebe was disappointed.

"I guess we can stay here for a little while." Keesha acquiesced.

**A little while later…**

"Where are they?" Tim asked. He'd draped his gown over his arm and was sick of carrying it around.

"I have no idea." Carlos said. He called DA. "Where are you guys?"

"The shore. Wanda wouldn't shut up until we went."

"Wasn't she just on the beach yesterday?" Carlos asked.

"It's not enough. She also cut her foot on some glass, so we had to deal with that." DA didn't mind going to the shore, but Arnold hadn't wanted to go. He sunburned easily. Wanda's foot being opened up on a piece of glass wasn't helping things. "Fortunately Ralphie was almost a doctor, so he had the decent sense to get a lifeguard over."

"When are you guys coming back?" Carlos wondered.

"Soon."

**Some time after "soon"… **

"Finally!" Tim cried as Phoebe pulled up. "How are we getting back to Philly again?"

"You two have to drive back on your own – you're moving back, remember?" Keesha asked. Corralling her friends was quite a bit of work. "Let's roll. We can meet at the McDonald's for dinner. Phoebe and I have to be up and at 'em at 8 tomorrow."

"We should've left right after the ceremony." DA said. "Now we'll hit worse traffic."

"It's not my fault my family loves me and wants to spend time with me." Tim pointed out. Ralphie narrowed his eyes. "That wasn't directed at you. It wasn't directed at anyone."

"Okay." Ralphie said warily. "Tim, can I ride with you?"

"What's wrong with my car?" DA asked.

"I just thought you got sick of me last time." Ralphie said too sweetly. Keesha tried to hide her laughter.

"He's probably trying to set them up." She whispered to Phoebe, who took a moment to think about this. Arnold and DA were compatible, after all. Arnold's snobby parents would probably like DA. This could work.

"What are we whispering about?" Wanda whispered loudly.

"Who wants to ride back with me?" Carlos asked. He'd come to terms with the ugly beater he drove, especially since it had yet to catch fire, so it was better than Ralphie's truck. "Wanda?"

"Okay." Wanda said. "Once I learn what we're whispering about."

Keesha gave her a pointed look. "Secrets, Wanda."

"Right." Wanda winked obviously. "Keesha, ride with Carlos and me." She hobbled over to Carlos's car, pointedly favoring her left foot. She grabbed on to Carlos for "support."

"You're leaving me alone?" Phoebe asked. "I have the biggest car."

"You'll be okay." Keesha said.

"'When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.'" Phoebe quoted.

"You'll survive." Carlos assured her. "It's just Philly."

The drive to Walkerville was smooth and dull. Arnold and DA continued flirting, Tim and Ralphie talked about comics and video games, Wanda and Carlos came up with ridiculous schemes for ways to disrupt commencement while Keesha thwarted them by refusing to be a part of anything involving an air horn, and Phoebe memorized the words to the oath for the Night's Watch. They dispersed to their individual houses and Keesha and Phoebe celebrated their graduation with their families. This would be the most uneventful night of the trip, until the last night when they would all be too tired to move.

* * *

**May 18, 2006 – Day 3, Commencement 2  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

This morning, the thing Ralphie couldn't shut up about was how great it was being back in Philadelphia. Keesha and Phoebe had been able to distribute their last few duties as RAs to others. It had helped that they were seniors and nearly everyone who lived on campus had gone home. Still, it would have been nice to have spent their last night as undergrads in their old dorms so they wouldn't have had to ride the train from the suburbs into town in their graduation gowns. The rest of their friends had joined them so they could all be together, even though Keesha and Phoebe would have to leave their friends a few hours before the ceremony started. Wanda was nursing an extra-large iced coffee, since 7 am felt like 4 am to her.

"I made my mom take me to Dunkin to get this." Wanda said. "I'm going to have more when we get to your school. Where's the nearest coffee?"

After a quick coffee stop, Keesha and Phoebe left the gang to line up and the rest sat in a shady area along the quad. Immediately after commencement, Phoebe's aunt would take them to the airport so they could catch their plane to San Diego.

Arnold and DA decided to take a short walk around the campus. They didn't have Ralphie to heckle them for the first time in recent memory – just the two of them and their iced beverages. They found a bench suitably away from everyone else.

"It's kind of weird to be here." Arnold admitted. "If I'd just gone to school here, things with Phoebe would have been better."

DA was taken aback. She hadn't anticipated that Phoebe would be the topic of conversation. "Do you think you'd still be together?"

"No, but maybe I wouldn't have felt as bad about it." Arnold said. "I mean, she was happy with Tim, so…"

"Was." DA said. "Being an adult is crazy."

"It really is." Arnold scooted closer to her. "But it's a good crazy."

They were close enough that DA could have counted the hairs in his eyebrows if she wanted to. The thought made her smile. She set her coffee down and leaned in to kiss Arnold. The tastes of their drinks mingled on their lips, and even more so when Arnold's tongue entered DA's mouth. They'd been kissing long enough to lose track of time when Tim came upon them and cleared his throat loudly.

"They're seating us now." He said.

"Oh. Okay. Thanks." DA said, dazed. "Let's go." She picked up her coffee and took Arnold's hand. He smiled and they rejoined the group.

**A few hours later… **

"Do you still think commencement is inspiring?" Wanda asked Phoebe as she caught up with her in the quad.

"Yes." Phoebe beamed. "It's so nice to have all this ceremony after all we've been through." She looked somewhat quizzically at Arnold, who had an arm around DA.

"When did that happen?" Keesha asked.

"While you were getting in line to graduate." Ralphie explained. "This is what happens when you get us all together in a somewhat close proximity to Tim's basement. Or prom."

"Right." Keesha grinned. She was glad that whatever awkwardness had been between her and Ralphie was gone and they could be friends again.

"To the airport!" Carlos held up his fist triumphantly.

"To the airport!" Several of the friends echoed.

"We have to find my aunt first." Phoebe explained.

"We have to hurry before Janet's family finds me." Arnold looked around quickly.

"We have to go now!" Wanda whined. "My foot hurts."

"Maybe you shouldn't have worn those huge heels." DA said.

"But they make me tall." Wanda argued. "And they look so good."

"Can't we take the train?" Tim asked.

"My aunt has all our bags in the van." Phoebe said patiently. "I don't want to wear this skirt for the next two days."

"Ew." Keesha wrinkled her nose.

"Phoebe!" A tall, redheaded woman called.

"Aunt Marie!" Phoebe hugged her.

"Congratulations! Are you ready to go?"

"Yes. We're all here." Phoebe smiled. "Come on, guys."

"To the airport!" Carlos repeated his battle cry.

Keesha and Phoebe took off their graduation gowns and left them in the van for Marie to take back to Walkerville. The gang wheeled their bags through security, which went as smoothly as possible, despite Wanda not heeding DA's warnings to take off her belt before going into the TSA line. At last, they boarded their plane. They had managed to get seats together. Ralphie had a window seat, since he got motion sickness. He hated flying – between being afraid of it and motion sick, a cross-country plane ride was practically his personal hell. He knew it wouldn't go well, and it was making him nervous. Phoebe noticed and handed him _A Game of Thrones _with a sticky note in it.

"This always makes me feel better. Read it." She assured him.

As nice as the gesture was, it didn't resolve the problem. "Why'd you have to go to college in California?" Ralphie whined to Wanda, who was next to him.

Wanda looked around. Her parents were on the flight, but hadn't sat next to the group of friends. Still, she didn't want to risk it. "You know why. Why are you afraid of flying?"

"Guess." Ralphie snapped. He hadn't been afraid of flying before the third grade. Arnold had, but the field trips had cured it. They sometimes joked that the fear left Arnold and went to Ralphie.

"It'll be okay." DA, who had the seat behind Ralphie, reached up and touched his arm.

"If I was a doctor, I'd get myself valium." He said quietly. He still didn't understand why Arnold chose to sit next to DA over him, even if they had probably made out for half an hour before commencement. Arnold and Ralphie were still best friends, after all. Ralphie had Wanda and Tim on his row, while Arnold and DA were sitting next to Carlos. Keesha and Phoebe were sitting across the aisle from them. Phoebe was still reading her book. He took a deep breath and opened to the page Phoebe had marked. A passage was outlined in red.

"'I am the sword in the darkness.'" He read quietly. "'I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men.'" It made him feel a little better.

The plane took off and Ralphie spent the majority of the flight staring out the window, trying not to imagine worst-case scenarios. Wanda didn't help by distracting him with random antics, like she usually did. She was oblivious to the whole situation, and eventually fell asleep on Tim, who had been trying to read _A Feast for Crows_. The book still reminded him of Phoebe, and he felt bad about dumping her the way he did. Still, it had been the right thing to do, and he hoped that discussing the book would be an olive branch when he was ready. Phoebe was immersing herself in _A Storm of Swords_, and couldn't help but remember when she read it after their high school graduation. Everything was so different now than it had been. The thought of it made her want to cry. Keesha eventually fell asleep as well – she needed to keep her strength up for the journey ahead.

Arnold and DA amused themselves by trying to figure out which cities they were flying over. They were pretty good at towns in Pennsylvania, but once they crossed the Appalachians, they couldn't be sure.

"That has got to be Omaha." DA said, pointing to a large city on the plains.

"It's on a river," Arnold conceded, leaning close to her. "Isn't Omaha on a river?"

"Are we even flying over Omaha?" Carlos asked. DA and Arnold were slightly peeved that Carlos was interrupting their game. "That's probably Kansas City."

"No, Kansas City is bigger." DA argued. "This has got to be Omaha."

"You said that ten minutes ago."

"That must have been Des Moines." Arnold said. The flight attendant stopped by.

"We're not flying over Omaha – we're south of it." He explained.

"Then what is that?"

"I don't know. St. Louis, maybe?" He shrugged.

"Look," Carlos teased. "It's Denver!"

"Shut up." Arnold said.

* * *

**May 19, 2006 – Day 4, Commencement 3  
****Mission State University  
****San Diego, CA**

Wanda's graduation wasn't until 5:30, which would have given the travelers some time to sleep in. Unfortunately, everyone except Wanda was still on Eastern time, so they were up by 5 am. They'd take another red-eye back to Pittsburgh that night, so they decided to hit the beach in the morning. It was walking distance, but only barely.

"We totally should have come out before." Carlos said. "We could go to Sea World!"

Phoebe pursed her lips. She had conflicting feelings about Sea World.

"Oh well," Tim changed the subject out of habit. "Let's hit the beach." Phoebe smiled at him gratefully. Tim was grateful for these fleeting moments of normalcy, even if he felt he didn't deserve them. Phoebe was too nice for him, and everyone else was starting to get on his nerves.

"No fair. My foot got cut up by the other ocean." Wanda pouted. She'd made sure to add layers of bandages to her right foot. It wouldn't be hurt forever, and she'd have to milk this for as much as she could.

"That was your fault for running wantonly barefoot on an unvetted Jersey beach." Tim lectured.

"It was worth it." Wanda said, though she wasn't convinced. She'd planned on wearing her favorite heels to commencement, but she wasn't sure her bandaged foot would fit in them. Maybe she could get one of those boots for broken feet. _Then_ her stupid sorority sisters would feel bad for her.

Phoebe wore her running clothes to the beach so she could try to get a few miles in. The new Arnold and DA development gave her plenty of fodder to think about while running. Running on the sand was difficult, but she found a nice paved path, then took off her shoes and socks to run barefoot near the waves, where the sand was wet, for a little while. The beach was nearly deserted at 6 am, which was refreshing. Wanda lay out with a huge floppy hat and her ever-present iced coffee. She wore sunglasses so no one could tell she was sleeping, at least until she started talking in her sleep. Arnold and DA walked up and down the shore, holding hands and whispering. Ralphie, Carlos, Keesha, and Tim played Frisbee. It was nice to have a relaxing morning, but it was strange that the sun had risen over the land instead of the ocean. By the time everyone got back together, it was time for lunch. While driving back, Carlos and Ralphie insisted that they drive past Qualcomm Stadium so they could yell "Chargers suck!" and "Go Eagles!" Ralphie had added jeers about the Padres as well, even though they didn't play there anymore. He figured he could yell at Petco Park on the way to the airport. They found a nice restaurant near the hotel and campus, and sat down to eat.

"I could get used to this." Carlos leaned back in a chair as he ate his fish and chips. "California is awesome."

"It is when you have friends here." Wanda said. "Everyone at school was so fake. Like Tiffany." Arnold bristled a bit at the memory of the short-lived relationship.

"We should all come out here for a week or something." Tim suggested. "We could rent a beach-side condo…"

"That would be awesome." Ralphie said, leaving out the part about preferring to drive or take a train there.

"Guys, we could totally all take vacations together. We're adults now!" Keesha exclaimed.

"We could!" DA cried. "Well, once we're done with school anyway."

"Guess I'll have to go on all these awesome vacations by myself until you're done with school." Wanda smirked.

"You can't have fun without us and you know it." Carlos insisted.

"Wanda!" Mrs. Li cried, coming into the restaurant with her husband and in-laws.

"Oh Jesus." Wanda muttered.

"We decided to tour the campus." Mr. Li said. "It was very nice." Wanda was hardly paying attention to her parents, instead focusing on her grandfather, who was talking to the cashier.

"You see my granddaughter over there?" Wanda's grandpa was asking him. "She's about to graduate from college. She's single."

"Dad!" Mr. Li insisted.

"I was just helping." Grandpa Li said. "Don't you want grandchildren? Besides, what happened to the guy you were dating?"

"He was…" Wanda looked at Phoebe. "We just didn't work out."

"He wasn't Chinese. I told you – only date a Chinese man. He'll make you happy." Grandma Li lectured. Wanda clenched her teeth together.

"Well, I'd better get ready." She stood up and left the restaurant and half of her Cobb salad. Since Wanda knew the way, the rest of her friends had to abandon their meals as well, except Arnold, who jammed the last of his fries in his mouth first.

**Later that evening…**

"Is it just me, or are all these commencements alike?" Ralphie asked.

"It's just you." Carlos chided. "It's always just you."

"No it's not." DA argued. "They're all similar." Ralphie was relieved that DA was on his side for once.

"They're inspirational." Phoebe breathed.

"You already ran out of inspiration from yesterday?" Tim asked. Phoebe looked wounded.

"You can never have enough." She said. She felt like she could use all the reassurance she could take that things would be okay.

"I'm hungry." Arnold said softly.

"Me too." Ralphie said.

"We'll eat at the airport." Keesha insisted. At long last, Wanda had graduated. Five of the group were officially college graduates. Only two remained.

Immediately after commencement, the group rushed to the airport. They were getting good at leaving commencements quickly. This flight would probably be the worst. It was a red-eye, flying through the night, with layovers in Chicago and Philadelphia.

"If I planned our layover in Chicago, it would be during the day so we could see Soldier Field." Carlos announced.

"Yeah!" Ralphie's eyes lit up. "And we could heckle the Bears fans!"

Carlos high-fived him. "Suck it, Bears."

"And you could get yourselves thrown out of an NFL stadium. I don't think so." Keesha folded her arms. She knew she had to stem this off before Ralphie started talking about the baseball venues. Ralphie and Carlos living together was probably a terrible idea. Fortunately, Arnold might be able to balance them out. Then again, he and Ralphie enabled each other. This could be disastrous.

**later that night, in Chicago…**

After another long nap as a group on a plane, they landed in Chicago.

"Welcome to Omaha," Carlos said to DA.

"Can we please drop that?" She asked. "Ralphie, make Carlos stop it."

"As soon as you drop the breakdown." Ralphie said, not wanting to say "Intercourse" loudly, and not trusting his ability to regulate the volume of his voice when he was this tired.

"Come on, guys, let's roll. We've got to make it across the terminal." Keesha urged as she opened the overhead bin. Phoebe got Wanda's bag down for her.

"I can't walk that far. My foot is hurt." Wanda complained.

"Too bad." Arnold said. "We can't carry you."

"Come on!" Wanda begged. "At least carry my bag."

"Fine." Tim sighed and took Wanda's purse.

"Yes!" Wanda exclaimed.

"Hurry up!" DA pushed into Wanda. She usually didn't like to push in crowds, but Wanda needed encouragement. They filed off the plane and into the airport.

"Can we get pizza here?" Arnold asked.

"It's midnight." Keesha said.

"I could go for pizza." Ralphie shrugged.

"Let's go." Arnold and Ralphie dropped their bags at Tim's feet and ran down the terminal.

"How the hell did I end up carrying everything?" Tim asked.

"You offered to carry Wanda's stuff. It's a slippery slope." DA shook her head and wondered if she should run after the guys, but settled for wheeling Arnold's luggage along with her own out of the way of the people deplaning.

"I guess we should follow them." Phoebe yawned. "That way we're all together."

"Okay." Keesha decided. "Everyone, to the pizza."

Arnold and Ralphie were disappointed that there weren't any restaurants serving pizza open in the middle of the night. They had an hour until their flight to Philadelphia, so they hung out at the gate and played cards. It was another one of those random times when everything felt like it had in high school – they were all together and everything was normal. It was easy to forget that they were adults with adult problems, making decisions about the future that would impact the rest of their lives.

"You should start acting like you're on Eastern Time now." Phoebe told Wanda. "Force yourself to get up on time, eat at those times – that will help you adjust quickly."

"Or I'll just drink coffee to keep me awake, and pass out when I run out of caffeine." Wanda shrugged. "When are you going to adjust to Pacific Time?" Phoebe didn't want to think about that.

At last, it was time to board their next plane to Philadelphia. The gang found the appropriate seats on the plane, as had become a rhythm.

"I kind of hate to say this, but I'll be glad when this is over." DA sighed as she leaned against Arnold, who'd sat next to Ralphie. Ralphie was staring out the window, as he usually did.

"At least we'll have a day to sleep before commencement." Arnold fussed with his hair.

"I can't believe we're flying into Philadelphia and not staying there." Wanda said crankily. "Can't we skip Pittsburgh? It's just Arnold and Ralphie." Arnold and Ralphie scowled at her.

"We all flew all the way to California for you." Phoebe said.

"There's no bailing on this plan. We've come too far." Keesha insisted.

"Aren't you going to look for Omaha? Or Columbus, I guess." Carlos asked DA, who glared at him. Phoebe wadded up a sweatshirt and put it on Keesha's shoulder to try to sleep. Wanda fell asleep on Phoebe.

"I'm not cuddling with you, so don't get any ideas." Tim said to Carlos.

* * *

**May 20, 2006 – Day 5  
****Philadelphia International Airport  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Do you think they sell hoagies this early? My eating is all screwed up." Arnold said.

"I'm dying." Ralphie whined. "I need a hoagie."

"You two are driving me crazy." Tim complained. "Buy some granola bars."

"I'm sure there's some fruit or something." Phoebe offered. "Wanda, where's the food in the airport?"

Wanda was feeling so addled that she wasn't sure she existed anymore. "Somewhere."

"We have time to stop at a convenience store or something, but nothing else will be open." Keesha had to keep her wits about her, even though it was 4 am and it was difficult. _I've done this before. It's like one of those huge parties that we stayed up to document. I can do this._

"I need coffee." Wanda said.

"No!" Phoebe corrected. "You need to sleep. If you have coffee, you'll mess up your body's adjustment."

"Just give her coffee so she'll shut up." Carlos sighed. "Whose idea was this trip anyway? This is the worst."

"Look," Keesha whirled around. "Phoebe and I worked our asses off so we'd only have _two _layovers in the overnight trip, okay? How'd you like to go to Boston, too?"

"Boston is beautiful this time of year." Phoebe reacted without thinking.

"Thank you, Boston Department of Tourism." Carlos said.

"Could we drive past the Patriots stadium and Fenway to heckle them?" Ralphie asked.

"NO." Phoebe snapped. The darkness crossed her face and Ralphie shrunk away.

"Guys, let's just go. Let's just get on the plane and get to Pittsburgh." Tim wanted the trip to be over, but he didn't want to be stuck in this airport.

Just as they had finished purchasing food in the convenience store – Wanda marveling over the presence of Tastykakes – and reached their gate, there was an announcement that their flight was delayed.

"NO!" Carlos wailed. "This is why everyone hates Philly. It's this airport!"

"Philly is great and the airport is – fine." Ralphie pouted.

"It's not the airport's fault we're delayed." DA said. "It's probably something to do with the air traffic, and Philly gets blamed for it. It's all about the geographical location. Think about where we're located."

No one had the brain power to engage in a discussion about frequent delays at the Philadelphia airport, so they stood in silence, waiting for something to happen.

"Who wants to play cards?" Arnold asked.

**two hours later… **

"Keesha, you need to stop cheating!" DA cried.

"We're playing Bullshit, DA, the goal is to cheat and not get caught." Keesha argued.

"But not that much!" DA countered. "There's cheating and then there's _cheating_."

"Everyone calm down." Arnold urged.

"One ace." Wanda said, putting down her last card.

"Bullshit." Carlos shook his head.

"Read it and weep, suckers." Wanda turned over the ace. "Looks like I win again."

"How do you do it?" Ralphie asked.

"Well, the only ones who are good at detecting lies are Keesha and DA, and they're too busy fighting to pay attention." Wanda said. "Arnold and Tim are about 50/50, Carlos just likes saying 'bullshit,' and you pretty much believe everything."

"Do not!" Ralphie argued.

"Do so." Tim retorted.

"We're all tired and grumpy." Arnold tried to pacify the situation before Ralphie started yelling.

"Will you get me another coffee, Tim?" Wanda asked.

"Are your legs broken?"

"No, but my foot is hurt. Remember?"

"You're really milking that, aren't you?" Tim rolled his eyes and took the ten dollar bill from Wanda's hand. "I'm keeping a tip."

"Sure thing." Wanda said and Tim walked away. "Oh look, the plane's boarding."

"We can't board without Tim!" Carlos cried.

"Then you stay back. I need my window seat." Ralphie said, grabbing his bag. Keesha slung her messenger bag on her shoulder enthusiastically enough that it hit Phoebe on the head, waking her up.

"Tim's going to be mad at you!" Carlos called after him. Arnold and DA followed Ralphie, with Wanda trailing behind them, dragging Phoebe. Carlos and Keesha waited for Tim.

"That's the last time I do anything nice for her." Tim scowled as he boarded the plane with Carlos and Keesha. "I should spit in her coffee."

This time, nearly everyone slept, except Ralphie, who stared out the window, lamenting that they were leaving Philadelphia. _Once this is over, I don't have to leave Philly for a long, long time._ He thought.

**An hour or so later, in Pittsburgh… **

"That wasn't so bad!" Keesha said brightly. "Now how do we get to your school?"

"The bus." DA said. "My car wouldn't fit everyone."

"Why'd you leave your car in Walkerville?" Carlos asked Arnold.

"Because Ralphie could drive me everywhere." Arnold shrugged.

"Why doesn't everyone drive a van like Phoebe?" Tim complained.

"We only needed the one van in Walkerville." Phoebe reminisced sadly.

"Good times." Carlos smiled. "And now we'll almost be back to normal. Except Tim." He was careful not to tease Phoebe, who appreciated it. Tim, however, did not.

"Tim, will you get me another coffee?" Wanda smiled sweetly.

"Oh, hell no. Not after you abandoned me." Tim glared at everyone.

"Seriously, Wanda, if you want people to do stuff for you, you can't ditch them." Keesha said.

The gang shuffled onto a bus and most promptly fell asleep. Ralphie had just about fallen asleep when they arrived at the university.

"There's the hotel right across the street from our apartments." Arnold pointed.

"Okay." Keesha tried to stay awake. "Let's nap for a bit and meet up for lunch, okay?"

**Several hours later, sometime in the mid afternoon…**

Someone had been knocking at Arnold and Ralphie's door for a while before Ralphie finally rolled out of bed and went to answer it. "Arnold? Are you in there?" A voice called before Ralphie opened the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Perlstein." Ralphie said. "Arnold! Your parents are here!"

"What time is it?" Arnold called.

"Have you been sleeping all day?" Mr. Perlstein asked as Arnold entered the living room.

"We flew all night." Arnold explained. Ralphie moved out of the way so the Perlsteins could come in. He was used to the Perlsteins ignoring him. This also meant his mom was probably close, so he figured he ought to call her. Sure enough, he had several missed calls from her on his phone. Ralphie was about to call her when she showed up at the apartment.

"I see I'm not the first to think of just stopping by." She remarked, entering the living room and closing the front door behind her.

Ralphie and Arnold had both had several awkward moments in their lives, but standing in their apartment in their pajamas with their parents who hated each other definitely ranked up there.

"Um, you all remember each other, right?" Arnold asked.

The Perlsteins and Dr. Tennelli nodded.

"We were flying all night." Arnold explained. "We went to take a nap and just woke up."

"I still don't understand why you wanted to go on this whirlwind trip." Mrs. Perlstein asked. "Why not take the money and go on a nice vacation somewhere to celebrate your graduation?"

"I wanted to celebrate my friends' graduations, too." Arnold explained.

"Well, Ralph, are you hungry?" Dr. Tennelli asked.

"Yes." Ralphie and Arnold said together.

"Let me – uh, I should probably shower really quick." Ralphie finished. "Give me fifteen minutes?"

"I'll just wait here, I suppose." Dr. Tennelli sat on the couch. Ralphie dashed away. Arnold envied Ralphie's ability to think on his feet this time.

"So…" Arnold started. "I'm going to work at Aunt Rachel's law firm this summer."

"That's great." Mr. Perlstein said tersely. "I understand you've found housing for next year."

"Yeah! We're actually going to rent a house from Dr. Tennelli's sister."

"We?" Mrs. Perlstein asked. Dr. Tennelli tensed a bit. She hated that these people didn't like her son. She had nothing against Arnold, she was just afraid he'd abandon Ralphie. On the other hand, she had nothing but disdain for his parents who had decided her son was trash.

"Obviously our sons get along beautifully." She said. "Who am I to get in the way of their friendship?"

"Why isn't Ralph going to medical school again?" Mrs. Perlstein asked pointedly.

"He decided physical therapy was a better fit." Dr. Tennelli said tersely. "You should talk to him about it, not me. So, Arnold, what made you decide to go to Conwell?"

"They have a good environmental law program." Arnold said quietly. "I thought it would be a good way to combine geology with law."

"I'm glad you found a useful outlet for your rock collection." Mr. Perlstein said condescendingly.

Arnold's phone rang in the other room. "Excuse me, I should get this." He said and prayed his parents and Dr. Tennelli didn't kill each other while he was gone.

**Meanwhile, at DA's… **

"Ugh, I'm up." DA rolled out of bed and grabbed her phone. "What's up?"

"We just got up." Keesha said. "Want to grab dinner?"

"Sure. I bet Arnold and Ralphie are with their families." DA yawned.

"What do you feel like eating?" Keesha wondered.

"You know – I have no idea. Arnold and Ralphie usually pick what we eat." DA mused.

"Phoebe, pick some food." Keesha assigned.

"Mexican?" Phoebe tried.

"Or you could all come over here and we could order pizza." DA suggested.

"Works for me." Keesha shrugged. "Where exactly do you live and how do I get there?"

**A few hours later…**

"Ooh, leftover pizza!" Arnold came into DA's apartment.

"This is why I thought pizza was a good idea." DA said to Keesha.

"Dude, you just got back from dinner." Tim said. Arnold wasn't listening to him – he was texting Ralphie that there was pizza at DA's.

"So what's the plan for tomorrow?" Carlos asked.

"It's another morning commencement." Keesha said. "Then we all go back. I think the Perlsteins agreed to drive people."

"They're kind of cranky since they got stuck talking to Dr. T, so I think Keesha is the safest person who can ride with us." Arnold said.

"And Dr. T will bring back all the classless people." Wanda extrapolated.

"Speak for yourself." Carlos took a drink of his Diet Coke.

"I can fit four – three comfortably." DA offered. "Let's see what Ralphie says when he gets here."

"Do you have a TV or something?" Wanda asked.

"No." DA said.

"Why not?"

"Because whenever I wanted to watch TV, I went over to the guys' place." DA shrugged. "I didn't need the distraction here."

"But now your apartment is boring." Wanda shuffled through some papers on DA's counter. "What's this about a library degree program?"

"Oh, that." DA looked at Arnold. "I was looking into library science programs."

"Wait – you're not even done with your first advanced degree and you're planning another?" Keesha asked. "Because that sounds exactly like you."

"You know my dad works at Walker State, right?" Tim interrupted. "I'm sure he can talk to the librarians there to see if he can get you a job over the summer."

"Really?!" DA squealed. "That would be awesome! I've been emailing people, and I haven't heard anything. That would be so great!" She hugged Tim.

"Connections are everything." Wanda said slyly. "That's how I got my job."

"You don't have a job." Keesha argued.

"I practically do." Wanda retorted.

"I heard there was pizza in here." Ralphie said as he opened the door.

"I love how no one says 'hello.'" Keesha remarked.

* * *

**May 21, 2006 – Day 6, Commencement 4  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

"Please tell me you're done being inspired." Carlos asked as commencement wound up.

"No, it was great!" Phoebe beamed.

"They're all the same!" Tim argued.

"So?" Phoebe asked.

"Let's meet up with the guys. When are we hitting the road?" DA wondered.

"Probably as soon as possible, if you ask Ralphie." Tim said.

They shoved out through the crowd and finally spotted Arnold and Ralphie.

"Can we please leave?" Ralphie asked.

"Ralphie!" Dr. Tennelli called. "Before I take you and your friends home, let's go get some breakfast."

Ralphie looked at Arnold, who would have loved to ditch his own parents for some pancakes.

"I guess we're getting breakfast first." Phoebe said.

"I heard there's a lovely creperie near the country club." Mrs. Perlstein remarked to Arnold, who hadn't realized she'd come out of the crowd. "We'll take you home in an hour or so."

"Who wants pizza for breakfast?" Carlos asked his friends.

"We're not in college anymore, that doesn't work." Keesha felt a twinge of sadness.

"The pizza's gone anyway." Tim reminded everyone.

"There's got to be an IHOP or something around here." Phoebe said to DA.

"It's got to be walking distance – you won't all fit in my car."

"But my foot is injured! I can't walk!" Wanda cried.

"We could put Wanda in the trunk. She'll fit." Carlos offered.

"Tim, you can carry me." Wanda pleaded. "I can't ditch you if you're carrying me."

"No." Tim said firmly.

"Look, there's a diner." Keesha pointed. "Let's walk."

The gang hung out in the diner for what felt like an eternity until Ralphie texted that he and Dr. Tennelli were ready to go. Carlos insisted on riding with them so they could talk about sports, and so Ralphie nominated Phoebe to come along. DA would take Tim and Wanda, and Keesha would ride with the Perlsteins. Keesha wished they all had Phoebe's van so she could be there to lead all of them victoriously home.

"So, Keesha, you're not dating Arnold, are you?" Mrs. Perlstein asked warily.

"No ma'am." Keesha would normally have started laughing, but she could tell that Mrs. Perlstein wouldn't suffer it. "We're just friends."

"Arnold tells me you're an orphan." Mrs. Perlstein sounded morbidly interested.

"My parents died when I was young, yes. I live with my grandmother."

"And how is she doing?"

"She's doing well." Keesha didn't like this line of questioning, and they hadn't reached the outskirts of Pittsburgh yet. She wondered if it was too late to bail and ride with Dr. Tennelli.

**Several hours later, in Walkerville at long last… **

Keesha had called the group together to meet at the park to debrief. Wanda fell asleep on the table instantly.

"I've never been happier to see Walkerville in my entire life." Arnold enthused.

"Just think – the next time we do this, it'll be tons easier." Keesha assured everyone. "We have DA's graduation next year, then mine the year after, then…"

"Can we not plan this out right now?" Carlos asked. "We haven't recovered from this trip yet."

* * *

**author's notes**: we're over halfway there, folks, but if these chapters keep getting longer, we still have a ways to go.

**references and things I don't own: **

"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives." Is from _A Game of Thrones_. So is "I am the sword in the darkness… the realms of men," a reference to the oath taken by the Night's Watch, which Phoebe memorizes in another paragraph. The events Phoebe is glad aren't happening to her are all in _A Storm of Swords_.

Will Wanda ever learn that the gang needs to vet beaches before she can run barefoot on them? Why do airport restaurants ever close? Did Ralphie and Arnold get a hoagie? What did the gang have for breakfast? Will Phoebe ever stop being inspired by commencements?

Up next: graduate school, and the real world for Wanda. Not _The Real World_. The regular real world.


	14. wild and crazy guys

**author's note**: spoiler for _A Storm of Swords_ that hasn't appeared in the TV show as of the end of Season 4. Also, no offense, classics majors.

* * *

**chapter 13: wild and crazy guys**

**August 1, 2006  
****Walker Studios  
****Walkerville, PA**

It had been two months since Wanda had shown up to the studios that she'd heard were re-launching _In Your Face_ to explain why she should be a part of the show. "I was the feisty kid that threw this all in your face, remember?" She was proud of the pun, and made a mental note to tell Carlos so she could collect her high five.

"I remember – and great use of the title." Gerri Poveri admitted. She'd aged quite a bit in the last 13 years. The underwater action show she'd starred in had been canceled after two seasons, and she finally felt she was able to return to Walkerville in the era of pundit-led TV. _In Your Face_ could be re-launched as a faux journalistic show, like a local version of the _Colbert Report_. It was perfect for Wanda. "What happened to your cameraman?"

"He's an engineer." Wanda said dismissively. "I tried to get him to drop out of grad school to join us, but he wouldn't go for it."

"Some people." Gerri rolled her eyes.

Wanda was mostly doing grunt work, like going on coffee runs for Gerri and the crew. She pitched story ideas, but very few were deemed worthy to film, and she didn't get credit for any of them. Instead of being on-camera talent, she was often behind the camera, which wasn't in her wheelhouse. Just when everything was going according to Wanda's plan – she'd had the surfer boyfriend and passed college, after all – things went to crap again. Gerri had made mistakes before, and she'd make them again. Wanda just had to be ready to step into the spotlight when she had the chance. In the meantime, she would be nice to Gerri and wait for her chance.

* * *

**August 16, 2006  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

Corvallis State University was 2,900 miles away from Walkerville, not that anyone was counting. Phoebe flew from Philadelphia to Portland, then picked up a used car she'd had her uncle scout out for her, visited for a day, and then drove to Corvallis. "You'll love it here!" Her Uncle Steve had enthused. "It's so green." He'd moved to Portland from Boston several years ago. One of the advantages of having a large Catholic extended family meant she had relatives all over the country. By all accounts, she should love Portland, where everyone was young, beautiful, and vegetarian. Things were locally grown and there were composting bins alongside trash cans. As nice as Oregon was, it wasn't right because it wasn't home. Lots of things weren't right. The used car was a sedan, not a van. The further she got from the city, the worse it got. She'd only lived in the city and in suburbs, and now she was going to school in a remote college town. She didn't know which radio stations to listen to or where to buy groceries. She felt like she'd landed on another planet.

Phoebe had cried a bit when her dad and aunt dropped her off at the airport, but held her tears in on the plane. Now, as she drove, they returned. It hadn't helped that her breaks wouldn't coincide with anyone else's. Everything was conspiring to make her feel all alone. Airfare was expensive, so she'd have to pick and choose which holidays to return home like Wanda had. Unlike Wanda, Phoebe's family wasn't trying to fix her up with whomever had a pulse. Phoebe had already been in dialogs with her advisors about going back for DA's commencement, and had started researching when Keesha's would be the next year. If she had to work through Thanksgiving to have a few days off to return to Philly for commencement every year, she'd do it.

She had no doubt that she'd actually like Oregon a lot if she had someone with her. Keesha had started classes and loved them almost as much as she loved being in charge of a fresh crop of RAs. Wanda had her job and was still able to hang out with the gang frequently. Tim was walling himself off from everyone in person, but still talking periodically over IM and texting. Arnold, Carlos, and Ralphie were living in South Philly, within view of the ballpark and football stadium. Everyone was happy except for Phoebe. She felt a slight twinge of joy when she saw the sign for orientation:

WELCOME CORVALLIS STATE VETERINARY MEDICINE CLASS OF 2010!

2010 wasn't that far off; after all, 2006 was almost over. If Wanda could do this, so could Phoebe. If Jon Snow could become Lord Commander of the Night's Watch at 17, Phoebe could spend four years away from her friends. She was so lost in thought when she got to her apartment that she had to take a moment to compose herself before knocking on the door to meet her roommates.

"Hi! You must be Phoebe." Her roommate said. "I'm Ashley."

"Nice to meet you." Phoebe said shyly. Ashley was from Oregon, if Phoebe recalled correctly from their emails. She had another roommate from Idaho whose name was escaping her at the moment.

"Want to go buy some scrubs with Nicole and me?" Ashley asked. "I mean, after you put your stuff down."

"Sure. Let me just get a glass of water first." Phoebe said, setting her bag down near the couch. She hadn't brought much.

"A glass of what?" Ashley asked.

"Wooder. From the spicket." Phoebe pointed at the sink, and realized that people here didn't talk like people from back home, so she tried to say it how they would, feeling incredibly self-conscious. "Wah-ter." She couldn't even talk without sounding weird. It usually took her a few sentences to make a bad joke or for her feet to catch on the floor, either tripping her or making a loud skidding sound.

"Oh!" Ashley laughed. "Where are you from again? South Carolina?"

"Boston." Phoebe said. Ashley looked confused. Phoebe knew her Boston accent rarely came through – usually only in words like _Havahd_ and _wicket wee'id_. "But I grew up outside of Philadelphia."

"I thought people from Philadelphia talked like people from New York."

"NO." Phoebe was a little more adamant than she would've liked. Ralphie would've been proud of her. _We have a letter called "r" in Philly._ The thought of her friends felt like another dagger in her heart.

"Oh. Okay then. Here's your room."

**A few hours later…**

"Wanda? I have a question for you." Phoebe had fun getting to know her new roommates on their shopping trip, and thought they'd all get along well, but she had to talk to someone who'd been in the situation she was in now.

"What is it? Make it fast. I'm on TV now." Wanda said.

"Right now? As in this exact minute?"

"No." Wanda pouted. "I mean I'm about to be famous, so don't count on being able to talk to me forever."

"Oh. Okay." There was an awkward pause.

"You had a question?"

"When you moved to California, did people say you talked funny?"

"Oh yeah. They thought I was from Australia." Wanda remembered. "I wish I was from Australia. I bet there are tons of hot guys there. Why? Are people making fun of you? Do you need me to come and kick some ass?"

"No… It's just… I didn't expect to sound funny."

"Get used to it." Wanda shrugged. "Besides, it's not like the animals are going to care if you like sprinkles or jimmies on your ice cream."

"You're right." Phoebe smiled. _If I look back I am lost_.

* * *

**August 28, 2006  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

The first day of classes was going to be different without meeting Ralphie and Arnold for lunch. DA had a few friends in the department, but no one she was really close to outside of her library job. She'd returned to campus and to work a few days ago, brimming with enthusiasm from her summer internship at Walker State that exposed her to a variety of different library work. Their programs were growing and they had wanted to add a subject librarian in the physical sciences. They were incredibly impressed with DA's work that summer and her promises to come back over winter break, and were encouraging her to apply for the subject position when it came open, even though she wouldn't have her library degree yet. DA had hoped for firm confirmation that she was on the right track, and here it was. She just had to finish her chemistry degree and hope that the other scientists wouldn't make too much fun of her for moving over to the softer sciences. She had a feeling she'd spend the majority of her free time on the phone or on IM, instead of at Arnold's and Ralphie's, discussing food or baseball or stupid videos they found on the internet or whatever.

"It's so weird without you here." DA said to Arnold.

"I know. I'm about to go to my first class of law school." Arnold marveled.

"You're going to knock their socks off. You were born for this." DA assured him. She knew exactly what to say to Arnold to encourage him, and he knew exactly what to say to lighten the mood.

"I was born to sit in lecture halls?"

"You know what I mean." DA laughed. "How's the party house or whatever weird name Carlos gave you guys?"

"It's not the party house. Carlos tried to call us the _iThree Amigos!_ until Ralphie pointed out that Carlos would be Martin Short."

"Damn Ralphie, not letting Carlos be Steve Martin." DA laughed.

"I think Ralphie ended up being Chevy Chase, and I'm Steve Martin… anyway, Carlos settled on Wild and Crazy Guys. Even though there are two in the skit and three of us…"

"You know that Carlos doesn't care about minutia like that. He just wants to be Steve Martin." DA missed the guys – everyone, really. She'd expected to miss Arnold the most, and she did, but she could imagine the echoes of the argument the guys had over who got to be whom, and found herself wishing she was there. She'd never cared about the dumb arguments until now, when she couldn't just roll her eyes and leave. It was true what they said: she didn't know how good she had it until it was gone.

"I think Ralphie finally made Carlos turn off the dentist song from _Little Shop of Horrors_. It only took two hours of it on repeat." Arnold explained.

"You've got to help rein him in, too. Ralphie will give in after a while." DA lectured.

"I know that."

"Sorry." DA looked at her watch. "I've still got half an hour until class. What about you?"

"I'm about to leave. Ralphie's already finished his first class. Oh! Carlos had to wear a tie to orientation."

"And you don't?" DA thought the lawyers would be more into ties than the dentists.

"Well… I'm going more for snappy casual."

"What does that even mean?"

"No one knows." Arnold said, pulling on a blazer. "So I'm just looking good, like I always do."

"Of course." DA sighed. "I can't wait until I move back there."

"Me either. Go rock your chemistry classes."

"You got it, babe."

* * *

**September 5, 2006  
****Fitzgerald University  
****New York, NY**

Tim hated how cliché it was for him to come to New York to chase his dreams, but sometimes there was truth to clichés. He'd left his car, his friends, and his family to chase a dream. Granted, it wasn't for fame and fortune like everyone else, so he had some originality there. He'd visited New York a few times and had never understood some of his friends' distaste for the city. All he saw was opportunity where they saw a bunch of guys with the wrong uniforms.

He was finally on his own in a real, world-class city. He'd got enough scholarships to afford a studio in the student apartments. He was looking forward to being alone, instead of listening to Carlos prattle on about things. He'd be a real New Yorker, get a world-class education, and design heartbreakingly wonderful bridges. He had a chance to make a real difference in the world, which was now open before him. A bright young engineer could go far with the right education, and that's what he was doing here. Sure, there were other world-class engineering schools nearby, but none of them were in New York, the city where anything was possible. There were a ton of jobs in New York, so he could even live here permanently. It was close enough to get to Philly for the occasional trip to see his friends who were unwilling to leave their comfort zones. He didn't need DA or her theory. He could thrive without his friends.

When he'd said goodbye to his friends a few days ago, Wanda had tried to get him to ditch grad school for a "great new opportunity." He told her that he wasn't a total idiot and wouldn't flush his future down the toilet for her and her schemes. Now it was all behind him. He suspected that his friends didn't really need him – except maybe Wanda, and that was to carry her stuff. Now he'd see if he was right. He was in New York City – the center of America in so many ways. Here, Philadelphia was a quaint town for kids to visit on field trips. Everything that felt big about Philly was tiny here. Tim could get lost, or he could make a name for himself. It was entirely up to him.

* * *

**October 13, 2006  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"This isn't a top ten law school, so you'll have to make sure you're in the right extracurricular activities to get a job at a top firm." Arnold's advisor said.

"Extracurriculars? In law school?"

"I recommend the honors societies. They do a lot of service, and if you keep getting the grades you did in undergrad, you should have no problem qualifying. It's a matter of getting noticed."

Arnold Perlstein had never had a problem being noticed before. He'd hated it in elementary school, but as he'd grown up, he'd realized that his unique blend of neuroticism, caution, extraordinary good looks, and intelligence was something to be embraced. He could feel the fear of being stuck at his aunt's law firm with Janet creeping up again. He thought hard as he walked through the crisp fall air back to the subway, and let the train jostle the thoughts around.

"I can't practice law with Janet." He spat her name out.

"Perlstein and Perlstein is a catchy name, though." Ralphie said. "But she'd probably insist that it was her name first."

"You realize we'd probably kill each other, right?" Arnold furrowed his brow. "Kill or be killed."

"We'll get you into the honors society." Ralphie assured him. Arnold smiled. That's one thing the other law students didn't have: a loyal-to-a-fault DPT student willing to do his bidding. "You could run for class president. You're a natural politician."

"DA is a natural politician," Arnold qualified.

"Get her on Skype; she'll teach you everything she knows." Ralphie suggested.

"Okay. So I get involved in student government, and then they'll have to notice me. There are a couple of societies. I have to figure out which one is the best."

"You have a librarian for a girlfriend." Ralphie felt like he could have done his advising in his sleep. "Look, it sounds like DA could help you more than I could."

"Are you kidding me?" Arnold said. "She may have the political and research know-how, but you and I make the best team."

"True. Allied Health rarely deals with the political minefield that is the Franklin College of Law."

"Ooh, are we scheming?" Carlos interrupted, peeking out from the top of the stairs. "I can totally help you scheme."

"We're getting Arnold into the honor society. Wait!" Ralphie's eyes lit up. "Women find Carlos attractive for some reason."

"Hey!" Carlos cried.

"We could set up a 'rendezvous' with Carlos and someone..."

"That won't work." Arnold shook his head. "No one wants to date dentists."

"I don't want you whoring me out anyway." Carlos shrugged. "I'm doing fine on my own."

"We have to create a staggeringly brilliant campaign. Arnold, you're going to look awesome every day to get the ladies to notice you." Ralphie thought aloud.

"Done."

"Ladies notice more than looks," Carlos said. "You're going to have to show that you're smart and compassionate." He made a mental note to tell Keesha that he had indeed been listening to her discussions about feminism.

"Also done."

"Play it up." Ralphie said. "But humbly. The health programs are all getting together to raise money to fix cleft palates in third-world countries. Couldn't you call for the law school to do something like that?"

"It has to be legally related, probably." Arnold thought. "Maybe we could help... incarcerated people..."

"Give them legal advice?" Ralphie asked.

"Bad idea. But we could maybe buy books for their libraries?" Arnold's eyes lit up. "Yes! It's perfect!"

"See, I told you I'm the brains of this operation." Ralphie said.

"Whatever. You're..." Arnold thought.

"The feelings." Carlos interrupted. "Because Arnold's the brawn and probably the brains, and I'm the looks and some of the brawn... And Tim is..."

"Tim deserted us." Ralphie said sadly.

* * *

**November 22, 2006  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

It wasn't until the day before Thanksgiving that Keesha realized there was no way of getting out of her duty shift, making it necessary for her to phone her grandmother. "Grandma, I'm working on Thanksgiving." Keesha explained. She'd hoped to catch her grandmother before she started cooking, and had been lucky in that regard.

"You know I'm not going to be around forever." Mrs. Franklin was the master of the guilt trip. She didn't use it often, but when she did, it usually worked.

"I know… I'm just the newest hall director and I got stuck with Thanksgiving. I asked to see if I could sneak away for a few hours, but no one will be around. I'll have Christmas off, though."

"Are you sure?" Mrs. Franklin wondered.

"I'm sure, grandma. I'm so sorry." Keesha sighed. Normally she loved being in charge. She'd had fun training her new student leaders and trying to be friends with the other hall directors. She was good at making friendly acquaintances, but not as good at forging meaningful relationships with people. Every time she got close, she was reminded that she'd never be able to be completely honest with anyone. She and Phoebe had commiserated about this over Skype - it was obvious to Keesha that Phoebe's roommates found the whole "seven best friends since childhood" situation bizarre. Being stuck at school was one thing – being stuck at school in a way that denied her Thanksgiving dinner was too much to bear. She decided someone had to be able to bring her a plate of food somehow, so she started making calls. She started with DA, whose parents made the best food.

"So is working Thanksgiving making you any friends?" DA wondered.

"I hate you." Keesha said.

"Why?" DA asked innocently. She had a feeling where this was going.

"Because you were right about the friends." Keesha sighed. "You made it back home?"

"Yeah, and my parents want us to have 'family time,' so I can't come visit you on Thanksgiving. Sorry." Keesha should have known; the Mauers were notorious for their copious amounts of required togetherness. After their conversation concluded, Keesha tried another tactic.

"Wanda!" Keesha said into the phone. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"You are not going to believe this." Wanda whined. "I'm at the grocery store right now. I have to cook for everyone on the show. This is bullshit."

"Wait – Gerri Poveri is making you cook for her?"

"Yep. But I get time and a half, so there's that. I can actually afford new shoes next month." Wanda conceded. "Shit is expensive. Being an adult sucks." After five more minutes of complaining and debating the difference between yams and sweet potatoes, Keesha went to the next name on her mental list.

"Ralphie, my dear friend…" Keesha started.

"What do you want from me?" Ralphie was wary.

"Thanksgiving dinner. You're coming back to Philly after eating with your mom, right? You could bring me a tiny plate of food?" She asked sweetly.

"I can guarantee you there won't be anything left. My Aunt Brenda and Uncle Tony are coming with their kids, and Uncle Brian, who usually eats a pound of stuffing…"

"And then there's you." Keesha sighed. "Dammit. What about Arnold?"

"He's in the Poconos." Ralphie explained. "His family is too fancy for Walkerville Thanksgiving."

Keesha considered her remaining options. Phoebe was in Oregon still, probably working at the clinic to build goodwill and pad her bank account for her flights to Philly. Tim and Carlos were the only ones that remained. Both had parents that could cook decently well, and she couldn't remember a meal at either house that stood out to her. The Reynolds family knew her better though, thanks to Tim's parties, so she gave him a call. "Any chance you could hook me up with some Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?"

"We're going out." Tim said. "Dad just found out he's being promoted to Dean of the College of Arts starting January 1, so we're going to celebrate."

"Congratulations to him." Keesha said weakly.

"I'll pass that on, but more enthusiastically." Tim was smirking – she could feel it. Their conversation was short. Keesha feared Tim started to think he was better than everyone else now that he lived in New York. _Everyone's an ass in New York City_, Ralphie liked to say. Keesha hoped Tim wouldn't get too New York for his friends.

"Carlos." She said into the phone. "I know there's no chance, but…"

"Yes, I will let you go out with me." Carlos joked.

"That's not what I was asking." Keesha interrupted. "I'm stuck at school tomorrow and I'd absolutely love a plate of Thanksgiving dinner."

"And what will you give me for it?"

"Five dollars?" Keesha tried to think of things that would motivate Carlos. "Eternal gratitude?"

"The price for your eternal gratitude is five dollars?" Carlos asked. "If I'd known that..."

"Just – please tell me why you can't get me the turkey so I can start looking into what's in the dining hall."

"Oh, I can bring you turkey."

"Please tell me you're not making some sort of lewd gesture right now."

"No, I mean the food." Carlos said. "Although it might curse you, because it will be foiled again."

"Oh God." Keesha sighed. "Yes, I'll listen to your stupid jokes if that's the price I have to pay for turkey."

"Our dinner's at 3 – I won't make it back to Philly until about 6."

"Really?" Keesha was normally pretty level, but she was absolutely thrilled that she would get Thanksgiving dinner after all. "That would be amazing!"

"My mom makes some killer stuffing – do you like stuffing?" Carlos asked.

**The next day…**

The knock on her door came at precisely 6 p.m., and Keesha raced to the door. "You are literally my favorite person right now." She grabbed the plate.

"Don't gobble your food. Get it?" Carlos asked as Keesha shoved a piece of turkey in her mouth.

"I'm too hungry to care about your damn jokes." Keesha said. "This is really, really good."

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"

"I don't care."

"To show he wasn't chicken."

"Still don't care." Keesha closed her eyes to enjoy the food more. "I'm so glad your family doesn't keep you hostage all day."

"What? You asked DA first?"

"Yeah. To be perfectly honest, you were the last person I called." Keesha took a big bite of vegetables.

"Because I said yes? Or I was seventh?"

"Sixth, technically – Phoebe's in Oregon. It's nothing personal, I promise." Keesha said.

"Don't worry, I don't suspect fowl play." Carlos grinned. Keesha stared at him blankly.

"Okay, this is probably why I didn't call you first, but I owe you the courtesy of listening to your dumb jokes."

"I saved your Thanksgiving. The least you could do is laugh at my dumb jokes." Carlos negotiated. "What's the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?"

"What?" Keesha humored him.

"Turkey!" Carlos cried. Keesha laughed harder than anyone ever should. "Okay, now you're making fun of me."

"You didn't say I had to find them funny, just that I had to laugh." Keesha pointed out.

* * *

**December 13, 2006  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Phase One of the plan had gone well, and Arnold had been recognized for organizing the book drive. Phase Two involved pitting honors societies against each other in a bidding war, and Arnold had an in with one. Unfortunately, he had to deviate from the original plan for this one, so he pulled Ralphie aside. "Okay, I know this is a stretch – but I know a guy whose sister is in the Occupational Therapy program." Arnold said. "They can meet us for dinner tonight."

"Wait – so you're setting me up, and your date is a guy?" Ralphie was confused. Arnold and Carlos kept setting him up, and it had never been more than mediocre. Then again, the women he asked out often ended up being horribly wrong for him.

"I'm not going on a date." Arnold thought a moment. "DA won't be back in town until next week. We were going to go out for your birthday anyway – let's just invite these guys along. Please?"

"Please tell me I'm not some pawn in Phase Two." Ralphie said. Arnold didn't say anything for a moment, but he caved. He always did.

"It's for the honor society."

"You're pimping me out to get in the honor society? What happened to Carlos?"

"It's not pimping you out, trust me. My classmate, who happens to have a fair amount of clout in the honor society, says his sister is sick of being single, and she likes baseball – I checked. She's not interested in Carlos because she may be mildly racist. Worst case scenario, you get dinner and nothing happens." Ralphie frowned. Arnold was going to make an excellent lawyer – his persuasion almost worked on the first try. Granted, Ralphie was usually pretty easy to persuade, but Arnold had to start somewhere.

"Food poisoning could happen." Ralphie suggested. "It's my birthday. Does it have to be today? After last year, I'm really tempted to take my final and stay home and watch _LOST_. Maybe Carlos and I will watch _Arrested Development_. Did you know Lucille Bluth is probably based on your mom? She really should collect royalties."

"I know." Arnold sighed. "Melissa is leaving tomorrow morning."

"The OT student?"

"Yeah. She's going back home."

"Back home where?" Ralphie asked suspiciously. Arnold knew there was a right answer to this and he didn't have it.

"New York." Arnold winced.

"Ugh, seriously?" Ralphie started thinking aloud. "A racist from New York. Sounds like a winner. And she likes baseball? Oh no. There's no good option there."

"She's going to school in Philly. She can't be that bad."

A few hours later, Ralphie had taken his final and it had gone too well for it to be his birthday. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop as he got ready for his date. Occupational Therapy was a good field, he figured, and he hadn't been on a date in a long time. Of course, the honor society contact bailed and Arnold ditched Ralphie to watch _Arrested Development _with Carlos and Keesha. _And they wonder why I'm less gullible than I used to be_, Ralphie thought. He found himself sitting across from Melissa, patiently listening to her drone on about her limited understanding of physical therapy.

"You're really not getting a doctorate-level education." She said. "The DPT is the latest in degree inflation in healthcare. I mean, I'm getting a BS in OT and am probably getting the same level of education as you. What exactly are you doing that enables people to call you a doctor anyway?"

"I don't need to be called a doctor." Ralphie had to finish this topic so they could talk about something else. He always seemed to end up dating women who were mean to him, so he could handle that for one evening. "I'm just interested in rehabilitation and movement after my own experiences with physical therapy in high school."

"Let me guess – you were going into professional sports?" She asked as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, sipping on her cocktail.

"That was the original plan." Ralphie ate a french fry and tried to ignore Melissa's reaction. "But it didn't work out, and here I am. So Arnold tells me you like baseball."

"He did?" Melissa laughed. "I don't hate it, but I don't really like any teams."

All things considered, that was probably the best thing she could've said.

"So what made you come to school in Philly?" Ralphie asked. He hadn't abandoned hope that this date was beyond salvation, even after she'd discounted his field. _"Worst case scenario, you get dinner." _Arnold had said.

"Scholarship money and my brother." She scoffed. "I really hate this town."

"Oh. Well." Ralphie reached in his wallet. "Here's forty bucks; that should cover everything. It was nice to meet you." He got up. Life was too short to spend time with people that would discount the things he loved most. He would have walked off without paying, but his mother raised him better than that, and besides, that would really screw up Arnold's plans.

"What are you doing?"

"I think we're done here." Ralphie smiled politely. He called Arnold once he was outside the restaurant. "That was terrible. We need to stick to the plan. Are you still watching _Arrested Development_?"

* * *

**December 23, 2006  
****Penn Station  
****New York, NY**

Tim had finished his first semester of graduate school, and everything had gone without a hitch. He found he enjoyed being alone to reflect on things. He'd started drawing again in his spare time, and taking time away from his studies actually enhanced his understanding. His grades were great. He enjoyed his classmates. He'd expected to feel somewhat severed from his friends, but he felt liberated being on his own.

He had arrived a few minutes before the train left looking like he belonged in New York: a stylish yet manly scarf and beanie, earbuds to drown out the noise of the station, a fancy leather messenger bag with his stuff in it, and a disaffected stare in the general direction of where the train was going to be. He was used to being independent now – being alone here was the best thing that happened to him. He was about to return victoriously to Walkerville for Christmas when someone yanked his right earbud out.

"What the hell?" He asked.

"Tim! I knew it was you!" Janet cried. "What are you doing here?"

"Going home." Tim said plainly, then figured he ought to add to the conversation for politeness' sake. "I'm going to grad school at Fitzgerald."

"I go there too!" She exclaimed. Of course, it figured that in a city of eight million people, that he'd run into the one other person he knew at the train station. She looked a lot happier since the last time he saw her, but the last time he saw her was when Carlos was dumping her while playing Guitar Hero last year. She looked good though – wearing a fitted wool coat and jeans with heeled boots. Her glasses had thick rectangular frames. Her wavy hair spilled out from under a knitted hat and fanned out around her shoulders. She was as gorgeous as she'd been evil. "I just finished my first semester of law school."

"Please tell me you're not still psychotic." Tim was never one to mince words.

"Nice to see you too." She hugged him, and he reluctantly returned the hug.

"You didn't address my concern." Tim said into her hair and tried not to think of how beautiful she was. "You were wantonly hitting on everyone you came in contact with when you dated Carlos."

"Yeah…" Janet pulled away and looked around. "It was a confusing time. Mind if we sit together on the train? It's a long ride to Philly, and I already finished my book."

"Fine." Tim sighed. "But if you pull any psycho shit, I will make you change cars."

"Deal."

* * *

**January 1, 2007  
****Tim's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

"Someday we're going to get too old to have parties here." Ralphie mused. No one had hooked up this time, and they hadn't drunk enough to sing karaoke, so the guys were playing video games while the girls sat around talking. Arnold and DA had graciously not made out too much at midnight, much to everyone's relief. They'd sat next to each other and been generally inseparable, but DA had moved over to the rest of the girls after midnight.

"Not today." Arnold said.

"When do you go back?" DA asked Phoebe.

"In a week." Phoebe said. "I'm not going back as early, now that I'm not a student leader, and I want to spend as much time out here as I can."

"Aww… be glad your parents aren't legally insane." Wanda handed Phoebe a beer.

"I am." Phoebe drank. "How could you do this – be so far away?"

"Alcohol helped." Wanda shrugged.

"I'm focusing hard on classes." DA suggested.

"Me too, but it still sucks." Phoebe moped.

"Call me anytime." DA offered. "Really – anytime."

"What if you're in the lab and things will catch on fire if you answer?"

"Then I won't answer." DA replied. "I'm not going to burn the lab down. But I will get back to you."

"You're just sucking up because I told her not to call me." Wanda argued. "I was her friend first."

"Stop fighting over Phoebe." Keesha interrupted. "Because I will win every time."

"Thanks, guys." Phoebe said.

"Ladies." Keesha insisted.

"Thanks, ladies." Phoebe corrected.

"The girls are all in that corner of the room, and we're over here playing video games. This is exactly like high school." Tim pointed out. "You'd think something would change in the last five years, but nothing has."

"Um. A lot has." Ralphie pointed out. "We're adults now. We have more exes. We can drink legally. And Carlos says you guys smoked pot." Tim was about to berate Ralphie for being so damn literal when he got to the last point.

"You told them?" Tim cried.

"We're roommates! Roommates are like bros." Carlos explained. "I can't keep secrets from bros!"

"I wasn't judging you or anything." Ralphie shrugged. "You didn't have to get all up in arms about it."

"I should've known you can't keep anything to yourself." Tim said to Carlos. All of a sudden, he wished he was back in New York. That's where he belonged now.

* * *

**January 8, 2007  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Dropping Phoebe at the airport wasn't as much fun as picking her up. She'd continued her tradition of screaming and running at her friends, even as they were picking her up, but there was no one in Oregon to do the same to her. Keesha was conflicted – she had to try to remain upbeat for her student leaders, but she missed her best friend. Wanda was more like a little sister she had to corral, and DA was too far away. Keesha had to hang out with the guys more often, which was actually a lot of fun. It wasn't less drama, as men tended to claim – there was plenty of drama with the three guys, between Arnold's adventures trying to climb his way to prestige in law school, Ralphie's failed attempts at dating, and, well, Carlos. On this particular day, Carlos was sprawled out on her couch, complaining about Tim, while Keesha was on the floor, working on a bulletin board.

"I can keep secrets. I don't see what the big deal is."

"I don't know." Keesha looked up. "It doesn't seem like that big of a deal."

"And Ralphie keeps bitching about dating, but he also keeps dating bitches."

"Clever turn of phrase." Keesha said flatly. "Dating does suck, though."

"Didn't you get dumped last year?"

"Technically, all of you got dumped." Keesha explained. "I just – okay, yes. I got dumped."

"Yeah, I've been focusing on school." Carlos lied.

"Ha. I know you've had hookups." Keesha said.

"Who hasn't?" Carlos wondered.

"Phoebe."

"That's a given. I don't think she's capable. She thinks everyone who gets together is going to live happily ever after." Carlos continued. "I mean, come on, live a little."

Keesha felt like Carlos was staring at her uncomfortably. Or maybe his staring at her was making her realize things that made her uncomfortable. It had been a while since she'd been with a guy, and she was suddenly painfully aware of it. She sat up and leaned her back on the couch. "Are you hitting on me?"

Carlos hadn't decided if he was or not. "I don't know. Do you want me to?"

_Live a little_. Carlos's words echoed in Keesha's mind. "I don't know." Carlos sat next to her on the floor. She took a deep breath. "I don't want a relationship."

"Me either." Carlos smiled.

This could be the best of both worlds, Keesha figured. They'd end up friends no matter what happened. This way she wouldn't feel lonely, but she wouldn't have to deal with the drama of having a relationship. "What the hell." She grabbed his head and kissed him hard. It felt better than she could have hoped.

* * *

**January 30, 2007  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

"Happy birthday!" Phoebe said brightly. She had grown closer to Wanda and DA that year as they shared the misery of being alone. She'd also made a point to stay in close contact with Keesha so she knew what was really going on with the guys. She called Arnold to hear about how happy he was in law school, talked baseball with Ralphie, and steeled herself to hear what the latest in disgusting things Carlos was learning about. Teeth were gross to her for some reason, but she often countered Carlos's knowledge by going into detail about parasites. She felt awkward calling Tim, but she did anyway. He rarely returned her calls or texts. "What's new?"

"Um… nothing." Keesha and Carlos were keeping their friends-with-benefits status on the down low.

"You're lying." Phoebe pointed out. She was trying to learn not to be a doormat. She didn't have Keesha or Wanda to stick up for her out here, so she had to do it herself. Being more firm with Keesha was a safe place to start. "Are you seeing someone?"

Keesha considered her options. She could forgo telling Phoebe, but it was a matter of time before Phoebe found out anyway. She could just spill her guts and bear the inevitable judgment now. It was better than risking Phoebe getting hurt by keeping secrets. "If you tell _anyone_, I will kill you." Keesha said.

"Is it Carlos?" Phoebe wondered.

This was the flaw in Keesha's plan: anytime something happened, Phoebe would immediately suspect Carlos. It had happened with everything from who'd left a flaming bag of poop on Arnold's doorstep to, oddly enough, who'd won Homecoming Queen. "We're not dating." Keesha insisted. "We're friends with benefits."

"And I take it no one knows."

"Only you, and only because you're 3,000 miles away from everyone else." Keesha regretted reinforcing the distance, but it had been a factor in her willingness to tell Phoebe. "And you're my best friend."

"Of course." Phoebe said. She had to think this new development through, but first she needed information, so she had to approach the subject from a different angle. "Are you going to do anything with the guys for your birthday?"

"I guess." Keesha shrugged. "I went out to Walkerville yesterday to hang out with my grandma."

"How's she doing?"

"She's really healthy for being in her eighties." Keesha said. "She's slowing down a bit, starting to forget things – it's frustrating her." She really didn't want to think about her grandmother's gradual decline.

"So. Carlos." Phoebe continued thinking aloud.

"We are not getting married." Keesha insisted. "So stop thinking about it."

"I can't date anyone out here because of the theory. I have to live vicariously through all of you." Phoebe explained.

"Bullshit. Phoebe, if there's some vegan guy out there with hemp clothes and dreadlocks or whatever the hell they do in Oregon, date him. Live a little." Keesha figured she had to pay Carlos's advice forward.

Phoebe's train of thought wasn't derailed. "Arnold and DA are boringly perfect. Their long-distance relationship is actually working, which is weird."

"That's probably the meanest thing you've said. I know what you mean, though." Keesha corrected.

"Is it weird if it's hard for me to see Arnold with anyone?" Phoebe wondered.

"Not really." Keesha said. "You two dated for three years."

"Almost."

"Close enough."

"Do you think they'll get married?" Phoebe asked. "I'm sure his parents like her."

"I'm not going to follow them around asking them probing questions about their relationship."

"I'll get Wanda to do it."

"You know no one will tell Wanda anything." Keesha laughed. "She's promising to air our dirty laundry when she gets on TV."

"She won't." Phoebe assured Keesha. "Because then we'll never tell her anything again. She'd shrivel up without drama."

* * *

**March 30, 2007  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

DA shouldn't have been surprised that Arnold had made it into the honor society of his choice without her in-person help. Ralphie and Carlos were an interesting team, but they'd given solid advice. It was like watching the underdogs win in one of those stupid sports movies Ralphie liked watching. Sure, DA had provided a lot of support, but she'd wished she was there to see the fruits of their schemes.

Instead, she was in the lab. Now that she was almost done, she was seeing that a long career alone in the lab would have driven her insane. Her political acumen would go far in the world of academia, but faculty positions were difficult to come by. The library world was about to see an exodus of retiring librarians, and she could work her way up once she finished her second master's. She was more excited about her acceptance into Conwell University than finishing up her thesis project. Of course, she still finished her thesis and it was a staggeringly good work. Her classmates were derisive when they heard about her plans. It was eye-opening how cruel her classmates, who had just been her friends and colleagues, were. It made her re-evaluate how she treated others. She realized that she'd been pretty arrogant and decided to be kinder. It was difficult for her to turn the other cheek, but she could hang on for a month or two. Then she'd be among colleagues and friends again. It was amazing how lonely she got.

Phoebe returned her call as she was trying to be finished moping. "Perfect timing." DA said brightly. "I was just feeling sorry for myself."

Phoebe paused. "Is it bad if I usually feel sorry for myself?"

"No, I mean I was just wallowing in it. It's been almost a year since the guys were here, and I still miss them."

"I think I miss everyone more than ever." Phoebe sighed. "My roommates keep asking how I stayed friends with seven people from elementary school. They know it's weird. They have boyfriends, and they don't understand why I can't date."

"You could date." DA knew it would be of no use.

"What's the point?"

"Having fun."

"But... okay, don't take this the wrong way."

"You're hung up on Arnold." DA interrupted. "I know. It's okay, isn't it?"

"No. I'm supposed to be over it. Why aren't I hung up on Tim?" Phoebe thought a moment, then continued. "Because it just kind of happened, and Tim thinks he's better than all of us now. I spent years building castles in the sky with Arnold, and they're gone. There's just something different about it. I'm not going to do anything crazy, though. Don't worry about me. How about you?"

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes." Phoebe sniffled.

"I'm ready to be done with this degree. I'm ready to move home. It's frustrating because I know what I want to do, and I know what I need to do to get there, but I can't until I get this done." DA said.

"It'll happen soon enough. I'll see you in a month and a half!" Phoebe's voice brightened a little.

"My thesis is all done. It's really going to happen." DA smiled. Normally she would have talked about Arnold, but she wanted to be respectful of Phoebe's need to process through things. "Have you talked to Wanda lately about her show?"

"She told me she might get to be on TV!" Phoebe was thrilled.

"She'll talk your ear off when you're here. She misses you." DA was the best at reading Wanda's subtext. "And Keesha's beside herself without you."

"I know. She does have a lot to keep her busy."

"Right." DA could tell Phoebe was alluding to something.

"Everyone misses you, too." Phoebe said. "Ralphie says Carlos is getting out of hand, and no one can keep him balanced like you can."

DA laughed. "That's true. Not even the Dynamic Duo can keep him reined in."

"Have you heard from Tim?"

"Nope, not really. Everything is great, school is wonderful, the usual." DA shrugged.

"It's always good to talk to you, even if we just end up talking about everyone else." Phoebe said as their conversation was drawing to a close.

"We've got interesting perspectives. I don't think they realize how much we talk to each of them and each other. We're able to figure out things that they don't suspect we'd know."

* * *

**April 10, 2007  
****Walker Studios  
****Walkerville, PA**

Gerri had let Wanda report on a single segment of _In Your Face_. Sure, it was about the sewers in Walkerville, and yes, it was only two minutes long, but Wanda was finally on TV. The next day, she went into the office and braced herself for the fan mail. She was only a little surprised when the receptionist at the studio called her at her desk.

"Wanda, you have someone here to see you."

"Don't tell me." Wanda hung up before the receptionist could say any more. She glanced at herself in the mirror she hung in her cubicle quickly. She'd dressed extra hot today. This was all going to pay off. She walked up to the front, wondering if she should smile or look intimidating. It all depended on who came to see her. When she saw him, she tilted her head and smiled. "Harry!"

"Sorry to drop in without calling," Harry Arm said. "I haven't seen you for a while, and then you were on TV, so I thought I'd stop by."

Wanda hugged him. "It's great to see you! Did you like the story?"

"It was – educational." Harry said. "Hey, want to grab some lunch?"

Wanda didn't want to let Harry see that her entire life was controlled by Gerri Poveri. She figured it was better to tell her boss that she was leaving and deal with having to ask permission to go to the bathroom for a week than be turned down in front of a hot guy she'd hooked up with once. "Let me grab my purse. I'll be back in an hour or so." She told the receptionist.

**A bit later, at a local restaurant…**

"I thought you were going to be a teacher." Wanda said.

"I'm between jobs right now." Harry admitted. "The principal in my last school had it out for me."

"That sucks." Wanda could sympathize, but she knew better than to jeopardize her employment. "So you're living around here?"

"With my parents." Harry winced. "I'm sure I'll be able to find something. I've been substitute teaching, so I'm not a total deadbeat."

"Hard times happen to everyone." Wanda said. She was able to be understanding and nice when she needed to. She blamed it on Phoebe. Unlike Phoebe, she was able to turn the niceness off to get ahead. That was all Wanda.

"Really? You seem to be living the dream. You're less than a year out of school and already on TV! Do you love it?"

"Yes." Wanda said. She did love being on TV. "You know I went to school out of state. It was so hard being away from all my friends." She put her hand on his and he smiled. "So I know a bit about hard times."

"Are you going to be on more often?" Harry wondered.

"Sure!" Wanda said, even though she knew that Gerri didn't want her to be. _Someday, Gerri. Someday I'll have your show._ "Hey, we should hang out more. I really like spending time with you." Wanda also really liked saying things like this that made her sound like a real adult.

"That would be great." Harry smiled.

"You don't, by any chance, surf, do you?" Wanda could feel something to throw in DA's face percolating.

* * *

**May 20, 2007  
****Carnegie State University  
****Pittsburgh, PA**

After much travail, the gang had descended on Pittsburgh again. All the long hours in the lab and the snide ridicule of her classmates was going to be behind DA because, at last, she was graduating. DA couldn't stop beaming. Her classmates might have made fun of her for leaving "real" science, but she had a job in Walkerville as a subject specialist at the Walker State University library. They couldn't call her a librarian until she got her master's – but she could do that online through Conwell University. She figured she'd take some classes in person, but she didn't need to. At last, she'd be moving home with her boyfriend and her friends. Having everyone back together was divine. Her parents were trying to prepare her sisters for the long, boring ceremony, and DA was out on the quad with her friends.

"Are you dating Harry again?" Arnold asked Wanda.

"We never dated; we hooked up several times. There's a huge difference. He lives with his parents. I don't need that dragging me down." Wanda monologued.

"Is that Kim?" Arnold asked Ralphie as he pointed across the quad.

"I don't care." Ralphie said as he squinted at the crowd. "Oh God, it is her." Arnold grabbed Ralphie's arm so he couldn't run away.

"What was she even studying?" Tim asked.

"Being psychotic." Keesha replied.

"Sociology?" Ralphie tried to remember.

"That was me." Arnold said. "Thanks for mixing me up with Kim. That feels good."

"No, I think she was studying it for a while. Maybe she was studying communication." Ralphie was actually pretty pleased that he'd forgotten.

"It was classics." Phoebe remembered.

"How do you remember this stuff?" Carlos asked.

"I just do." Phoebe said.

"Classics?" Ralphie asked. "What the hell are you supposed to do with that?"

"Marry a rich idiot who will let you stay at home and eat bonbons." Wanda explained. "You were already an idiot, so she just needed you to be rich."

"I think we all caught that you were calling him an idiot." Keesha said. Ralphie was still lost in thought.

"I dated a _classics_ major?" Ralphie repeated, perplexed.

"For a year." Arnold said.

"An entire tortuous year." DA added.

"What was I thinking?" Ralphie's confusion wouldn't lift.

"You weren't." Keesha answered.

"Enough about Kim." Tim decided.

"Speaking of people dating psychotic women…" Keesha said. "Really, Tim? Really?"

"We're not dating. And besides, Janet isn't so bad." Tim snapped.

"Wait, you're dating Janet?" Carlos asked. "Do you not see how awful of an idea that is? Were you not paying attention when she was hitting on you when we were together?"

"That kind of sounds like you and Tim were together…" Wanda said quietly. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Look, Carlos." Tim said firmly. "I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions."

"This sounds familiar." Arnold said.

"I said that about Kim." Ralphie explained.

"That's what I was saying." Arnold retorted. "I was being subtle." DA nodded in approval.

"Janet and I aren't dating." Tim insisted. They had hung out a few times, and she hadn't acted like a sex-crazed she demon. She was obviously into Tim, though, and he liked the attention.

"Another thing Ralphie said about Kim." Arnold pointed out.

"Run, Tim." Ralphie urged. "There are too many parallels."

"Stop being paranoid." Tim scoffed. "Have you been reading those books? Is Tyrion in the walls?"

"The Tyrells are plotting your demise." Ralphie added. Tim wasn't amused, but Phoebe laughed.

**a few hours later, after the graduation…**

"Are you _still _inspired, Phoebe?" Tim asked.

"Yes!" Phoebe said defensively. "Commencements are inspiring. Plus DA got a nifty hood."

"Isn't it fantastic?" DA twirled around.

"Just being here makes me tired again." Keesha said.

"Seriously." Carlos echoed.

"Why couldn't you just be done with school?" Tim asked. "Do you need more ceremonial hoods?"

"Don't knock it until you've got one. You'll understand." DA promised.

"I'm pretty sure we don't place as much emphasis on regalia as you do." Ralphie said. He'd seen doctorate-level regalia and wasn't looking forward to looking like a quasi-Tudor king.

Tim couldn't wait to get back to New York. His friends seemed as immature as they'd ever been. Maybe next summer he'd stay in the city.

* * *

**author's note**: title is from an SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd

**references and things I don't own:**

Gerri Poveri and _In Your Face_ appear in _Ups and Downs_. Gerri was especially impressed by Tim's camerawork.

"If I look back I am lost" is from _A Game of Thrones_. Lord Commander Jon Snow is from _A Song of Ice and Fire_. Still. So are references to Tyrion being in the walls and the Tyrells plotting Tim's demise (_A Feast for Crows_).

_iThe Three Amigos!_ is a movie with Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short.

"Everyone's an ass in New York City" is a corruption of the lyrics to "New York City," by They Might Be Giants

"Not that there's anything wrong with that" is from _Seinfeld_.

"Sex-crazed she demon," in addition to being a fantastic description for Janet, is from _Parks &amp; Recreation_.

Will Wanda stage a violent coup of _In Your Face_? Is Janet still psychotic? Does Harry surf or not? What do you do with a classics major? Will Tim decide he loves academic regalia?

Up next, more graduate school. Did you miss baseball? Me too, so there's baseball in the next chapter.


	15. I am awake

**chapter 14: I am awake**

**August 30, 2007  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Arnold's life was erring on the side of perfection. Dorothy Ann was back in town. She was living at home in Walkerville while they saved up for the future they'd begun to plan. Maybe it was too early for Arnold to be serious about her, but he didn't care. DA spent a lot of time over at the guys' house, which was wonderfully familiar to everyone except Carlos. Carlos had enjoyed the relative free reign he enjoyed with Arnold and Ralphie, and now DA wouldn't let him get away with as much.

"I'm so glad I'm not going back to Pittsburgh," DA rested her head on Arnold's shoulder. "Remember that time the air conditioning went out?"

"Ugh, yes." Arnold could practically feel his hair reacting. "That was awful."

"I don't see what the big deal was," Ralphie was in the kitchen. He was never far from Arnold. It had bothered DA at first, but she was used to it by now. She didn't know why she expected things to be any different than they had ever been. Arnold and Ralphie were inseparable, and so dating Arnold meant dealing with an ever-present Ralphie. "It was just really hot."

"It was miserable." DA recalled. "Don't you have class, Ralphie?"

"Yeah, I'll leave you alone." Ralphie went upstairs to pick up his bag.

"He's less high-maintenance than normal." DA noted.

"He's distracted." Arnold explained. "And I think he's sick of being so damn easy to read. It wouldn't suit him well if he was openly frustrated with his patients."

"You could wait until I'm out of the house before you talked about me," Ralphie came down the stairs.

"Shit, you got the super-hearing." Arnold shook his head.

"Or I just know you too well." Ralphie posited. "This is the class with that girl I was telling you about."

"Ask her out. Do it." Arnold insisted.

"Fine." Ralphie went out the door.

"When's your class?" DA asked.

"An hour or so. When's the meeting or whatever?"

"Noon." DA kissed Arnold. When they were together, nothing else around them mattered and everything else seemed to disappear. Their kissing grew more passionate – after all, they had to make up for the year they'd lost being apart.

* * *

**September 19, 2007  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

The hardest part of vet school was the sheer quantity of information to learn, so Phoebe hoped Ralphie wouldn't be offended if he knew that she was half-studying and half-listening to him crow about how great the Phillies were doing. It was a real shame that the playoffs weren't considered a school holiday, but real life was hard, as Wanda kept reminding her.

"I'm telling you, this could be our year." Ralphie said. Things were finally going well for Ralphie – he'd gone on a few dates with a kinesiology student, Amanda, who was neither mean to him nor from New York. That was helping him cope with Arnold spending more time with DA. Normally he would have hung out with Carlos, but things had a tendency to break in spectacular ways when Ralphie and Carlos hung out too much. Besides, Carlos was spending time studying at the library to get away from Arnold and DA. Keesha was always busy with school or her students, Wanda liked to act like she was too good for everyone now that she was "famous," and "a real adult with an actual job," leaving Ralphie to his own devices. Thankfully, there were sports to fill the void.

"Six wins in a row is okay, I guess." Phoebe admitted. "But you're still second in the division." Picking apart Ralphie's happiness was better than dwelling on the losing streak the Sox were in or thinking about parasitology.

"Just barely. I'm telling you: the Phils are going to go far. How many consecutive losses are you looking at?"

"Stop it." Phoebe said sternly. "Do I have to remind you which team has won a -"

"No." Ralphie pouted.

* * *

**September 25, 2007  
****Walker Studios  
****Walkerville, PA**

It was a beautiful day in Walkerville when Gerri had let Wanda report on a story about a group of raccoons terrorizing a local high school.

"I think they're cute." Wanda had said, "And I need to know if they're soft. I think someone should catch one and pet it. Bring it to the studio if you can!"

"What about rabies?" Gerri asked.

"Rabies schmaibes. No one ever got rabies from-"

Gerri cut her off. "Thank you for the terrible advice, Wanda."

"Anytime." Wanda beamed.

The segment was a huge hit – stuffed raccoons started showing up at the studio, and emails begging Wanda to give more terrible advice came in.

"She had to know the advice was terrible, but she was so sincere. It was the funniest thing Walkerville has ever produced." A news article said. Wanda printed it out to keep it for posterity.

"An advice segment…" Gerri thought aloud in the meeting. She looked conflicted. Wanda wondered what her problem was. She'd do anything for ratings. Then again, letting Wanda take over would mean admitting defeat, and Gerri wasn't good at that. Wanda was young, pretty, and charismatic, while Gerri was past her prime.

"If we got this much response from one little exchange, imagine what putting her on the air for a whole segment will do." Barry, the producer, said. "Come on, Gerri, give up a bit of your tired satire."

Wanda thought Gerri looked a bit hurt. "We can answer some of these questions. I can tell the guy asking about his high school reunion to bring a boombox with 'In Your Eyes' to his prom date, even though she's married to someone else…"

"Isn't that a bit tired?" Gerri wondered.

"Or he could smash through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man." Wanda thought aloud. "I like that one better." Before she could try out her best Kool-Aid voice, Barry interrupted her.

"That's not bad." Barry grinned at Wanda, and she knew that today was the day she would look back on when she was old and famous and giving interviews. Wanda Li had finally made it. The only question she had was whose face she could throw this in first.

* * *

**September 30, 2007  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"I told you we'd get it." Ralphie boasted.

"Congratulations." Phoebe said. "Maybe we'll have a Red Sox-Phillies World Series after all."

"You know what the problem is with Boston? They expect to win. They're cocky."

"Wasn't Wanda on TV saying the Phillies should quit while they're ahead? Or fire their pitching staff and have the games pitched by the Phanatic?" Phoebe asked. "And something about a Kool-Aid man?"

"Her schtick is giving terrible advice." Ralphie said defensively. "Obviously they're going to win it. We deserve this."

"It's not who deserves it, it's who's better." Phoebe corrected. "The Phils are playing well, but so are the Rockies."

"Psh. The _Rockies_." Ralphie scoffed. "They'll blow the series so they can go ski and eat granola or whatever the hell they do in Colorado."

**Six days later…**

_I hate everything_. Ralphie texted Phoebe as he watched the Colorado Rockies celebrate after having swept his Phillies. Just like that, his dream was dead after the briefest period of being alive. Maybe Wanda's terrible advice hadn't been so terrible. Maybe if he watched _Angels in the Outfield_ enough times, the Angels would take out the Red Sox, and Phoebe would feel his pain. He hated the movie, though, and maybe the Red Sox winning would be better than enduring that cheesy crap.

_There's no crying in baseball_. Phoebe replied to his text. Ralphie felt himself grow hot. He had to make the Angels win, even if he had to sell his soul. He hoped watching the movie while studying would count as paying attention. One of these days it would be Phoebe's dreams crushed, not his. He had to do everything he could to make it happen.

"Arnold, do we have _Angels in the Outfield_?" Ralphie yelled. "I need it to make the Red Sox lose."

* * *

**October 25, 2007  
****Fitzgerald University  
****New York, NY**

"Hey, do you want to grab lunch or something? It's on me." Janet said.

"Sure." Tim shrugged. "Any particular reason?"

"Isn't it your birthday?"

"Well, yeah."

"There's your reason." There was something about Tim that calmed Janet down. She knew she was a pot-stirrer, and Tim mediated her more extreme side. Of course, he didn't like talking about his friends in Walkerville much, which she thought was a bit strange, though not as strange as the weird group dynamic the class had developed over time. They walked to a sandwich shop that they'd passed several times, but never bothered to stop at.

"I'm surprised at how much I like it here." Tim said before taking a bite of his sandwich. They were eating outside even though the weather was cool. They liked to do things a little differently.

"Me too." Janet looked around at the city. "I think I could live here. You know, after graduation."

"I was thinking that too." Tim confessed.

"You don't want to move back with your friends?"

Tim evaluated how much he trusted Janet, and decided to tell the truth. "I don't know. I think I'm doing fine on my own. They seem to think we're this giant codependent web, but we don't have to be."

"Arnold's codependent." Janet remarked. "He's dated his way through the girls. It's kind of gross, actually."

"And that's another thing." Tim continued. "I'm always someone's second or third choice. None of the girls ever really liked me on purpose. It sucks."

"At least you're not everyone's fourth choice. Not like Carlos." Janet joked. Tim laughed and only felt a little bad about it. "Seriously, I don't understand." Janet continued. "You're a great guy: smart, creative, funny... and very handsome, if you don't mind my saying."

Tim looked at her askance. "You like me?"

"Before I liked Carlos, and even then, that was more of a fling." Janet admitted. "Carlos may be everyone's last choice, but he's fine."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was in a weird place. I didn't want to mess up what could be a very good thing." She looked at him sincerely. "Want to come over after lunch?"

"Yes." Tim said resolutely. As they got up to leave, they nearly ran into a woman. Janet recognized her immediately.

"Tiffany? Tiffany Woods?" Janet asked. Tiffany looked at Janet and Tim quickly and realized who they were.

"Oh hell no." Tiffany turned on her heel and walked off.

* * *

**October 28, 2007  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

Phoebe knocked all her notes off the coffee table as she jumped up from the couch, screaming. Boston had swept Colorado – in the World Series. Her roommates had been somewhat alarmed at Phoebe's enthusiasm for playoff baseball at first, but were used to it now. She was really looking forward to her conversation with Ralphie, who was dreading the same. Not only had his repeated viewings of _Angels in the Outfield_ done nothing to help the Angels beat the Red Sox, but the Sox had emerged the champions.

"Did you see that?" Phoebe squeaked into the phone.

"Sure did." Ralphie replied.

"I told you it wasn't a fluke!" Phoebe laughed from the sheer joy of her team winning the World Series again. "Did you see how many times the Rockies won? Oh right, it was _zero_. Your team didn't have a curse and it's been 30 years, and after you got swept, we swept that team -"

"Stop being a Masshole, Terese." Ralphie's pain over his team being eliminated was nearly tangible. The pain of watching _Angels in the Outfield _smarted as well, though not as much. He'd made it more bearable by telling Arnold and Carlos that he "was always watching," and that had amused him until Keesha told him to stop being an asshole.

"We are invincible!" Phoebe crowed. "You know who won the first World Series?"

"Boston." Ralphie mumbled.

"That's right!" Phoebe beamed. Ralphie could only take so much anti-Phillies rhetoric before launching a counterattack.

"The Phillies are the oldest continuous franchise in the same city in all of American sports." Ralphie tried to argue.

"So they've been losing World Series for longer." Ralphie couldn't argue with that. It had taken the Phils nearly a hundred years to get their first and only championship.

"Masshole." Ralphie repeated. "I thought we had it this year."

"We swept the Rockies after they swept you. If we'd met at the World Series, that would have been embarrassing." Phoebe really wasn't letting this go.

"I dare you to say that to my face, Terese." Ralphie sounded vaguely threatening.

"Are you threatening Phoebe?" Arnold asked in the background. "She's harmless!"

"You know I'd say this to your face, and you'd have to take it, because gloating after the World Series is a protected act." Phoebe said calmly. They'd agreed years ago that should their teams ever win the championship, unlimited gloating would be allowed immediately following the game.

"Fine. Hooray Red Sox." His voice was flat.

"I'm telling you, we'll be having this conversation again next year after the Sox win. This is a new era."

Ralphie was left with the one thing that kept him going in the face of his teams' losses. "We still invented democracy."

* * *

**November 15, 2007  
****Walker State University  
****Walkerville, PA**

DA was almost done with her first semester of her second master's degree, and it was a lot easier than her chemistry classes had been. It was somewhat challenging to balance work and school, but her colleagues were all very supportive. It was interesting to explore resources for other subjects and talk to faculty on their level. They were impressed by her credentials, and she found that she had a passion for teaching data organization.

One thing that was difficult was that her boss wasn't giving her regular feedback. When she asked how she was doing, her boss assured her that she was doing well, but she needed to collaborate more. She couldn't just hunker down on a project like it was finals week. After all, this wasn't school. She wouldn't get regular grades.

"This is so weird." She lamented to her boss.

"The transition is rough. You're doing well, though." DA liked hearing that. She had a high standard for herself, and expected the transition to be seamless. Even though it wasn't, she needed to do things perfectly.

"I feel like I'm not, though." DA said. "I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and what if I do something wrong?"

"Then we deal with it. Fake it 'til you make it." Her boss suggested. "That's how we all got through."

* * *

**December 13, 2007  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Ralphie had spent the week preparing – Arnold wasn't going to set him up on any dates, his girlfriend was busy with finals, his mom didn't have any terrible secrets, and there was no way he'd go anywhere. When he awoke at 4 am to vomit, he knew all his preparations had been in vain. He dragged himself to his final, only to have the professor kick him out. "Please don't bring that disease in here. Email me and we'll schedule a makeup."

Ralphie spent the day in and out of feverish consciousness, parked in front of the TV with a rotation of Star Wars movies. He figured Arnold was probably starting and changing the movies, but was too sick to fully grasp what was going on.

"Shouldn't he go to the doctor?" Carlos wondered as he passed Ralphie and Arnold on his way out the door.

"I called his mom. She told me to let him ride it out for today and to call tomorrow if he's still like this." Arnold put a blanket on Ralphie.

"No wonder he likes you. You're like his mom. Are you going to make him soup?" Carlos mocked.

"DA will." Arnold ignored the jibe. "Where are you going?"

"I'm - um, studying late tonight." Carlos said. "Don't wait up for me. I may crash at a friend's so I don't end up with the plague."

"Okay." Arnold shrugged. He'd resigned himself to probably contracting the disease. Fortunately, his finals were over, so he had nothing to worry about. Since Ralphie was asleep, Arnold thought out loud to him. Hearing his voice helped him remember material better, and Ralphie wasn't awake or lucid enough to complain.

* * *

**January 20, 2008  
****Wanda's apartment  
****Philadelphia, PA**

With the success of her segments, Wanda had received a raise and was able to move into a tiny apartment on her own. The show was sold from the Walkerville station to a bigger one in Philadelphia, and Wanda was hosting now, with Gerri as a reporter.

With more money, Wanda could afford amenities like cable and a new iPhone before any of her friends got one, and she had invited her friends over to watch a new TV show that was supposed to be really good - _Breaking Bad_. Tim and Phoebe had already gone back to school, and Arnold and DA had decided that they didn't want to stay out that late in the bad part of town where Wanda lived. Keesha and Carlos had agreed to come over, but Ralphie was holding out.

"You talk to him." Carlos suggested. "He's moping again. Not baseball moping."

"Ralphie." Wanda said when Ralphie picked up the phone.

"Wanda." Ralphie sounded awful.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Amanda dumped me. She's apparently been in love with someone else or something."

"You know what will make you feel better? A TV show about a high school teacher who cooks meth." She suggested.

"Not today."

"Yes today." Wanda was trying a nicer approach than she usually would. "It'll distract you from your problems." She hoped he noticed she didn't call his problems stupid for once, even though they kind of were.

"I don't want to go out. Arnold's not going, is he?"

"No." Wanda conceded. "But you can go with Carlos. He's like your bro. Roommates are like bros, remember?"

"Remember in high school when Carlos and I decided to shoot off fireworks in the field and may or may not have set it on fire?" Ralphie was sounding a little better.

"Yeah." Wanda had wished she was there.

"And how Carlos isn't allowed to have fire because that was the third time he's lit something on fire?"

"Good times."

"And that's why Carlos and I don't really hang out."

"You got your truck on fire all on your own." Wanda pointed out.

"Do you really think Carlos and I can drive all the way across town without something terrible happening?"

"If you don't, I'll cry." Wanda rarely used her most powerful weapon. Since she rarely cried, her tears were potent. Phoebe's tears meant little to nothing. Wanda's tears could move mountains.

"Fine." Ralphie sighed. "I'll come over this once."

The guys arrived at Wanda's apartment to find Keesha and Wanda already there, eating takeout.

"Too bad Tim's not here. He's the TV connoisseur." Carlos lamented.

"Stop moping! You can't ruin my first adult type dinner party." Wanda said.

"We ordered takeout." Keesha pointed out. "And we're watching TV."

"This is supposed to be a great show." Wanda insisted as it began.

"Holy shit." Carlos said after the opening scenes. "You didn't say it was about meth."

"Never doubt my taste." Wanda said.

"You like terrible things, like _Hot Chicks_." Ralphie argued.

Wanda laughed. "But this time I was right about something dramatic and good. I'm incredibly complex and deep, like an iceberg."

"Sure you are." Carlos rolled his eyes.

After the show was over, Keesha was the first to say something. "Well, I hope being a librarian pays well so DA doesn't have to turn to cooking meth."

"Wait, why is DA the unappreciated chemistry genius?" Carlos asked.

"Who else would be?" Wanda wondered. "Ralphie took two classes."

"I took more than two."

"I majored in chemistry!" Carlos argued. "I spent hours in the lab trying to blow shit up or not blow shit up, depending on what I felt like."

"Sure, but the qualification is to be a chemistry _genius_." Keesha mused.

"I'm a genius!" Carlos glared at her.

"Sure you are." Ralphie said. "I think you just want to run around the desert in your tighty whiteys."

"I'm a boxers man and you know it." Carlos replied. "Come on, just give me one reason why I don't get to be Walter White."

"You want to be Walter White?" Wanda asked. "Really?"

"Yeah, I think you're going to regret that." Keesha mused.

* * *

**February 27, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"What are you doing here?" Arnold asked Keesha, who was in their living room, playing Lego Star Wars.

"Not homework." Keesha shrugged.

"Huh, I thought you were busy all the time." Arnold sat next to her. "Mind if I join?" He grabbed a controller.

"Yeah, well." Keesha wished she and Carlos had got their story straight before this happened. "Work hard, play hard, I guess."

Arnold laughed. "Seriously. Be glad you're almost done. I've heard the third year of law school is brutal."

"You'll do fine. You're an argument genius." Keesha thought keeping the subject on Arnold would help a lot. "Things seem to be going well for you."

"Everything's coming up Arnold." Arnold smiled. "Do you think Ralphie's mad at me?"

"What?" Keesha didn't let herself be distracted by Arnold's sudden change of subject and picked up a bunch of studs. "Why?"

"Because I've been hanging out with DA so much and Carlos is always away." Arnold explained. "He's kind of got the short end of the stick here. I feel bad for him."

"What about Wanda?"

"Wanda's a wild card. She'll do whatever she wants, and you know how she is about Ralphie not counting. He hates that." Arnold said. "He's probably going to hold a grudge about that forever."

"So what do you want me to do? Entertain him?" Keesha was hoping this wasn't a set up. At least she had several good reasons why she wouldn't date Ralphie that had nothing to do with Carlos.

"That would be nice. Or you could just talk to him." Arnold suggested. "I just feel like a jerk, but I need to spend time with DA, too."

"Can't the three of you hang out, like Pittsburgh?"

"The dynamic shifted when DA and I got together."

"I thought it shifted when you started liking each other." Keesha recalled Ralphie's copious discontented text messages.

"I just get worried about him, you know?" Arnold asked.

"You worry about everything. You're straight-up neurotic." Keesha stated.

"True." Arnold said. "Thank you for the crushing realism, as always."

"Any time."

"So how's life? We haven't caught up for a while."

"Oh, it's good. I've just been busy with projects and papers, you know. Leadership for social justice and learning how impossible it is to fire anyone with tenure." Keesha's tone was cavalier. "It's so weird that I'm almost done."

"I know!" Arnold enthused. "It seems like yesterday that we were all in high school..."

"And you brought your shoe for the two things that are related project. Really, Arnold? Your shoe?"

"Tuna fish sandwich? Seriously?" Arnold shot back. They both burst into laughter. "Why don't we hang out more?"

"Because you split your time equally between DA and Ralphie." Keesha said. "And I have to split mine between consoling Phoebe and corralling Wanda."

"Damn." Arnold said. "Want to play another level?"

"Hey! Lego Star Wars!" Ralphie cried once he saw what was going on in the living room. "If I didn't have this huge test..."

"Hurry up, Tennelli!" One of Ralphie's classmates called from outside. Ralphie grabbed something from his room and left, but Keesha and Arnold hardly noticed. They kept playing and chatting until DA called Arnold, and then they just kept playing as Arnold convinced DA to come over.

"What's going on in here?" Carlos asked when he got back from class.

"Lego Star Wars, obviously." Keesha shrugged.

"Ralphie is going to be pissed that you're beating it before he is." Carlos folded his arms. "Someone has to look out for him."

"I am looking out for him!" Arnold argued.

"Sure." Carlos nodded mockingly. "DA, is Arnold neglecting Ralphie?"

"What?" DA asked as she closed the front door. "That's kind of a loaded question."

"We should get Wanda over here and make it an official party." Keesha sighed. When no one objected, she got out her phone. "You guys do have Guitar Hero, right?"

"We don't have 'Smoke on the Water.'" Carlos insisted.

"It broke." Arnold continued the lie.

"You losers are still playing video games all the way into grad school?" Wanda mocked when she arrived.

"Um, you came to play with us." DA pointed out.

"I came to make fun of you."

"Sure you did." Keesha handed Wanda the controller.

"I'll play with you. I'm not that good." DA offered.

"Whatever. I'm great at this." Wanda insisted. "I have a natural talent."

"Does someone have a video camera?" Carlos asked. DA suppressed a laugh.

Wanda was not as gifted as she had believed, and nearly broke a controller out of rage. On the other hand, Carlos and DA were able to navigate a level together quickly and efficiently.

"Impressive," Keesha said.

"You doubted me?" DA asked.

"No, I doubted him." Keesha pointed.

"We have excellent teamwork. We kept getting stuck together all through elementary school." Carlos explained.

"Because we were dating. A small detail to omit." DA raised her eyebrows.

"Not in elementary school we weren't." Carlos said.

"It's great to talk about things like normal people." Arnold said. "I like when we can all get together like this."

"Except Tim and Phoebe are gone." Carlos said. "And Ralphie's off doing whatever he's doing."

"Studying." DA clarified. "Which is what we should all be doing."

"Meh." Carlos shrugged. "Bending wires into circles is for losers and orthodontists."

"Losers." Wanda said. "Just be glad I can take time out of my busy to schedule to be with you."

"We're eternally grateful that you graced us with your presence." Keesha deadpanned.

"You're welcome." Wanda smirked. "I don't even care if you're making fun of me. I'm actually a productive member of society now." She sat on the arm of the couch and her tone shifted. "I do miss everyone though. Not that it makes you right."

"Facts make me right." DA folded her arms.

"She has a gift." Keesha felt obliged to say. "Phoebe says so."

"I think Tim has better falsetto than Ralphie." Carlos admitted.

"Blasphemy!" Arnold cried. "Phoebe's never been wrong about the gifts!"

"I'm telling you, she is." Carlos said. "Tim and I are like bros."

"I don't want to hear anymore about what you and Tim did in New Jersey." Wanda wrinkled her nose. "Ew."

"You're still here?" Ralphie asked as he came back from studying. "What's going on?"

"We're just hanging out." DA said.

"Tim has better falsetto than you." Wanda blurted. "Phoebe's wrong about the gifts and everything we know is wrong."

"What?" Ralphie was taken aback. "Do you have proof?"

"Carlos said." Wanda said.

"Way to throw me under the bus." Carlos glared.

* * *

**March 7, 2008  
****Fitzgerald University  
****New York, NY**

It hadn't taken Tim and Janet long to realize how well they worked together. Tim didn't understand why the girls he'd dated before had been so boring where Janet was spontaneous and energetic. She had a bright future as a lawyer, and was excelling in law school. She wanted to be a criminal prosecutor and would talk through some case studies with Tim. The world would be a better place when Janet was getting criminals off the streets. The moments where Tim thought about his friends became fewer and further between. He got used to navigating past the environmental engineering courses without thinking about how that was what Arnold's parents had wanted him to do.

Tim's rationality balanced Janet's enthusiasm, and his more emotional side tempered her ruthlessness. They were a brilliant and beautiful couple, perfectly balanced, and nothing would stop them.

* * *

**April 29, 2008  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

Phoebe liked her roommates quite a bit. They knew each other well enough, and they knew about her weird closeness with her childhood friends, though they didn't question it much to Phoebe. Phoebe immersed herself in classes, as DA suggested, and found herself enjoying weekly beers with her roommates. She kept running as much as her schedule allowed, and the year was simultaneously dragging and flying by. She was still depressed about being away from her home, and she often found herself lonely. When that happened, she went running or studied. Sometimes she listened to recorded lectures on her runs.

One evening, she noticed she had a voicemail from Keesha.

"Listen to this," Keesha whispered.

"No one calls lawyers doctors." Carlos was arguing.

"No one calls physical therapists doctors either. It's confusing." DA said.

"It's close enough!" Ralphie cried. "I got a white coat, just like Carlos."

"White coats don't make you doctors." DA sighed.

"No one is going to call you 'the doctors'." Keesha said, probably to clarify what the argument was for the voicemail.

"Everyone is going to call me 'doctor.'" Carlos insisted. "And Ralphie is going to be kind of a doctor. He's getting a doctorate."

"So am I!" Arnold argued. "JD stands for Juris Doctor."

"You get to put 'Esquire' after your name. Or 'Attorney at Law,' which also sounds cool." Ralphie said.

"You're not going to be a doctor!" DA said.

"I got a white coat!" Ralphie repeated.

"What about Phoebe?" Keesha asked.

"She can be one of us." Carlos conceded. "Didn't she have a white coat ceremony?"

"I can't believe DA won't be one of the doctors." Ralphie mused.

"Yet." DA added.

"I don't see how Ralphie's degree counts but mine doesn't." Arnold was probably arguing for the sake of argument, Phoebe realized.

"Because if you're one of the doctors, so is Janet, and I don't want to live on a planet where she's a doctor." Carlos explained. "It's logical."

"Okay, that's a decent point." Arnold said. "Keesha, why are you holding your phone like that?"

The message ended there. Phoebe was in tears. She missed her friends so much.

"What's going on?" Nicole asked.

"Remember all the stories I told you about my friends?" Phoebe said, wiping away tears. "Listen to this."

* * *

**May 17, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Before her graduation, Keesha had re-sworn Phoebe to secrecy about the situation with Carlos, which had persisted, much to their mutual surprise. Keesha wondered how either of them ended up with such good grades, considering all their extracurricular involvement. She admired how Carlos was able to study efficiently and have plenty of time to goof around. Ralphie mixed studying with goofing off, and Arnold was less efficient at learning the material, though better at studying for long periods of time. Carlos didn't need to study as much as the other guys, but when he was studying, he studied hard. He would spend the majority of his time in the clinic now, working with actual patients.

Keesha, on the other hand, was done. Two years of supervising students in housing had been great, but something about it wasn't quite right. She had recently accepted a job as an academic advisor at Conwell University, who were excited about having an alumna return to work for them.

"Are you so excited? I'm so proud of you!" Phoebe beamed.

"You're proud of everyone." Carlos remarked.

"Of course I am!" Phoebe admired Keesha's hood. "Look at how cool this is! I won't get one until -"

"Yours will be bigger and you know it." Keesha interrupted. "And I'm going to drag everyone to Oregon to see it." Phoebe smiled dreamily.

"We're halfway there." Phoebe said.

"Livin' on a prayer." Carlos added. "Please don't sing." He turned to Ralphie.

"I wasn't going to." Ralphie lied. "But it's a good song."

"Dude, next year this will be us." Arnold mused. "And Tim."

"He's still one of us." Carlos insisted. Tim shrugged.

"So, DA, planning a third master's yet?" Wanda asked.

"No." DA said. "I think I'm -"

"Going for a doctorate?" Wanda pressed.

"Done." DA corrected. "For now."

"You should get a PhD." Wanda suggested. "Because you're smart. And you know you want to be one of the doctors."

"How does everyone know about that?" Carlos asked.

"I kept a recording." Phoebe explained.

"That's incredibly creepy." Tim remarked. Phoebe took a deep breath to compose herself from the initial hurt of the remark.

"You call yourselves the doctors?" Janet asked incredulously. "You know none of you are going to be actual doctors, right?"

Ralphie narrowed his eyes. "Close enough." He'd been through a lot that year, between the Phillies losing their place in the World Series to Amanda's realization that she'd been in love with someone else all along. The last thing he needed was for Janet to revoke his membership in a stupid club that didn't matter.

"Dentists are doctors." Carlos argued.

"Right. You get the in-depth rigorous training physicians get." Janet said sarcastically.

"They have 'doctor' as their title." Keesha clarified.

"So do philosophy professors. It doesn't make them doctors." Janet said. Tim wasn't sticking up for his friends, which made Phoebe sad. "So what are you two, then, masters?" She turned to DA and Keesha.

"Yes, actually. Please make me call DA 'master' from now on." Keesha stared at Janet unflinchingly. "That has absolutely zero racial undertones."

"No one calls anyone 'master'. Just drop the title argument; it's stupid." Janet folded her arms.

"Let's stop this." Arnold said. "Where are we going after commencement? McDonald's?"

"We've been going to that McDonald's for six years." Tim sighed. "Can't we go to a restaurant for adults?"

"Like a strip club?" Wanda wondered.

"Terrible advice, Wanda." DA said.

"Let me write it down then." Wanda pulled out a pad of paper to scrawl it down.

* * *

**June 21, 2008  
****Tim's house  
****Walkerville, PA**

It was another one of those parties where everyone ended up drunk enough to get on the roof, though they mostly stayed in the basement. Tim's parents had given up on caring about these shindigs years ago and often left the house to the gang. Janet's presence meant Phoebe was on edge, with Keesha and Wanda trying to protect her for part of the night.

"I think Arnold and I are going to get married." DA mused.

"Really?" Phoebe's excitement was actually increased by her drunkenness, something Wanda hadn't considered as being possible. "That's weird - no offense. I just thought he and I would get married."

"Well you're not. No offense." DA said. "And what's up with Tim and Janet?"

"Meanwhile, the guys are playing video games. Like always." Keesha said. She wasn't as drunk as she would have been, because she had secrets to keep.

"Do you really think Tim and Janet are serious?" Wanda asked. She looked worried.

"They seem happy." Phoebe tried to be happy for them. She inherently distrusted Janet, but was optimistic as a rule. She had no idea how she felt about this. "Happier than he was with me."

"Oh, Phoebe." Keesha put a hand on Phoebe's arm to comfort her.

"Is Janet part of the theory?" Wanda wondered. Something was obviously troubling her.

"Sure." DA shrugged. "I mean, we had to drag all her shit around the solar system; I'd say that qualifies."

"Shit." Wanda looked around.

"What?" Phoebe asked. "What's wrong?" Wanda got up and ran to where the guys were and grabbed Carlos, yanking him up the stairs that led to the roof.

"What the hell is she doing this time?" Keesha wondered.

"I am not chasing her halfway across Walkerville again." DA sipped her drink and the girls all simultaneously recalled trying to chase a drunken, speed-walking Wanda through Walkerville without drawing attention to themselves. It was fortunate that she'd been followed, as Wanda had fallen into a hedge near Carlos's house and couldn't get herself out.

"What's her problem?" Tim asked as the guys came over to where the girls were sitting.

"I have no clue." DA said. "She just got super worried about something."

"What were you talking about?" Ralphie asked.

"How everyone is all happy in couples." Phoebe took a long drink.

"Oh." Ralphie grabbed a nearly-empty bottle of whiskey and polished it off.

"I think you've had enough." Arnold grabbed the bottle. "You're going to do something stupid if you keep drinking."

Wanda reappeared, dragging Carlos behind her. "We're getting married." Wanda announced.

"What?!" Keesha and Phoebe looked at each other briefly. Keesha could feel rage building up in her. She wasn't drunk enough to punch Wanda, but wished she was.

"I can't be last. And I can't end up alone." Wanda explained.

"But why Carlos?" Arnold asked.

"Why not Carlos?" Carlos replied, purposely avoiding Keesha's glare.

"Clearly you haven't thought this through." DA said. "You two would be an absolute train wreck."

"I think we should all just sleep this off before anyone else does anything disastrous." Tim held up his hands. Keesha's head was reeling. She couldn't storm out without arousing suspicion, so she went to lay down in one of the spare bedrooms as everyone began to disperse. Phoebe joined her and lay on the bed.

"No one will remember anything." Phoebe promised before falling asleep. Phoebe could fall asleep almost instantaneously, something Keesha envied as she stewed in her anger for an hour before drifting to sleep.

Carlos avoided Keesha the next morning as they dragged themselves to a pancake house for breakfast. After their checks arrived, Wanda tapped her glass with her spoon.

"Why are we making loud noises again?" Janet groaned.

"Everyone listen to me!" Wanda said. "Carlos and I are not getting married. It was an experiment for my job, which is being on TV and being more famous than all of you."

"Thanks for the reminder." Arnold mumbled.

"It was all a mistake. I was playing a joke on you and you fell for it!" Wanda tried.

Her friends couldn't be fooled. They knew that she'd been serious. She'd admit it when she was ready, but for now, everyone had to live in her denial.

After they'd gone home, Keesha called Carlos. He ignored her calls until later that afternoon.

"Why are you ignoring me?" Keesha demanded.

"Because you're angry."

"So you're making me angrier?" Keesha fumed.

"Sorry." Carlos tried.

"Are you? Really?" Keesha demanded. "Look, if you're going to get drunkenly engaged, why not to the person you're actually banging?"

"I was drunk!" Carlos argued.

"So was I, but I wasn't dumb enough to agree to anything like that. I can't believe you." She shook her head. "Come get your shit out of my apartment."

"It didn't mean anything!" Carlos tried.

"I don't know why I get involved with you guys. You always end up running off with another one of the girls." Keesha said. "You know what's the worst? Wanda called it off, not you. I can't believe it. I can't believe _you_."

* * *

**author's note:** title is a quote from the pilot of _Breaking Bad_.

**references and things I don't own:**

The boombox and "In Your Eyes" maneuver is from _Say Anything_. It also appears in another fic that you should check out, "Somewhat Slow Times at Walkerville High".

"There's no crying in baseball" is from _A League of Their Own._

"We're always watching" is from _Angels in the Outfield_, and is pretty creepy.

The "two things that go together" is from _Gets Eaten_

"Livin' on a Prayer" is by Bon Jovi.

Was Carlos really studying at the library? Was the funniest thing before Wanda's show when Phoebe got spiked in the head in cross country? Is Wanda going to have to change her name so it rhymes with Gerri and Barry? Is Harry going to join the TV show because his name rhymes? Did Arnold get the plague? Will DA end up cooking meth? Does Carlos make a better Walter White?

Up next, the best of times and the worst of times.


	16. high hopes

**author's note**: This chapter's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, so keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.

* * *

**chapter 15: high hopes**

**August 30, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

The summer was long for Carlos, but fortunately he had patients in the clinic to distract him from the definitely-not-love triangle he'd put himself in. Wanda had figured out what was going on, because she knew hookups when she saw them. She was astounded that she hadn't figured it out before.

"Oh Carlos, you beautiful stupid unicorn." She said. "You hook up long enough and feelings get involved."

"They do not." Carlos countered. "I shouldn't have done what you told me to. You give terrible advice for a living."

"And what a good living it is." Wanda put her hand on his face. "Yeah, definitely don't ever listen to me."

"Trust me, I won't again."

Still, Carlos missed Keesha, and there was the nagging sense that he'd been completely in the wrong, so he decided that some sort of gesture had to work. He tried calling.

"What do you want?" Keesha demanded.

"I want you to know that I know what a huge mistake I made."

"Good." Keesha said. "I just - I can't right now. I can't believe you did that."

"Me either. There's no excuse. I'm sorry." Carlos said, then hung up. Part of him wanted to argue with her and explain everything, but he knew it would never work. It never had before.

* * *

**September 15, 2008  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

Loneliness was eating away at Phoebe. DA's drunken musing that she and Arnold would probably get married wasn't helping things either. It had made Phoebe realize that she hadn't entirely dismantled the ideas she had about her future, and somehow they still included Arnold. She didn't actively like Arnold, but something about his being so happy with someone that wasn't her bothered her. It didn't help that she was on the wrong coast all alone. Any relationship she'd have, including the friendships with her roommates, whose relatives had welcomed Phoebe into their homes for various holidays, were doomed. Phoebe was fated to be the weird loner unless she was with her friends. All the running in the world wouldn't let her hide from her feelings. Heaven knows she tried. The more she found herself clinging to outdated hope, the more she hated herself for it. It was a vicious cycle.

She'd also just received word that she'd need to redo an assignment when she got the message on Facebook from a lonely, awkward first year – and not lonely and awkward in the way she tended to like guys. Something about this one made her feel sick. It was a perfect storm of depression and disappointment, plus she felt bad for him, so she went over to his apartment while her rational side objected. It was immediately apparent that this wasn't a friendship overture, but she went in anyway. It was her prerogative to make terrible decisions, even if she was absolutely certain that she'd regret them. It made her skin crawl when he kissed her, but she resigned herself to the inevitable. She felt like she was watching herself make these decisions and was powerless to stop.

When it was over, she felt hollow except for the guilt. She went home and sobbed. _Why did I even do that? Why am I such a doormat? What about what I want?_

Being alone had been what made this terrible thing happen, and she knew wallowing would make it worse. Though it was 3 am in Philly, she called Keesha.

"I just hooked up with a first year."

"Please tell me this is a hallucination or something." Keesha wasn't sure if she was talking to Phoebe or herself.

"Nope." Phoebe chewed the inside of her cheek and answered Keesha's half-questions, half-lectures about protection and STDs before launching into the heart of the matter. "I'm not acting like myself. How do I not be a doormat? What do I do?"

"What do the books say?" Keesha was too tired to give advice, so she figured she had to rely on _A Song of Ice and Fire_.

"Kill the boy and let the man be born." Phoebe could feel tears run down her cheeks.

"Okay, do that. But without the murder."

"It's not murder, remember? It's figurative." Phoebe explained.

"Whatever. You know what I mean. And I wish I could be there for you, but I have to sleep. Take care of yourself."

"Good night." Phoebe hung up. She had a message from Glen leaving the option of future hookups open.

Phoebe took a deep breath and typed "No." When he replied with inflammatory remarks, she blocked him. It was terrifying and liberating all at once. She sobbed herself to sleep. This is what the loneliness got her. This is where holding out hope left her.

* * *

**October 19, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

For reasons Keesha knew but wouldn't share, Phoebe was extra involved in baseball this year. Ralphie's measured optimism had become increasingly boundless as the Phillies continued to do well, clinching their place in the World Series on the 15th. It was hard to focus on his internship in the midst of such a historical moment, but he did his best. The Red Sox were in their championship series, and it looked like he and Phoebe would finally have the World Series matchup they'd waited their entire lives for. He and Phoebe were texting each other furiously through game seven of the American League championship, up until the point where Boston was eliminated by the Tampa Bay Rays, at which point Ralphie called Phoebe to congratulate her team on a well-fought series as well as to reiterate the gloating of a few days ago.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Ralphie managed before he was interrupted.

"I really don't need this." Phoebe sounded listless.

"The trash talking?" Ralphie wondered. "Because the Phillies are in the World Series for the first time in fifteen years..." He had every right to gloat, and didn't know what he'd do if Phoebe would put the kibosh on it. He'd argue, probably, and feel bad about it, because Phoebe sounded like a lost puppy.

"I know." Phoebe continued. "I meant the baseball. Can we please just talk about baseball?"

"Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about baseball." Phoebe had an idea for the quickest way to get Ralphie to lay off her. "How many games do you think it will take the Phillies to win it?"

"Six." Ralphie said after a moment of thought. "I'd say a sweep, but that's how your team disrespected mine."

"You're too kind." Phoebe said sarcastically. And just like that, they were talking about baseball again, and everything was okay.

* * *

**October 20, 2008  
****IYF Studios  
****Philadelphia, PA**

_In Your Face _continued to grow, and Wanda's stories of terrible advice, including to only get engaged to people you'd never actually dated, were incredibly popular, even if Keesha had yelled at her TV when that segment aired. Wanda didn't care as long as she was successful. She and Barry met with agents for national networks, but they wanted her to move out of Philly, which she was unwilling to do.

"Come on, Wanda, you've got to leave this small pond." Barry urged. "They won't take you seriously from here."

"They'll learn to." There was no way Wanda was moving to California again, and New York had entirely changed Tim. She was comfortable with her weirdness the way it was, and the world would have to bend to fit her.

"Look, I know you think you're all that, but you're just the talent." Barry said sternly. "I made you, and I can un-make you, like I did to Gerri."

"First, I'm also writing these pieces, so good luck finding another total package like I am. Second, I un-made Gerri the first time, so I can un-make anyone I want. Third, do not fuck with me. Trust me on this." Wanda threatened. Two could play at this game. "I am this show. You just do the business shit."

"The 'business shit' is the money coming in. Try having a show without it." Barry was going to meet her threat for threat. "I'll let your indiscretion pass this once, but I'm warning you not to do it again."

"Oh I won't." Wanda replied and walked away. Working directly with Barry was teaching her why Gerri was as mean to her as she had been. She had to have control over something. Barry would sell Wanda off to California unless she acted first. Fortunately, Wanda had options.

* * *

**October 22, 2008  
****Philadelphia University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Forget Wanda's 'dinner party,'" Keesha said, "this is real grown up stuff."

"Seriously." DA looked around the Thai restaurant where the two had met for lunch like two grown professionals. "How's the advising?"

Keesha shrugged. "I think I know what I'm doing now, which is good."

"Is work harder for you than school?"

"No." Keesha looked at the menu. "It's just different, that's all. Plus I'm advising the arts students, which is way different than anything I did. I mean, I did dance as a kid, but not in college."

"Arts, huh." DA tried to wave down the waitress. "At least I'm working in my subject area."

"How's library school treating you?" Keesha asked after they'd ordered.

"It's just fine. It's just a bit more theoretical background than the stuff I'm actually doing." DA mused. "I'm kind of getting tired of school."

"I don't believe it." Keesha leaned back in surprise. "I thought you'd be planning your next degree."

"Me too," DA said. "Maybe later."

"You don't want to be one of the doctors?" Keesha teased.

"Oh God." DA sighed. "Sometimes I wonder when those guys will grow up."

"Carlos and Ralphie? Give them ten years." Keesha laughed. "At least."

"I don't know, they can be irritating as hell, but I still love them, you know?" DA couldn't help laughing.

"I guess." Keesha took a long drink of water.

"What's going on?" DA asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You're acting weird." DA considered her options. "There's something you're not telling me."

"There's a lot of things I'm not telling you." Keesha admitted.

"So what's the one surrounding the 'doctors'?" Keesha was grateful for DA's air quotes.

"It's not Ralphie." She said before she could think it through.

"Carlos?" DA's eyes widened.

"Phoebe's one of the 'doctors,'" Keesha tried deflecting.

"Nice try." DA said. "So what did Carlos do?"

"It's a long story." Keesha sighed.

"And I hear this restaurant isn't terribly quick about their service." DA steepled her fingers.

Keesha considered bailing. Then again, she and Carlos were done, so there was nothing really to hide anymore. "Carlos and I were friends with benefits for a while."

"How long of a while?"

Keesha had to pause to do the math. "Well he brought me Thanksgiving dinner - was it last Thanksgiving? No, it was the one before."

"TWO YEARS?" DA said a little too loudly.

"No!" Keesha went back to her calculation. "More like a year and a half."

"And your longest actual relationship was..."

"About two years." Keesha recalled.

"And you dated Ralphie for -" DA started. She knew the answer to that, but wanted to make a point.

"A year. He dumped me on our anniversary." Keesha didn't have to stop to remember that one.

"So you've been hooking up with Carlos longer than you dated Ralphie." DA folded her arms.

"I'm not hooking up with Carlos anymore. He got engaged to Wanda."

"Right." DA's eyes widened. "That's classic Carlos. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they go down in flames."

"So he isn't exactly on my happy list right now." Keesha said as the waitress placed her food in front of her. She'd ordered tofu as a way of honoring Phoebe. She did that sometimes, and she knew Phoebe would approve of the sentimentality.

"You can't take him too seriously." DA advised. "When he messes up, he does it in the biggest way possible. Remember seventh grade, when he decided there was something fishy about the chocolate milk? Instead of just asking someone, he made it into some sort of heist because he'd just watched _Mission Impossible_ and wanted to suspend himself from wires from the ceiling?"

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Because there are totally lasers protecting the cafeteria kitchen. There are priceless treasures in those refrigerators." She took a bite of her food.

"Yet he still got caught."

"Did he really fall from those ceiling tiles?" Keesha asked. "I never found out."

"I heard he got stuck trying to get in the ventilation system." DA shrugged. "He never told me. I think the guys are the only ones who know what really happened – besides detention. Anyway, Carlos gets fixated on something and when he screws it up, he really screws it up."

"I'm aware." Keesha said. "I don't know why it bugs me. He apologized and it's over. I just can't bring myself to hang out with him again."

"Like it or not, we're all stuck together." DA pointed out.

"Only if you're right."

"Is the Pope Catholic?" DA asked pointedly. Keesha couldn't help thinking about Carlos. She immediately reminded herself that Phoebe was more Catholic than Carlos.

"So. Wanda." Keesha changed the subject. "How rich would she be if she'd been paid for all the terrible advice she gave us ever?"

* * *

**October 29, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"I'd give my firstborn to be in that stadium." Dr. Tennelli remarked to her sister.

"I'd give your firstborn too." Brenda smirked. "Tony!" She yelled to her husband in the kitchen. "Bring the chips!"

"Hey, as long as I get to see the game." Ralphie folded his arms and sat on the couch. They'd settled in to watch the last few innings of the game, which had been suspended due to rain. He'd stared longingly at the lights in the stadium as he'd walked down the street to his aunt's house. "We could've won two days ago."

"We will." Brenda assured him. "Tony! Where are the chips? The game's starting!"

Aunt Brenda's confidence wasn't unfounded, and Ralphie spent the entire ninth inning beaming. When the final out came, the entire house erupted in cheers as the stadium did down the street. They kept the TV on to watch Harry Kalas sing "High Hopes," and joined in. There were more than a few happy tears.

After much celebration, Ralphie walked back home. He almost forgot to call Phoebe, who'd been waiting an hour and a half after watching the Phillies dogpile on the pitcher's mound after the final out.

"'World champions of baseball' - can you believe it?" He cried as Phoebe answered the phone.

"Once the curse was broken, anything became possible." Phoebe said. "I'm surprised you haven't lost your voice."

Ralphie ignored that remark, though his voice was already hoarse. "Five games!" He crowed to Phoebe. "I didn't dare be this optimistic."

"That's great." Phoebe smiled. "Did you cry?"

"I'm not going to tell you." Ralphie remarked. As he came into the house, he said, "Did you see? We won!" to Arnold and Carlos. It didn't matter that the other guys were studying or otherwise avoiding Ralphie, who turned on the TV.

"I bet a ton of grown men cried. There's no shame in that." Phoebe pointed out. "So how does it feel to have another championship?"

"This is the greatest day of my life." Ralphie's face hurt from grinning. "My entire life. I could die right now and it wouldn't even matter." He looked back at his TV. "They're showing it again!" He watched the final out. "I could watch this forever."

"You probably will."

"I definitely will." They replayed Harry Kalas singing "High Hopes," and Ralphie joined him. Once that was done, Ralphie tried to decide which of the players he'd name his firstborn child after, regardless of gender, then gave a complete rundown of the biggest merits of each choice. The whole ordeal lasted at least twenty minutes, but he wasn't keeping track of time. Nothing mattered now but the elation.

"Are you done?" Phoebe asked after a moment of quiet.

"You didn't hang up on me?" Ralphie rasped.

"Of course not. This is your hour of gloating."

"I probably have a couple of hours of gloating left in me." Ralphie figured.

"Fine. Your ... three hours of gloating." Phoebe negotiated. "I think that's the longest I gloated."

"This is the greatest day of my entire life." Ralphie repeated. "I'd better go so I can talk tomorrow."

"Congratulations again."

Ralphie wondered how Phoebe could manage to be a giant Masshole when the Red Sox won, but nice enough to let him crow and chatter endlessly when the Phillies won. He couldn't help but wonder how she could still be nice to him at the time he was as annoying as he could possibly be. He couldn't like her; she was too nice for him. It would never work. Besides, now there were more important things to think about, like how he'd get Friday off to go to the victory parade.

* * *

**November 25, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"This is the hardest thing I've ever done." Arnold admitted. Law school was kicking his ass. Sure, he'd climbed his way to prestige, which was a given. He was now in the midst of struggling to get the best grades possible. Being smart and hardworking didn't make good grades happen naturally - law students were a competitive bunch, and Arnold had to admit that it was harder than he thought it would be. As tough as law school was, his relationship with DA was nearly perfect, and it was hard not to focus on it. It was easier and more rewarding than the dry law readings. All he had done is talk to her about his concerns, and they'd resolved to keep him accountable. No more distractions; they were on each others' side. Together, they could take on anything.

"That's kind of the point." DA shrugged. Library school was not kicking her ass. She had moved past all the theory classes and was taking practical courses that she could implement at work. Her boss didn't always like her steamroller-like initiative, so she had to adjust as she went.

"How is school so easy for you?"

"I don't know." DA thought. "I like the regular outlined expectations. Work is harder. People are ambiguous. There's less feedback. It's... nebulous."

"Not everywhere. My aunt Rachel is kind of a tyrant." Arnold shuddered at the memory of summers working at her firm.

"She's Janet's mom. What do you expect? Sunshine and rainbows?"

"I'm not like my parents, am I?" Arnold wondered.

"Definitely not. I mean, you're cultured and all, but not as malignantly snobby."

"So I'm snobby?"

"You like what you like. I'm the same way."

"This is why we work so well together." Arnold grinned.

"We were talking about keeping you accountable." DA grabbed a book. "Come on, two more semesters. You can do this."

"Fine." Arnold grabbed the book. "Real life is going to be so much better than school."

* * *

**December 13, 2008  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"The last couple of years haven't been as bad since the Intercourse Incident." Ralphie said, pouring his cereal. "I don't have any finals today. I think I'm going to take a cue from you and stay home."

"Good call." Arnold said.

"Maybe your birthday isn't as cursed anymore." Carlos said, grabbing his coffee.

A few hours later, Carlos checked his phone during a break from patient care. He had a text from Ralphie. _Don't come home. House was on fire. _This wasn't a conversation for texting, so Carlos called.

"I have to know what happened." Carlos said.

"The damn toaster malfunctioned." Ralphie scowled. "My birthday isn't cursed?"

"You're cursed. Is the whole house on fire?"

"Just the drapes. There's some smoke damage in the kitchen. Aunt Brenda may kill me."

"So it's not bad."

* * *

**December 24, 2008  
****Walkerville, PA**

The gang were all on the train to Walkerville for Christmas Eve when Keesha got the call.

"What?" She was aghast. No one had seen Keesha like this. "I can be there in twenty minutes. Okay. Thanks."

"What happened?" Phoebe asked.

"My grandmother." Keesha couldn't say it, but she knew if she didn't that Phoebe would say something else, something she'd rather have it be. "She had a heart attack, and she's in the hospital. It doesn't look good." The full force of it was hitting her as she realized that she was going to be all alone. She had relatives on her mother's side, but hadn't been close with them. Her father's family was entirely gone except for her and her grandmother. "I have to go see her. I'm going to lose my entire family."

"You still have us." Phoebe offered. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. Be with your dad."

"Are you sure?" Phoebe debated whether or not to push her way into supporting Keesha, who was going to need it if things didn't take a turn for the better.

"Seriously, I can tell my family what's happening and they'll understand." DA offered.

"Yeah, me too." Arnold said.

"Thanks, but I think I need to go alone." Keesha tried to swallow her feelings, but it wasn't working.

"Maybe everything will be okay." Phoebe said quietly.

"It's not going to be okay. It's _never _going to be okay!" Keesha snapped. "You should understand."

Phoebe's eyes welled up, but when she spoke, she was angry. "Look, life went on after Mom died, even though Dad and I weren't ready for it to. You know why I believe the best could happen? Because I had to in order to survive."

"This is getting a little intense for the train." Wanda said quietly.

"Not now." Ralphie hissed.

"I know - I just - I can't. Not now. I need to be alone." Keesha felt terrible to drag Phoebe's mom into conversations. Phoebe and her father never talked about it, which was odd considering Phoebe was usually very good at talking about her feelings. Phoebe visited the grave whenever she went to Boston, but she mostly felt guilty that she had been too young to remember.

Instead, Keesha turned toward the window and thought about her grandmother, who had stepped in to raise Keesha, despite being "too old for this shit." Keesha smiled at the memory, then realized how temporary her time with her grandmother was. The train stop for the hospital came at last, and Keesha departed with a very quick goodbye. The hospital was further than she normally walked, but she ran, sliding on the melting ice as she went.

Mrs. Franklin was gaunt and hardly recognizable. Keesha didn't know what she could do, so she tentatively took her grandmother's hand, and she stirred. "Keesha." She smiled. "It's so good to see you."

"It's going to be okay." Keesha insisted.

"I'll be okay." Mrs. Franklin smiled weakly. "I won't be here long."

"Grandma..." Keesha had no other words.

"You're a hard worker and a smart girl. You'll go far." Mrs. Franklin said. "I'm so proud of you. Your parents would be, too."

"No." Keesha shook her head. "How do you know... it's time?"

Mrs. Franklin said something that Keesha couldn't understand, then dozed off. Keesha stayed, feeling like she was watching a grown-up version of the girl she was making arrangements with the doctor. Mrs. Franklin's heart was giving out, but she was oddly at peace when she was awake.

Keesha felt the guilt of skipping Thanksgiving, of hiding her whereabouts in high school, and of every lie she'd told weighing on her. She apologized through tears as her grandmother drifted in and out of consciousness. Keesha was terrified to watch her grandmother slip away before her very eyes. She fought to stay cool and calm – who was she if not completely collected?

"Thank you for everything." Keesha said through tears. "Thank you for being the best grandma anyone could ask for." She whispered to her sleeping grandmother, but had no way of knowing if she'd been heard.

It was after midnight when the nurses rushed in. The machines were making a terrible noise, and Keesha knew that it was over. She had no idea where to go from here. "You might want to start going through her things." The nurse suggested, handing Keesha a grief counselor's business card.

Keesha wanted to go home, but couldn't bring herself to return to the shell of the house she grew up in with the woman she'd just lost. She walked out of the hospital and tried to think of whom she should call. She didn't want to be alone. Not now. She dialed her phone. "Carlos, can I ruin your Christmas?"

* * *

**December 29, 2008  
****Walkerville Cemetery  
****Walkerville, PA**

The day of the funeral came, and life was still surreal. Keesha had reached out to some of her mother's relatives in Michigan, but didn't understand how to start a relationship with family so late in her life. Her friends all came for the funeral, as well as several of their parents. Mrs. Franklin had lived alone, but she was well-respected in the community. Keesha had to arrange bereavement leave at work as well as figure out how to work with estate lawyers. Her grandmother had left her things quite organized, no doubt to make Keesha's life easier.

"I'm so sorry." Phoebe said as she pulled Keesha into a hug. "Your grandma was one of the best people I ever met. You're so much like her."

"That's the best compliment I ever got." Keesha smiled. "I don't know how life can just go on. It doesn't get easier, does it?"

"You just get used to it." Phoebe said. "We'll always be here for you."

"Whether you like it or not." DA added.

"Thanks." Keesha wiped away tears. She had no idea how much she could cry until now.

Through the service, she found herself leaning on Carlos, who had been remarkably supportive through it all. None of her friends said anything, which she appreciated. Eventually she'd have to figure out how she felt about him, but first she had to learn how to live without her grandma.

* * *

**January 16, 2009  
****Walker State University  
****Walkerville, PA**

"Last semester of classes!" DA announced as she stood in her boss's doorway.

"I was hoping this round of budget negotiations would have been better on us." Jane, the director, said. "It looks like I was wrong."

"What does that mean?" DA wondered, closing the door behind her at Jane's request.

"Well we can't give you the exact position we hoped we could once you graduate."

"Okay..." DA said.

"Hang in there, though. Something will come your way. I can't make any guarantees, but we're happy with your work and we want to keep you on board."

"Okay." DA nodded and left. She tried not to be troubled, but the recent tanking of the economy had meant terrible budget cuts for higher education. It weighed on her mind for the rest of her workday.

"Do you think I should look at other schools?" She asked Arnold.

"Be patient. Things will work out." He assured her. "I think we're on the verge of amazing things happening."

"Amazing things" was how Arnold had made a habit of referring to engagement, DA had ascertained. "You really think I should just ride this out?"

"Focus on your classes. Everything will be just fine."

* * *

**February 14, 2009  
****IYF Studios  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Wanda didn't want to admit that this latest gutsy move terrified her.

"You do know that running a show like this is normally done out of New York or Burbank." The network executive said. Wanda had managed to politic her way into getting them to meet on her turf without Barry. It was just Wanda and the network execs. She was tightrope walking without a safety net. She couldn't tell if the adrenaline was making her feel alive or sick.

"That's what makes it so novel." Wanda said coolly.

"And it's what makes the show work. Who'd recognize bad advice coming from cities thoroughly established cities?"

"Philly is established. We had _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_." Wanda argued. "Okay, for the first part of the theme song."

The network executive laughed. "You're one of a kind. Okay, here's the deal: we do a season pilot on Comedy Network from Philadelphia. If our research shows we need you to move, you'll have a few months' notice. Can you get our caliber of talent up here?"

"Absolutely."

"I suggest you agree to come to New York now instead of later, though." The executive said.

"I know terrible advice when I see it. It's what I do for a living." Wanda reached for a folder. "Here's a list of staff and talent I have here in Philly. I need them for the show to be what it is."

"Gerri Poveri?" The executive read. "Why her?"

"She gives excellent terrible advice." Wanda shrugged.

"You got me there." The executive stood. "We can work with this." He reached his hand out and Wanda shook it firmly. "Welcome to Comedy Network."

After the handshakes, Wanda listened for the front door to close, then counted to twenty to make sure he'd left the building before she shouted, "IN YOUR FACE! WHO'S ON NATIONAL TV NOW, BITCHES?"

The next day, after the news had aired locally and Barry had been sent packing, Wanda got a call from the receptionist. She knew who it was as she walked up to the front.

"You just keep showing up, don't you?" Wanda asked Harry.

"I learned to surf." Harry offered. "And I got a job."

"We have a winner." Wanda grinned. "Okay, let's go on an actual date."

* * *

**March 14, 2009  
****Fitzgerald University  
****New York City, NY**

Tim had never been so happy a few months before, but now that the infatuation had worn off, he realized how different he and Janet really were. She was ruthless and carefree where he was careful and at least a little merciful. Tim hated how he'd started trying to avoid conflict with Janet, who would probably win since she was mostly finished with a degree in arguing. He felt like he knew the symptoms, but not the actual problem. Not until Janet asked him, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so depressed all the time?"

The first thing that came to his mind was, "Phoebe says I have the soul of an artist."

Janet laughed at him. Things had seemed different since Keesha's grandma died - he realized that he was some rebellious part of that codependent web. The way his friends had banded together around Keesha reminded him that he had a place with them and they weren't just asshole adult children.

Three years ago, moving to New York to be away from his selfish friends seemed like a good idea. He'd seen enough of Carlos to last a lifetime. He and Janet had loved New York – the city was overwhelmingly huge and they could just disappear. After he found his way around, he realized he didn't want to disappear, and he realized a lot of New York was so superficial. Janet was fine with that, but Tim craved something more meaningful. Being with Janet had brought some meaning to life in the city, but the meaning Tim wanted was changing again. Janet was more decisive than Tim was: she knew what she want and went after it. Tim had a habit of changing his mind, and he wasn't sure he wanted to stay in New York anymore, but he didn't want to be alone either.

Tim and Janet had fought about what would happen after graduation. Janet wanted to stay in the city, and Tim now wanted to move somewhere else. Now, he was realizing that "somewhere else" was home. He missed his friends. They'd crept into his head – he couldn't hear lyrics about burning without thinking of Carlos saying, "You'd better get that checked." Janet reminded him of Arnold, who was every bit as smart, but with more heart than Janet. Every now and then, he'd catch a glimpse of Wanda on _In Your Face_. He didn't find her terrible advice as hilarious as everyone else did, because he'd seen what happened when people took it.

At some point, before third grade, he might have been able to move to New York. Ms. Frizzle's class had changed everything. He'd tried to explain to Janet that he wanted to be close to his friends – they were like family.

"No they're not. They're assholes, remember?" Janet asked.

She had a point. Carlos was obnoxious, Arnold was vain, Ralphie was a pain in the ass, Keesha was a cynic, Phoebe was paranoid and anxious, Dorothy Ann was arrogant, and Wanda was impulsive in the worst possible way. Then again, Tim was a sarcastic depressive, so he fit in.

"They are." Tim admitted. "But they're my friends, and I'm an asshole too."

Janet shook her head. "You're different."

"No. And if I am, I don't want to be. Look – I'm going to go. I've got to be alone."

"You're going to the shore without me?" Janet demanded. One of the things Tim had told her was that he'd liked to go to the shore to think during undergrad. She'd thought it was funny.

"I just need to get away." Tim grabbed a bag he'd packed. It was Spring Break and he needed to get out. "I need to think."

He had plenty of time to think in the hour-long drive to his favorite beach in Jersey. It was still cold, so it wouldn't be crowded. He didn't need to swim, he just needed to sit on the beach and collect his thoughts.

Tim wanted to call his friends and see if they could meet up. They'd come out here many times, and it would be fun to get the gang back together for shenanigans, stupid and childish as they may be. He worried that they wouldn't want to hang out with him, not after he'd been so distant for so long. The majority of the gang would graduate in a few months, and they'd all get together then, he was sure.

It was a little chilly, but Tim sat on the beach anyway. He remembered coming here to surf with Carlos, who refused to acknowledge that he was hilariously bad at it. The memory made him smile. Being roommates with Carlos had sucked at times, but he realized he hated his life without his friends. If he stayed in New York with Janet, they'd never see the things he accomplished, and he wouldn't be a part of their lives either. The thought bothered him more than he anticipated. He hoped they missed him. He hoped someone was making snide remarks while he was gone.

Sure, each of his friends had their flaws, but the distance from them made the flaws fade. All Tim could remember was DA's willingness to teach Ralphie chemistry. Or the time he and Carlos stayed up until 4 am watching stupid cartoons on TV in college, or the way Keesha could still dominate karaoke, even when she was plastered at the party after Phoebe's 21st birthday. The things he remembered most focused on his friends' good qualities. He knew Phoebe would freak out and scream when she saw him again, even though they'd dated and he'd dumped her.

As the sun was going down, Tim realized he didn't feel like renting a motel room by himself, and he didn't feel like going back to New York either. "Yo Arnold, it's Tim. Are you on spring break? Awesome. Hey, this is random, but I'm at Point Pleasant Beach. Yeah, in Jersey. You think I could come crash at your place? It's too cold to be on the beach."

* * *

**April 3, 2009  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Today was the day. As Arnold left to go to dinner, Ralphie gave him a thumbs up without looking up from his capstone project.

"Tell me how it goes." He said.

"You know I will." Arnold felt oddly nervous, though he knew he was doing the right thing. He had finished up everything he could ahead of time so he'd have tonight to focus. He took DA to their favorite restaurant: a dumpy-looking place with amazing food near her school. He loved it because it was so counter to what his friends assumed their life would be like. "Let's just walk to the train station." He suggested.

"Sure." DA treasured the few dates she did get with Arnold. He'd been up to his eyeballs in school and activities with the honors society. He was in the top of his class, and he had to keep it that way with the glut of lawyers on the worsening job market. DA knew Arnold would be okay. He had a few environmental law firms interested in him, and though he'd probably have to do some traveling, he could probably be based out of Philadelphia eventually. They wandered down a side lane onto the college campus as they headed toward the train station. "Where are we going?" DA asked.

"Here." Arnold took her over to a bench. "Do you know where we are?"

DA took a deep breath. She had a feeling she knew what was happening. "This is where we first kissed."

Arnold got down on one knee, and DA could feel herself blushing and covered her mouth as he reached into his pocket. "Dorothy Ann, I love you and I know I always will. You bring out the best in me and challenge me to be a better person. I want us to be together always. Will you marry me?"

"Yes!" DA felt tears roll down her cheeks, which was unexpected. Arnold opened the ring box, and placed a beautiful ring with three round diamonds on her ring finger. "Do you like it?"

"I love it!" DA squealed as she threw her arms around him.

"Do you mind if I text Ralphie?" Arnold asked sheepishly as she let him go.

"Don't you want to tell your parents?"

"I want to tell Ralphie first."

* * *

**May 12, 2009  
****John F. Kennedy International Airport  
****New York, NY**

Janet hated that things weren't as good with her and Tim, but they hadn't really broken up. She had begged his forgiveness when he returned from Spring Break, and was surprised that he'd made up with all his friends. Even if things weren't as great as they'd been before, they were still better than being alone. Together they had a better chance at success.

When Tim and Janet found Phoebe at the airport, she initially didn't notice them as she was too busy texting someone. Of course, when she spotted them, she'd hugged Tim hard enough that Janet had made a face. "Tell me about the job you got!" Phoebe enthused.

Janet was looking forward to Arnold and the rest of the Walkerville gang arriving shortly so Tim wouldn't have as much one on one time with Phoebe. "It's in Philly. I'm actually really excited." Tim was happier than he'd been in months, Janet had to admit. The entire group would be back together not only for graduations, but for a formal engagement party DA and Arnold were throwing at their parents' behest. The party was immediately following the guys' graduation and would take place in a historic hotel outside Philadelphia that Keesha and Wanda referred to as the "Party Mansion." Both sides of the family were invited, as well as all their friends, who would be presented as the wedding party. DA's family was paying for an open bar, so guests were encouraged to book rooms overnight. The gang had to skip DA's commencement in favor of the party, which she was surprisingly okay with, given her love of parading around in academic regalia.

"What about you, Janet?" Phoebe asked pleasantly. Fortunately, she spared Janet the organ-crushing hug. "Do you have any plans for after the party weekend?"

"I'm going to work at my mom's firm for a bit." Janet said. "I think I'm going to hole up in the Poconos for a few weeks to study for the bar, though."

"That sounds like a great environment." Phoebe smiled.

"You're too nice." Janet worried aloud. "Stay away from her, Tim." When Tim and Phoebe looked at her quizzically, she added, "The nice ones are always up to no good."

"Okay then." Tim shrugged, ignoring Phoebe's slightly guilty look. "Let's head to Penn Station. You'll all have to pile into a couple of shitty small hotel rooms."

"It's okay, we're all friends." Phoebe said. "I'm just happy to be home." A person with a Yankees hat passed by and her smile faded. "Almost home."

"You put up with a lot for me and I appreciate it." Tim said. "Let's go get everyone else from the train station."

A little while later, at Penn Station, Phoebe was beaten at her own game by Wanda. "You brought her!" Wanda shrieked, ostensibly to Tim, even though she focused on Phoebe.

"You look so good on TV!" Phoebe enthused. The rest of the gang was greeting Tim, although his enthusiasm wasn't as catching. "I told all my classmates about your show and they all love you!"

"Okay, so why am I emailing the songs?" Wanda whispered. DA had asked everyone to email five of their favorite romantic songs for mood music to play during the party, and Phoebe had sent Wanda a list to pass on to DA.

"DA explicitly said she hates the songs you liked, and it's just like you to scheme like this." Phoebe explained. "Just send her the five I sent you."

"But what if she asks me why I picked them?"

"Make up something convincing that doesn't involve Keesha. And never tell anyone. Ever." Phoebe released Wanda from the hug so it wouldn't be suspicious.

"You're all thrilled to see the graduates, I see." Janet remarked to Arnold, who shrugged.

"Let me see it!" Phoebe was squealing as she grabbed DA's hand. "It's perfect! Are you excited for the party?"

To minimize drama, DA had made Wanda swear up and down on stacks of Bibles that she wouldn't freak out and marry anyone, not even Harry, though they'd been dating for a few months. "You're going to love the venue. It's so romantic." Phoebe hoped it was, for the sake of her evil plan to make Keesha and Carlos realize that their "not just friends but not dating" status was untenable, and that they actually loved each other. She'd just hatched the plan on the plane while reflecting on her desire to live vicariously through her friends while she was stuck in vet school. The component she was proudest of was involving Wanda – once Wanda looked like the source of the scheming, no one would ask any more questions.

Phoebe clapped her hands together and made the high-pitched noise. "This is the greatest week ever!" She moved on to the next person to greet. "And it's baseball season!" She hugged Ralphie.

"This is going to be an awesome year." He said. He'd made sure to bring something Phillies-related to wear for every occasion in New York.

"We'll see." Phoebe was in too good of a mood to talk too much trash and too focused on her plan to say much else. "What a big week for you," she moved on to Arnold, hugging him.

"Too bad I'll have to take a huge break in the wedding planning to take the bar." Arnold said. DA beamed at him. "But I have a job with a top firm..."

"Of course you do!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Seriously, how can you be sad in Oregon when you're so damn happy?" Carlos asked, pulling her into a tight hug.

"I miss you guys so much." Phoebe lamented quickly, then her enthusiasm returned. "You have one more year! How many more tests do you have to take?"

"Just the boards and my licensing tests." Carlos said. "You've got to have flash cards or something on the plane to keep track of all this stuff."

Phoebe shrugged and hugged Keesha, who was always last. She thought of it like a position of honor. "How are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess." Keesha said. "It's been almost five months. The house sold."

"You're so awesome. Your grandma would be so proud of you." Phoebe whispered.

"Don't make me cry." Keesha instructed and let Phoebe go. "Let's get to the shitty hotel. Move out, people!"

**The next day...**

Tim and Janet's commencement ceremonies didn't overlap, so the gang ended up attending both. Two commencements in one day was too much for everyone, even Phoebe.

"How does it feel to be done?" Carlos asked Tim.

"Amazing." Tim sighed. "Hey, man, thanks for not giving up on me."

"I'm too stubborn." Carlos smirked. "I knew you'd come back. So are you moving in with us or not?"

"I was planning on it." Tim said. "Let's get to Philly for the guys' graduation. I think Phoebe might be running low on inspiration." He flashed Phoebe a wide smile to let her know he was laughing with her this time.

"And he's back." Keesha remarked approvingly.

* * *

**May 14, 2009  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"I still don't understand why you wanted to be a librarian." Janet said disapprovingly as the group waited for Ralphie to leave the auditorium from his commencement. The Perlsteins and Dr. Tennelli were standing near them, listening to the conversation without being part of it. "Librarians are the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing."

"How do you know she doesn't know about crystal meth?" Wanda asked. "She could be Walter White."

"I still don't get why I'm not the evil genius." Carlos pouted.

"I don't get why you want to be." Wanda argued. Mercifully, Ralphie and Arnold found the group on the quad, and Keesha spotted them.

"There they are!" She pointed.

"The first of the doctors has graduated!" Carlos announced as Ralphie returned to the quad, his arms over his head in victory.

"You do know you're not a physician, Ralphie, and you could get in serious trouble if your patients think you are." Dr. Tennelli lectured.

"Got it, Mom." Ralphie said. "It's kind of an inside joke."

"Does that mean-" Arnold started.

"No." Ralphie and Carlos said together.

* * *

**May 15, 2009  
****The guys' house  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"It's the end of an era." Arnold marveled as he put the last of his stuff into a box.

"My mom would probably murder me if I moved in with my girlfriend. Fiancée." Ralphie caught himself.

"Your mom would probably faint if you _had _a girlfriend." Carlos winced in anticipation of Ralphie throwing something, but Ralphie just shrugged.

"My parents aren't exactly thrilled." Arnold admitted. "I mean, she's a gentile, we're not married, all that other stuff..."

"You're their only child." Phoebe said, dragging one of Tim's boxes into the hallway outside Arnold's old room. "It's kind of a big deal."

"Oh, they'll get over it. They have to." DA and Arnold smiled at each other knowingly.

"We're going to be roommates again!" Carlos grinned at Tim. "And I'm not the third wheel this time!"

"Or Ralphie and I can just start talking about comics, and then you're the third wheel." Tim suggested.

"Are you guys done yet?" Keesha yelled from the kitchen. "Are we getting the Party Mansion ready today?"

Wanda was exasperated. "What's the point in renting a Party Mansion if you have to prepare it?"

"We have to bring in our decorations." DA explained. "It's not a lot." She stopped Wanda before she could interrupt any more. "And we'll go up there tomorrow."

"So we're partying at Arnold and DA's tonight then?" Carlos asked.

"If you don't mind not eating off dishes or having anywhere to sit." Arnold offered.

"Did you seriously take all the glasses?" Tim asked, looking in the cupboard for a glass.

"Yeah. I bought them. Ralphie has the plates." Arnold explained. "Carlos has been freeloading off us for years."

"He used all my dishes in undergrad." Tim added.

"We didn't need another set of dishes!" Carlos argued.

"Did you all email me your five songs for the party?" DA asked before the argument could escalate any further. Carlos had complained at length about separating Arnold and Ralphie's CD collections, and she didn't want more arguments than necessary.

"You haven't checked?" Wanda asked, trying hard not to look at Phoebe.

"Why? Did you suggest 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'? Because if you did, I will disown you." DA looked sternly at Wanda.

"I sent in a few." Phoebe said helpfully.

"Yours won't be any good." Wanda said. "You only like songs that are incredibly creepy sounding: 'Every Breath You Take,' 'I Will Follow Him,' 'The Promise'..."

"They're not creepy. They're sweet." Phoebe scowled.

"Please tell me you sent in 'My Heart Will Go On.'" Carlos said to Ralphie. While they were arguing about the songs they "should have" emailed DA for the party, Phoebe pulled Wanda aside.

"You sent them in, right?" Phoebe whispered. Wanda nodded. "All five of them?"

"Yes! Jesus!" Wanda yelled, and everyone looked at them.

"What are you doing?" Tim asked.

"Nothing." Phoebe and Wanda said together. Everyone was silent and staring at them: the perfect conditions for Wanda to start making things up.

"Phoebe just asked me if I knew who was born on Christmas." Wanda said unconvincingly. "I said, 'Yes. Jesus.'"

"She was running out of ideas," Phoebe cut her off with a more realistic story. "For the songs. You know. So I gave some suggestions."

"You also sent in at least ten songs. I asked for five." DA was encouraging. "And I'm pretty sure Wanda's only going to submit early 90s easy listening music."

"At least seven of Phoebe's songs are too creepy to play, I bet." Carlos thought aloud.

"Shut up." Arnold said. "They were good songs. I checked."

"Thank you." Phoebe was grateful for Arnold's taking Carlos down a notch.

"You're welcome." Arnold said. "So can we order pizza or something?I'm starving."

"Dude, why did you tell them the almost truth?" Wanda whispered.

"Because I suck at lying!" Phoebe turned her back to the rest of the group, who'd begun negotiations on pizza toppings. "Okay. You sent in the songs; DA got them. Now we just have to wait for them to realize they love each other."

"You should've let me plan this. Then it would work." Wanda said. She could never speak quietly for long.

"What would work?" Ralphie asked. Much to Phoebe and Wanda's dismay, he hadn't been persuaded that they were actually talking about Jesus.

"You would. Get a job, freeloader." Wanda walked off.

"What the hell?" Ralphie asked. Phoebe shrugged. "What's going on?"

"We're close to the ballpark, aren't we?" Phoebe asked. Distracting Ralphie with baseball would ensure that he wouldn't learn about her plan.

"You can see it from here. Look." Ralphie opened the front door and followed Phoebe outside.

"Where?" Phoebe looked past the row of houses. "Is that it?" She saw a structure behind what looked like a hotel.

"Yep." Ralphie marveled. "This is how close I was to them when they won the World Series."

"Wow." Phoebe looked past Ralphie and out at the stadium. It was nice to have a normal conversation with someone for once, and she was grateful for baseball season. She was glad she could take solace in sports with Ralphie, who was really the only one who could understand that part. Keesha could talk her through relationships, but when she wanted to forget about things and talk about baseball, she could always call Ralphie. It was a beautiful evening and the sun was setting. Phoebe was keenly aware what she would think if any other two of her friends were standing outside, staring at something.

"There's a better view from the end of the street." Ralphie offered.

"I'm okay here." Phoebe sat on the stoop, and Ralphie sat next to her. "I haven't been to a game for years."

"What's the closest team to where you are? The Mariners?"

"Portland's got a triple-A team, but it's hard to go to games with school. My roommates aren't as into baseball." Phoebe shrugged. "I wish I had time to go up to Boston. Have you ever been to Fenway?"

"Nope."

"You need to. The history of that place would blow you away."

"Maybe if they were hosting the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies."

"Fair enough. The lights aren't on; are they in town?" Phoebe couldn't help conflating baseball with whatever inconvenient feelings she was having.

"They're on the road all this week. Why, did you want to see if you could go to a game?" Ralphie wondered.

"Well, if they were in town, I figured we could have gone." Phoebe looked over at him.

"How long are you here for?" Ralphie asked. Something about the request was odd to him. Phoebe had usually gone along with others to Phillies games. He couldn't remember her ever having the idea to go, but that could be because it was usually his idea. He also couldn't tell if she was just being nice, like she had after the World Series. Then again, she could be trying to distract him from figuring out what she and Wanda were up to.

"I go back on Memorial Day." It seemed like far too soon.

"Didn't you stay longer last summer?"

"I didn't have as many rotations." Phoebe explained. "But this time next year, I'll be done." She reminded herself, looking back out at the field.

"I don't think they're coming back until after you're gone. Besides, I thought you didn't like watching pitchers bat."

"It's funny to watch them try to hit." Phoebe joked, and, just like she wanted, Ralphie scowled at her. "I thought it would be fun to go to a game, that's all." She went back in the house, leaving Ralphie to stare confusedly at the baseball field.

"Oh dammit, I thought you were the pizza." Carlos said when Phoebe came back in.

"Sorry to disappoint you." Phoebe said.

"We have to order the pizza first." Arnold pointed out. "Yo Ralphie! What's the name of that good pizza place?"

"What are they going to do when they live further apart?" Tim wondered. "Remember everything they want to know?"

"No. They'll probably text each other." DA said.

Keesha corrected, "They'll probably just yell louder."

* * *

**May 16, 2009  
****en route to the Party Mansion  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"Why did I agree to this?" Wanda asked Phoebe as she loaded her bag into the van.

"Agree to what?" Keesha wondered.

"Riding with us. She thinks we're going to leave her out of everything." Phoebe explained.

"What's the point in taking the van if we aren't taking everyone?" Wanda prodded. "We should pick up the guys." Wanda hated to admit that she liked Phoebe's plan. In fact, she liked it so much she decided to take it a few steps further. She was able to figure out Carlos's email password and had sent a long list of songs of varying appropriateness to DA. She had been trying to crack Ralphie's password when Phoebe had arrived. Unfortunately, Ralphie had figured out that his password was too easy and had scaled up his security since Carlos had routinely changed his screen name in college. She hadn't decided if she'd double cross Phoebe, because she hadn't figured out how it would cause more chaos. Yet.

"I'm pretty sure they're all up there already." Keesha said. "There's something going on; I can feel it."

"'There are strange things afoot at the Circle K.'" Wanda used her best 80s guy voice.

"We're not at the Circle K." Phoebe was confused.

"Oh right, you haven't seen anything." Wanda sighed. "Is Janet riding with us?"

"No." Phoebe said quickly. "I think she and Tim are going up together. Do you think they'll get married?"

"Why do you care?" Wanda pressed. "Why do you care who gets married?" Phoebe's eyes widened enough to let Wanda know she was dangerously close to revealing Phoebe's plan. "Because you're such a nice person, that's why."

"Whatever you've been smoking, Wanda, you need to stop." Keesha said. "Let's roll. If we beat the families there, we get better rooms."

**meanwhile, at the Party Mansion...**

DA and Arnold checked in before anyone else got there. Of course, they were the most organized and prepared of any of their friends – no surprise there. They scoped out the ballroom and went over where the decorations went. "This is going to be perfect." DA said.

"I know. I can't wait." Arnold grinned.

* * *

**author's note:** "High Hopes" was sung by announcer Harry Kalas after the 2008 World Series.

December 25, 2008 is when Eartha Kitt, who voiced Mrs. Franklin, passed away.

**references and things I don't own:**

"Oh Carlos, you beautiful stupid unicorn" is a lot like the compliments Leslie gives Ann in _Parks and Recreation. _

"Kill the boy and let the man be born" is still from _A Song of Ice and Fire_.

"World champions of baseball" is what Harry Kalas said of the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.

DA's being likened to a steamroller is furthering her as Leslie Knope of _Parks and Recreation_.

"Librarians are the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing." is a direct quote from _Parks and Recreation_.

The Party Mansion – and mentions thereof – are from _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_.

"There are strange things afoot at the Circle K," is from _Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure_.

Do things go down in metaphorical flames with Carlos, since he's not allowed to have fire? Was the food worth the wait at the Thai restaurant? Is Wanda going to take over network TV now? Do Arnold and Janet have separate cabins in the Poconos to study for the bar exam, or do they have to share so hilarious hijinks will ensue?

up next, the engagement party.


	17. the song of ice and fire

**chapter 16: the song of ice and fire**

**May 16, 2009  
****Washington Inn  
****Outside Philadelphia, PA**

**four hours til the party**

Tim and Janet were the next ones to arrive. They'd been following Carlos and Ralphie, but Carlos had taken a wrong turn. Tim was glad that he hadn't been in the car, even if he would have liked to hear the argument that ensued. When together, Carlos and Ralphie acted like they were in high school. It was the kind of thing that was fun to watch, as long as he didn't get involved.

"Are you two supposed to be the ones setting up?" Tim asked.

"We're the ones who know what's going on." DA moved a big planter. "I have a very specific vision of how this should go."

"Not everything has to be perfect." Arnold reminded her. "Remember what's important." They shared a knowing smile. Janet rolled her eyes and looked away.

"Go check out the music or something." Tim insisted. "Let us do the lifting."

"Thanks, guys." DA smiled.

"Did Carlos send anything useable?" Arnold wondered.

DA looked at his email. "Not really; no. Just a whole bunch of pretty explicit songs."

Arnold looked over DA's shoulder. "Some of those are just suggestive."

"Really?" DA smirked. "'The Bad Touch' is 'suggestive'?"

"I didn't mean that one. The rest are just really, really suggestive." Arnold conceded.

"Are you going to make the playlist, then? I've got to start getting ready." DA said.

"Fine! You're right!" Carlos's voice came from the lobby.

"Was that so hard?" Ralphie asked.

"Sounds like the rest of the guys made it." Arnold said.

"Are you going to tell us where to put this stuff?" Ralphie called. "Or did you make us drive to Delaware for nothing?"

"We're not in Delaware." DA corrected. She pulled out her phone to check on the girls.

"We're pretty close." Arnold conceded to Ralphie. "And it's not for nothing. I promise."

"Where are you?" DA asked. "We're going to need a while to get ready. How close are you?"

"Why are they planning on four hours to get ready? What is this, Prom?" Janet wondered.

"Janet, you know my parents. They're going to want this to be perfection. Quality takes time, and this way everyone has a chance to look great." Arnold said. He could hear them making remarks about it being amateur hour.

"So that means no Phoebe doing hair and no Wanda doing makeup." DA recalled. "If we don't rush, everything will be fine."

"Are we still talking about Homecoming?" Carlos asked.

"Oh God." Ralphie sighed. "Remember how Wanda slammed my finger in the gym door?"

"And I'm pretty sure your mom could've heard you swearing across town." Tim laughed.

"But it looked like you pissed your pants in the pictures, so everything worked out fine." Ralphie countered. Tim's laughter waned.

"Nothing good ever came out of that dance." Carlos shook his head. Arnold cleared his throat. He and DA stared at the guys, making them uncomfortable.

"We went to Homecoming together." DA said. "My dress fell down – and then you all left me at the dance."

"Right!" Carlos laughed.

"How is this funny?" Janet asked. "How did any of you ever go to dances together again after that?"

No one had a real answer to that beyond DA's theory, and no one wanted to be the first one to tell Janet. Fortunately, the rest of the gang arrived.

"Why are we standing around looking awkward?" Keesha asked.

"We were talking about Homecoming." Carlos explained.

"Ew. Why?" Wanda recoiled.

"Arnold and DA went to Homecoming together." Phoebe explained. "It's the one bright spot in an otherwise hellish experience."

"How do you remember this stuff?" Carlos wondered.

"How could you forget?" Phoebe countered. Wanda noticed she was standing between Carlos and Keesha, and decided to discreetly move closer to Phoebe. Keesha raised her eyebrows. "Do you need help decorating?"

"Not as much as we need to get ready." DA said.

"I don't need four hours." Wanda said. "I was just going to shower."

"You need to do more getting ready than that." Arnold folded his arms. "You need to look amazing."

"Ouch." Wanda instantly regretted not targeting Arnold with her schemes.

"Okay, ladies. Put your stuff down in your rooms. We've got to start beautifying." DA said. Keesha felt weird that she wasn't the one shepherding everyone around. "That way Phoebe doesn't have to do anyone's hair, and no one will look like they got in a fistfight before the party."

"Wait, I need to stake out a room." Carlos said.

"Can't you share with anyone?" Wanda asked. Phoebe glared at her. "Like Ralphie?" Phoebe glared at her harder. "Or someone else?" Carlos looked at Tim.

"I'm rooming with Janet, dude." Tim shrugged.

"I don't understand what you want me to say." Wanda hissed to Phoebe.

"Let me handle it." Phoebe insisted. Wanda recoiled. Why would Phoebe want to try to mastermind something when she was terrible at it? Wanda's gifts were infuriatingly underutilized.

"What's going on?" Ralphie asked.

"I'm not sure if I want to know." Keesha said. "Phoebe, want to be roomies for old times' sake?"

"Sure!" Phoebe said brightly.

"What about me?" Wanda asked.

"Isn't Harry your date?" Keesha asked. "You could room with him."

"Oh, that's right." Wanda felt bad that she kept putting Harry on the back burner. He was a really nice guy, so she'd have to add him to her schemes. Maybe he was brilliant enough to figure out how to get Arnold and Phoebe back for slighting her. Or maybe he'd just look hot while Wanda was the brilliant one.

They all ended up picking rooms next to each other. "This is really fancy." Keesha remarked, looking at the room she and Phoebe were sharing.

"DA's right, this is really romantic." Phoebe tried to be nonchalant as she headed toward the door after setting her bag down on the bed. She forgot that she had real trouble being nonchalant.

"What the hell is up with you and Wanda?" Keesha blocked the door so Phoebe couldn't leave.

Phoebe had to lie. Of course, the best lies had elements of truth in them. "Wanda thinks Tim and Janet are about to get engaged. We're trying to make sure they do."

"How, exactly?"

"Wanda sent in songs that they like. She asked me for help, since her taste in music is questionable. I'm sworn to secrecy, but it's all her plan." Phoebe explained. Once she started talking, it came easier. "Please don't tell her I told you."

"Can you tone down the absolute weirdness a bit?"

"Sure." Phoebe said. Now she had to figure out how to tell Wanda what the fake plan was.

* * *

**three hours til the party**

"Who was that?" Ralphie asked as Arnold returned from a phone call.

"The DJ." Arnold replied.

"I thought we were sending songs in for the playlist." Tim said warily. Arnold didn't react. "Did you only get 'I Want Your Sex' from Carlos?"

"We're giving a suggested playlist to the DJ." Arnold explained quickly. "And how did you know?"

"I was Carlos's roommate for four years. I know these things." Tim said.

"Let's get some lunch." Arnold suggested.

"I gather this is too fancy of a day for hoagies." Ralphie said.

"You know, we're kind of in the middle of nowhere, and I'm pretty sure our choices are hoagies or wineries." Arnold thought aloud.

"So... wine for lunch it is." Carlos grinned.

"I'll run and bring us back some hoagies." Tim decided.

* * *

**one hour til the party**

"You don't look too fancy. Trust me." DA said as Wanda pouted about how much effort had gone into her hair. "Arnold's parents are... particular. And you know how my parents can be."

"Besides, we're going to be up in front of everyone." Janet said. "Is that a normal thing?"

"It's customary to introduce people who are important to the couple." DA's phone began ranging and she looked at the caller ID. "Hang on, I have to take this." She ducked into a hallway.

"So... something weird is going on." Wanda said.

"You're telling me." Keesha looked pointedly at Wanda.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Wanda asked.

"Janet, will you give us a minute?" Keesha said.

Phoebe remembered suddenly why she hated lying: she was terrible at it and about to get caught.

"Whatever." Janet left the room. Keesha shut the door.

"Look, I'm totally on board with you trying to get Tim and Janet to get engaged. Do you really think an engagement party is the right venue?" Keesha asked. Phoebe opened her mouth, but Keesha put a finger up. "I asked Wanda."

"Why not?" Wanda asked as Phoebe's face paled. "It's a romantic atmosphere. They're obviously happy together. It seems like as good a place as any to get engaged. As long as they don't make a huge deal out of stealing Arnold and DA's thunder, it should be fine, right?" Phoebe was astounded by Wanda's cool, calculated brilliance.

* * *

**thirty minutes until the party**

Tim hadn't thought of the ramifications of having garlic on his hoagie. He had been blinded by hunger, and now he was paying for it as he was desperately scrubbing at his teeth and tongue.

"Your friends are so weird." Janet said. She always cleaned up well, and the blue sleeveless dress she was wearing was no exception. Tim had opted for a suit – the only one he owned, actually, and only because Arnold insisted – with a blue tie to match Janet's dress. His natural curls had grown out a bit, but he kept his hair pretty short. The reality of having graduated was slowly hitting him: he started his new job on Monday, which was unsettling. He tried to put the nerves about starting his new job and the relative uncertainty of his future with Janet aside and focus on the relatively safer first engagement party of his friends' adult lives.

"I know." Tim said. "That's why we love them." Janet curled her lip in disgust. "Come on, put on a happy face. Your cousin's engaged."

Meanwhile, in the presidential suite, Wanda was scowling at her hair, which was usually her reaction to anything more than a rough blow-dry, unless it was for TV. "I don't understand why my hair couldn't just be straight." Her friends always made her have fancy hair for fancy occasions, and this time was no exception. Hers was pinned up in an elaborate updo, so it was out of her face. At least she looked incredibly hot in her bright pink dress.

"You've never been girly. Why do you like pink?" Keesha put a clip in her half-up hair.

"Because it looks awesome on me." Wanda adjusted her skirt. "You're not wearing purple, for once."

"I'm wearing violet." DA pitched in. Sometimes the best thing to do was to interrupt Keesha and Wanda before they could argue. She was wearing a halter-topped dress with a sweetheart neckline that flattered all of her best assets.

"Are you sure you want to wear that?" Janet asked skeptically. DA's dress had an emperor waist. "You kind of look pregnant. Do you have a secret you're keeping?"

"No." DA said.

Keesha was glad that everything felt normal. She kept getting flashbacks to formal dances in high school, which she blamed for making her nervous about Carlos. This was a party with dancing, and she was sure they'd end up dancing together. She wasn't sure what it meant or what she wanted it to mean. "How do I look?" She asked Phoebe. Her light blue dress had a v-shaped neckline, where Phoebe's green one had a high halter neckline with a small keyhole. The extra fabric on her chest made Phoebe look a little less flat-chested.

"You look gorgeous. Are you nervous?" Phoebe asked.

"Why would I be nervous?" Keesha usually told Phoebe everything, but she hadn't gone into too much detail about her emotional turmoil over Carlos. She wasn't sure what she felt yet, and didn't want to spend Phoebe's precious few days here talking about Keesha's hypothetical situations.

"I don't know." Phoebe and Keesha knew each other too well to successfully hide things from each other, so they both knew something was up. Phoebe hoped that Keesha was in denial about deep feelings for Carlos. As for Phoebe, it seemed like just when she'd resigned herself to one more year of forced singleness, she'd realized that perhaps she wanted to date someone after all. She couldn't tell anyone yet; Keesha was too absorbed in her own personal drama to see Phoebe's turmoil, DA was busy with wedding planning, and Wanda was both untrustworthy and too busy scheming.

Meanwhile, a similar scene with fewer curling irons was playing out in Arnold's room as the guys made sure Arnold's hair looked good. "Are you sure I look okay?" Arnold was convinced he was forgetting something.

"You look fine." Ralphie said. He'd had Arnold tie his tie for him. He was looking forward to a life spent mostly in slacks and button up shirts, which were only a little more complicated than the scrubs he'd spent the last three years in. He felt out of place in a suit, especially with how comfortable Arnold looked. Carlos tended to look uncomfortable in formal wear in general, which was why he often chose things that he found funny, like powder blue suits or tuxedos with tails. He had no problem looking ridiculous on purpose – it was looking ridiculous when he wanted to look good that was the problem. He wanted to make things official with Keesha, but he didn't know what she wanted, so that put a damper on things. Ralphie, on the other hand, was just confused. He'd been confused since the Phillies won the World Series, and that wasn't the enduring emotion he thought he'd feel. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that Phoebe asking him to a baseball game was a date and he'd missed the hint entirely because he was an idiot.

"Arnold," Mr. Perlstein poked his head in the door. "You'd better get out here. It's time."

"Where's everyone else?" Arnold asked. "Can you get DA or someone over here?"

"Sure." Mr. Perlstein said as he shut the door again.

"Why do you need everyone? Does that mean Janet?" Carlos asked warily. Tim shot him a look.

"You'll see." Arnold smiled.

DA knocked quickly and opened the door. "I've got the girls in the conference room off the ballroom."

"Okay, let's go there." Arnold said, and motioned for the guys to follow DA.

"What's going on?" Ralphie asked. "Why is everything secret?"

"You'll know in ten minutes." Arnold promised. "Just go in this room and wait for a second. We have to go mingle." He pushed the guys into a small conference room and shut the door.

"Please tell me they're not making us do some Hunger Games thing." Keesha folded her arms.

"Is that the one where the kids murder each other for the glory?" Carlos asked.

"Yep."

"My money's on Wanda." Carlos said. Keesha looked skeptical. "Okay, make that Keesha."

"So... you all look nice." Tim said to the girls before they could enter into a hypothetical knife fight discussion. Carlos and Ralphie muttered their agreement, and the girls mumbled their thanks. Ten minutes felt like a long time, so they started to make nervous small talk.

"I see you aren't wearing tails." Wanda said to Carlos. "Who's going to fetch us punch?"

"Fetch your own punch." Tim said.

"Were the Phillies playing today?" Phoebe asked Ralphie.

"They've got a double header in Washington. They won the first game." Ralphie said.

"Nice." Phoebe said. "The Red Sox are playing the Mariners later tonight."

"To think you could be in Seattle, watching your team." Ralphie said.

"I'd rather be here with all of you." Phoebe looked at her friends.

"Does anyone know what's going on?" Keesha asked. Everyone shook their heads. "Or exactly how many things are going on?"

Before anyone could deny they were a part of a secret scheme, Arnold and DA burst into the room.

"Why are you detaining us?" Tim demanded.

"Let me explain," Arnold said as DA grabbed Wanda and dragged her into a corner, behind some room dividers. DA had to take a minute to take in everyone's faces before their lives were changed forever. Again. "This isn't an engagement party. It's a wedding."

In near perfect unison, everyone's mouth was agape. Phoebe's shock quickly turned to glee, and she almost jumped on Keesha's foot in her excitement. Wanda nearly ripped the zipper out of DA's dress. Ralphie's disbelief turned into confusion.

"And we had to keep you in here because once some of you get alcohol, you're impossible to rein in." Arnold looked at Carlos, then to Wanda.

"And your parents are okay with this?" Janet asked.

"They've come around." Arnold said. "Mostly."

"So they know?" Ralphie asked. He hadn't thought he could get more confused, but he was. Arnold was avoiding looking at him.

"They've known this whole time." DA said as Wanda zipped up the back of her wedding dress. "Keesha, can you put the veil in?"

"This is so exciting!" Phoebe beamed.

"The ceremony's about to start, so there's a few things you should know." Arnold directed. "We're doing things a little bit differently, since this is kind of a Jewish wedding. The guys will all walk up first, then the ladies. After the ceremony, you'll pair up for the recessional."

"Who do we go with?" Wanda wondered.

"Just go back the same way you went up. Simple." DA said. "The best man and maid of honor go up last." She looked at Ralphie and Wanda to make sure they understood.

"Can I go with Harry?" Wanda asked. She didn't want to have to walk with Ralphie – it was too much like Homecoming. Harry would be preferable, even if he was a last-minute addition to the party.

"No." Arnold and DA said together.

"How did you not tell me?" Ralphie asked Arnold.

"It was hard." Arnold admitted. It was the first thing of major importance he'd ever successfully kept from his best friend. "But the look on your face was totally worth it." He tried.

"It's time." Mr. Perlstein, who was apparently in charge of the operation, said. "Come on, Arnold. Walk up with your mom. That'll help her feel better."

It did, even if it was temporary. Mrs. Perlstein had a litany of complaints through the whole process: she wasn't thrilled that the wedding wasn't as fancy as she would have liked; she didn't like that it was a surprise, or that DA wasn't Jewish. She was glad that Arnold had included his cousin in the lineup after much prodding, so there was something good. Arnold and his mother walked up to the makeshift altar, where a chuppah had been set up. The groomsmen followed in a single line, then the bridesmaids.

After the initial Jewish prayers, where the officiant acknowledged the different faiths of the bride and groom, Arnold and DA took candles that they'd lit to represent their individuality and lit a unity candle. They signed an agreement to be loving and faithful to each other, and then spoke their vows to love and cherish each other as they exchanged rings. At last, to symbolize the fragility of love and the breaking down of barriers, they each broke a glass. The crowd cheered as the couple kissed. When given the signal, the group went into the recessional in couples – Ralphie with Wanda, Tim with Janet, Carlos with Keesha, leaving Phoebe alone and feeling self-conscious. Then again, she should have expected as much since Janet was involved. The group went back into the conference room.

"It's working," Wanda whispered to Phoebe, looking at Carlos and Keesha, who were having an animated conversation. "It's too bad I can't ruin Arnold's day."

"Why would you want to do that?" Phoebe was incredulous.

"He said I was ugly." Wanda explained as if it were obvious. "I've got to find Harry." She went out to the ballroom.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Ralphie asked Arnold and DA. He figured he would have been told, even if none of the rest of the friends were. He and Arnold had been friends the longest, and he could've kept it a secret. It bothered him that Arnold and DA had kept something from him, and this was only the beginning. DA was going to be more important to Arnold now, and Ralphie was conflicted about it.

"We initially wanted to surprise everyone." Arnold explained, "But my mom would have freaked out if she didn't know beforehand. She made sure we did all the traditional Jewish stuff."

"Once we realized we couldn't surprise our family, we figured we could at least surprise all of you." DA finished.

"I wanted to tell you." Arnold looked almost pained. "I really did."

"Get out of here. The couple needs a few minutes alone." Mr. Perlstein called. The group went and sat at the table that had been reserved for them.

"We did it." DA was elated. "And they were surprised!"

"The surprise was a nice bonus." Arnold rested his forehead against DA's. "What's important is that we're married."

"It really happened." DA beamed.

Arnold kissed her. "Now we get to look forward to the rest of our lives together."

The thought of it brought tears to DA's eyes – the clear images she'd had of growing old with Arnold were officially going to happen now. "Do you feel different?" She asked.

"Not really. I don't know if we're supposed to." Arnold said. "I can't believe how far we've come. You were my first kiss."

"And now I'm your first wife." DA laughed.

"Only wife." Arnold corrected.

**Meanwhile, in the ballroom...**

"The rest of the guests must have thought we were just late." Tim remarked. "Like we took a wrong turn and ended up in Delaware." He looked at Carlos.

"Leave me alone." Carlos said.

"If you hadn't insisted on driving yourselves up, you could've ridden with us." Keesha offered.

"And arrive to the party of the century in Phoebe's crappy van? I don't think so." Carlos jibed.

"But we wouldn't have gotten lost, because Phoebe has a good sense of direction." Ralphie said. He didn't want to think about Arnold; it just made him sad. Instead, he was going to focus on Phoebe. That had potential to not be disastrous. "And I bet she'd believe me if I said she took a wrong turn." Phoebe nodded.

"I said you were right; what else do you want?" Carlos asked.

"At least you all made it here safely." Phoebe said, desperate to defuse the situation since Tim was too busy talking to Janet to do his job.

Wanda pulled Harry toward the table. "You all remember Harry, my hot surfer boyfriend. Harry, you remember my weird but hilarious friends." She insisted on sitting next to Keesha, making her scoot uncomfortably close to Carlos.

"Dude, there are chairs over there." Keesha said grumpily.

"The chi is better here." Wanda said as the rest of the group shifted around to make room for her. It was difficult for Phoebe not to cover her face with her hand. Involving Wanda had been a terrible idea.

"What is her deal?" Ralphie whispered to Phoebe.

"I have no idea." Phoebe grabbed the bread basket. "Bread?"

Ralphie took a roll and knew he was being diverted. It had recently become clear that Arnold had been distracting him for several weeks, and Phoebe was doing a lot of the same things: offering him food, talking about sports... "You can tell me."

"Tell you what?" Phoebe asked innocently as Arnold and DA joined them at the table.

"So what were you two doing in there?" Wanda asked. Carlos cleared his throat loudly.

"I like how you and Janet match." Phoebe changed the topic, pointing her fork at Tim. "It's classy."

"You can recognize class?" Janet asked. Keesha glared at her, and Phoebe looked down at her food.

"Cut it out." Tim glared at Janet.

"So when are we dancing?" Wanda asked. She was excited to see the fruits of her scheming.

"After dinner. Like a normal wedding." DA explained slowly.

"Because I haven't been dancing in forever." Wanda looked sweetly at Harry.

"Fifty bucks says she just wants to hump Harry in public and have it be socially acceptable." Carlos whispered.

"I'm not betting against that." Keesha giggled.

After dinner, Arnold and DA cut the cake and had their first dance. Despite the ceremony being a surprise for the majority of the guests, everything had been meticulously planned and only included the traditions Arnold and DA wanted – there was no tossing of the bouquet or the garter. The bar was getting a lot more traffic as dancing started. It only took Phoebe one glass of wine to walk up to DA with her more effusive congratulations.

"He is the prince that was promised." She said seriously. "His is the song of ice and fire."

"Um. Thanks." DA said kindly as she hugged Phoebe. The music changed and DA's face darkened. "Is that 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'?!"

"It sounds like it." Phoebe said.

"Dammit, Wanda." DA said. "Arnold, do you know if anyone's watching the music?"

"Relax." Arnold assured her. He was on Cloud Nine, and didn't want to worry about stupid things like the music. "I think it's kind of hilarious."

"I didn't put it on the playlist. Did you?" DA asked.

"No."

"So if Wanda figured out how to edit the playlist, what else did she put on there?" DA wondered.

"Okay, that's a better point." Arnold said.

* * *

Carlos and Keesha were standing near the wall, enjoying some drinks and watching people dance. "Why the hell are there jingle bells in this song?" Carlos asked.

"So it could be Wanda's favorite Christmas song, in addition to her overall favorite song." Keesha suggested. "It's dramatic enough."

"Which songs did you send?" Carlos asked.

"The good ones." Keesha smiled slyly. "'More than Words,' 'In Your Eyes,' 'With or Without You,' - I can't remember the rest."

"You do know that "'With or Without You' is a terrible love song." Carlos pointed out.

"It just seemed appropriate." Keesha bit the inside of her cheek.

"Ah." Carlos looked out at the crowd.

* * *

Meanwhile, Phoebe was trying to will Keesha and Carlos to dance with her mind. Once they started dancing and one of the songs Wanda had sent in played, they would have to acknowledge what everyone else already knew. Maybe the rabbi was still around and they could get married. The possibilities were endless.

"Why do you keep staring at them?" Ralphie asked. Everyone else had paired up, leaving him with Phoebe, not that he minded. He was still kicking himself for missing the hint about the baseball game. He just wished she'd tell him what was going on. This felt similar to Arnold's hiding his wedding from Ralphie, and he didn't like it. Phoebe tried to think of an answer, but didn't have to. The music changed, and Ralphie looked agitated. He took a deep breath to calm himself down.

"What?" She asked.

"Who sent in this song?" He asked, overly calm. Phoebe looked confused. It was REO Speedwagon, and Ralphie was more agitated than excited.

"Didn't you?" She wondered. Ralphie was looking past her, and she turned around to see Carlos laughing.

"No." Ralphie tried to calmly walk over to Carlos, who laughed harder the closer Ralphie got. "How did you figure this out?"

"You always change the song when it comes on. I figured there was a reason." Carlos said. "And it would've been on their tour schedule in 1983..."

"Wait, you actually sat down and figured out the song that was playing when..." Keesha trailed off. "That takes effort. I don't know if I should be disgusted or impressed."

"Exactly the reaction I was going for." Carlos grinned.

"Why did you do that?" Phoebe asked.

"I wanted to let you know that I know in a big way. This was the perfect opportunity." Carlos shrugged. Ralphie had figured as much.

"I'm going to get a beer." He announced, and walked away.

"You realize he's your roommate. He's got ample opportunity to get you back." Phoebe said.

Carlos shrugged. "Oh well. Let him try."

"Bad idea." Keesha said. "Something else is going to end up on fire."

Phoebe desperately wanted to abandon Carlos and Keesha to each other again. "I'm also going to get a beer." She said. It didn't sound as stupid as she thought.

"Sorry." Ralphie started as Phoebe opened her beer.

"Complete change of subject." Phoebe proposed. "Evidence-based practice. Do they do it in physical therapy?"

"Yeah." Ralphie was confused. "Why?"

"I just wanted to know how it worked in a different field." Phoebe explained.

Ralphie wondered if she was trying to hide something from him, or just distract him from the song. "Probably the same."

* * *

Wanda was impressed that Harry could still dance to terrible music that Ralphie liked. "Doesn't this remind you of Tim's basement?" Harry asked.

"This place is way classier than that dump." Wanda pulled him closer and turned to monitor the various people she was in the process of sticking it to.

"I meant with all your friends, plus Janet and me." Harry said.

"And all of the old people DA and Arnold are related to." Wanda said too loudly.

"Quieter." Harry laughed. Being with Wanda was at times exhilarating and embarrassing.

* * *

DA felt a moral obligation to monitor the party, but figured she might as well have some fun with it. "Okay, I'm betting Wanda gets drunk first." She said to Arnold. "Who do you think will?"

"Ralphie was upset about something, then practically ran to the bar." Arnold was concerned. "I don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning."

"You can't run interference for him." DA said. "He's going to have to make his own mistakes here."

"I know." Arnold sighed. "I bet he's just upset that we couldn't tell him. He'll get over it. He's happy for us."

DA wondered if the surprise wedding was such a good idea if it was going to cause this much drama. "Maybe we should have done this the normal way."

"You know Ralphie. He'll be upset for a little while, then he'll get past it. I'll talk to him later." Arnold promised. "We did the right thing."He was mostly convinced – once these wrinkles were ironed out, everything would be fine.

* * *

An hour or so later, Tim and Janet were sitting at a table, drinking. The more Janet drank, the more vocal she was about things she hated – the food, the music, songs Tim had submitted, everything. Finally, Tim had enough. "Stop pretending like you're too cool for everything."

"Why, because that's your thing?" Janet asked.

"What's this really about?" Tim turned toward her. "Is this about New York?"

"Does everything have to be about New York?"

Tim knew he had her when she asked that. "I thought we agreed to stay in Philly for a while."

"How long is a while?" Janet asked. "A year? Forever? There's a lot of ambiguity there."

"Do you want a contract?" Tim demanded.

"Do we have to do this here?" Janet had this way of starting an argument, getting Tim involved, then acting like it was all his fault. It drove him crazy.

"Okay, look, we can talk about it in a year." Tim said calmly. "How about that?"

"Fine." Janet smiled. "And now we're not making a scene."

Tim wanted to figure out a way to tell Janet she started it without sounding like he was five.

* * *

Ralphie was finding talking to Phoebe was a good distraction from everything that was going on, and decided he wanted to know the secret plan more than he wanted to know why Arnold hadn't told him the biggest thing in his life. Their long conversation about evidence-based practice had moved to _Breaking Bad,_ which Phoebe hadn't seen, then to the ever-popular baseball. Ralphie wondered if they were talking about baseball because there was nothing else to say or because it was something that only they had in common. It was either a really good sign or a really bad sign, and the longer they talked, the more Ralphie wanted it to be a really good sign.

"So you can stop trying to keep me from figuring out your plan." Ralphie said casually.

"What plan?" Phoebe asked. She was getting better at looking thoroughly confused, but his bringing up reminded her to glance over at Keesha and Carlos. She'd been distracted by the conversation and hadn't been monitoring the couple's inevitable progress toward undying love.

"Whatever plan you and Wanda have." Ralphie said. "Maybe I could help you." He looked sincere and convincing. Phoebe had forgotten how adorably earnest Ralphie could look.

"If we had a plan." Phoebe said, looking away quickly.

"Please tell me I'm not the target." Ralphie said.

"Why would you be?" Phoebe asked.

"Because -" Ralphie started. "I don't know, it just seems like it's one of those days where everything's not going well for me. Arnold didn't tell me he was getting married."

"That's huge." Phoebe agreed. "What else?"

"That's the main thing." Ralphie didn't want to mention that he had missed her huge hint. "I mean, the only big thing I've never told him was when I was hooking up with Kim, but he figured it out. And the only thing he hasn't figured out is that I cried at _Moulin Rouge_."

"You didn't!" Phoebe's eyes widened.

Ralphie nodded. "Keesha made me watch it the summer after high school."

"And you're telling me, but not Arnold?" Phoebe was flattered.

"I know you won't judge me." Ralphie smiled.

"I think it's sweet." Phoebe said. Ralphie blushed a little and rubbed the back of his neck, as he always did when he was nervous or embarrassed.

"Of course you would." He said. He wanted to divert away from this subject, "So – that's my deep, dark secret. What's yours?"

"Keesha knows, so I don't think it counts." Phoebe said, thinking. "There's not much she doesn't know about me."

"Not much, but there's something?" Ralphie asked.

"I'd – rather not say." Phoebe could feel her heart rate quicken. "There's something only she knows though. It's not something I'm proud of."

"We've all done things we're not proud of." Ralphie assured her. When she took a second to think, he added, "You're not secretly evil, are you?"

"No!" Phoebe was aghast. He was still looking at her, and she was sure he wouldn't like her if she knew about the hook up. Maybe that was a good thing. "Earlier this year, I was ..." Phoebe abandoned her preamble and looked at her feet. "I hooked up with a first year." She said softly. "And it was revolting. I hated myself for it. I don't know why I did it – it was disgusting on several levels. I was just depressed and I missed everyone and I had terrible judgment."

"And that's it?" Ralphie asked. Phoebe had described the process of how Ralphie had approached dating several times – it would have been several more times if Arnold hadn't interfered. She looked really downcast. "You realize it takes a lot more than that to make you a bad person, right?"

"I just wasn't being myself." Phoebe explained. "So I'm not this paragon of virtue that I'm supposed to be."

"Well that's a relief." Ralphie smiled encouragingly. "It makes you human."

"The worst part was – besides that it happened – was that he's a _first_ year." Phoebe sighed. "If I was going to hook up with a creepy guy, why not one about to graduate?"

Ralphie couldn't help but laugh, but tried to stop himself. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine." Phoebe smiled. "It's funny. It's my stupid luck."

"Mine too." Ralphie put his hand on her arm. "Enough about that. Want to dance?"

"Sure." Phoebe smiled and they went on to the dance floor.

* * *

Keesha narrowed her eyes. There was something weird about this song. "This is 'Always Something There to Remind Me.'"

"You chose it, didn't you?" Carlos asked. Keesha loved 80s music, while Carlos had tolerated it in all its synthesizer ridiculousness, but only because he liked Keesha.

"No." Keesha said. "I think." It fit her situation too well. She'd tried to focus her romantic songs on Arnold and DA, not on her own inner struggle. She was reluctant to label what she had with Carlos – labels led to disappointment. She couldn't get away from him, though, no matter how she tried, because she really didn't want to. And only one person had a clue about the extent of her dilemma. "Wanda!" She called.

"What?" Wanda hated to be torn away from Harry, who was the highlight of her night, since none of the scheming had produced its dramatic fruit yet.

"How many songs did Phoebe send DA?" Keesha asked. Carlos looked puzzled.

"Ten. Probably seven of which are about following and watching people sleep. You know how Phoebe is." Wanda shrugged, then remembered she probably shouldn't know much about what Phoebe submitted. "That's what DA said, anyway. You should ask her."

"I think I will." Keesha said and starting heading toward DA and Arnold. Wanda couldn't protest without looking suspicious, so she turned back to Harry.

"... and all my aunt could hear was the innuendos." DA was complaining to Arnold. "I thought we sanitized the playlist."

"I did!" Arnold said. "Crap; Keesha looks mad."

"I thought we were avoiding drama." DA whispered. "Maybe we should've just gone to Vegas."

"Phoebe's songs. What were they?" Keesha asked.

"Mostly songs about following people and watching them sleep." DA shrugged.

"And James Taylor." Arnold qualified.

"Who sent in 'Always Something There to Remind Me'?" Keesha asked.

"Didn't you?" DA replied. "It sounds like a song you'd pick."

"Can you look it up?" Keesha pleaded.

"I'd rather be dancing with my husband." DA said. Arnold couldn't hide the giddy smile every time he heard the word, and the two headed off to dance.

"Please!" Keesha called after them.

"Hey, maybe you sent it but forgot." Carlos put his arm around her. "Come on, let's dance."

"Fine." Keesha acquiesced.

* * *

Tim had ignored the last several things Janet had said. "Are you even listening?" She asked.

"I'm drinking until I can stand you again." Tim remarked and took a shot.

"Fine." Janet ordered a shot of her own. "Let's both do that then."

* * *

Harry couldn't stand the suspense. Wanda usually told him things that she found funny, but she wasn't this time. "Why do you keep laughing?" He whispered. "What are you up to?"

"Five two." Wanda said coyly.

"Har har. Really. Tell me." He said. Wanda couldn't say no to that face – or that body, realistically.

"So you remember Carlos, right?" Wanda said. Everything was going beautifully. It looked like Keesha and Carlos were getting closer, last time she checked. Come to think of it, it had been a while since she checked in on them.

"Wanda!" Keesha tapped her shoulder. "Come with me."

"What?" Wanda asked, grabbing Harry's arm as Keesha towed her off the dance floor.

"Your plan isn't working." Keesha folded her arms.

"Which plan?" Wanda couldn't remember. "You forget that I always have several plans in motion."

"Tim and Janet look like they'd rather run into a burning building than get engaged." Keesha indicated them with her eyes.

"It's all part of the plan. Make them fight, so then they have makeup sex and realize that's better than fighting." Wanda spit-balled.

"And that involves submitting songs I like?" Keesha raised an eyebrow.

"You know Tim hates synthesizers. It'd be background noise that makes him more upset." Wanda had a tactical advantage: she was really good at making things up. "Why? What do you think the plan is?"

"When I find out you've been lying to me, I'm going to be very upset." Keesha said patiently.

* * *

Ralphie had run out of things to say as he danced with Phoebe. They kept moving closer and closer to each other. He still couldn't forget Arnold's failure to tell him about the wedding. He was worried he'd mess this up with Phoebe, because she seemed so distracted. _Maybe she doesn't like me, and I'm irritating her. She gave me a chance yesterday and I blew it._

_This isn't happening. It can't happen_. Phoebe kept thinking, even as she found herself wanting something to happen. She wished she could have a good honest heart-to-heart with Keesha about this, but she had to prioritize Keesha's realization that she'd been in love with Carlos this whole time. The last thing she needed was to be distracted by Ralphie. Maybe he was just paying attention to her until he learned her plan. This called for a Hail Mary. "Okay, I'll tell you the plan. You just can't tell anyone." Phoebe mumbled.

"What plan?" Ralphie asked, stepping back so he could look Phoebe in the eye so she could see his feigned surprise. _"_I wasn't aware that you had any plans."

"Stop it." Phoebe smiled. "I made a list of songs that would remind Keesha that she's actually in love with Carlos. Then I sent it to Wanda to send to DA so no one would suspect me."

"Damn, you're good. That sounds exactly like the kind of plan you'd come up with." Ralphie grinned. "What songs did you send?"

"Most of the 80s ones that are actually optimistic. And 'You're the One that I Want,' because they sang it in high school." It felt good to actually explain this to someone supportive.

"You definitely should've talked to me first." Ralphie said. "I could've advised you on how to get Carlos instead of just focusing on Keesha."

"True." Phoebe acquiesced. She was about to suggest getting a glass of water when "Unchained Melody" started playing.

"This is a good one." Ralphie said. Things were suddenly going much better – Phoebe obviously liked him, since she trusted him with the plan, and this song was awesome. It was a sign. Things were finally going to go his way.

"I submitted it." Phoebe admitted, moving closer. "It's probably the best love song of all time." She wouldn't look at him in the eye anymore. It was too awkward with the best love song of all time playing and no Hail Mary to distract him anymore.

"Probably." Ralphie took a big step back. "We also probably danced to it in high school, only we were out like this." They could have fit another person between them. Phoebe laughed a little.

"You have to move your arm more," Phoebe said, dipping their hands in tune with the music. Ralphie laughed and stepped closer to her again. Phoebe didn't mind dancing more closely – that way she didn't have to look at him, and looking at him made her nervous because they liked each other. She had to do something to acknowledge this. The only way was forward, she decided. No more diversions. They hadn't worked before. _If I look back, I am lost_. "I liked you for about two days in high school."Phoebe said quietly.

"No way." Ralphie, on the other hand, didn't particularly like not having eye contact while they talked. "I liked you for two days. What are the chances they were the same two days?"

"Knowing my luck, excellent." Phoebe bit the inside of her cheek.

"I know." Ralphie found himself wondering what was going to happen. This was too good to be true – Phoebe was nice, and she seemed to care about him, even though she knew more about him than most of his girlfriends ever had. But she was also holding back, and he didn't want to ruin something by being too pushy. In the ensuing silence, Phoebe had started quietly singing along absent-mindedly, and, with nothing else to say, Ralphie did as well. _This is so weird._ He thought. _Why can't I just do something? We like each other. What is this, middle school?_

As the song crescendoed, Phoebe tried to gloss over mentions of love, which was difficult as it was a central theme of the song. Her anxious thoughts reeled, but they were matched by how awesome it felt to be liked by someone who really understood her. She was in an impossible situation.

What Phoebe had neglected to plan for was that the apex of the song was in falsetto, and Ralphie sung it as such. No one had heard it except for Phoebe, and the unexpectedness made her laugh so hard she was gasping for long as she was laughing, she wasn't anxious, so whatever was going to happen would need to happen fast.

"Are you okay?" Ralphie asked. Phoebe nodded. She could feel tears at the edge of her eyes. "Can you breathe?" Phoebe nodded again. "Was it something I said?" He was smirking.

"Can we go outside?" She managed.

"Yeah," Ralphie took her hand.

* * *

Fighting with Janet was twice as exhausting when Tim tried to keep it from seeming like they were fighting. They were both quite drunk, which had lead to an outburst or two before they were able to compose themselves. "Look." Tim slurred. "We've got to figure out this New York thing once and for all."

"I want to live there. I'm going to take the New York bar. I don't want to work for my mom like some kind of loser." Janet seemed to be looking around for one of Tim's friends, but none of them worked for their moms. "I want to be a big time New York City lawyer. You know this. You knew it the whole time."

"I know." Tim conceded. "And I don't want to live in that shithole." He said it a bit regretfully. "We were good, you know that?"

"We were fuckin' awesome." Janet nodded.

"Why aren't we good now?" Tim asked.

"I know how we can be good again!" Janet's eyes lit up. "We just have to figure out a place to live. What about DC?"

"I don't want to live with a bunch of douchebag politicians."

"Chicago?"

"I hate their pizza."

"LA?"

"Too fake."

"God, you're going to keep shooting down every idea except Philly."

"I'd accept Camden." Tim smirked, and Janet burst out laughing.

"You know what I always thought was a funny place?" Janet composed herself for a second.

"What?"

"Poughkeepsie." It took Janet three tries to say it without laughing. Tim had to laugh with her.

"Why are we only this good when we're drunk?" Tim lamented.

"What if we commuted?" Janet asked seriously. "We could live halfway between. Ride the train."

"Oh my God. That might actually work." Tim grabbed a napkin. "Do you have a pen?"

"Why?"

"I need to write this down because I'm not going to remember." Tim ran off to look for a pen, and did his best not to face plant onto the floor.

* * *

Arnold and DA had hoped to be in their own little world, and they were, to a degree. Every time they'd feel like it was safe to escape into perfect bliss, a questionable song would play. Still, they were able to mingle about, meeting and schmoozing with each others' families. A few relatives made less than gracious remarks about the surprise wedding, but just as many expressed their delight.

"I'm actually kind of surprised that some of them hate it." DA said.

"I'm surprised that you're surprised." Arnold remarked. "Surprises aren't really your favorite."

"Unless I'm the surpriser." DA grinned. The fact that this was the third time they'd heard that Peter Gabriel song that was playing was odd. "Please tell me this song has played before."

"I think it has." Arnold said after a moment of thought. "I can take time and fix it."

"No. This seems like a best man job." DA said.

"Where is Ralphie?" Arnold looked around. "If he's watching the baseball game..."

* * *

Carlos groaned when he heard the song. "How many times did you submit this?"

"Just once!" Keesha argued. "I'm telling you, something's up."

"Why do you think that?" Carlos asked.

"Because Phoebe and Wanda are acting weird."

"I want you to think through that sentence."

"Fine." Keesha scowled. "I might be going crazy."

"That's not what I was saying." Carlos clarified. "You might be a little paranoid, but I bet you can get that from hanging out with Phoebe too much."

"Careful." Keesha warned, but she was smiling.

* * *

Wanda wasn't satisfied with the low level of drama that had been happening. Sure, Tim and Janet had stopped fighting and were probably making out in a closet somewhere, so that was good for the fake plan. Wanda would have rather been making out in a closet, but she needed to watch her plan unfold. Unfortunately, the only people who seemed to notice the music choices were Arnold and DA. Keesha had been on to something, but Carlos was steering her away. Wanda wondered if it would be stupid to let Carlos in on the plan. It would be effective, she figured, except for the part where Phoebe might "accidentally" shove her in a river.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

"Not enough is happening." Wanda said impatiently.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I have some options." Wanda didn't want to list them. "Is there a river nearby?"

"Yes." Harry said.

"Shit." Wanda moved to her next favorite option. "We need to go over by the music again."

"Is this really necessary? I mean, I thought we were here to have a good time." Harry tried not to sound whiny.

"We are. Trust me; you'll love watching this play out. Phase I is over. We're moving to Phase Two." Harry blocked her from view as she changed the song.

* * *

Keesha and Carlos had decided the ballroom was getting a little warm, so they went out on the balcony. It had taken a few tries to find doors that worked. "Why do they even have some of those doors if they don't open?" Keesha asked.

"They look fancy." Carlos guessed as he sat next to her on a swinging bench. "Why did Arnold and DA want to get married in the middle of nowhere? I figured they'd want something more urban."

Keesha shrugged. "Maybe it reminds them of all the times they drove back and forth across the state. It's pretty here."

"Not now. Now it's just dark." Carlos looked up at the moon. "This is just weird. Our friends are getting married."

"I know." It troubled Keesha more than she thought it would. "Everything's going to change."

"They're probably going to start playing tennis together or something." Carlos rolled his eyes.

"We're all going to do adult stuff – we're going to get mortgages and minivans." Keesha stared ahead. "I'm not ready for this."

"We're all in it together." Carlos put his arm around her. "And I'm not getting a minivan."

"Whatever. You're going to outdo all the soccer moms." Keesha scoffed.

"I'm really good at cutting orange slices, okay?" Carlos feigned offense.

"At the risk of getting overly cheesy and reflective," Keesha trailed off.

"We're at a wedding. I'm pretty sure DA's parents are sobbing over how just yesterday she was a know-it-all little girl, and know she's a know-it-all grown woman." Carlos shrugged.

"Do you ever think of all the random shit we've been through?"

"I don't think we've been through any shit – oh wait, yes. Yes we have." Carlos thought aloud.

"Figurative shit, not literal shit." Keesha kept going. "I mean, we've been there." She pointed at the moon.

"And we didn't leave Janet. That's the real miracle." Carlos didn't know why he was feeling so snarky – possibly because this was dangerously close to feelings territory, and joking about things was easier than talking about them.

"Seriously, how did any of us make it out sane?" Keesha sighed.

"No one's the same." Carlos said softly.

Keesha was going to correct him, but then she realized he wasn't trying to laugh it off, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "And I'm glad. Most of the time."

* * *

When Ralphie and Phoebe had tried to go to the balcony, it had been occupied by Evan and her boyfriend. None of the other doors to the apparent other balconies had worked, so they ended up in a walk-in closet that served as coat check. Neither could tell for sure who started kissing whom. Phoebe was at once elated and terrified. Things weren't supposed to work this way. This wasn't the plan, but it felt like it could be. Ralphie was relieved that he hadn't blown his chances with Phoebe by being oblivious. At last, something was going right – and this was a good enough development to temporarily counter feeling hurt about Arnold. At least he wasn't going to be alone, and Phoebe was someone he'd always been comfortable with. If he thought about it hard enough, this could have been coming for a long time, which made its happening that much more satisfying. It was hard to tell how much time passed before they broke apart. Phoebe's anxiety was written all over her face, and Ralphie's joy quickly changed to concern.

The longer no one said anything, the worse Ralphie felt. Phoebe looked like she could start to cry at any second. "What's wrong?" Ralphie asked.

Phoebe had never been more grateful for her own comfort with awkward silences. It would have been disastrous had she unloaded all her insecurities and anxieties on Ralphie, who obviously saw them making out in a closet as a positive development rather than a complicated one. They had options, but the most attractive one was a long distance relationship, and Phoebe's last two had ended terribly. Phoebe bit the inside of her cheek. "I'm just – thinking." She hated how concerned he looked.

"Oh. Okay." Ralphie wondered why he thought things would work out for him. Phoebe hugged him.

"I'm just freaking out. That's all." She said, still holding on.

"Why?" He asked.

"It's complicated. Let's get back to the party. We'll talk about it later." Phoebe looked up at him and smiled encouragingly. There was something about Ralphie – how easy he was to talk to, how sensitive and funny he was – that made her think it could be worth it to face the possibility of failure. She just had to convince herself she wasn't afraid.

* * *

To Arnold's relief, Ralphie was walking across the party instead of watching the baseball game. Arnold wasn't sure where he'd been, but it wasn't a big deal as long as he was there. Arnold pulled him aside. "Hey, we think something's up with the playlist."

"Is that why there's way too much Peter Gabriel on it?" Ralphie asked.

"I think so. Will you fix it?"

"Of course." Ralphie wanted to add something like "anything for my best friend," but he couldn't say it entirely seriously. Ralphie sat at the laptop and Wanda walked up.

"What are you doing?" She asked. "Arnold put me in charge of music."

Ralphie laughed, then decided to try the overly serious route. "I know what you're up to. Phoebe told me everything."

"Whatever. Why would she tell you?" Wanda scoffed. "And who's to say Phoebe's in on it? Phoebe would make terrible plans, like – oh, hi Phoebe."

"What's going on?" Phoebe asked.

"I could ask you the same thing." Wanda looked at where Phoebe's hand was on the back of the chair where Ralphie was sitting.

"I'm fixing the music." Ralphie said, oblivious to the girls' pointed looks at each other. "Apparently it's been compromised. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"I'm just here for the party." Wanda knew there was no winning with Ralphie, so walked back off to Harry.

"We should probably play one of these that Arnold or DA submitted, don't you think?" Ralphie asked as he pressed play. Phoebe smiled weakly.

* * *

Keesha heard the opening chords from the balcony. "I have to get Phoebe." She said, standing up suddenly.

"Why?" Carlos asked, following her back into the ballroom. Keesha scanned the interior. "What's wrong?"

"This is 'Hey There Delilah.' She's going to turn into a blubbering mess if she hears it, and it could take hours before she calms down." She said. She had to keep it short, but could go into more detail about any songs with mentions of distance being anathema to Phoebe right now.

"Oh. Shit." Carlos said. "Need help?"

"No. Go – do something else. Nothing destructive. I'll find you later." Keesha finally spied Phoebe in the corner near the laptop with the music, her hands up to her face. She darted across the dance floor and grabbed Phoebe's arm. "Come on." She dragged Phoebe toward the conference room.

"What are you doing?" Ralphie asked, but Keesha ignored him.

"This song..." Phoebe squeaked. She was on the verge of tears.

"Don't listen to it. Think of something else." Keesha commanded as she ushered Phoebe into the conference room and shut the door.

"Get out of here!" Janet yelled from where she and Tim were entangled on the floor.

Keesha shouted apologies as she pushed Phoebe back out the door and into the hallway. Phoebe steeled herself. This song hit far too close to home, but she had an opportunity to check on her plan if she could hold herself together.

"Where were you?" Phoebe wondered, trying to keep her lip from trembling. She had to focus.

"I was out on the balcony with Carlos." Keesha said.

"Did you guys have a good talk?" Phoebe asked. Keesha stopped suddenly, even though they were in a hallway and the song was easy to hear.

"What are you getting at?" Keesha countered.

"Nothing." Phoebe lied. "I just figured you were talking because you'd been out there a while."

"We're friends. We talk." Keesha said. She was defensive; this was progress. Ralphie came out into the hallway and up to where Keesha and Phoebe were talking.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ralphie asked Keesha.

"Keeping Phoebe from having an emotional meltdown. Why do you care?" Keesha retorted. Ralphie rubbed the back of his neck and Phoebe looked away. "Oh Jesus. Really?" She asked Phoebe.

"Did you find her?" Carlos ran into the hallway. Keesha was glaring at Ralphie, who was looking at his feet. Phoebe looked sheepish. "Do I want to know what's going on?"

"We need to talk." Keesha said to Phoebe. "Alone."

"I know somewhere." Phoebe sighed and headed back to the coat check.

"So. How about them Eagles?" Carlos said.

"It's baseball season." Ralphie watched the girls walk off.

* * *

DA watched Phoebe and Keesha walk purposefully across the room. "Why is everyone storming around everywhere?" DA asked. "Did Carlos submit another song?"

"No. This is one of ours." Arnold said. "Why did we think this would be less drama?"

"What happened?" DA wondered.

"I just asked Ralphie to fix the music, and Phoebe and Wanda went over there. Wanda left, then Keesha ran across the room to Phoebe, Carlos followed, and now Keesha and Phoebe are going over there. I guess." Arnold recounted.

"Where's Tim?" DA looked around.

"Janet's not here either. I don't want to know what they're doing." Arnold sighed. The song that was next was one that had come out when they started dating, and he pulled DA closer. "Let's just forget about what's going on. The drama will blow over, and this time we're not in on it."

DA smiled. "It always does."

"Besides, it'll be better to hear about at breakfast when it's all done." Arnold remarked. "This song reminds me of the summer after graduation."

"After _your _graduation." DA corrected kindly. It used to irritate her that her friends referred to their undergraduate ceremony as the only one that happened or assumed that she had graduated as well.

"Well yeah." Arnold said. "It's just nice to think about being in the moment right now. Everything's changing all around us, but we can just be _here_."

DA nodded. "I think we're the eye of the hurricane that is our group."

Arnold laughed. "You're right."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the coat check closet, Keesha was agitated. "When were you going to tell me about this?"

"It literally just happened!" Phoebe explained. "I don't even fully understand what's going on."

"Let me help you. What did you do?" Keesha asked.

"We were talking a lot, and -"

"You didn't get all sheepish because you were _talking_." Keesha interrupted.

Phoebe sighed heavily. "We made out in a closet."

"This closet?" Keesha knew the answer to it and cringed when Phoebe nodded.

Phoebe changed her tactic. "Why are you so upset?"

"I'm not upset." Keesha thought for a better word for how she felt. "Bothered, maybe."

"Why?" Phoebe prodded.

Keesha lowered her head a little and looked Phoebe right in the eye. "Ralphie? Really?"

"What's so wrong with him?"

"He's an idiot. A goofy, loveable idiot, but he's an idiot." Keesha tried to explain.

"Look, I'm scared as hell about this, okay? I don't know if it's a relationship or what, and I've never had a long distance relationship work." Phoebe admitted. It looked like she was getting her heart-to-heart with Keesha after all.

"Technically, Arnold and DA have had the only successful relationship." Keesha thought aloud. She was glad Phoebe cut her off before she started rambling about what really bothered her.

"I think you and Carlos -" Phoebe started.

"We aren't dating." Keesha interrupted.

"You hook up exclusively." Phoebe explained.

"And?"

"There's a word for that: dating." Phoebe said firmly. "Why are you fighting it?"

"Why are you pushing it?" Keesha had a ton of reasons why she and Carlos weren't dating: labels ended in failure, for one. For another, she didn't think she could handle any more grown up stuff, and hooking up felt delightfully like college. If she could hold on to that forever, she'd be better off.

"Because you make each other happy." Phoebe insisted. "I know that it ended badly last time, and I know that you're scared, but I think you two love each other. It's worth fixing. Just go for it."

Keesha pursed her lips together. "You're so damned optimistic."

"Because you two will work." Phoebe hugged Keesha.

"What do you mean by 'work'? Because I can't handle any more of this getting married and growing up stuff." Keesha said into Phoebe's shoulder.

"It's not like what we thought, is it?" Phoebe couldn't help starting to cry.

"It's real and it's happening and I'm not ready." Keesha said, feeling tears in her eyes too. "So that's what's been bugging me. Your turn."

Phoebe sniffled. "I hate being away from you guys. Because whatever happens with Ralphie is screwed once I go back to school."

"No it's not." Keesha said. "If there's anyone that wouldn't be bothered by the reality of a long distance relationship – or reality in general – it'd be Ralphie. And you. You two could dream your way through it."

xxx

As Ralphie watched Keesha and Phoebe storm off, he realized he had a golden opportunity. Carlos wouldn't want to talk about baseball. "So. You and Keesha, huh?"

"What, are you trying to kick me out of your hotel room so Phoebe can sleep over? I saw how you were looking at her." Carlos countered.

"That's not what I was asking." Ralphie said. He had been entrusted with the plan for a reason, and he couldn't blow it. "I just think you and Keesha are good together."

"Yeah, well." Carlos looked over at the computer and saw that DA's email was open, so he walked up to it.

"I was working on the music." Ralphie explained, following Carlos.

"I didn't send in this shit." Carlos pointed to "I Want Your Sex." "I don't like 80s music."

"But you listen to it, because Keesha likes it." Ralphie explained.

Carlos turned his head. "I know what you're trying to do. You're really obvious."

Ralphie shrugged. He didn't count subtlety as one of his strengths. "So you didn't send this?"

"No." Carlos said. "I bet I know who did."

* * *

Wanda was slightly upset that the latest flurry of drama had happened over a song that she had nothing to do with. Why hadn't she thought of putting in songs that were all about being far away? That would stick it to Phoebe more than anything. "I think it's time for Phase Three."

"How many phases are there?" Harry asked.

"As many as we need." Wanda said. "Now we just have to get them away from the music. Any ideas?"

Harry knew she wouldn't stop scheming until she was satisfied. "I'm not the idea guy. You are."

"Good point." Wanda beamed.

* * *

Ralphie looked at the playlist. "So which songs did you send in?"

"I sent in some Sinatra, because DA likes classy stuff like that. I sent in 'Everything I Do' so I could sing 'everything I chew, I chew it for you.'" Carlos looked self-satisfied.

"That's bad." Ralphie shook his head.

"Plus that song that your mom -"

"Stop."

"Seriously, that's the only one I sent that wasn't actually good." Carlos said. "Anyway, I haven't heard any of my other songs." He looked through the email and found a recall message. "Wanda. You little shit. She recalled the email and replaced it with -"

"Exactly what everyone thought you'd send." Ralphie finished.

"What's going on?" DA asked, walking up to the guys.

"I didn't send in all those songs." Carlos insisted. "Wanda must have guessed my password. I sent a bunch of stuff that was good, I swear."

"I believe you." DA smiled.

"Really?" Arnold asked. DA nodded emphatically.

"We have an understanding." She explained.

"Where's everyone else?" Arnold wondered.

"Wanda's dancing. Keesha and Phoebe are talking..." Ralphie trailed off.

"Carlos, will you find Tim?" DA asked. "The parents are starting to go home. I think only a few of them are staying here, since they figured that we'd be up being loud. We can get some actual dancing in."

"So you wouldn't care if there was something suggestive in the playlist?" Carlos asked.

"No. Why?" DA wasn't sure where this was going.

"What if we let Wanda _think _she was messing with us..." Carlos started.

"But then we don't get to just enjoy it." DA said. "Why not ignore it?"

Arnold pointed at DA. "Yes. Let's do that. Will you please go find Tim?" Carlos shrugged and walked back to the main dance floor. "You're okay, right?" He asked Ralphie.

"Mostly." Ralphie smiled. "Don't worry about me. Are you having fun?"

"Yeah!" Arnold said brightly. "Are you?"

"Yes." Ralphie thought for a second. Arnold looked at him expectantly. "Interesting things are happening."

"You're being vague. You're never vague." Arnold said. He thought back over the past while to guess what could be going on with Ralphie. Arnold had been brimming with excitement about his secret wedding, but had noticed Ralphie and Phoebe together a lot. "Phoebe?"

"We made out in coat check." Ralphie admitted. "So there's that."

"Really? That _is_ interesting." Arnold said. "Are you two together?"

Ralphie shrugged. "Long story. We'll talk later. Go enjoy your reception."

* * *

"Okay, they left the music." Wanda said. "We've got to go now!"

"What phase are we on again?" Harry wondered.

"Does it matter?" Wanda grinned as she pulled up a list of more suggestive songs and hit play.

* * *

"I'm pretty sure this isn't approved." Keesha said to Phoebe as they left the coat check for the rest of the group.

"Is it one Carlos sent?" Phoebe asked.

"Ugh. Probably." Keesha sighed. "He can't take anything seriously."

"Yes he can." Phoebe assured her. "Probably not in public, though."

"True." Keesha said. "He did wear a regular suit to this."

"See?" Phoebe grinned as they gathered with the rest of their friends.

"Way to submit an appropriate song, Carlos." Tim said.

"Where the hell have you been?" Carlos asked.

"You don't want to know." Phoebe answered for Tim, who looked away.

Carlos shook his head. "I should have known, what with Janet being a sex-crazed she demon."

"She's not a demon." Tim said.

"Speaking of demons, I was reading the books again," Carlos said.

"Really?" Phoebe asked excitedly.

"And isn't it freaky how much Tim is Stannis?" Carlos asked. Tim sighed heavily. "I mean, he's boring as hell, no one likes him..."

"I'm also right here." Tim said.

"He even grinds his teeth." Carlos said, then turned to Tim. "Don't argue with me on that."

"I'm not going to." Tim put his hands up.

"And Janet's the crazy priestess that makes him do all kinds of evil things because she seduces him." Tim rolled his eyes and sighed.

Phoebe's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "How did I not see this?"

"Why aren't you all dancing?" Wanda asked as she and Harry walked up. "At least Arnold and DA are getting freaky."

"Why do you care?" Janet asked, joining the group.

"She doesn't want Arnold and DA to be the only ones enjoying the Carlos-submitted extravaganza." Keesha shrugged. Carlos bristled a bit.

"Tell her." Ralphie whispered. Carlos gave him a look.

"Why don't you go dance with your girlfriend?" Carlos asked. Ralphie glanced at Phoebe, who smiled weakly.

"What was that?" Tim asked. "What's going on?"

"What do you think?" Keesha asked. "It's a gathering of all of us in an enclosed space with alcohol."

"Oh." Tim nodded to Keesha and Carlos. "So you two are actually together, then?"

"Well - I - " Carlos started.

"Dude, I know what you meant." He looked over at Ralphie. "I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to give you shit."

"But why not give Ralphie more shit?" Carlos asked.

"Because do I really need more shit?" Ralphie asked.

"Seriously, why are you just standing around?" DA asked as the song finished. "Come on, guys, live a little!"

Keesha both loved and hated hearing the words she'd used to talk herself into getting together with Carlos. It had been a tough journey, sure, but it had been filled with a lot of good times. Maybe the good times outweighed the bad.

"Are you guys going to stay out all night?" Tim asked Arnold and DA.

"Yeah, don't you have other stuff to do?" Wanda winked too obviously.

"Come out and dance first." DA insisted. "It'll be like old times."

"Hang on. I need to go to the bathroom." Wanda said. She took one last look at all the group before she left.

"Yeah, she's going to screw with the music." Ralphie said.

"I think everyone knew that." Keesha pointed out.

"Just making sure." Ralphie clarified.

"She is not." Harry tried.

"Oh, Harry." DA said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What you don't know is that Wanda is always planning something, and it's usually not too hard to figure out."

"So what's the plan, then?" Harry challenged.

"The same as it always is." Keesha said. "General havoc."

* * *

As the rest of the group started dancing, Phoebe grabbed Ralphie's arm. "Can we talk outside?"

"Sure." Ralphie said. They headed to the balcony.

_Moment of truth_. Ralphie thought. Phoebe sat on the swinging bench, and Ralphie sat next to her. Ralphie decided to say something before Phoebe could. "I really like you." Phoebe responded by leaning her head on his shoulder.

"I know." She said.

"Are you quoting _Star Wars_?" Ralphie asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Am I Han Solo now? Because I've always wanted to be Han Solo." Phoebe started laughing.

"Sure." She said. "Sorry about the closet. I was just scared."

"Scared of what?" Ralphie put his arm around her.

"I like you a lot. But I live in Oregon, and the idea of a long distance relationship scares me." Phoebe said. "I wasn't worth it the last two times."

"It's nothing to do with you. Arnold was an idiot when he was 19." Ralphie said, putting his other arm around her and hugging her. "And Tim is probably too sarcastic."

Phoebe sighed. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to see if this works." He said. "What do you want?"

"I want to live in Philly again." Phoebe said. If there was one sentence Phoebe ever said that Ralphie could relate to completely, that was it. "I just don't want this to be over before it starts."

"We already talk all the time through baseball season. We can just talk more. And Skype." Ralphie assured. "I don't want to drop this because of fear, you know?"

"Right." Phoebe said. "Me either."

After a moment of quiet, he took a deep breath. "Just to put this all out there: I'm also freaking out."

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"Arnold's been my friend for over twenty years. We live further apart now than we ever have. He got married without telling me."

Phoebe was silent. Ralphie had forgotten about this part of talking to Phoebe.

"And I have abandonment issues." He spelled it out. "I know why he did it – it was an awesome surprise. It really was. It's just a lot to deal with, not that my dealing with things is what's most important. I mean, I'm glad I can talk to you about things."

"Sorry I'm going to leave in a week." Phoebe almost whispered.

"We'll figure it out." He kissed the top of her head.

* * *

Inside, the music was loud and the dancing raucous. After a few songs, Carlos felt he needed to come clean to Keesha.

"Look, I didn't submit any of these songs." He said.

"Sure you didn't." Keesha smirked.

"Because I submitted a bunch of songs that remind me of you." Carlos continued.

"And they were..." Keesha raised her eyebrows.

Carlos had another idea. "Let's go over to the laptop."

"Why?" Keesha asked.

"So I can show you what I actually sent." Carlos said. "Just remember the REO Speedwagon was for Ralphie."

"You dedicated a song to Ralphie," Keesha laughed. Carlos didn't want to say anything. He had committed to this serious mood, and joking would get him off topic too quickly.

"Okay. Look at this." Carlos said, logging on to his email from the laptop. He opened the recalled email from his sent items, then stood up and folded his arms. He watched Keesha's expression as she read them.

"'Everything I Do'? Really?" Keesha asked, incredulous. "Was this so you could sing 'everything I chew'?"

"Maybe." Carlos admitted.

Keesha continued reading the list - "'The Way You Look Tonight,' - appropriate choice for a wedding, but creepy because she's your ex," she remarked.

"It wasn't for DA." Carlos argued.

"You're responsible for Peter Gabriel?" Keesha asked.

"Only because you like it, and I'm more of a 'Sledgehammer' kind of guy." Carlos said. "I submitted these songs for you, but Wanda screwed with it. Look, I know we've had a really weird start. I know that I was a complete douche canoe."

Keesha understood why Carlos was acknowledging the past, but she wanted to get to the point. "Yeah, but I love you."

Carlos blinked a few times. "What?"

"You heard me." Keesha said. "You were going off topic."

"Damn it, you're -" Carlos started. "Amazing. Seriously. How do you not put up with my shit like this?"

Keesha smiled and her features softened. "You're right, though - we got a weird start, but -"

Carlos interrupted her. "I love you."

"Damn it." Keesha laughed.

"Turnabout's fair play." Carlos grinned. "So let's cut out this whole not dating shit."

"Done." Keesha said, and opened up a browser window on the laptop. "I'm going to put it on Facebook so it's real."

* * *

The excitement of the evening had kept DA going for a while, but suddenly, exhaustion hit her like a ton of bricks. "I think I've had about enough." She said.

"Yeah." Arnold looked out at the dance floor. "I'll go get Ralphie so he can announce that we're leaving."

"Don't take too long." DA said.

The guests had pretty much thinned out to the group of eight, plus the parents and Dorothy Ann's siblings, so there weren't many people for Arnold and DA to say goodbye to before returning to their room for the night.

"All right," Mrs. Mauer said to the only ones left. "Time to start cleaning."

After several minutes of moving floral arrangements and picking up trash, the hall was passably clean according to Mrs. Mauer. "We'll see you all at breakfast." She said, leaving the gang in a group.

"We're going to bed, right, Tim?" Janet's voice was saccharine.

"Night guys." Tim said. "Don't have too much fun."

"I kind of feel like I'm watching him go to his death." Carlos remarked as Tim and Janet walked off to their room.

"So, Phoebe." Wanda started, an evil glint in her eye.

"Wanda." Phoebe returned, trying to hide her wariness.

"Keesha." Wanda continued.

"Where are you going with this?" Keesha asked.

"You two are rooming together tonight?" Wanda recalled. "You might want to rethink that." Phoebe started blushing, which is exactly what Wanda wanted.

"Good point." Carlos put an arm around Keesha. "Mind trading me spots, Phoebe?"

"Um." Phoebe looked at Ralphie, then at Keesha. "I guess. Yeah."

"Why are you trying to make her feel awkward?" Keesha asked Wanda.

"Because it's too easy." Wanda said. "And she said I was ugly."

"I didn't!" Phoebe protested. "You said my feet -"

"Oh, right. Don't look at her feet." Wanda advised Ralphie. "She's missing several toenails, and the ones she has are all purple and gnarly."

"So?" Ralphie asked. "Why would I care what her feet look like?"

"They're really bad." Wanda continued. "All calloused and -"

"Enough about Phoebe's feet." Keesha interrupted. "Wanda, go bang Harry, like you've been talking about all night."

"Oh right. Let's get out of here." Wanda slid her arm around Harry's waist. "Night!" She called back to her friends as she stuck her hand in his back pocket, satisfied with the havoc she'd wreaked. Now to think of something to do to Arnold. Probably at breakfast.

* * *

**author's note**: title is from the series I've been referencing throughout. It's also reminiscent of the prophecy Phoebe quotes to DA: "He is the prince that was promised, and his is the song of ice and fire," which appears in _A Clash of Kings_.

**references and things I don't own:**

Stannis and Melisandre, the red woman, are characters from _A Song of Ice and Fire_. And, yes, they are very much like Tim and Janet.

"I know" is what Han Solo said to Leia's profession of love in _The Empire Strikes Back_, but since Ralphie would rather be Han Solo, this is a reference to _Return of the Jedi_ when Leia says it back to Han.

**mentioned songs that I don't own: **

"The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound Gang

"I Want Your Sex" - George Michael

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler

"More than Words" - Extreme

"In Your Eyes" - Peter Gabriel

"With or Without You" - U2

"Keep on Lovin' You" - REO Speedwagon

"Always Something There to Remind Me" - Naked Eyes

"You're the One that I Want" - from _Grease_

"Unchained Melody" - The Righteous Brothers

"Hey There Delilah" - Plain White Ts

"Everything I Do (I Do it For You)" - Bryan Adams

"Sledgehammer" - Peter Gabriel

Did Phoebe send in "You're So Vain" in her songs about James Taylor? Why do we even have that lever? Will Tim and Janet move to Camden? Is Keesha going to be the one that gets a minivan first? What will Wanda do to get Arnold back?

up next, the very last chapter of grad school, unless DA goes for her PhD. You never know.


	18. no place else is good enough

**chapter 17: ****no place else is good enough**

**May 25, 2009  
****Philadelphia International Airport  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Phoebe had started crying before she hugged any of her friends goodbye. Leaving was going to be torturous. She and Ralphie had hardly been apart in the last week, and things were feeling normal that way. Now she had to get on a plane and see if the third long distance relationship was the charm.

"You'll be back before you know it." Keesha said to Phoebe. "You'd better text me when you land. I don't care if you text him first, but don't forget to text me."

"I'm going to text you first." Phoebe promised. "You're still my best friend. And I'll be back for Christmas."

"Send me your graduation date and I'll start booking the travel." Keesha said. "Everyone, save your vacation days." Phoebe smiled.

"I graduate first, don't I?" Carlos asked.

"Why do you always have to be first?" Keesha asked back.

"You're going to miss your flight." Tim warned Phoebe, who heaved a heavy sigh and turned to Ralphie, who she'd saved for last.

"This is going to be okay, right?" She asked as she hugged him.

"Yeah." Ralphie said. "At least it's baseball season." It was the only thing he could think of that didn't suck about the situation.

"Time, Phoebe." Keesha said kindly.

"All right," Phoebe said, tearing up more at the sight of her friends. "See you in December."

As Phoebe walked away, she looked back a few times before vanishing into the terminal.

"Dude, you can't just stand there staring all day." Wanda said to Ralphie.

"Let him have his moment, okay?" Arnold insisted.

Wanda pouted. "I don't understand why everyone's being so nice to him all of a sudden." She said.

Phoebe reminded herself that she'd done this several times, and she'd always come back. After this trip, she'd only leave Philly once more to go to vet school. After that, it'd be trips to the airport for things like vacations and visits to family, and she wouldn't have to go alone.

Ralphie had been happy for a week, and he could feel his happiness fading as soon as they left the airport. Now he had to face reality: he had an actual job that he could fail at, his girlfriend (whom he had yet to tell his mother about) lived across the country, and his best friend not only moved out, but would be too busy between work and studying to spend any time with him. Arnold and DA were going to go scout out the cabin in the Poconos where Arnold could hole up and study for the bar – it was the closest thing they'd get to a honeymoon. There was very little to be happy about, except for the Phillies. Baseball would be more important than ever this year.

"When are you going up to the cabin?" He asked Arnold.

"Tomorrow." Arnold said. He'd stayed the extra week since it'd be months until the gang were all together again. He knew that Ralphie was unhappy, and he had to do what he could to help him. "Want to go to Reading Terminal Market?"

"Yeah." Ralphie said. "Yeah, I do."

* * *

**May 29, 2009  
****In Your Face Studios  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"What do you mean it's not working?" Wanda asked.

"We warned you that Philadelphia was the wrong city to host the show." Mark, one of the representatives from the network, said casually.

"I've seen the ratings. They're not bad." Wanda said firmly.

"But they're not good either. We're going to have to make changes here." Mark replied.

"It was the first season." Wanda continued. "We're tweaking things."

"You're going to have to do more than just 'tweak.'" Mark said. "But we are willing to find a place for you – maybe on-screen talent, since you're better at that than writing – on the retooled show in New York."

"No." Wanda's response was, as usual, instinctual. She never remembered deciding this, but she couldn't take it back. She had to commit to her gut feeling or look weak. "The show has potential. It's already doing better than most first-season news parodies. You just want it under your control."

"So we can ensure it's not just a fluke." Mark added. "Don't kid yourself. You were floundering here before we came in. Come to New York and your show will get bigger than you ever dreamed."

"Never." Wanda said. "The show doesn't need it."

"You haven't been in the business as long as I have." Mark insisted. "We're bringing the show to New York to make it the next _Colbert Report_."

"It already is." Wanda insisted. Mark shook his head and pulled a piece of paper out of his portfolio.

"Effective immediately, _In Your Face_ will be housed out of New York. Should you foolishly remain here, you cannot use any of the terms we've trademarked." Wanda peered at the list.

"You took everything I wrote." She realized aloud.

"You're the one who signed our agreement." Mark wouldn't wipe the stupid smirk off his face. "We own everything."

Wanda took a deep breath. "I'm not going to let you take my show to New York and steal my hard work."

"It's not up to you." Mark's tone was eerily calm.

"You can't do this to me!" She blurted out.

"Very well." Mark said. "You're terminated effective immediately. Your check's in the mail. It's been – nice – working with you." He walked off, leaving Wanda shocked.

"I made this show." Wanda said softly. "It was mine." Gerri passed her in the hallway, carrying a box of stuff. "Gerri! Can you believe these bastards?"

Gerri looked at Wanda. "You made a last stand, didn't you?"

"You're damn right, and they fired me, but we can re-launch." Wanda took a deep breath. "We'll go back to the public access studio in Walkerville, and -"

"I'm going to New York." Gerri interrupted.

Wanda stared in disbelief. "What? You?"

"It's an amazing opportunity that I'd never get otherwise." Gerri harbored some disdain in her voice. She didn't care to be reminded that the uppity little girl who'd ruined her show had been her boss.

"But - but my quick rise to fame - I must be good, right?" Wanda stammered.

Gerri laughed. "You're known for terrible advice and being reckless. Good luck with that."

"Fuck." Wanda said. "Gerri - what do I do?"

"I suggest you find something you won't screw up and do that. Good luck, Wanda."

After Gerri left, Wanda was the only one in the office. She grabbed an old paper box from near the printer and emptied her desk, tossing things in angrily, but refusing to cry. Finally, she dragged her stuff down to her car. She dropped the box on the front seat and sat in the driver's seat, slamming her door shut before calling Harry.

"You won't believe this." She started. "Those assholes moved my show to New York."

"They were always going to do that." He said. "I saw that coming a million miles away. So now what?"

"I told them I wasn't moving to New York. They fired me!" Wanda hated saying it. She would have normally come up with something else, something that didn't make her look as bad, but she was too shocked. "And... what do I do?"

"Don't ask me." Harry said. His visions of being on Wanda's arm at TV awards shows were fading quickly. Now Wanda was an unemployed loser just like he'd been, and he couldn't do that again. She had to come up with something. She always did.

"Could I stay with you for a while?" Wanda asked. "How do you get another job?"

"You apply." Harry explained slowly.

"But where?" Wanda asked.

"Don't you have connections? You were always bragging about your connections." Harry said.

"Yeah, I may have alienated them." Wanda realized. "By being an asshole." Gerri's honesty had really hit home – Wanda was often rude to guests on and off the air. It was all for laughs, but it hadn't made her many friends.

"There's always McDonald's." Harry suggested.

"You're not helping!" Wanda whined. "Help me. Tell me it's going to be okay."

Harry thought a moment. Wanda didn't need coddling; she needed the truth. "You're a TV personality known for being an asshole. That's not exactly... good. I guess you could audition for some reality shows. They always need villains."

"God damn it." Wanda cried. "You're no help at all. What are you good for?"

"I don't have to take this." Harry said. "You know what, Wanda? You're a complete douchebag. You're manipulative, you're selfish, and you're loud. You don't care what anyone else thinks."

"And you only showed up when I was successful." Wanda argued.

"That's all you deserved." Harry spat.

"Go fuck yourself." Wanda hung up on him. She screamed from the anger and the pain. Then she realized she should probably drive somewhere more private. Somewhere like home.

* * *

**June 22, 2009  
****Keesha's apartment  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Keesha looked so professional in her slacks and blazer, holding her travel coffee mug, while Wanda was in her pink pajamas, lounging on the couch in front of the TV. At the begging and insistence of her friends, she'd moved in with Keesha to save money. She'd subleased her apartment and alerted her landlord, at DA's behest, and Tim was trying to get her to sell her car. Wanda wasn't ready to give up all of her status symbols yet, even if she could hardly afford to pay for parking. She'd saved some money, but not much. Keesha, on the other hand, had just been promoted to a lead advisor role, and offered Wanda a rent-free room in her apartment. "But you actually have to try to find a job." She insisted. "Don't just sit here and get depressed."

"I don't get depressed." Wanda said for the hundredth time. "And I'm going to apply for jobs."

"Okay." Keesha said. "Call me if you want to go to lunch."

"Unemployed, remember?"

"I'll pay." Keesha insisted.

"I don't need your charity." Wanda said glumly. "Have a good day."

"Thanks." Keesha left. Her apartment was nothing special, but at least the building was relatively safe and close to work. She'd talked with Wanda about the possibility of moving to a two bedroom. After all, Phoebe would probably move in with Keesha after graduation, and Keesha could afford to pay a bit more in rent once her raise took effect. She took the train, and had made a special effort to dress up today to signify to herself that she had new levels of responsibility. It was odd - she hadn't been there long, but her boss left at the exact time that Keesha was ready to move on to bigger things. Keesha flashed her transit pass to the attendant and headed to the train. She was concerned about Wanda. With DA so far away, it was almost her responsibility to make sure everyone was okay. She got on the train. "Tim!" She called.

"Fancy meeting you here." Tim smirked. They'd realized they took the same train a month or so ago, but had never been in the same car before. It looked like it worked out today.

"Are you wearing a tie?" Keesha scoffed.

"Are you wearing a blazer?" Tim countered.

"First day of the new promotion." Keesha sat down next to Tim. "What's your excuse?"

Tim shrugged. "I want to make an impression. I might be assigned to a project rehabilitating a bridge out in the middle of nowhere."

"I'm sure you'll make a good impression. That's a sharp tie." Keesha nodded.

"You should talk, fancy blazer."

"Any word from Janet?" Keesha asked.

"No." Tim shrugged. "That's kind of the point, I guess." He knew what she was really asking. "I think we're okay. She's been reaching out to firms she worked with in New York."

"But you're here." Keesha said.

"We'll alternate weekends." Tim said unconvincingly. "After she takes the bar in February."

"Rough." Keesha smiled sympathetically. "It's hard enough with Carlos here but in clinic all the time."

"Yeah." Tim wasn't really saying much of substance. "Nothing you need to worry about. How's Wanda holding together?"

"Barely." Keesha said. "But you didn't hear it from me."

"Got it." Tim said.

"And Ralphie?" Keesha asked.

Tim took a minute to compose his thoughts. "Well, he likes his job."

"And probably nothing else." Keesha finished.

"Can you really blame him, though?" Tim asked.

"No." Keesha said. "I'm worried about him."

"I'm worried about Wanda." Tim added. "How about we plan a weekly get together?"

"You mean when _Breaking Bad_ isn't on?" Keesha asked.

"Yeah." Tim said. "We could have a dinner with everyone. Not takeout and TV, but actual food like actual adults."

"That's a really good idea." Keesha said.

"That's why they pay me the big bucks." Tim remarked.

"That and your fancy New York education." Keesha grinned.

Tim's smirk twitched a bit at the mention of New York. "This is my stop." Tim announced. "Good luck with your new job."

"Knock 'em dead," Keesha returned. Her work was two stops away, so she got out her phone and began composing a text to send to her friends to set up a Friday night dinner.

* * *

**July 28, 2009  
****The Perlsteins'  
****Walkerville, PA**

Arnold had been working hard at the firm, and work had a tendency to pile up when he had other things he wanted to do. He hoped things would go better after he got his bar results in April, when he'd be doing more meaningful work instead of spending long hours paying his dues. He and DA had only been married four months. This was supposed to be the happiest time of their lives, but Arnold was living in isolation. Phoebe called him occasionally, as she always had. She tried to be pretty equal-opportunity with most of her friends, though everyone knew Keesha - and now, Ralphie - always got more attention. He hadn't had time to call her back, but he'd send her texts. It was the most he could handle. He was even dreaming about these stupid cases - the minutia didn't bother him, it was the unending nature of the paperwork. The cases he saw were straightforward and boring. "I hate my job. Can I say that? I wanted to help people. I'm just pushing paper all day. The problems I see are too easy to solve. This sucks."

"It's just drudgery." DA reminded him. "Give it some time." She sat next to him on the couch. "Maybe we're both just stuck in a holding pattern at work right now."

"It sucks." Arnold sighed. "We did everything right, you know?"

"Yeah." DA put her arms around him. "I'm sure things will work out for us. And at least we have each other no matter what."

"Seriously." Arnold rubbed her back. "At least something's going right."

* * *

**August 21, 2009  
****Janet's apartment  
****New York, NY**

Janet had finally reached out to Tim and asked him to come visit, and he was able to set up a meeting with his mentor while he was up there. She was about to start her bar prep class while at a prestigious clerkship with a well-known prosecutor. Tim finished reading a few comics on the train up to New York. It was weird being away from his friends again, heading to New York, where he'd hidden during grad school. He wasn't feeling particularly inspired by the big city this time. It was just big, that was all. Finally, he got to the city and went to Janet's apartment.

"Hey," Janet smiled. "How's work?"

"It's great," Tim said, hugging her. "Much better than school."

"That's the goal, right?" Janet stepped aside and Tim came in. Her apartment was well-decorated - Janet had champagne tastes and a decent eye for decoration. She also had heaps of binders and bar study guides out. Everything about her apartment screamed "young lawyer trying to make it big in New York."

There was room there for Tim. He could pull together some sophisticated looking pieces in an apartment. They could convert an extra bedroom to an office/studio. Maybe they wouldn't live in the city, but just outside so they could have space. "Right," Tim said. "I like what you've done with the place."

"Better than that dumpy studio, right?" Janet smirked. "The partners love me at my clerkship. Everything is perfect."

"Awesome." Tim said.

"You like it here." Janet reminded him. "And engineering firms here won't send you to projects in the middle of nowhere."

"I just wish we didn't fight all the time, you know?" Tim put his bag down and chose not to address his doubts about his workplace.

"That's not what this weekend is about." Janet said. "Come on, let me show you the bedroom."

* * *

**September 2, 2009  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Keesha felt like she knew what everyone in Carlos's class was doing - who was going into residencies, who had internships, and who had flunked their boards. Carlos was really good at remembering details about people. "That's why my patients love me. I'm always going to remember what teams they like, what classes they're taking, all that small talk crap dentists do."

"Please tell me you don't tell them jokes." Keesha said.

"I do, though." Carlos said.

"With the sharp instruments in their mouths?"

"No!" Carlos cried out, indignantly. "Those jokes are just for me. To make them laugh, I mostly tell them we'll have to pull their teeth out when they don't want to get fillings."

"And your professors -"

"Think it's hilarious." Carlos finished.

"Do the faculty have the same terrible sense of humor?" Keesha wondered.

"Of course." Carlos said. "Dentists are known for our amazing senses of humor. We have to. Have you seen advanced decay?"

"Yes. Thank you for showing me those pictures." Keesha said.

"Brush your teeth. That's the moral of the story." Carlos stretched back in his chair.

"And I do." Keesha said. "Because I'm familiar with the consequences, thanks to my dentist boyfriend." So far, dating hadn't ended in disappointment, and they were both grateful for it.

"Almost-dentist." Carlos corrected. "I'm still a few tests away."

"Thank God some of us aren't real adults yet." Keesha sighed. "It still freaks me out."

"You know, they do have amazing minivans now." Carlos smirked. "The gas mileage isn't too bad."

Keesha ignored the joke and looked at him. "Do you know what you're doing? You know, when you do your dentist stuff?"

"Hell yes." Carlos said. "I know this stuff, but I apparently can't practice yet because of 'laws' and 'regulations' and 'ethics'."

"That's senioritis." Keesha said. "But it's different out there in the real world."

"I thought it wasn't." Carlos recalled. "I thought it was simple and school was a bunch of hoops to jump through."

"It wasn't before, when things were easy." Keesha said. "But I'm actually responsible for important things now."

"Because undergraduates' futures aren't important." Carlos snarked.

"You know what I mean." Keesha said. "There's more at stake now. More undergraduates and their advisors."

"You're good at what you do." Carlos assured her. "At pretty much everything you do."

"Go on." Keesha raised her eyebrows.

Carlos indulged her. "Not to mention that you're gorgeous."

* * *

**October 11, 2009  
****Corvallis State University  
****Corvallis, OR**

"Swept." Ralphie shook his head sympathetically when Phoebe picked up the phone.

"If you're mean about this -" Phoebe started. She could hear him saying how shameful it was for the Red Sox to lose at Fenway and be denied a chance to be the American League Champions by the Angels.

"No," Ralphie said kindly. Maybe if they lived in the same city, he could get away with being mean, but they were too far apart and it seemed almost passive-aggressive. "Although I think a Red Sox-Phillies World Series would put a strain on our relationship."

Phoebe sighed. "It would."

"Because someone would have to lose." Ralphie continued. "At least the Phillies won."

"I'm glad they're still in it." Phoebe said. "Think they can beat the Dodgers after they take the Rockies?"

"Do you have to ask?" Ralphie asked. "Sorry the Yankees haven't lost."

"Let the Angels have them." Phoebe shook her head. "At least October's almost halfway over, so I'll be back home soon." Ralphie always liked it when Phoebe referred to Philly as home. It made all the Boston stuff somewhat bearable. The initial pain of separation in summer was gone, replaced by the busy-ness of fall. Baseball had helped, but now there was no more solace for Phoebe because the Red Sox were out of the playoffs.

"When do you get here again?" Ralphie asked.

"Last day of rotations is the 18th." Phoebe said.

"Two months and a week." Ralphie said. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"How are you doing - really?" Phoebe asked.

Ralphie shrugged. "I can't complain."

"Yes, you can." Phoebe corrected. "And you do."

Ralphie pursed his lips. "Yeah. I'm trying to do better."

Phoebe figured she'd have to be the one who started the optimism. "I like my rotation." She said. "Surgery is interesting, and it's good practice. But I miss you guys every day. Especially you. Especially during baseball season."

Ralphie sighed. "I know. I miss you too. And my job is great. I have patients making real progress and I feel like I'm actually helping people." He started feeling a little better when thinking about things he liked.

"That's great." Phoebe said.

"And I'm not too depressed." Ralphie continued. "I mean, I wish you were here, and I know I'd feel better if you were. And I hardly talk to Arnold because he's always doing lawyer stuff – I mean, no one really talks to Arnold right now. I bet he hates being alone." Phoebe had gone silent. Ralphie refused to be freaked out and instead just kept talking. "I've never really been in a situation like this before without Arnold, so this is really weird. But I'm okay. I promise, I'm okay."

Phoebe wished she was with him – he sounded like he needed a hug. "By the time the World Series is over, it'll be less than two months."

"True." Ralphie yawned. "Hey, I gotta go. It's late. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You have to fix people tomorrow." Phoebe said.

"Every day." Ralphie smiled. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Phoebe said. "The Phillies better win."

* * *

**October 19, 2009  
****Walkerville Mall  
****Walkerville, PA**

Wanda hated lowering herself to this, but she had promised Keesha she'd stay busy, so she was working retail. She'd cold-called every TV station about jobs and was either curtly refused or outright laughed at. It wasn't just the stooping to an hourly wage when she'd previously been famous that was insulting, it was working in the same mall that Keesha had worked in when they were 16. Fortunately, Wanda didn't work at Hot Dog on a Stick, not that folding clothes at a department store was much better. It hardly justified the train fare, but she'd finally given in and sold her car. It hurt to lose everything: her job, her dignity, her hot surfer boyfriend. Fortunately, she couldn't lose her friends, no matter what she did. Not that she wanted to try. For the first time in her life, she was actually afraid that they'd run out on her. After all, she'd lost everything else.

So here she was, straightening displays and following around teenagers who thought it was funny to disrupt them. She hoped to pick up extra shifts around the holidays if nothing permanent materialized before then. Who knew, maybe she could do some sort of crazy undercover journalism? At least she had a job, she was reminded by her new coworkers, who were all making the same terrible wages as she was with similar stories of layoffs.

She'd been conflicted about watching the new _In Your Face_, but decided to tune in to see the sinking ship she'd abandoned. Unfortunately for her, the new format was great. The longer she watched, the more obvious it was that she'd made the wrong decision. It occurred to her to beg for a job, but there was no way she'd swallow that much pride, so instead, she stewed and folded the hell out of sweaters as she plotted her revenge.

Wanda didn't give up on a real job, though. If DA had found a job through Tim's dad, Wanda could find a job through one of her friends. Maybe DA could get her a teaching job. She could warn unsuspecting undergraduates about the brutal world of TV. She didn't need an advanced degree, she'd lived the life. Unfortunately that didn't count for much.

* * *

**November 4, 2009  
****The Guys' House  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Things had looked so good until the Phillies lost two consecutive games at home. If the Yankees won Game 6, it was over. Ralphie watched the game over at his aunt's with his mom, as usual. This World Series, he'd learned that it was acceptable to swear in front of his mom when the World Series was at stake.

Every run the Yankees scored on the Phillies in Game 6 brought more intense rounds of profanity from the entire household. It looked like it was over from the second inning, but they had to hold out hope as much as possible, until the final out and "We Are the Champions" played in Yankee Stadium.

"What the hell are they going to do with 27 titles?" Dr. Tennelli scoffed.

"Be tremendous jackasses." Uncle Tony said. "Like they always are."

"I need to call Phoebe. I think I hate the Yankees more than she does right now." Ralphie said.

"That's the girlfriend." Dr. Tennelli explained to her sister. "She likes the Red Sox." Before Brenda could make a remark about Ralphie's taste in women, he left and started walking home. He could practically feel the pall falling over his city. New York had ruined everything again.

Baseball protocol dictated that the winner would call to heckle the loser, and in any other circumstance, Phoebe would have rooted for the American League team. She'd compromised by texting him a frowny face. Ralphie called her. "This is awful."

"I know." Phoebe said.

"I think you're the only person who has any idea how much pain I'm in right now." Ralphie continued.

"I really wish I was there." Phoebe said.

"Me too." Ralphie said. "I mean, I do all the time, but especially right now."

"Yeah." Phoebe sighed. "There's just nothing else to say."

"There are a lot of things to say." Ralphie said. "I've never heard my mom swear more in my life."

"That makes sense." Phoebe said.

"I have to go to bed." Ralphie said despondently. "I have to work tomorrow."

"You could call in sick." Phoebe offered.

"I think the whole city's calling in sick."

* * *

**November 15, 2009  
****Walker State University  
****Walkerville, PA**

DA was standing in her boss's office with the research proposal. "Dr. Fender and I want to submit this to some science journals."

"Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?" Jane asked. "This is usually librarian-level work. Dorothy Ann, I've told you that we don't have a position right now."

"I'm taking initiative." DA said.

"Your ideas are great. This study idea has potential." Jane looked at the paper. "But you need to ask before you just do things."

"So, next time." DA started.

"No, this time." Jane interrupted. "I can't let you go ahead with this, and frankly, this makes me wonder if you're ready for more responsibility."

"But I am." DA argued. "That's why I'm doing this. I know how to do these projects, and I have ideas. I'm great with the faculty."

"You are." Jane nodded. "But there's more to it than just knowledge. It's politics."

"I know, that's why -" DA continued.

"Dorothy Ann, listen." Her boss interrupted. "Here's what I see: you're young, ambitious, and bright. The biggest flaw you have is that you know that you're ambitious and bright, and you think you know the best way to proceed. You just go ahead instead of asking around to see what will work. This could be a great idea," she held DA's proposal, "or it could be a revisiting of the Dean's worst nightmare. How are you supposed to know that?"

"I checked his previous research, and -" DA started.

"You run it by me." Jane answered her own question. "It's my business to figure out what will work and what won't. I think this collaboration has merit, but it could also be political suicide. This faculty member is controversial."

DA sat back. She hadn't seen any drawback to the project, but Dr. Fender had been a bit vague about his previous dealings with committees, and had seemed eager for DA to do the legwork. She began to see that she might just have been played, and she was angry that it hadn't been that hard for Dr. Fender to get her to risk everything.

"I can fix this." Jane sighed. "Please talk to me about your ideas before you run amok."

DA was stuck. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I know." Jane said encouragingly. "I know you're frustrated and you feel stuck. You'll be a great librarian. I'd love to give you the title; I just wish the budget would warrant it. Hang in there."

DA had a million questions - "how long?" being one, but she didn't ask. Instead, she went to her desk, feeling heavy. For the first time since she'd got this miracle job, she decided to look for something else.

* * *

**December 11, 2009  
****A Physical Therapy Clinic  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Ralphie thought that today would be a good day: Phoebe would be in town in a week, he had a decent day of patients, and he was going to meet Arnold for lunch. It started going off-kilter when he looked at Facebook that morning and had a message from his father. It had freaked him out, but he responded without asking Arnold or Phoebe or anyone for help. He did text Arnold and Phoebe to let them know that it happened, but neither party responded. He figured Phoebe might be running or in clinic or something, but as the hours rolled by with no response, he started to wonder if something was wrong. Then, at 11 am, Arnold called to cancel his lunch appointment because his workload got away from him. Ralphie had enough time to think of something else, but it still bothered him. Phoebe responded to his text, so maybe she wasn't mad at him. Fortunately, he had a patient to see before lunch, so he could focus on something productive. Ralphie worked with him through some leg exercises for his knee, which he'd blown out, and then went back to his office to make his notes when the phone rang.

"Someone's here for you for lunch." Brittany, the receptionist said.

"What?" Ralphie asked. "Who?"

Brittany had hung up the phone, of course. Ralphie closed the door to his office and went up to the front without locking it. It was possible that Carlos was stopping by to talk about gum disease or something and Ralphie would want to brush him off. He scanned the lobby quickly – there were a few people waiting, but no sign of Carlos.

"Who?" He asked the receptionist, who pointed at a young woman over by the brochures. Ralphie's pulse quickened as he realized that beneath the huge puffy coat and hand-knit hat was familiar auburn hair. She turned around.

"Surprise." Phoebe ran up to him and hugged him hard.

"I thought you weren't going to be here until next week!" Ralphie hugged her back.

"I modified my rotation schedule so I could be here for your birthday." Phoebe said. "I thought I'd take you to lunch."

"Good thing Arnold canceled," Ralphie said.

"He was in on it." Phoebe admitted. "Keesha and I came up with this plan months ago. I'll be home for a whole month."

"That's awesome!" Ralphie said. "Let me get my coat."

There weren't many food options around, so they went to the sandwich shop next door.

"When did you get here?" Ralphie asked, still in disbelief that Phoebe was actually sitting across the booth from him.

"Just a couple of hours ago." Phoebe explained. "I took a red eye from Portland. Keesha got me from the airport and took my bag to her apartment, and I rode the train here. I texted Arnold on my way over to let him know I'd make lunch so he could cancel on you. That's the extent of the plan."

"So that's why you didn't respond to my text." Ralphie said.

"Exactly – and I feel bad. That's really weird!" Phoebe exclaimed. "Why's he contacting you now?"

Ralphie shrugged. "Beats me. Maybe he thought today was my birthday – he's no good with dates. Anyway, what are you doing after lunch?"

"I couldn't really sleep on the plane, so I could really use a nap." She thought aloud. "Wait – the group dinner's tonight, isn't it?"

"At my house. You're welcome to hang out there this afternoon." Ralphie offered. "I'll give you a key."

"You have an extra key?" Phoebe asked. "On you, right now?"

"No." Ralphie said, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "I'd give you my key. You'd just have to let me in."

"I don't see a problem with that. I'd get to surprise Tim and Carlos." Phoebe took a bite of her sandwich. Ralphie was glad Phoebe wasn't, say, Carlos, who'd let him freeze outside after making up a series of impossible passwords. "So," Phoebe started, "What do you want to do for your birthday?"

"Nothing." Ralphie offered. "I want nothing to happen. And for you to be here."

"I think we can manage that." Phoebe grinned.

* * *

**December 13, 2009  
****Walkerville, PA**

"I guess this isn't nothing happening." Phoebe said as they stood outside her van, which had smashed into a telephone pole when it had hydroplaned on a puddle. Phoebe was still shaking from the impact. Although neither of them were hurt, the van that was central to their high school experience was unequivocally totaled.

"We were so close." Ralphie sighed. "Sorry for not telling you about the turn sooner." Ralphie's birthday had been good up until this point. Arnold had decided that if the whole group went out to brunch, perhaps they could defeat the curse with the power of friendship. It had sounded cheesy enough to work, and it almost had.

* * *

**December 18, 2009  
****The guys' house  
****Philadelphia, PA**

It was impossible to ignore the winter storm warnings, so the gang decided to take advantage of their togetherness and hunker down at the guys' house with plenty of video games and snacks to wait it out.

"Maybe it's going to be a false alarm." Wanda said. She was using Keesha's laptop to apply to as many jobs as she could find. She was so fed up with retail that she'd taken the time to figure out which stupid product would be most efficient to hit people with. (It was Snuggies – no one would see it coming, because they came in boxes.)

"Doubtful." DA said. "Did you not see the radar?"

"Not everyone watches the Weather Channel religiously, nerd." Wanda rolled her eyes.

"I'm just glad I came early." Phoebe said. "Even if the van did have to die."

Carlos sighed. "Do we have to stay here tonight? It's not snowing yet. We could go see _Avatar_."

"With everyone else in the world." Keesha argued. "Just put in _The Hangover_ and we can skip the argument over which one of you is which." Once the argument started, it would be impossible to stop.

"We already figured it out." Carlos said. "The question is, which of the _girls_ is which."

"That's easy." Wanda shrugged. "I'm obviously Phil. DA's the boring one who probably doesn't even have a name."

"Doug." Tim corrected.

"Phoebe's Alan, so that means Keesha is Stu." Wanda said. "Done. Next?"

"You're gifted at this." Carlos said.

"Throw me another one." Wanda challenged.

Carlos thought a moment. "_Zach and Miri Make a Porno_."

"You and Keesha. Obviously." Wanda didn't look up.

"_Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid_."

"Ralphie and Arnold, respectively."

"Or we could, you know, watch a movie." DA offered. "Order pizza before everything becomes impassable."

"_Juno_." Carlos said, undeterred.

"Keesha and Arnold." Wanda said. "Just think about that for a second."

"Ew." Keesha said. "Can we be done? Order that pizza?" DA nodded.

"I think it's fascinating." Tim said. "All those stupid charts and arguments were all for nothing. We should have just asked Wanda."

"A sentence that isn't said nearly enough." Wanda said.

"This feels like high school." Arnold said. "Why did we agree to this?"

"Because we're not going to get to do this anymore." Phoebe said.

"I might not even be here." Tim said quietly.

"What?" Wanda asked. "Where the hell would you be?"

Tim winced. "New York."

"Oh no. Not again." Ralphie said. "Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in."

"It's because of Janet, right?" Arnold asked.

Tim sighed. "Do I have to get into this in front of all of you?"

"We'll all hear it eventually." Keesha shrugged.

"Might as well tell us all at once." DA continued.

"Fine. Maybe this is the only way things will work with Janet." Tim mumbled. "So I volunteered to take on this short-term project with a firm in New York, through one of my contacts in grad school. It's a year, and if things don't work, then..."

"But Janet is evil." Carlos said. "I think you're leaving out that detail."

"Well she's what I got." Tim said. "And I think you're overplaying the evil thing. She's misunderstood."

"Like Vladimir Putin." DA suggested. "Sure, he's ex-KGB..."

"Janet isn't the KGB." Tim said more firmly. "And maybe you should all be nice for once."

"We are being really mean to Janet." Phoebe said. "And if Tim loves her,"

"I'm going to have to stop you there." Keesha said. "You remember how she screwed with your head all through undergrad?"

Phoebe nodded. "But -"

"No buts." Keesha said.

"Look, when have we been able to talk anyone out of a relationship?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah, that's not going to work." Ralphie said. "Why won't Janet move here?"

"She likes the city too much." Tim made a face. "And it's okay. I could live there, I guess. I'd come visit you guys a lot."

"It could work." Phoebe assured him. "Maybe she'll move back to Philly with you!"

"Except this is _reality_." DA covered her face with her hand.

"I'm going to order the pizza." Keesha announced. "Don't start any movies."

"Well, what should we do then?" Arnold asked.

"We could play Monopoly." DA added.

"Nope; Monopoly ends in yelling matches." Tim looked at Ralphie, who took the bait.

"Because you take all the good properties." Ralphie insisted.

"It's not my fault you make terrible investment decisions." Tim replied coolly. "Or that you think you can put hotels on railroads."

"That was once!" Ralphie argued.

"Dude, he was ten and you still haven't let that one die." Arnold said.

"Let's see, we could solve everyone's problems." Carlos thought aloud. "Tim, did we solve your problem?"

"No." Tim said.

"Good. Moving on." Carlos continued. "Ralphie."

"What?" Ralphie was wary.

"You always have problems." Carlos said. "Air your grievances."

"It's not Festivus." Tim hoped Carlos would take the bait and start quoting _Seinfeld_.

"His dad added him on Facebook and he's mad at Arnold." Wanda helped.

DA intercepted. "Airing grievances when we can't actually leave is probably not a good idea."

"You're mad at me?" Arnold asked.

Ralphie looked at Phoebe, who smiled encouragingly. "Not really."

"Not _really_?" Arnold repeated.

Ralphie took a deep breath. If he just said everything quickly, he'd get it over with – like ripping off a band-aid. "I'm still adjusting to the whole part about how you're married and you don't hang out with me anymore because you're busy. I get it; I really do, but it still sucks. And do we really have to do this now, Carlos?"

"What else are we supposed to do?" Carlos asked.

"Movie." Keesha decided. "Pizza's on its way."

It snowed all night and all the next day. There were only a few rough patches – mostly around Carlos's ideas to have everyone talk through their problems as a group, but Keesha was able to get everyone back on track. After they'd heard Arnold pontificate about how law school misled him into thinking he'd be happy, and Dorothy Ann explain how the promotion and tenure situation at Walker State was "jacked up," Wanda couldn't handle being surrounded by couples anymore.

"Do you two ever stop touching?" Wanda asked crankily. She didn't direct it at a particular couple, because she had the same complaint about all three. She was sick of everyone being happy but her. She needed to quit her retail job because she hated it, even though that wasn't the most mature move, she had to do so for her own sanity. There was no other choice, but it wouldn't be popular with her friends, who would never understand. They had no idea what it had felt like to have the year she'd had. She bet that none of them could survive in retail as long as she had, especially not with the success _In Your Face _had without her.

"What's wrong?" DA asked her.

"I'm tired of this shitty beer." Wanda deflected. "And I'm going outside."

It wasn't as bitterly cold as it felt like it should have been for dumping feet of snow. Still, Wanda had forgotten that she hated the cold. She went out on the back patio – as tiny as it was. Why Ralphie actually wanted to live in this terrible neighborhood was beyond her. It was preferable to think about how stupid her friends were instead of what bothered her. She kept coming so close to success that she could nearly touch it, and yet it slipped through her fingers every time. She'd almost proven DA wrong by being successful in California. She'd been famous, but that was stolen from her. It wasn't even her fault. She had been thrown under the bus. And she couldn't even hold on to a stupid retail job, because customers were idiots. She hated people sometimes, but she needed them to make her famous.

"What are you doing?" Tim asked.

"Getting away from all of you." Wanda retorted.

"You didn't actually want to leave."

"How do you know?"

"You're still here." Tim sat down next to her.

"And you're going to tell me to hang in there because everything will be okay." Wanda said.

"Life sucks sometimes." Tim stared at the same point ahead of them that Wanda was looking at. "And eventually it'll take a break from sucking for a little while."

Wanda didn't want an inspirational speech. She didn't want comfort or anything. Of course, if she did, the majority of her friends were too busy with their relationships to care about her. This is how it had always been, ever since they all hit puberty. Why would it change now?

"Why do you even care about me? You have Janet." Wanda said.

"Because we're friends." Tim replied. "And everyone inside cares, too. They're just... preoccupied."

"Doesn't it bother you?" Wanda said. "How everything's going right for everyone?"

Tim sighed. "Yes."

Wanda hadn't expected to hear that. "But you're living the dream, right?"

"Oh, sure." Tim said sarcastically.

"Then why don't you find something else?"

"Because it may not exist." Tim watched the snowflakes falling on the house behind them. "Look, you can chase your dreams all you want and make yourself crazy, but what if you didn't have to? What if you just found something steady and stuck with that?"

Wanda didn't have to think about that long. "Because it's boring and stupid."

"Like me." Tim sounded defeated.

"If the shoe fits." Wanda shrugged. "I'm going to go out and find the next big thing and prove DA wrong once and for all. Because if I won't, who will?" She didn't wait for an answer. "No one. And this time I'm going to succeed, damn it."

* * *

**February 24, 2010  
****The Perlsteins'  
****Walkerville, PA**

"Oh thank God that's over." Arnold sighed as he came home.

"That good, huh?" DA asked after kissing him in greeting.

"Now I just get to wait until April to see what they say." Arnold said. "I feel like I did okay. Janet survived too."

"Did you see her there?" DA was confused.

"No; she took the New York state bar." Arnold said. "But she texted me that she was done."

"And confident, I bet."

"Absolutely." Arnold said. "I don't know. There's too much at stake for me to be too confident. What if the board is fickle and hate me?"

"No one hates you." DA said sternly. "Besides, isn't there an ethics portion?"

"And a character one, and I know where you're going with this." Arnold took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack.

"You have nothing to worry about. She does." DA insisted.

"Well, it's done." Arnold said. "There's nothing else to do about it. How was work?"

"Same old same old." DA said. "I applied for that job at the Anthony Library."

"I thought you did that last week," Arnold squinted as he tried to remember.

"I was waffling." DA said, and Arnold opened his mouth to apologize. "Don't worry about it; you've been thinking about the bar."

"I'm just so drained." Arnold lay down on the sofa. "Why did I want to do this again?"

"Truth. Justice. The American Way." DA sat on the arm of the sofa next to him. "What can I do? Want to go out to eat?"

"I suppose I should text Ralphie." Arnold said. "Now that I might actually have time."

"You didn't already text him?"

"My brain is mush." Arnold said, then reached to get his phone. He considered sending a text, but somehow calling was easier.

"Hey! How'd it go?" Ralphie asked. Arnold decided he didn't want to hold the phone up to his ear, so he put Ralphie on speakerphone.

"Long." Arnold said.

"Did you throw up?"

"No. Not this time." Arnold said. "If I have to take it again, I will. I hear in April. _April_."

"You passed, I'm sure." Ralphie said. "So you and the wife are going out to dinner to celebrate, right?"

"I can't even think." Arnold said.

"Do you need suggestions?" Ralphie started. "Do you need me to bring you a Wawa hoagie from the one by campus?"

DA knew this was coming, and she sighed.

"That would be awesome." Arnold grinned at DA.

"You know it's going to take me an hour to get out there." Ralphie was glad he'd stayed at work late – if he'd gone home, it would have been more time consuming to help Arnold.

"We have a Wawa down the street." DA said.

"It's not the same." Ralphie and Arnold said at the same time.

"Fine." DA said. "Pick me up one too, will you?"

* * *

**March 12, 2010  
****Keesha &amp; Wanda's apartment  
****Philadelphia, PA**

"It's just a temporary thing." Tim was explaining at the weekly dinner.

"Why are we talking about Tim?" Wanda asked. "Tim is boring. We should talk about the fact that I have a real job again."

"We can also talk about you being an asshole." Tim said.

"Why are you going back to New York?" Ralphie asked as Wanda glared at him for denying her attention. "That place is the worst."

"You know why." Arnold said, and he and Ralphie raised their eyebrows at each other in understanding.

"When do you leave?" DA asked.

"End of next month." Tim said. "Sorry about the rent, Ralphie."

"Yeah, you're going to have to look into moving, dude." Carlos said. "Or paying more rent for a room you're not using."

Ralphie had feared that eventually he'd have to give up the house in South Philly, but denial had worked for him so far. "What, are you leaving too?"

"Eventually." Carlos said. "I've got offers to join practices closer to Fishtown. I'll probably move closer to Keesha if not -"

"You know Phoebe's going to move back here in two months." Keesha interrupted. "I'm moving over to a two bedroom and she's moving in with me."

"Sure, now you do, now that I'm leaving." Wanda sighed. "Where am I supposed to go? I don't want to move back home."

"You don't have to. We'll all jam into an apartment like we're broke young adults." Keesha said. "It'll be fun."

"You could move to Fishtown with me." Carlos said to Ralphie.

"Dude, that's too expensive." Ralphie sighed. "We'd have to live closer to here or stay in South Philly."

"You're still getting a family discount, right?" Tim asked.

"Not since the drapes caught fire, no." Ralphie said.

"You don't need a house that big." DA said. "Did you think you'd live there forever?"

Ralphie stared at her.

"Yes." Arnold translated. "Yes he did."

"Why doesn't Phoebe move in with you?" Carlos asked.

"Okay, but here's the big news: I have a new job." Wanda said. "In radio, a medium that has yet to know me."

"Is radio still relevant?" Tim asked. "I thought it was dying." Wanda glared at him.

"Is traffic dying? No, because traffic won't give you herpes, unlike the subway. Engineer that, Mr. Genius." Wanda answered herself. "And I'm reporting traffic and stuff."

"For what station?" DA asked.

"WZXK," Wanda said.

"Oh, WZXK." Keesha said. "Walkerville's most nefarious radio station."

"It's not nefarious," Wanda argued, despite having said it was several times in high school. WZXK had a long history of changing format arbitrarily, not to mention its unpronounceable call letters. They tried to launch a campaign to count themselves as a word for Scrabble purposes within Walkerville's city limits, but the city's Scrabble aficionados would have none of it. Walkerville had been a latecomer to radio, and all the good call numbers were gone. "And at least it's not retail."

"How did you survive working retail so long?" DA asked.

"Bourbon." Wanda said.

* * *

**April 30, 2010  
****30****th**** Street Station  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Janet had just received word that she was officially a lawyer according to the New York State Bar, only a few weeks after the Pennsylvania State Bar had told Arnold the same thing. Tim had taken a half day off work to get ready to move.

"You don't want to do this." Carlos said as he stood in the train station with Tim. They'd done this before. They knew it wasn't going to work.

"Yes I do." Tim said. "Keep my dishes. Janet's got some. If there's any of my stuff that I left that you don't want, sell it or donate it."

"Please don't go crazy again." Carlos pleaded.

"I'm actually going to talk to you guys this time." Tim promised. "I'll try to make it back for get-togethers when I can."

"Once a month?" Carlos asked.

"Maybe a Saturday brunch?" Tim suggested. "I'll talk Janet into it."

"You can also talk her into staying there." Carlos grinned.

"She'll probably come sometimes. Deal with it." Tim said.

Carlos pulled Tim into a tight hug, slapping him on the back. "Damn it, man. Come back soon."

"I will." Tim vowed. "I gotta get to my train."

"Yeah, it's time." Carlos said. "Wave at New Brunswick as you go through it."

Tim laughed and waved at Carlos as he walked off. "See you in two weeks."

When Tim got on the train, he settled into a window seat and put his headphones in. He had tried to put on a bit of a brave face for his friends, but nothing would beat the excitement he'd had to move to New York for grad school. Here he was again, repeating the pattern and hoping for different results. Maybe it wouldn't be a mistake this time.

And as the train zipped past Boathouse Row and over Broad Street, he knew he'd be back. This infatuation with New York had to be temporary. Maybe Janet would be miserable in the faced-paced law offices and want something a little less – New York. She could take the Pennsylvania Bar. Everything would work out, she just needed to figure this out on her own.

* * *

**May 12, 2010  
****Portland International Airport  
****Portland, OR**

Phoebe knew she got to the airport far too early, but she didn't care. She'd left Corvallis when Ralphie told her they were leaving Denver. It was the day before her commencement and at last, her friends were coming to Oregon. She was thrilled that she'd survived the huge quantities of information in vet school while being across the country from everyone she knew and loved. She had proven tougher than she thought. Her roommates, who'd become good friends, were back at the apartment, bracing for the infamous best friends who said their vowels funny that were about to descent upon their town.

_Just landed! _Ralphie texted. He'd been sending her very frequent updates, which Phoebe appreciated, because she was dying to know exactly where everyone was. It was one step below actually being with everyone. She also took it as encouragement that they weren't going to break up right as their relationship wasn't going to be long distance anymore. She still had nagging doubts, despite all signs to the contrary. She figured that Ralphie had also begun to worry since his relationships often crumbled around the year mark. They talked about pretty much everything except the things neither were brave enough to address.

Finally, Phoebe saw her friends: a large group of weary-looking Philadelphians. She was overcome with joy. Her isolation was finally over. She'd tried to figure out the best possible thing for her to say on the way up from Corvallis, knowing that without much of a plan, she might just end up yelling a noise. Unfortunately, she forgot the very poignant thing when she saw her friends. "YO!" She cried, waving her arms.

Keesha saw her first, and her face lit up. She grabbed Ralphie's arm and veered sharply left. Wanda figured out what was happening and darted out in front, but thought better of it, and let Ralphie get to Phoebe first.

"Classy move, Li." Keesha said.

"We'll never get her back." Wanda said. "Besides, this is breaking protocol."

"We don't need protocol anymore." Keesha was thrilled to see how happy Phoebe was as she threw herself at Ralphie.

"We made it." Phoebe hugged Ralphie.

"The good news is he's going to stop texting her about how much he hates Denver." Carlos pointed out to divert the group's attention from the couple's reunion. "And flying. And everything."

"You know you hate the Broncos." Ralphie said, still holding on tight to Phoebe. "And the Nuggets? How is that a good mascot?"

"The Nuggets are nothing without Carmelo." Carlos said.

"You had this discussion already today." Keesha said to Carlos. "Just let them have their moment. This is kind of a huge deal."

"It feels good to walk around again." Arnold stretched. "I hate cross country flights."

"They're just too long." DA nodded.

"I'm glad I came down from New York last night, as much of a pain as that was." Tim said.

"Okay," Phoebe said, kissing Ralphie quickly and wiping tears away before moving along to the rest of her friends. "Tim, how's New York?"

"It's big and smelly." Tim hugged her. "But it's good. The firm's a lot different, but... good."

"And Janet?"

"She's two whole weeks into being a criminal prosecutor. You know, getting criminals off the streets." Tim said. "She loves it."

"She always did like things like that." Phoebe sniffled and let him go.

"Aww, Pheebs," Carlos grabbed her before she could move on. "Don't cry."

"I'm just so happy." Phoebe said.

"I don't understand happy tears." Carlos said.

"That's because the Eagles have never won the Super Bowl." Ralphie quipped.

"Shut up." Carlos released Phoebe quickly to glare at Ralphie.

"I like them too!" Ralphie reminded him. "I'm just saying – you might cry if they did."

"No." Carlos said. "No I wouldn't."

"I have no idea what's going on." DA said as she hugged Phoebe. "Congratulations, Dr. Terese."

"Thanks!" Phoebe beamed. "It's not official yet,"

"Yes it is." DA said. "It's a formality. So – mortarboard or tam?"

Phoebe laughed. "Should I tell you, or would you like to be surprised?"

"Tell me." DA insisted.

"Mortarboard." Phoebe said. "And gray's the color."

"Really?" DA asked. "Everyone else with a doctorate-level got a tam."

"I guess I'm different." Phoebe shrugged.

"I don't see why it's a big deal." Wanda said. "It looks weird. They're like mushroom hats. Everyone looks stupid in them."

"But only doctorate-level people get them." DA said. "Regalia actually have a lot of history with them."

"How's being a real lawyer?" Phoebe asked Arnold.

"A little better." Arnold admitted. "Still not the dream I thought I'd have though. The student loans are going to be happier with the salary increase."

"That's important." Phoebe smiled. "I'm sure you'll find a way."

"You're a born lawyer." DA added, mercifully sparing Wanda more detail about academic regalia. "You just need to find your place."

"We're looking at moving into the city." Arnold said. "Walkerville's too far from everyone, but DA's still at Walker State."

"They keep promising me this job," DA sighed. "But it's not happening. I've got an interview with the Anthony Library next week."

"I thought you applied for that months ago." Wanda said. "I got my job in like two weeks. And it's fantastic, thanks for asking."

"Sorry," Phoebe turned back to Wanda. "I was distracted."

"She's getting to you." Keesha said.

"He should be last, not first." Wanda glared at Ralphie. "I'm always first. That's the rules."

"We don't need the rules anymore!" Phoebe grinned and gave Wanda her full attention. "Tell me about your job."

"It's good." Wanda was more measured. "It's – I'm trying really hard not to screw it up."

"That's great." Phoebe said. "I'm sure you'll do great things."

"You're too good." Wanda hugged her. "But you would have let me get away with murder. Keesha made me work retail. RETAIL."

"Thank you." Phoebe said to Keesha as she hugged her.

"For?"

"Making Wanda get a job. Letting Ralphie go first. Everything." Phoebe said. "I'm so glad to be going home."

* * *

**May 15, 2010  
****Conwell University  
****Philadelphia, PA**

The whole gang was excited to fly back to Philadelphia for the final graduation of the group. After Phoebe's graduation, Wanda tried to get the entire group to swear they'd never get another degree. "I just can't take another boring ceremony."

"Too bad." Carlos said. "There's no way we're missing mine. We saved the best for last."

So they were back in Philly, watching Carlos and his cohort graduate. Keesha was providing some commentary on who got a good residency and who kept losing their teeth models, much to the amusement of her friends. Fortunately, she did so quietly enough that it didn't bother Carlos's parents.

"So, Carlos, you're last for once." Tim remarked after the ceremony. "How does that feel?"

"I'd say that I don't care, but I really wish I could've graduated before Phoebe. Then I would've been first every time." He grinned.

"You weren't first in high school." DA said. "Keesha was."

"Alphabetical, bitch." Keesha grinned at Carlos.

Tim was conflicted. Carlos and Keesha were so happy together. Ralphie and Phoebe were going through yet another inseparable phase, which would hopefully not last more than a week again. Arnold and DA's joy had turned into a mature, understated thing. They didn't need to rely on public displays of affection or grand gestures, they just knew they belonged together. Carlos and Keesha still teased each other a lot. Wanda had even started dating one of the producers from the radio network or something. She'd bring him to the group's get together that evening, once Carlos had celebrated with Keesha and his family, to be introduced.

Janet had, of course, insisted on remaining in New York. Tim was safe and comfortable with her. He'd figured out the rhythm of their relationship: they'd argue, but they'd make up. Things were better when Philly was out of the equation. He was still waiting for her to burn out in New York, but she was still insisting that she belonged there, and her successes made her seem right. Part of him felt like he should, too. He didn't love her with overbearing mushiness like Ralphie and Phoebe, nor could he tease her like Carlos or Keesha, but he wasn't as comfortable as Arnold and DA. They were something else, and he didn't know what it meant.

* * *

**author's note**:

Title is a quote from John Steinbeck - "once you have lived in New York and it has become your home, no place else is good enough."

**references and things I don't own:**

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in" is from _The Godfather III_.

Festivus is from _Seinfeld_.

"Truth, justice, and the American way," in addition to being Arnold's motivations to going into law, are actually from Superman.

If Arnold is Superman, are the rest of the gang the Justice League? Is Tim Michael Corleone? What's the ranking in niceness for all the airports mentioned in this fic? Will Keesha be president of the university in the next chapter? Most importantly, who's right: DA or Wanda?

up next, a big time jump and the final chapter. Prepare yourself.


	19. a tale of two weddings

**chapter 18: a tale of two weddings**

**November 17, 2012  
****Franklin Science Institute  
****Philadelphia, PA**

The past two and a half years had been remarkably calmer as the group settled into adulthood, finally all within two hours of each other and out of school. DA had moved to the Anthony Library as a science librarian, and Arnold had escaped his big law firm for a job as in-house counsel to an environmental nonprofit, where he was able to make a positive difference without having to sacrifice his soul. They'd moved into the city, closer to where Keesha, Wanda, and Phoebe had crammed into a two bedroom apartment. Keesha was the best lead advisor that her university had seen, and consistently got praise from everyone she encountered. Phoebe was coping as best as she could with the emotional rollercoaster of her job as an associate veterinarian at a chain clinic in Walkerville. Ralphie hated seeing her struggle; he was thrilled with his job and his patients. Carlos was only slightly frustrated that his partner hadn't retired yet, but there was always next year. Tim's contract in New York got renewed, and he and Janet were living together. He enjoyed the complex projects and the talented engineers he worked with in New York, but made trips back home at least monthly. He made a point to network with Philadelphia engineers so he'd be ready to make his move when Janet got sick of the city. Wanda had a series of unsuccessful boyfriends to match the series of unsuccessful negotiations to return to total media domination. Reporting traffic had lead to a marketing manager position with the terrible station, which wasn't a glamorous job, but it paid the bills. Besides, she was hatching the next phase of her plan. Her friends didn't know about it yet, because they didn't understand her flavor of genius, and she really wanted to throw it in all of their faces when she was successful. It would be sweeter if they had no idea she could fail.

They blew off their ten year reunion, because there was really no point in seeing anyone else from high school. Everyone they cared about was at their monthly brunch, which made them all feel like adults. Adulthood stopped feeling like a novelty and more of a habit as they sunk deeper into it. They became beer snobs (Ralphie and Carlos), took up tennis (Arnold and DA), owned several blazers that required dry cleaning (Keesha), and realized that maybe they should start saving for retirement (Wanda). They kept talking about forming a recreational softball team, but it never happened for various reasons, despite their best efforts.

The biggest thing that happened, of course, had happened that day: Keesha and Carlos were now married. They'd chosen a science museum for their venue, which made for a lot of fun with the pictures, even though it always took a few tries to get people to re-focus. Keesha's mother's family had all come into town despite not knowing her very well. Having scores of Ramons in one place was illuminating to the gang; it seemed like every Ramon ever had a terrible sense of humor. The people who'd married into the family stuck out, some more than others.

The ceremony was short but poignant, and Keesha even teared up. Keesha and Carlos had gotten up to mingle after dinner. The ceremony and reception were held in the rotunda, which was dominated by the Ben Franklin Memorial, a giant statue that was overseeing the festivities.

"That thing is hella creepy." Wanda scowled up at Ben, who seemed to disapprove of her.

"You're just upset that your date hasn't shown up." Tim pointed out. Janet smirked.

"He's just late." Wanda insisted.

"Are we sure he's real?" DA asked the rest of the group.

"His name is Kendall, which sounds like 'Ken doll,'" Ralphie puzzled out. "It seriously sounds like you made him up."

Wanda glared at Ralphie. "Of course he's real. I'm going to go get more wine." She stood up.

"The waiter will come back," Arnold offered.

"Nah, I need some now." Wanda grabbed an abandoned glass off a nearby table, downing the whole glass.

"Are you okay?" Tim asked, slightly repulsed by Wanda's disregard of hygiene.

"I'd be better if you all didn't insist my boyfriend was fake." Wanda remarked, grabbing another abandoned glass.

"Are you sure you want to drink unattended wine?" DA winced.

"Alcohol kills germs. You know that." Wanda shrugged.

"It apparently also kills your brain cells." Janet said.

"Enough." Phoebe said. She'd been lost in thought since dinner.

"What's your problem?" Janet challenged.

"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked, still slightly dazed.

Before anyone could say anything else, some of Carlos's distant relatives got in an argument with some of Keesha's relatives about acceptable gifts. They started shouting, and the room's attention shifted to them.

"I'm so glad we didn't do all this." Arnold said to DA. "It's too much drama."

"Seriously." DA nodded vigorously.

"But you did." Tim clarified. "It was just a surprise. You even had adjoining hotel rooms, which is even more drama."

"It wasn't that much drama." DA said. The rest of the group snorted with laughter. "Okay, for us."

"I'm pretty sure Tim and Janet were screaming at each other," Ralphie added.

"I wouldn't say that." Janet clenched her teeth together.

"Why not? It's true." Tim tapped the table with both hands. "Well. I'm going to do best man duty. Come on, Phoebe." Phoebe polished off her wine and stood up. She smiled weakly at the group and followed Tim to the happy couple.

"What did you do to her?" Wanda asked Ralphie.

"Nothing!" Ralphie responded.

"Exactly. You did _nothing_." Wanda glared at him. Ralphie shifted uncomfortably. He'd been the target of a lot of this vitriol, since he didn't see any particular rush to get married, and of course there weren't many secrets in the group, so everyone knew that he and Phoebe hadn't really discussed the future.

"I think you should lay off the wine." Arnold suggested to Wanda.

"Don't tell me what I can't do." Wanda grabbed another goblet and spite-drank it, staring at Arnold the whole time.

"Was that supposed to be menacing?" Arnold asked.

"Menacing as shit." Wanda said.

* * *

Tim and Phoebe approached the head table, where Carlos and Keesha had elected to sit alone. They would have preferred to sit with their friends, but there was no doing that without upsetting the families. Carlos was actually wearing a serious tuxedo and was stunned at how well he was pulling it off. Keesha's dress was strapless, hugging her body to her knees but flaring out a bit at the bottom. They had gone for an ultimately classy look for the wedding. The bridesmaids were all in knee-length black dresses. "Every woman needs a little black dress." Keesha had said.

"Time for the first dance?" Phoebe asked.

Keesha suddenly wished she didn't have at least three major public obligations, because Phoebe needed her. She could sense it. "Sure, yeah. Are you all ready?" Phoebe nodded.

"I'm just so happy for you." Phoebe explained before Keesha asked anything.

"Thanks." Keesha hugged her tight. She opened her mouth to say more, but Phoebe cut her off again.

"Also Wanda's going through wine really fast, so we'd better get the show on the road." Phoebe whispered.

"I guess she's loosening up." Keesha said. "Phoebe, do you have the jacket?"

The couple were halfway through their serious first dance when synthesizer chords interrupted and Phoebe tossed Keesha a red leather jacket.

Janet stayed at the table, sighing. "Thriller" was definitely beneath Tim's dignity, but there he was, doing the stupid dance with his stupid friends. The crowd was eating it up. Apparently there was something hilarious about a wedding party doing a stupid 80s dance, even though it had been fashionable at least five years ago. At least Tim looked somewhat lost. Wanda was way too good at the pelvic thrusts, and DA kept forgetting which way to walk and running into Phoebe, who had obviously practiced it to death so she wouldn't fall on anyone. Arnold and Ralphie knew the steps well enough, but were trying to figure out the appropriate facial expressions.

Of course, the people that were the most into it were Keesha – who was apparently Michael Jackson for the purposes of this dance – and Carlos. _They probably rehearsed this more than their actual wedding_. Janet thought scornfully. _What does this say about their marriage? _Even worse, some family members thought that the wedding party joining in was license to join, even though all they knew were the claw hands. Why couldn't Tim's friends have a little class? The whole thing was straight-up idiotic, and Janet didn't understand why Tim was not only participating, but apparently enjoying it. Mercifully, they didn't do the entire song. The attendees broke out into cheers and applause when it was done. Janet put down her wine glass and clapped out of obligation.

"You don't look thrilled." Carlos grinned at Janet. Keesha laughed and playfully hit Carlos. _She must've hit the champagne hard if she's finding that funny._ Janet figured.

"It was fun." Janet replied flatly.

"It was the dance from the music video, not that watered-down line dance." Keesha panted, pulling off the jacket. "This thing is hot."

"Did you seriously purchase that jacket for this?" Janet asked.

"Sure did."

"And you spent how many hours learning the choreography?"

"Worth it." Keesha grabbed a glass of water and guzzled it.

"I'm sure you can explain to our downstairs neighbors that your rehearsals all paid off." Janet remarked.

"I will." Tim said. "Cheer up."

"I don't like these people." Janet said just loud enough for Ralphie and Phoebe to hear. Phoebe clenched her teeth and took a long drink of wine.

"I'm just glad we didn't plan an elaborate dance," DA said.

"There's no way we would've had time to rehearse." Arnold added. "And we didn't have to worry about gifts..."

"Or third cousins and parents' childhood best friends..." DA continued.

"Can we stop talking about how your wedding was better?" Carlos asked. "Because as I recall, your wedding wasn't officiated by Benny Franks."

DA scowled. "It's a statue, Carlos."

"It's too bad it wasn't at the giant heart." Carlos mused.

"Can we go see it?" Wanda asked. "Do we get free run of the museum?"

"No." Keesha said. "You definitely don't."

"She just wants to go to the heart." Phoebe intercepted.

"Here's an idea – let's dance." Keesha began raising her shoulders in an alternating rhythm. "C'mon, Phoebe."

"What about –" Carlos started.

"You'll get your turn." Keesha grabbed Phoebe's hands and dragged her to the dance floor. Phoebe kicked her shoes off as she went. "I'll bring her back." She promised Ralphie. Phoebe turned around and grinned at him.

"Okay," Ralphie smiled. His relationship with Phoebe had become comfortable and easy, which sounded right, because Arnold's relationship with DA was like that. They'd settled into a routine, with only the wedding to interrupt it. Phoebe had thrown herself into the planning, plus she had a terrible time lately with a lot of her patients being really sick or dying. She'd come over to his apartment every evening and collapse on the couch, emotionally and physically exhausted. Now she was dancing like the two glasses of wine she'd had were actually four shots, mad with joy for her best friend. It was a relief to see her so happy for a change.

Back at the table, Tim had sat down with Janet. "There won't be any of this crap at our wedding." Janet said.

"What crap?" Tim suspected that Janet meant his friends.

"The ironic dancing that's not actually ironic." Janet scoffed. "Besides, we could get married at the United Nations, not some stupid museum. That's a big deal."

"This is awesome, though. Their pictures are going to be the best." Tim laughed. "I bet Arnold and DA are jealous."

"They're just upset that they're not the only married couple anymore." Janet said. "They can't lord it over you. And you know that Ralphie and Phoebe's wedding will probably be really stupid."

"Nah," Tim said. "Just really Catholic. I wonder if they could make the church organ sound like a baseball organ..."

"Oh dear God." Janet rested her face in her palm. "I hope they break up or don't invite me."

"No, I have to tell Ralphie." Tim goaded her. "It's _perfect_."

"It's _tacky._" Janet mimicked him.

"Here you are, ma'am," Keesha said to Phoebe, bringing her back to Ralphie. Phoebe's previously neatly arranged hair was now a lot floppier, and her face was framed by flyaway strands of hair.

"You should come dance." She grabbed Ralphie by the hands.

"Sure, okay." He laughed.

"You're going to have to do something together," Arnold was saying to Carlos as Keesha walked up.

"Oh, we do." Carlos and Keesha winked obnoxiously at each other.

"Like a hobby." DA clarified.

"I say it's an art." Carlos ignored DA's exasperation.

"I mean like tennis, pervert." DA scowled.

"I totally called them playing tennis." Carlos said to Keesha.

"He did." Keesha said to Arnold and DA, who were unaffected by this.

Carlos watched Phoebe flail around on the dance floor. "Well, Phoebe's hobby shouldn't be dancing."

Keesha shrugged as she watched Phoebe try to dance. "Everything is two-drink Phoebe's jam. Just wait until three-drink Phoebe shows up. She's kind of a pervert."

"Like another Carlos." DA said.

"Not quite." Keesha insisted. "Anyway, hobbies."

"You should come on brewery tours with Ralphie and me." Carlos thought aloud.

"Hobbies with Ralphie don't count." Keesha said. "We could do something like salsa dancing. You know, things married couples do to be 'interesting.'" DA pointed at Keesha to indicate her agreement.

"We're always going to be interesting." Carlos insisted.

* * *

"So," Janet started, "what's this about moving in with Ralphie?"

"Carlos was just saying that I could have his old room in case I moved back." Tim explained.

"Are you kidding me?" Janet exclaimed. "He told you that to your face?"

"Yeah," Tim laughed.

"You find it funny that Carlos is trying to sabotage us?" Janet was incredulous.

"Because we've been through so much already." Tim started. "I mean, I don't know how we work."

"If any of your friends spoke against any of the other couples, they'd be ostracized." Janet interrupted. "Why do you hang out with them if they're so against us?"

"You know that I'm going to be friends with them for the rest of my life, right? So you'll have to get used to it." Tim said.

"And you know that living in New York isn't a phase, don't you?" Janet retorted. "So stop acting like it'll pass."

"Fair enough." Tim said as his heart sank. "At least we're honest."

* * *

Phoebe had followed Ralphie to the corridor that led to the giant heart, where they were stopped by a velvet rope. "You know why they couldn't get married at the heart, right?" Ralphie asked.

"There's no way Carlos could have made it through any sort of serious vows without puns." Phoebe rambled, halfway through drink three. "And Keesha probably would have thrown something."

"He'd deserve it." Ralphie stared down the hall that lead to the giant heart. "I almost threw something at him this morning. If I have to hear 'Sexy and I Know It' one more time, I swear to God..."

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"Because he listened to it a hundred times." Ralphie rolled his eyes. "And he was dancing and it was awful. Can you imagine if, after that, we had to sit through 20 minutes of heart puns? It's enough to make anyone swear off getting married."

Phoebe winced. "Why would you say that?" She was afraid of finishing her drink, because the more she drank, the closer she was to asking what was really on her mind. She and Ralphie had been dating for three years, which was well into eligibility for engagement, but for some reason it hadn't really come up. She was afraid of asking what he thought, because she was afraid of the truth. At the same time, she was dying to know, so she drank.

"Oh, um." Ralphie thought a minute. He'd managed to hurt Phoebe's feelings again. "I have no idea." He looked away from the forbidden hallway and back toward the atrium, where Keesha and Carlos were having a great time. "Maybe we should try to get to the heart."

"I could use a breather." Phoebe unhooked the velvet rope and stumbled toward the corridor.

"Go!" Ralphie whispered, hooking the rope back onto the post.

* * *

Meanwhile, DA and Mikey had struck up the kind of conversation that Arnold no longer regretted zoning out during. They'd moved beyond the pleasantries of finding out that Mikey was an assistant professor of electrical engineering in Pittsburgh – no, not Carnegie State, the other university – and had moved on to talking about academia.

"Not all open access journals are terrible," DA said. "I can get a list of good electrical engineering ones."

"I don't know what my tenure committee would think of publishing in an open access journal." Mikey sighed. "Oh, have you met Craig?" He motioned to a blonde man. "Craig is my boyfriend. Craig, this is Dorothy Ann." DA shook his hand.

"Oh!" Craig laughed. "Mike told me about you."

"Oh, really?" DA cringed internally. Her grin felt plastered on, and she prayed she didn't look half as awkward as she felt.

"I'm Arnold, Dorothy Ann's husband." Arnold extended his hand.

"It's great to meet you." Craig continued.

"Dorothy Ann was just telling me about open access journals." Mikey said.

"Ugh, academic stuff." Craig turned to Arnold. "You're not an academic, are you?"

"Oh, no!" Arnold said. "I'm a lawyer, which is probably worse."

Craig laughed. "I understand; I work for the IRS."

"You don't say!" Arnold's eyes lit up.

* * *

Ralphie and Phoebe had made it to the heart, only to find it occupied by Wanda entangled with a thin, confused-looking man.

"Who's that?" Ralphie asked.

"This is Kendall." Wanda was indignant. Not only would Ralphie probably now blurt out something about him being imaginary, but he and Phoebe had interrupted a pretty awesome makeout session inside a giant heart replica. It might have been a fantasy since childhood, and her friends ruined it like they ruined everything. It didn't help that Phoebe was giggling. Ralphie knew exactly why – Phoebe had had three drinks, and so everything was like a massive dirty joke to her now. He was glad she wasn't drinking a martini, no matter how funny the toothpick-going-into-the-olive gesture was.

"Oh. Hi." Ralphie said, elbowing Phoebe to get her to stop laughing long enough to be polite.

Phoebe extended her hand. "I'm Phoebe."

"The quiet one!" Kendall realized. "And this must be the boyfriend with commitment issues."

"Ralph." Ralphie corrected, shooting Wanda a quick glare.

"Ralphie." Wanda said softly.

"So aren't you excited about Wanda's Kickstarter?" Kendall asked. "She's going to relaunch her show -"

"Kendall!" Wanda interrupted. "Stop it!"

"What?" Kendall asked. "I thought if they knew that you were relaunching, then they could help you – oh, right, you told me not to tell them."

Wanda sighed heavily. "You're the worst!"

"In bed." Phoebe giggled. Wanda joined her, much to Kendall's dismay.

"Well, we'll let you get back to – um, the heart." Ralphie said.

"Let's get out of here," Phoebe whispered as she slid her hand into Ralphie's back pocket.

"Oh gross." Wanda recoiled. "Please get her out of here. I can't handle this." She waved her hand in Phoebe's general direction.

"We can go to the brain." Ralphie decided. It was probably better if three-drink Phoebe was away from other people, anyway.

"That's smart." Wanda grinned.

"Oh, I just figured it out!" Kendall said as Ralphie and Phoebe left.

"Title of their sex tape." Phoebe whispered to Ralphie, who laughed and shook his head.

* * *

Keesha had forgotten how much she liked scheming until it came time for the garter and bouquet tosses. She had been the brains tempering Wanda's schemes a few times, and she had a feeling that her and Carlos's "married people hobby" could probably be scheming. They had a good dynamic. "Okay, we need to make a plan."

"Why?" Carlos asked. "Isn't this supposed to be random?"

"It's the garter toss. Do you really want Tim to end up with it?" Keesha asked.

"Sure." Carlos said. "He's the best man. It makes sense."

"Well that will be awkward when Phoebe catches the bouquet." Keesha said firmly.

"How do you know? Phoebe can't even catch a cold." Carlos said. "She's standing in the way of our amazing softball team that's never happened."

"She. Will. Catch. It." Keesha insisted. "Which means you're aiming for Ralphie."

"I won't be able to aim." Carlos said.

"Make it work." Keesha said.

"Sure." Carlos beckoned the MC over. He gathered the crowd for the garter toss. Keesha made Carlos promise not to enjoy it too much.

"I'm so glad we didn't have these raunchy rituals." DA scoffed.

"I know – I'm still trying to get over the cake smearing." Arnold said. "It was just gross."

"I thought it was sweet." Phoebe said loudly. She'd had another drink after the brain had also been occupied with couples. Four-drink Phoebe couldn't control the volume of her voice.

"And now they're throwing lingerie." DA rolled her eyes as the single men gathered in the center of the dance floor.

"You two are jealous." Wanda pointed out.

"No!" Arnold and DA said together.

"Your wedding was beautiful." Phoebe nearly yelled.

"Thank you." Arnold and DA said.

"Your transformation into one boring mega-person is complete." Wanda sighed.

When Carlos tossed the garter, it seemed to be heading straight for Tim. Ralphie wasn't sure he should try to go for it or not, and Kendall was waving his arms right in his face. He did know that he didn't want stupid Kendall to catch anything, and years of sports had taught Ralphie that when things were flying toward him, he should either catch them or hit them. Tim watched the blue band hurtle toward him as if in slow motion. He stretched out his hand for it, over Ralphie's head and met Kendall's flailing hand. However, Tim's steadiness defeated Kendall's desperate attempts, and Kendall recoiled. Just as it was about to fall into his palm, someone stomped on Tim's left foot. Tim jerked his arm back and Ralphie caught the garter.

"Why the hell did you flinch?" Janet cried.

"My foot!" Tim looked to his left, where a blond man he hadn't seen before stood. He grinned apologetically.

"I'm so sorry, I was just so excited..." The man seemed to be grinning past Tim, where Mikey gave him a thumbs-up.

"It's fine," Tim said. Janet shook her head.

"You're avoiding. You flinched on purpose." She accused him.

"The man apologized! It was clearly an accident!" Tim cried.

"It was!" The man put his hands up in surrender.

"I didn't realize this was such a big deal." Ralphie said. "Do you want it?" He asked, then wished he hadn't when he saw Phoebe – who looked like she'd been kicked.

Tim paused for a second. He had to phrase this right. "You caught it; you should keep it. Maybe Phoebe will get the bouquet."

Ralphie laughed uncomfortably and rubbed the back of his neck.

"You could always see if a cathedral organ could sound like a baseball organ." Tim suggested.

"Oh my God. Do you think they could do that?" Ralphie cried. His enthusiasm was interrupted by the DJ switching to "Single Ladies."

"When will this song die?" Janet sighed.

"It's an appropriate song." Phoebe insisted.

"You'd better fight her for those flowers." Wanda said to Phoebe. "You can't let her have power over us. Or she'd steal Ralphie from you."

"Don't you want to catch the bouquet?" Phoebe asked. "Kendall seems nice. And real."

"Thank you for saying that so loudly." Wanda said.

"I really thought Tim had it," Ralphie said to Phoebe. "So – go get it." He kissed her cheek quickly.

"Are you all lining up or what?" Keesha asked, noting where Phoebe was.

"Dude, you can't make it obvious." Carlos said.

"Can't I?" Keesha insisted. She made eye contact with Phoebe and gave the slightest nod.

Phoebe had figured Keesha would aim for her. After all, it's what Phoebe would do if the roles were reversed. Besides, Ralphie had caught the garter, so she had to catch the bouquet. She felt like her thoughts were sloshing in her head. Catching the bouquet was so important that karma would probably take it away from her. She had to talk herself down. _It's a meaningless tradition_. Phoebe thought, trying to counter her actions. _It's not a guarantee. What if the flower girl catches it? Are none of us allowed to get married until she does?_

She continued to reflect on how little it meant in the grand scheme of things and the nature of free will as she found herself dashing quickly to the left to catch it. She was one of the few women who was unencumbered by heels, so she was able to move quickly.

"It's mine!" Janet cried, but Phoebe jumped for it.

_This doesn't mean anything_. She thought as she closed her left fingers around the stems. Janet's did likewise. They were flying through the air and her grip tightened. Impulsively, her right hand shot out and struck Janet in the face, sending her glasses clattering to the floor.

"Damn," Wanda cried.

"You hit me!" Janet shouted as Phoebe hit the ground.

"I think something subconscious is going on." Tim remarked to Ralphie, who was stunned that his pacifist girlfriend had just hit someone in the face for flowers.

The bouquet hadn't survived the toss completely intact, but there was no arguing that the vast majority of it was in Phoebe's hand.

Phoebe exhaled hard and stood up. "It looks like I caught it." She said calmly.

"It's not fair." Janet insisted.

"Oh, it's fair." Keesha said, grinning. "You know what this means."

"Everyone knows what it means." Wanda said, staring hard at Ralphie, who was refusing to squirm. "It means Phoebe can be on the softball team now."

"Once Tim moves back from New York." Carlos insisted.

"Are you kidding me?" Janet demanded.

"Drink?" Phoebe asked Ralphie.

"Yeah," He replied, and they walked off to the bar. Once they got their drinks, they didn't really speak to each other. Ralphie thought of all kinds of things he could say: things about the weather, or the wedding being nice, or that maybe Phoebe should slow on the alcohol consumption. Then again, this was all probably his fault; even Wanda's stupid boyfriend knew him as the one with commitment issues. It wasn't that he didn't love Phoebe, it's that he was a coward, as usual. It was hard to put this kind of thing into words, and besides, he couldn't be sure how she'd take any discussion of his own issues. He was sick of being inside his own head. "Hey," he said to Phoebe, who looked at him earnestly. "I'm going to talk to Arnold."

"Okay." Four-and-a-half drink Phoebe felt the weight of all of her feelings as Ralphie walked away. Maybe she was complaining about work too much. Maybe that made her really unlovable, and that's why Ralphie tried to hand the garter to Tim. _Maybe he was trying to be nice_, the voice of reason whispered. No. It was definitely because Phoebe was a failure. She hardly felt the tears welling up before they ran down her cheeks.

"Congratulations." Arnold grinned widely at Ralphie.

"For?" Ralphie asked, handing Arnold a beer.

"You're next." Arnold opened the beer and Ralphie sighed heavily. "What? It's not so bad. It's great, actually."

"I guess if Carlos can do it, anyone can, right?" Ralphie smiled hesitantly.

* * *

"I don't understand why we go to these events." Janet said. "They're awful and we always end up fighting."

"Because you hate my friends." Tim added. Janet glared at him.

"Hey there," Wanda said. "Have you seen Ralphie?"

"He walked off with Arnold somewhere." Tim shrugged. Janet didn't add any information.

"Quick question." Wanda said.

"You just asked one." Janet said coolly.

"Do you two enjoy resenting the hell out of each other?" Wanda asked. "You don't have to tell me now." She walked off and quickly located Arnold and Ralphie talking in a corner. That's what was nice about the museum: the main area they were in had so few corners to hide in. Of course, this wasn't a plus for Phoebe, who was now ugly crying on the other side of the dance floor, making her a terrible person to talk to. "May I have a word, Ralphie?"

"Now?" Ralphie asked.

"No, on Tuesday." Wanda said sarcastically. "Yes, now."

"We're kind of in the middle of something." Arnold said.

"Well you'll have to quit in the middle. This doesn't concern you." Wanda looked at Arnold expectantly. Arnold considered sticking up for himself, but figured some battles weren't worth fighting. He shook his head and patted Ralphie on the shoulder on his way back to the main dance floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ralphie asked. "We were in the middle of a conversation!"

"This is important. You know about my Kickstarter." Wanda said solemnly.

"No I don't." Ralphie said.

"Kendall told you about it."

"But I don't know anything." Ralphie was desperate to get back to his actual problems instead of Wanda's minor inconveniences.

"No. I'm going to tell you things. I tried telling Phoebe, but she was crying."

"Crying? Why?" Ralphie's exasperation changed to concern.

"Probably something you did." Wanda shrugged. "Anyway,"

"Seriously, Wanda." Ralphie could feel his blood pressure rising.

"Let me tell you about the damn Kickstarter so I can swear you to secrecy and you can un-break Phoebe." Wanda insisted.

"Here's an idea: I go talk to Phoebe first, then you can tell both of us and swear us to secrecy." Ralphie negotiated.

Wanda thought a second.

"Okay, we're going with my idea. See you in a minute." Ralphie rushed past her. Normally two drinks wouldn't make him as confident as he felt now. It was probably the conversation with Arnold that made two-drink Ralphie as confident as he usually was after four drinks. Phoebe was sitting on the floor, sobbing with an empty wine glass next to her as Ralphie approached. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine." She said. "I don't want to talk about it." Phoebe moved her legs a little so Ralphie could sit down. He did so and put his arm around her shoulders. "Maybe I should stop drinking."

"Do you want to go somewhere else? Somewhere less... in the middle of everything?" Ralphie offered.

"I can't get up or I'll barf." Phoebe said.

"Okay, then, here will work." Ralphie swallowed hard. "Do you think it should have been you that got married?"

"What?" Phoebe blinked. "That I should have married Carlos?"

"No, do you think you should have been married by now?" Ralphie's stomach churned. "Because I guess I can see that, and I'm really sorry. I mean, you know how screwed up I am about this stuff, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. I just – I can't blame my dad, but it doesn't keep me from trying, right?" He tried to smile, but Phoebe was speechless. "So... I love you, even though I'm kind of terrible at this."

"You're not." Phoebe managed. "It's not just about what I want, or what I thought would happen. Nothing goes according to my plan. I just don't want to resent you because of things that aren't your fault."

"But you'd rather be married. Or at least talking about it. Right?" Ralphie asked. "Because we've been doing this my way – the too scared to talk about it way."

Phoebe bit her lip. "I can't force you to do anything." Ralphie decided to try Phoebe's silence method. It felt like forever until Phoebe kept going. "But yes, I thought we'd at least talk about it by now. Because the way I see it, we love each other, and we can make it work."

"I guess." Ralphie said into her hair. "You're a wonderful person, and I know you have a lot going on, so the last thing you need is to deal with my shit."

"It's my fault that I can only talk to you like this when I'm too drunk to be afraid you'll dump me." Phoebe sighed.

"A drunk man can only be brave if he's afraid." Ralphie paraphrased. "Or a drunk woman, I guess." Phoebe laughed. "Hey, I had an idea." He changed the subject. "You know how you're going to Boston for Thanksgiving?"

Phoebe nodded.

"It's weird that I haven't been. I mean, I don't want to invite myself, but –"

"Yes." Phoebe interrupted. "You should come. We could stay with my uncle in town and I could show you around."

"Give me the dates. I'll get the time off work." He said, then moved to the next thing on his mental list. "Does Fenway do tours?"

"Yes they do." Phoebe's eyes lit up. "You really want to go?"

"Of course I do. I hear it's historically significant." Ralphie was glad they'd moved past the deep relationship stuff and onto safe baseball.

"Just a little." Phoebe said. "And it's really only fair that we go, since I've been to The Bank how many times?"

"Fine, we'll go to Fenway every day if you want." Ralphie said. "Count on going at least once." _Well, that was terrifying._ He thought. _But I didn't die._ Phoebe was studying his face, but at least she wasn't crying anymore.

"Is there any bread left?" Phoebe asked. "I need to sober up." Ralphie stood up. When he offered his hand, Phoebe grabbed it and he pulled her onto her feet. "I can't walk." Phoebe said as she propped herself up against the wall.

"I'll find you some. Be right back." Ralphie said.

"Are you still broken?" Wanda asked as she approached. "Wine?"

"What? And no thanks." Phoebe said.

"Come on, how many times will Keesha get married?" Wanda urged, handing Phoebe the glass of wine. "And where's Ralphie? I have to tell you two about my Kickstarter so I can swear you to secrecy." Wanda said. "Because Kendall told you about it."

"Oh."

"But when I came by here before, you were crying pretty hard." Wanda continued. Phoebe just looked at her. "So what did Ralphie do? Was it the garter thing? Because that was harsh." Phoebe didn't speak. "Seriously, I don't know what else you want me to say."

"I don't want to talk about it." Phoebe said. She didn't trust herself not to start crying all over again. She also didn't know how the sixth glass of wine would affect her, so she just stared at it.

"Did you ask for that?" Ralphie asked Phoebe as he handed her a roll.

"Nope." Phoebe gave Ralphie the wine.

"And we're not crying anymore? Did you apologize for being an idiot?" Wanda asked Ralphie.

"Every day." Ralphie grinned and drank the wine as Phoebe leaned against him.

"God, you two are the worst." Wanda sighed.

"What's your Kickstarter?" Phoebe asked.

"I'm trying to re-launch _In Your_ _Face_." Wanda lowered her voice. "Only I can't call it _In Your Face_, because of copyright and shit."

"So what's it called?" Ralphie asked.

"It doesn't matter. You can't tell anyone. I'll tell everyone when it's a huge success." Wanda insisted.

"What if it's not, though?" Phoebe wondered.

"You weren't supposed to ask that. You're the nice one." Wanda pouted. "And it will be."

"So you weren't going to tell us in case it failed?" Ralphie was confused. "That's so weird."

"We're your friends." Phoebe pleaded. "You can tell us things."

"And we'd donate money." Ralphie explained slowly.

"No." Wanda insisted. "I'm not taking your money. This isn't a collaboration."

"Oh, I see." Ralphie realized. "You don't have this figured out yet."

"I do!" Wanda argued.

"Come on, let's go sit at a table." Ralphie said to Phoebe, and they walked off, leaving Wanda to try to find Kendall.

* * *

Arnold was thrilled that Ralphie had come to him for advice. "I mean, no one really talks to us about stuff anymore."

"They think we're boring." DA sounded stunned. "Well, maybe we are. We don't have any of the drama that goes along with dating."

"It's awesome." Arnold said. "But I did kind of miss it – not being a part of it, but being around it."

"Maybe you should hang out with Carlos and Ralphie. I think you'd make a great beer snob." DA suggested.

"Carlos would get mad." Arnold said. "Because you know Ralphie's going to start ignoring him if I start hanging out with them."

"They'll still have fantasy football." DA pointed out.

"True." Arnold acquiesced. "Then, when Tim moves back –"

"Tim's not moving back." Janet interrupted.

"How long have you been there?" DA jumped.

"Are you really planning for Tim to move back here?" Janet's face wrinkled in disgust.

"He will. It's just a matter of time." Arnold was confident.

"Are you kidding?" Janet challenged. "When he worked at a firm here, they sent him to the middle of nowhere. Unlike you and Ralphie, he doesn't enjoy being marooned outside Intercourse." Arnold squared his jaw. "Besides, he's never going to leave me."

"What makes you so sure?" DA asked. "You know if it comes down to a choice between you and us, he'll choose us."

"Why the hell are you meddling in my relationship?" Janet demanded. "You people are insane! All you do is manipulate each other in this giant incestuous mass."

"Fair point." Ralphie said as he joined the argument from the adjacent table. Wanda stood up and walked toward Janet.

"But we _know _we're manipulating each other." DA explained. "We've pretty much always known." Carlos saw who was involved and made up a reason to go distract Tim.

"I never asked to be manipulated!" Janet cried as the group seemed to close in around her. Even Keesha was heading over.

"But you're dating Tim." Arnold said slowly. "He's one of us, and we're the package deal."

"That is disgusting." Janet cringed. "I can't tell which one of you I'm most disgusted by."

"It's Phoebe." Wanda clarified. Phoebe giggled, which wasn't the reaction Wanda was going for.

"Seriously, do you know how many relationships have failed because the person couldn't accept all of us?" Keesha asked.

"This is not about that." Wanda insisted as Janet was relieved. "Kendall and I are fine."

"Only because you pick the world's dumbest boyfriends." DA explained. "They're too stupid to question why you do what you do."

"I like them that way!" Wanda said.

"You do realize that if I dump Tim, it ruins his life, right?" Janet said coolly. "Without me, he has nothing in New York City – nowhere to live, no job, _nothing_."

Phoebe stood up from the table and walked over to Janet shakily. "Look, I've had it with you." She started. "You don't have to like us, but you can't do this to Tim."

"Do what?" Janet asked innocently. "And who are you to stop me, anyway?"

Phoebe glared at Janet. "You've never really been nice to any of us, but we've been nice to you because we care about Tim. I can put up with you gaslighting me all through undergrad and being grossly inappropriate, but once you start threatening to ruin Tim's life – I'm sorry, but I draw the line there. You have to stop." She could feel herself turning green, so she rushed toward the nearest bathroom.

"What's going on here?" Tim asked, watching Phoebe rush by. "Were you all arguing again?"

"Janet is going to ruin your life." Wanda blurted out.

"Excuse me?" Tim asked.

"She just threatened your job, dude." Arnold couldn't recall a time he'd been grateful for Wanda's inability to keep secrets until now. Tim needed an intervention.

"What the actual fuck?" Tim demanded.

Janet sighed. She hadn't wanted it to come to this. Not here, not ever. "Think about it, Tim. Your friends want you to move here. Think of your career – you'd be limited in your opportunities. But in New York, with me, the sky's the limit."

After years of going back and forth from New York, from dating Janet and sort-of-not dating Janet, Tim finally saw the situation clearly. Janet wasn't compromising anything; Tim was bending over backward to make this work. If things kept going, Tim would give up his home and his friends, and Janet would have everything she wanted. He was just upset that it had taken him this long to realize what was happening. "You're making me choose." He said slowly.

"No, babe. _They're _making you choose. They've been against us this whole time." Janet crooned.

"This is the same argument we've been having from the beginning. It's never going away." Tim realized aloud. "I – I can't do this anymore. I'm out, Janet. For good."

"Well, then." Janet took a deep breath. "You'd better get your shit out of my apartment. Tonight. I'm changing the locks in the morning." She stormed off.

"Now what are we going to do?" Arnold asked.

"Well, if I can ask a favor," Tim started.

"I have an SUV." Ralphie offered. "And I'm good to drive."

"If we left now, we could have everything back here by the morning." Tim looked at his watch. "I'll stay here this weekend, if that works."

"Sure." Arnold said.

"I'll tell Carlos." Tim said. "Sorry, everyone."

"Dude, I think we should get you a cake or something. That was awesome." Wanda nodded approvingly.

"Hey, man," Tim started, going up to Carlos. "I hate to cut this short, but I've got to go."

"Why?" Carlos asked. "Is this about the huge fight that was going on over there?"

"Yep." Tim said. "I dumped Janet."

"Really?" Carlos's eyes lit up.

"She's making me clean out the apartment tonight. It looks like I'm moving back to Philly as soon as I can get a job down here."

"It's the best wedding gift of all." Carlos smiled back. "We can finally have the softball team."

* * *

**March 14, 2014  
****Old St. Mary's Church  
****Philadelphia, PA**

Years of therapy and visualization had led up to this moment, a year and a half after Keesha and Carlos's wedding. Ralphie had rehearsed it over and over in his head and it was hard to believe it was finally here. He knew everyone around him was supportive, especially Phoebe, so when he saw his father again twenty minutes before his wedding, he could genuinely smile.

"You made it!" He exclaimed, reaching to shake his father's hand.

"You sound surprised." Michael Bianchi remarked as he pulled his son into a hug. "Sorry I couldn't make the rehearsal last night. Some things came up."

"It's okay." Ralphie said. "This is the important part."

"You look good, son." Mr. Bianchi half-smiled. _He's acting exactly like me._ Ralphie's thoughts reeled. He would give anything to go outside and swear. "Things are really coming together for you."

"They are." Ralphie returned. "I'm a physical therapist."

"Do you work with athletes?" Mr. Bianchi asked.

"Well, no." Ralphie could feel himself getting upset, so he focused on his breathing. "I mean, not all the time."

"I thought for sure you'd go into sports or sports medicine since you jacked up your shoulder." Mr. Bianchi continued.

"It was my knee." Ralphie laughed uncomfortably. "I guess things don't always turn out the way we think they will." He wondered when he'd lost sight of his initial dream to work with athletes, and then got resentful that his father brought it up again. He wondered if he could discreetly text an SOS to Phoebe. Arnold was across the room, talking with Tim and Carlos. _No_, Ralphie resolved. _I can handle this. _

"Michael!" Dr. Tennelli said. "I thought you weren't coming."

"Why wouldn't I attend my son's wedding, Connie?" Mr. Bianchi asked.

"Well, you didn't attend any of his graduations," Dr. Tennelli started. Ralphie cleared his throat. "I'm glad you came. They did all the classes and the counseling."

"I figured." Mr. Bianchi looked around at the cathedral. "You don't get all this without jumping through a few hoops." He chuckled. "We didn't do any of that."

_That's the point_. Ralphie thought. He had endured months of classes about family planning and discussions about parenting – a topic that still made him deeply uncomfortable – to ensure that he and Phoebe could get their marriage blessed by the Catholic church. He'd do anything to make sure the marriage would work. This was just step one. "It was a little rigorous." Ralphie admitted. "But it's worth it."

"I assume you picked the historic area of the city on purpose?" Mr. Bianchi asked. Ralphie nodded as his mother beamed at him."It figures."

Ralphie didn't want to glare at anyone on his wedding day, but he couldn't help it. "The Declaration of Independence –" He started.

"It doesn't matter." Mr. Bianchi shrugged.

"You could be nicer, you know." Dr. Tennelli suggested. As Mr. Bianchi scoffed and shook his head, Ralphie realized that his parents' divorce had never really been about him. His parents barely tolerated each other, and wouldn't ever like each other no matter what he did. It was freeing, really – and it didn't matter that he'd had therapists and friends telling him this same exact thing for 20 years. It only mattered that he realized this now, as he witnessed his parents' thinly veiled disgust for each other. He was marveling at his parents' abilities to snipe at each other when Arnold came over from where he'd been watching from across the room. He couldn't stand not intervening anymore, so he decided to extract Ralphie from the conversation.

"Arnold Perlstein." He extended his hand. "You'll sit over there, on the groom's side." Arnold pointed.

"Nice to meet you," Mr. Bianchi said.

"You've met Arnold. They've been friends for 25 years." Dr. Tennelli rolled her eyes.

"Sorry if I can't keep track of all my son's friends. It's not like you told me anything he was doing." Mr. Bianchi retorted.

"Can you two suck it up for two hours?" Ralphie asked. "For me?"

Dr. Tennelli took her ex-husband's arm. "Come on, he's got other things to attend to."

"Dude, that was awesome." Arnold remarked as Ralphie stared at his parents walking toward the altar. "You were incredibly calm. I could hardly believe it."

Ralphie thought he would go straight to hell if he said what he wanted to say in a cathedral, so he said, "Me either. I need to talk to Phoebe."

Arnold wished that Ralphie's dad had shown up yesterday so Ralphie didn't have everything happening today. It might be too much. "I think she's still getting ready. Do you want me to check?"

Ralphie could feel himself relaxing now that his big confrontation with his father was over. "Sure. But let me tell her that I didn't swear. She won't believe it unless it comes from me."

* * *

"Dude, Ralphie's dad just showed up." Wanda announced as she re-entered the bridal suite. Phoebe's eyes widened and she dropped the bobby pin was holding. "You must go to him." Wanda interpreted her expression.

"No you don't." Keesha turned Phoebe back to the mirror. "You're going to go to him in fifteen minutes. He'll survive. You need your hair to look good."

"I know he will," Phoebe almost whimpered. She could hardly recognize herself in the mirror behind all the makeup, curls, and lace. "I just want to be there."

"Fifteen minutes." Keesha repeated. "With any luck, his dad won't have left by then."

"Burn." Wanda high-fived Keesha.

"Can I just point out that we're not being mean to Ralphie?" DA offered as she put in her earrings. "We're being mean to his dad instead. This is a big deal."

"Don't ruin this for me." Wanda insisted.

"Do we all remember how this goes?" Keesha asked. She was glad that, as matron of honor, she was put in charge of marshaling her friends around again. She was gifted at things that were like herding cats.

"Yes, it goes weird and lasts forever." Wanda sighed. "And there's all this stand up, sit down business."

"Welcome to Catholicism." Carlos said from the doorway.

"When did you get here?" DA demanded.

"A while ago. I got bored, so I figured I'd see how this was going." Carlos shrugged. "I texted."

"I'm not checking my phone." Keesha said. "I'm busy."

"Well you all look awesome." Carlos said.

"Compliments don't fix creepy." DA scolded.

"I told you that." Tim appeared behind Carlos.

"It's okay," Phoebe said. "We're all decent."

"Are you going to keep working on Phoebe's hair or are you getting distracted?" DA asked Keesha.

"It's about done." Keesha retorted, turning back to Phoebe.

"Why's the door open?" Arnold asked.

"You guys were being boring." Carlos explained. "And everyone knows where to sit and stuff. Besides, we have to get together to walk in."

"Phoebe, I just had to tell you that Ralphie's dad showed up." Arnold started.

"I know." Phoebe said. "Wanda told me."

"And he handled it well." Arnold said. "Almost too well."

"Are you sure you don't have to take him out back so he can yell swear words?" Keesha asked. "That's usually how he processes things."

"He's fine!" Phoebe insisted. "Everything is fine."

"So you left Ralphie alone with his parents?" DA asked.

Arnold looked alarmed. "I didn't know you guys had bailed!" He said to Carlos and Tim.

Tim shrugged. "He's an adult. He can handle it."

"He's _Ralphie_." Carlos corrected. "He's going to start yelling, then his mom's going to start yelling at him, and somehow baseball is going to get involved. This is how Tennelli drama goes down."

"He's fine!" Phoebe repeated. "Don't you need your boutonnières?"

"Oh, right." Tim said. "They're in the fridge. Come on, Carlos."

"Go to him, Arnold." Wanda said, and Arnold did. She was glad someone was listening to her.

Phoebe stared at herself in the mirror and made periodic eye contact with Keesha. Once her hair was plastered in place, Phoebe's expression shifted slightly, so Keesha decided to make an announcement. "Everyone out. We need a moment."

"Why can't you two just leave?" Wanda asked. "There's more of us."

"Because Phoebe's the bride." Keesha explained.

"Come on, Wanda. We can go look at the flying buttresses." DA grabbed Wanda's arm.

"Heh, buttresses." Wanda laughed. "Don't have too long of a moment. I don't know how long whatever drugs Ralphie's on will last." She closed the door behind them.

"He's not actually on drugs." Keesha clarified.

"I'm nervous. Am I supposed to be this nervous? I'm not, am I? Everything is fine and I shouldn't be nervous." Phoebe rambled. "I mean, I went running this morning, but it felt wrong because what am I running _from_?"

"Deep breath. It's normal. It doesn't mean things are doomed." Keesha assured her.

"Why weren't you nervous?" Phoebe asked.

"Because I'm a badass." Keesha said calmly. "I was nervous, but it didn't really hit until I was at the end of the aisle."

"What if I trip?" Phoebe asked.

"Then you and Ralphie go down." Keesha shrugged. "Big deal. People will laugh, and you'll have a story to tell your grandkids."

"And you're sure everyone knows the order?" Phoebe bit her lip. She and Ralphie had opted for the more traditional version of walking down the aisle together, leaving the parents out rather than the bride and groom being escorted by their parents. Dr. Tennelli was, surprisingly, a little more upset than Mr. Terese was, but she understood that Ralphie's father showing up would be an interesting complication. "And we're sure they're okay with it?"

"You're having a very important dance with your dad at the reception." Keesha reminded her. "And it's set. You can't change things now. If people are upset, they'll get over it."

"Why am I so nervous? This is just wrong." Phoebe sighed. "I bet Ralphie's going out of his mind."

Keesha looked at her cell phone clock. "Five minutes and you find out."

"I'm ready now." Phoebe said, looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't look as petrified as she felt. "Everyone's probably right outside the door." They waited for an answer, but never got one because, although Wanda was ready to say something, DA put her index finger on her lips and gave Wanda her best angry shushing stare.

"Are you sure?" Keesha asked.

"Do you have everything? Aspirin? Sewing kit?" Phoebe asked. "Shout wipes?"

"I have everything that can fit in here." Keesha held up a clutch. "Do you need water? Do you need to use the bathroom?"

"Good idea." Phoebe said.

"Do you need help?" Keesha called.

"No." Phoebe pushed the bathroom door closed. "Go tell them I'm coming out."

Keesha wanted to ask her if she was sure a few more times, but that probably wasn't helping, so she opened the door, where all her friends had gathered. "She's coming out in a second. Do we have all the flowers?"

"Hey, come here." Arnold gestured at Ralphie. Keesha distributed the bouquets as Arnold pinned on Ralphie's boutonnière. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." Ralphie's smile started to waver a bit.

"This is the easy part. I promise." Arnold assured him as Ralphie opened the box for Arnold's boutonnière. "Are you sure you should do this?"

"Yes." Ralphie was confused as he put the flower on Arnold's lapel. "Oh, _this_." He held the pin. "Yeah, I'm not too shaky."

"Are we done?" Wanda asked, watching DA pin the boutonnière on Tim.

"Everyone's got everything." Keesha said. "I guess you all should go where you need to go."

"On it." Arnold said and waved his friends to a hallway.

"You should go, too." Ralphie told Keesha. "I'll take care of her."

"Jesus, you are calm." Keesha recoiled and looked around. "Oh, sorry."

Ralphie shrugged. "Habit. I stopped counting how many times I almost swore."

Keesha held up her index finger. "She might be a little nervous. She'll be fine, but she's –"

"Keesha!" Phoebe cried. "Help me!"

"One sec." Keesha said, rushing past Ralphie into the bridal suite. "What is it?"

Phoebe waited for the door to shut. "Is there toilet paper hanging out of my underwear?" She flipped up her skirt.

"Nope." Keesha said.

"Thanks for making sure my butt was okay." Phoebe laughed nervously before checking her feet. "And I don't have anything stuck to my shoes."

"Everything's ready." Keesha told her. Phoebe looked at the door. "I'm going to join the rest of the group." Phoebe hugged her.

"Thanks for being the best friend ever." Phoebe said.

"Don't cry yet. Keep it together." Keesha squeezed her friend. "And you're welcome." She broke apart and handed Phoebe a tissue. "Dab, don't wipe. See you in a few." She walked out and made sure she didn't have tears in her eyes as Phoebe threw away the tissue.

"Hey," she said as she stood in the doorway.

"Hey." Ralphie smiled. "You look gorgeous."

"You look good too." Phoebe laughed nervously as she hugged him. "Are you okay?"

"Never better." Ralphie could feel the calm he'd had begin to fade away in light of how serious this all was. He was, in fact, nervous. "Nervous, though."

"I know. I don't know why." Phoebe said uneasily. "It's not like we haven't prepared."

"Are you two ready?" The priest interrupted.

"Let's do this." Ralphie nodded and Phoebe grinned at him.

* * *

Arnold and DA had thought that the length of the ceremony was excessive, and there was far too much singing for their taste. Then again, Ralphie and Phoebe looked happy, and they were married without incident. Arnold had wondered if somehow Ralphie's zen would wear off and he'd bolt, since it would be very like him to have a terrible realization at the worst possible moment. After the ceremony was finally over, the group walked the few blocks to the reception site, where Arnold and Keesha barricaded the wedding party in one of the ready rooms.

"Okay, everyone." Keesha started. "No drama at this one."

"Sure." DA shrugged. "What are we going to do, anyway?"

"Well, there's Wanda's wildcard boyfriend." Keesha said. "So we're going to lay some ground rules. Rule one: no talking about the terrible family planning classes or the promises to give each other children."

"Aw, come on." Carlos begged.

"And no one say anything to Ralphie's dad." Arnold added. "Or to Ralphie about his dad."

"Oh shit, he's still here?" Wanda asked. "I thought for sure he'd bail."

"That was the last joke." Keesha announced amongst the laughter. "We've made sure Janet's not here?"

"Why would she be?" Tim asked.

"You know how she gets off on rankling Phoebe." Keesha said protectively.

"All right, so who's going to get drunk and start yelling, then? I vote Carlos." Wanda said.

"That's exactly the point: we're doing none of that." DA insisted. "Where's your boyfriend again?"

"Who? Arnold?" Wanda asked.

"No!" DA and Arnold said together.

"Oh, not you. But his name is Arnold." Wanda nodded.

"Can you call him Arnie or something?" Keesha asked. "This is going to get really confusing."

"Why should I?" Wanda shrugged. "You'll like him. He's a DJ over in Chester."

"Doesn't he go by 'Arnie' on the air?" Arnold asked.

"Details, Arnie." Wanda winked.

"Okay, just stop there." Keesha said. "This is dangerously close to drama territory."

"Are you guys seriously having a meeting?" Ralphie asked, peeking in.

"Everything is great." Arnold grinned, hoping it was convincing. "Go away." He closed the door.

"You realize that the people with the most drama at weddings broke up at the last one?" Tim asked. "Or just got married."

"And I'm pretty sure they're not going to get sucked into whatever you're doing." Keesha looked at Wanda. "So let's go."

* * *

_This is fancy_. Tim thought as he looked at the hall. _Janet wouldn't believe that they could pull this off._ He didn't like that Janet haunted his thoughts over a year after their breakup. He'd spent a few weeks sleeping on a co-worker's couch until he could move back to Philly. The transition had been rough, but worth it. He was infinitely happier in Philly. He was working on projects around town instead of in the country. It turned out that a few years of New York experience had made him much more attractive to companies at home, and his salary had increased as well. He wondered why he hadn't left sooner, but things seemed to have happened this way for a reason. He'd taken a page from Ralphie's book and been intentionally single for a while, which wasn't terribly easy, as Ralphie had been engaged the entire time Tim lived with him. It was difficult to see Ralphie so happy when Tim wasn't, but Tim came around.

"So, if I were to rank the weddings –" Wanda started.

"Nope." Keesha cut her off.

"But yours would win." Wanda offered.

"Of course it would." Carlos leaned back. "It was twenty minutes long and in a science museum."

"And this one's the most boring." Wanda continued as Ralphie and Phoebe sat at the table.

"I said stop." Keesha insisted.

"Even though you choose weird times of year to get married. November? Really? And what about now? What if it snows?"

"It's not going to snow." Phoebe said.

"Not that it matters." Ralphie grinned. "We're going to be in Florida tomorrow."

"One more thing – your trip to Florida is stupid." Wanda added.

"Stupid awesome." Ralphie shrugged.

"Pfft." Wanda scoffed.

* * *

Wanda spent the evening sitting at the bar, waiting for Arnie to show up. She didn't have a choice, really. All her friends were married and less susceptible to relationship drama, which was her specialty. She kept texting him and a few other prospects she had in the pipeline.

"What are you doing?" DA asked her.

"Drinking." Wanda didn't look up from her phone. "Trying to find the next guy to hook up with."

"What happened to Kendall?" DA asked. "Or Harry?"

"Harry is a giant douchebag." Wanda said. "We are never getting back together. Like, ever."

"Ugh, bad." DA shook her head. "You really are one tube of red lipstick away from being Taylor Swift, aren't you?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Wanda smirked. "I thought you didn't bother with pop."

"I don't, but I'm friends with Carlos." DA sighed. "And he was listening to it in the car on the way over."

"Classic." Wanda laughed and refocused on her phone.

DA took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to give you a long list of unsolicited advice."

"Of course you are." Wanda said, still texting.

"So you can pretend like you're not listening and then implement it slowly so no one suspects that you didn't come up with it on your own, or you can be an adult and put your damn phone down." DA pushed the phone onto the bar.

"Hey!" Wanda cried.

"I know what you're doing. I know you better than anyone, remember?" DA stared at Wanda. Her blue eyes looked almost threatening. Wanda looked around. This was getting a little too tense. "You're hell bent on proving me wrong just to be contrary. You're trying to hold on to the past because you're afraid of moving forward. You're deathly afraid of rejection, so you won't tell all of us about your Kickstarter, which, by the way, I found because it's on the internet."

"Damn the internet." Wanda muttered.

"You need to stop living in the past. _In Your Face_ – the version that was your show – is over forever." DA continued.

"It doesn't have to be." Wanda insisted. "I can bring back a better version, one that no one can take away from me."

"Jesus, Wanda, take responsibility for your actions. You made the wrong decision." DA said. "It's not that big of a deal. We all make bad decisions. Speaking of which, you need to stop playing games with people and belittling them." DA said. "People count. Even Ralphie."

"Whatever." Wanda tried to pick up her phone, but DA pressed down on it harder. "He's obviously better off than I am anyway, with his stupid job and his stupid wedding."

"Stop focusing on the negative. You have an amazing opportunity to turn this station around, so go clear your name. Bring the radio station out of obscurity. Be an adult."

"I could just announce what happened to us on the radio." Wanda thought aloud. "Get it all out in the open."

"Who'd believe you?" DA asked. "Really, who would?"

Wanda shrugged. "Conspiracy theorists. I could probably get a few hot guys to believe me."

"That's another thing: you need to stop dating losers." DA insisted. "They're only going to bring you down. You need someone stable. Someone who won't put up with your shit, but will also let you run with things when they're good. Dump the airheads and get with a real man."

"Stop trying to get me to fall in love with Tim so you can be right." Wanda insisted.

"Stop trying to end up with some douchebag to prove me wrong." DA countered. After a moment, her expression softened. "Look, you know that I love being right more than just about anything."

"More than Arnold?" Wanda tried.

"Close. But seriously, stop trying to wreck everyone's life to prove me wrong. Don't tell anyone this, but I'd gladly be wrong to see you happy. I don't care if you and Tim end up together, okay? What I want is for you to be stupid happy." She looked at Ralphie and Phoebe, who were dancing and grinning at each other blissfully. Keesha and Carlos were nearby, laughing and hanging off each other.

"I don't want to be stupid disgusting happy." Wanda wrinkled her nose.

"You know what I mean. I just want you to be happy. Really." DA said softly. "And maybe that's with someone who's not one of us. As long as he could be."

Wanda smiled. "I couldn't be with a guy who hated us. You're too important to me." She was sincere, DA knew it.

"Good." DA said. "So here's the deal – I don't tell anyone that you have mushy feelings if you don't tell anyone that I'm fine with being wrong."

"Deal." Wanda shook DA's hand.

* * *

**author's note**: this was the last chapter. It took me long enough, I know.

Look, fewer songs! This chapter had "Thriller," by Michael Jackson, "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO, "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, and, of course, "We are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Taylor Swift.

The different phases of Phoebe's drunkenness is taken from _Brooklyn Nine-Nine, _as is the toothpick in the olive move and "title of your sex tape."

"A man can only be brave if he is afraid" is, like the last time I referenced it, from _A Game of Thrones_.

The Bank is Citizen's Bank Park, home of the Philadelphia Phillies.

I'm sure you still have questions, so there's an epilogue. That should take care of them, I hope.


	20. epilogue: whatever we deny or embrace

**author's note: **somewhat of a spoiler for the Season 5 finale of _Game of Thrones_. I added some more ending to this.

* * *

**epilogue: whatever we deny or embrace**

**June 15, 2015  
****WZXK Studios  
****Walkerville, PA**

"You really think you're ready to go back on the air?" The executive producer of the radio station asked Wanda, who had been asking for this for months.

"I know what you're thinking." Wanda said, resting her hand on the doorknob to the studio. "But I'm telling you, people will listen to see if I'm going to bomb."

"Please don't." The producer sighed.

"Oh, if I do, it will be in the best way possible." Wanda assured her. Her phone buzzed, and she looked down at it.

_Meet at Walkerville Park at 8 pm. _It was DA, sending out a group text. Wanda braced herself for the inevitable onslaught.

_Why?_ Ralphie replied.

_Stop it. I'm going on the air_. Wanda wrote. _Oh, and turn on your radios, bitches. I'm going to be famous._

"Frank," she announced. "It's time. Prepare the Kenny Loggins."

* * *

Arnold had fifteen minutes before he was training a bunch of new staffers on what they could and couldn't say, so he figured he had time to support Wanda. He shut his office door and was able to stream the radio station from their website right as Wanda began talking.

"Hello, all seven of you who are listening to this. I'm sorry to interrupt disco hour. Okay, I'm not." Wanda started. She sounded a little shaky, which Arnold thought was weird. "You may have noticed that I'm an actual live person instead of a recording. That's because we're changing things here at WZXK. You may have also guessed who I am – I'm Wanda Li, Walkerville's favorite reality villain who was never on a reality show. I've ruined a classic Walkerville TV show by selling it out to New York, dated a ton of the radio personalities around here, and have otherwise been the most interesting person this town has seen for a long time."

"Is this a _mea culpa_?" Arnold wondered. _What's going on?_ He texted Ralphie.

* * *

"I'm really not surprised you got that leadership award, Keesha." The dean of student affairs said. "You're going to go far."

Keesha looked around the office that could someday be hers. Under her direction, the advising program had really taken off, and students were thrilled. She loved being in charge and was good at administration. She could absolutely see herself in an executive suite. "I'm happy here for the time being."

"Are you sure?" The dean motioned her closer. "There's a director position opening up at Walker State. If it's something that interests you, I think you should toss your hat in."

"I'll look into it." Keesha promised, and left the office. When she got back to her desk and reached for her phone to text Carlos this news, she noticed the long string of texts. "Wanda's on the air?" She wondered, and quickly opened the radio station in her browser.

"And I'm told that we don't apparently have any news for this hour, so I guess you're going to have to listen to me talk for three minutes." Wanda said.

Keesha sighed. "This can't be good."

* * *

Ralphie had wrapped things up with all of his patients, so he was cleaning out his office. Well, really he'd been watching screaming goat videos until Wanda went on the radio. It felt weird to be leaving a good thing; he'd spent five years here and now it was all over. Then again, he'd always wanted to work with athletes, and now he'd have his chance at Walker State. It was the closest he'd get to being a college athlete, which stung a little.

"So, since we have time, how about some truth?" Wanda started rambling.

_Why are they letting her do this? _Ralphie texted Arnold.

_I KNOW. _Arnold replied.

_Um. This is the group text_. Phoebe texted.

"Shit." Ralphie said aloud.

"I took a huge chance with _In Your Face_. You know where I learned to take chances? Third grade." Wanda continued.

* * *

"No." Phoebe's eyes widened. She was listening on her phone during a coffee break. She'd turned down a management position at the chain store to work at a small practice in Walkerville. She got into veterinary medicine to help animals, and now she could without a ton of stupid corporate policies getting in her way. It made her life much easier.

"You see, I had an unusual teacher and an unusual group of friends." Wanda continued.

_STOP HER._ Arnold texted.

"And I apparently have a call." Wanda said. "Hi, you're on the air with Wanda."

"Hi, was your teacher Ms. Frizzle?" A male voice asked.

"Yep." Wanda said brightly. "And none of us have ever been the same since."

_SOMEONE CALL IN_. Ralphie texted.

_Chill out_. Carlos replied.

"Dr. Terese?" One of the techs said. "Dr. Nash is running long, could you come do a quick exam?"

"Oh, Phoebe removed her earbud. "Sure."

* * *

"Have you turned into a teenage girl?" Dr. Thomas, the dentist that would apparently never retire, asked Carlos. "Why are you texting all the time?"

"This is my friend on the radio." Carlos explained. "The rest of my friends and I are heckling her via text."

"Supportive." Dr. Thomas scoffed.

"You wouldn't understand." Carlos shrugged.

The caller had been boring – he'd only heard rumors about Ms. Frizzle. "Is it true that she had all these magic field trips?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny anything." Wanda said smugly. "Thanks for calling."

"Nice." Carlos nodded.

"Actually, I can confirm one thing: the friends I made in that class have been my friends through this whole thing, and we're not totally sure why." Wanda continued. "They believed in me, but they wouldn't let me get away with anything. After I left _In Your Face_, they made me work retail. RETAIL. So yes, I had an impressive fall from grace, but I worked my way back up, thanks to my friends."

"This is boring." Dr. Thomas said. "Why aren't they playing music?"

"Hold on." Carlos promised. "It'll get good."

* * *

Tim usually preferred working in silence, but he was willing to make an exception for Wanda this once. He was amused by the freakout-by-group-text that Arnold and Ralphie were having.

"And I'm sure they're out there, wondering if I'm going to pull this off. Well, guess what? I'm pulling it off." Wanda said. "This, Walkerville, is how I live my life," she cried over the opening bass line of her carefully-selectd song.

"I really don't think 'Danger Zone' is a good choice for engineering," Tim's coworker remarked.

Tim laughed once. "It's the grand finale of my friend's impassioned speech about why she should be famous."

* * *

_Let's stop with the group text_. DA replied all. _Just remember to come to the park_.

_I really enjoyed this running commentary_. Wanda replied. _And my shit list grew by two people._

Then DA's phone rang. "Did you hear that?!" Wanda cried. "Really answer me now because I have to get off the phone."

"Yes. It was good." DA started.

"Okay, thanks, bye." Wanda hung up.

DA didn't know what she expected, really. Wanda had ingeniously revealed enough about herself to get right up to the edge of vulnerability and offer just enough to feel like they knew her, but back off before her deep feelings were exposed.

"That was some awesome Kenny Loggins for you." Wanda said as the song faded away. "So now you know me. I've been working with WXZK for a while now, and I can assure you, Walkerville, that you're in good hands. We're going to take this radio station and make it – well, I won't say great. It'll be marginally good, maybe. I can promise you to ease up on the smooth jazz and the ragtime. We may even get some new music, who knows? And I have another caller."

"Hey Wanda, thanks for being honest." The caller said.

"Sure thing." Wanda sounded hesitant.

"I mean, you admitted you did something wrong." The caller continued. DA thought she sounded vaguely familiar. "That's better than most politicians. Maybe you should run for mayor."

"Hmm..." Wanda thought aloud. "Maybe I should. All right, everyone, call in if you have a slogan for me."

_WHY DOES SHE HAVE SUCH AWFUL IDEAS? _Arnold texted.

_Tell me she wouldn't make a hilarious mayor._ Tim replied.

_I'd vote for her_. Phoebe added.

_She has no leadership experience_. Keesha replied. _Voting isn't about being nice._

Wanda replied with a string of poop emojis, followed by the one of the lady flipping her hair.

DA was glad that the library was nearly empty, because the ridiculousness of the whole situation had her in stitches. She composed herself and went back to revising her article. She had to be ready to move up when her director retired in a few years.

* * *

**later that evening...**

DA looked at the faces of her friends. She'd gathered them all back at the park on this day because she had important news to tell them. She clearly remembered the chilly day so many years ago when she'd changed their lives forever, and she was about to do it again.

"It's been nearly 14 years since I last gathered you here." She began her speech, but no one was listening to her.

"We know Jon Snow's not dead, though, remember?" Phoebe was asking. "Or he won't be for long."

"But I thought he was going to warg." Arnold was disappointed. "They totally left that part out."

"And we can start a write-in campaign," Wanda said.

"Why don't you save the radio station first?" Keesha asked.

"Because I can save so much more as mayor." Wanda's eyes lit up. "I'm sure Herp Haven has all sorts of health code violations."

"Focus!" DA snapped her fingers.

"Sorry." Phoebe muttered.

"As I was saying, it's been almost 14 years since I came up with the theory." DA explained. "So I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here."

"To prove you're right?" Keesha scoffed. "That's low, even for you."

"Excuse me?" DA retorted.

"Is that a bulldozer?" Wanda pointed through the trees, toward the elementary school.

"Oh my God, it is!" Tim said. "What are they doing to the school?"

"Dammit, Wanda!" DA exclaimed. "You messed up my big reveal."

"I'm a journalist. I scooped you." Wanda announced.

"You're a media personality." Tim clarified.

"They're bulldozing the school?" Carlos cried. Wanda ran past him, pushing through the bushes that had grown in the park in the intervening years. The group followed, ending at the construction fence.

"We have to go in!" Wanda said as she examined the perimeter for an entry point.

"Dude, that's trespassing!" Arnold cried.

"Okay, let's take a vote." Keesha said. "All in favor of trespassing?" Wanda raised her hand.

"Oh come on!" She cried. "It's not breaking the law if no one cares."

"Look," Tim pointed at an open gate.

"It's still trespassing." DA insisted.

"But it's not breaking and entering if we don't _break_ anything." Wanda shrugged. "Let's go."

"It doesn't work that way!" Arnold cried as Wanda ran toward the building.

"It's locked!" She called after checking all of the front doors. "We need to try the others." The gang followed Wanda around the building, as they had so many times before. The building was secure. "The windows. Remember how they used to open? Phoebe could fit through."

"I don't think that's a good idea." Phoebe said softly. "Maybe we weren't supposed to go inside."

Eventually the side of reason won out, mostly because Wanda was unable to fit through a window, and no one else was willing to try. They compromised for climbing on the roof, something they couldn't really do as kids, and watching the sunset.

"It's a miracle we're not getting caught." Arnold reminded everyone.

"I really wanted to go in." Wanda mused.

"I really wanted to give my speech about togetherness." DA countered.

"Yeah, we know." Tim said. "We're better together and all that stuff. All the stuff that Wanda just said on the radio."

"You missed the most important part." DA said.

"The part about you being right?" Keesha asked.

"No." DA reclined and looked up at the darkening sky. "The part where we wanted to come back here to get a piece of what happened, but we can't find anything we don't already have."

"Oh barf." Keesha rested her head on Carlos's chest.

"And I'm glad we're all still friends." DA added.

"Me too." A chorus of voices responded.

"Because that means I'm right." DA grinned at Wanda, who was lying next to her.

"Does it?" Wanda asked.

The group talked for hours on the roof about all they'd been through. As they were headed back to their cars, Wanda pulled Tim aside. "Look," she started. "We're all that's standing between DA being right once and for all."

Tim smiled at her. "And you've called me boring, kept inviting random people to my house, ditched me for coffee, made me carry your shit all around the country..."

"You told your dad I was a psychic, remember?" Wanda retorted, and Tim laughed. "So we're going for drinks, right?"

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt." Tim said. "But how will you handle being wrong?"

Wanda shrugged. "Anything for a friend."

* * *

**author's note**:

Title is a lyric from "We Belong," by Pat Benetar.

"Danger Zone," by Kenny Loggins, is apparently Wanda's new jam.

Arnold and Phoebe are discussing the season 5 finale of _Game of Thrones_.

Thanks to everyone who read this thing! Sorry it took ages to finish. I hope it was worth it.


End file.
